and she  breaks me down,
with consistency her ,
and I chose the path of weakness,
I fought so hard for love,
not meant for me,
and I struggled against the marriage of  insecurities in my reality.
_________________­___

and this truth lays,
between us,
like the valley of the dead,
whose dreams have withered up and died.
__________________­__

I get lost in you're memory,
as I think,
I wrap your love around me,
closer than my skin,
and there are tears,
till all I have left is a d.u.l.l. ache.
Only remembering loss,
blindsided by the raging emotion,
and damage wrought to an unprotected heart.

this is where we danced,
me too afraid to touch,
you bursting to try,

and in a crowd of people I look for your hair,
set fire to your insides,
and I am forever attracted to the flame,

caught in the embrace of smoky lovers,
you cross your heart,
speaking empty promises,
bargaining for something to burn,
you set fire to your insides,
you want to be able to feel,
you scratch at the raw parts,
you hope to erase the pain,
but all you are is constantly bleeding,
not accepting the grace of my rain,

I set fire to me insides,
and I scratch at old wounds,
trying to heal,
I rub the raw parts,
and poke parts left damaged,
wondering when I'll be able to feel.

I run my fingers over the scars,
that line your wrist,
and I smile,
thinking that they are parking spots,
for my wayward hands.

and your voice I hear it still,
and I follow the sound of your whispers,
dancing in the echo of my hollowed out heart,
and my innocence reverberates against all I know,
against all I know now.

we laid together under a canopy of stars,
and the fear of getting caught the mosquitoes of our existence.
we stood close to the fire hoping we'd get burnt,
seeking the danger in desire, just to feel,
and we exchanged hearts communicable disease...

the split wasn't even..
it never was.

by Ashley Marie Ohmer on Tuesday, May 22, 2012 at 8:08pm ·

And she says “I know of heart break

I have lived life in the home of broken dreams”

And you seek forgiveness from a grace forsaken

consumed with memories of ghost long tied as anchors on this hollowed out heart.

And you smash open opportunity,

like it’s another ****, another pill to swallow

just like another lover you left long ago

but still remember.

you keep the disease thinking it’s the cure

sending those that save packing

and you look for love at the end of a whiskey bottle promising yourself one day you’d end the pain

and you no longer distinguish the devil longing only for another tool to use

and you chase your highs like the ghosts at your door

and you’d knock on mine and id bring you in

how many times did I let you in?

and if you were here

you’d get to hear my heartbeat,

and id would remember were not the same.

and I remember  the heartbeats

while you… you struggle with your name.

to say what i couldnt say,

what i couldnt say then,
just give me a moment
forgive me this stuttering heart,
and labored breath,
my hands they tremble,
but may my words strike true,
i am so into you,

and may my eyes lock yours,
to say what i couldnt say

i open these eyes
wide honesty and heart filled sincerty
i regard as i couldnt back then.
but its a slow death and im still breathing,
and yeah im breathing,
im breathing you in ,
warm summers and roses left forgotten,

have you forgetten the words that you have etched cross the travel ways of this wayward heart, forgiving and giving,
a poetic poison
of love leading
love leading me back to where we began.
to say what i couldnt say then,
i love you,
always and forever.

i want to stop,
i dont know if i can,
take these hands that fetter me,
remove the chains around this neck,
unlock my lips,
you can be creative,
figure out the steps,

make war on my senses,
id rather leave (her)e senseless,
capture this,
moment,
stolen,
and bought,
this organic prepackaged heart,
pressed and used to be pressed and you used again.
but its different for you,
ive made it for you unshackle the weary,
bones help me shake them down,
lets dance over supposition of our innocence now,
innocence used as a guise to cover and uncover who we really are,
well... the we ... we are together,
chop it up spit it all out give them something to shout about,
i will the secrets you keep hold to hope
will make a promise,
never to consider the rope
of injustice,
a picket fence and 2.5 kids
make the promise for living

his words they cut me,

and i am raw,
defenseless against his blade.

he puts me with his trinkets,
honors he has collected over the years,
and the award itself not the true intent,

just something to sit behind his back,
as he invites honored guests into the room,
"Be Hold" he says,

he plays the servant while maintaining he is the master,
he fools many with his charade.

i sit placid on his shelf head held high,
with sad eyes, and the scars our many
invisible to see under the layers i put on,

But my skin it is bruised,
but they do not see it,
and maybe they aren't looking
to concerned with the heads that roll.

**These words they matter,
don't they matter,
if only to relieve the unseen.

lead me not by the way side mama
lead me to the meadows with grass stretching high as gravity permits
lead me not to my heritage where i am reminded of antiquated desires now laid to dust
lead me to the attic of your existence where all the secrets lie
lead me not to the desert for i know the terrain well
lead me to the rolling hills, where my youth finds freedom
for one day all this will be gone and i to another memory
and we will reverse the order and i will lead you on.

I carve at my insides,
hallow out this heart,
rearrange the lungs,
squish tubes,
and realign things that can't be removed,
and I do it willingly,
its you I do it for.

I scrape at my out sides,
I tear out things I have no use for,
at-least I think I don't,
I restart this heart,
over and over,
hoping to line up the rhythm of my life force with you,
and you give me scraps,
when I am hungry for the loaves,

you cause my attack on this life,

and I move things out,
to elicit a response from you,
to con you into conviction,
I do it for you,
I do it for me,

why don't you love me?
I hallowed out the chambers,
I've knocked down dividers,
unlocked the cabinets,
given you the keys to every arena,

but you have no knowledge of its use,
or maybe its you pretend,

they tell me to take it back,
that I give to much,
that I love to much,
to strongly,
to soon,

but to you its not enough.

**I'm I ever going to be enough?

and my love for you was a song
but you carried out your version
like an eviction notice
somthing that would irrovokably alter your life purpose of coasting

Hold my hand.
I'm not asking you,
hold my hand.
step back from the ledge you climbed up to,
take a breath,
hold my hand,
move back grab my fingers,
hold tight to my wrists,
grab at my elbows move past them
hug my waist
and i will keep you from falling the very least Ill you help you back up,
and like you,I  too  feel like falling,
late at night,
between the cold sheets and the corner room,
I scratch at the raw parts,
scars that I beg to heal,
I poke at the raw meat and the bruises,
I make believe and etch and sketch all in the same sequence,
but I offer this body,
worn and weathered,
I'll do my very best to shield you from the cold,
step back from the edge love,
I need you to see what you mean to me.

and there are so many emotions,
plastered to these thoughts,
I can't even begin to unravel,
and it's a pity...

anger.
hurt.
pain.
sorrow.
rejection.
confusion.

and for every truth,
you sandwhiched it betwixt the lies.

It's circular this argument,
me against you,
me against the me with you,
me against the me with out you.
I am so hurt,
I am so angry,
I want to invent new words to balm this wound,
to invent them to curse you,

I want to twist the knife out of my back,
and put the words back into yours,

The complex and simple thing that love is you will never know,
you don't even  have a  clue.

Jade... your jaded,
and I'll erase you,
erase your uncertainties in all your lies,

And all you were and ever going to be is part of the past,
destined to die in the dust of someone who has forgotten you,
but you will never forget.

And there are days where that's all you are,
but i don't wish that on you.
I just wish you gone.
After all that's what you've always been good at.

and here is the half ring
to honor our half engagement
here is the half birthday
that i half arrived at
here's half the money to give you a ride home
here's half the water bill
half this salad
half the bottle
half a fork
half a napkin to wipe off half your face
half the equation
half the notes on the passion
half the poetry cluttering the desk half the time spent looking
half the strings you need to play
and here's the cake to honor that half birthday
here's the half car
you half use to work half way

but what can i do with half a ring i cant put it on my finger, i cant have it to display
and whats the point of a half cake when my family is invited to dinner,
and a salad almost gone to be eaten with an only two prong fork
only one sided story doesn't make for much a tale and you could be poor and give more
ask willie, who roams 55th street, ask him about having nothing, but his name and he remembers it
some they forget, but he remembers what others forget and he's still living
and he hasn't quit.

And i am angry,
i am scared,
i sleep in the despair of a prisoner,
in chains,
placed behind thick metal,

and i watch you lips move,
and i nod my head to acknowledge,
all the things you've said
to nod in response,

you continue on citing the injustice,
and you are so clearly justified,
but im hiding me now,

send your troops,
throw your deceiving hand grenades,
AT the way i live my life,
as I make plans to escape,
but i cant hold it,
my hurt my sorrow,
as you sling your words of poisonous hate,
you shake your head, you close your eyes,
im hesitating my hand it grip the door,

I know you. I know you well.
I know you in some ways more then i could ever know me.
I know the sting of your cancerous disease,
the bitterness that kills,
i know the stupor you drive yourself to,
I to forget,
if you only you weren't able to remember.

I run my hands over the scars,
remembering the pain,
scars you gave me,
yet never forgiven or forgotten,
I know the crevices of your heart,
ive seen the trenches of your despair,

I know the why's ,
I have felt the hows,

and when I leave I will take with me the something you never had,
you'll never have,
me.


I am running now.

This is the life of the living,
it's  the price i pay,
states, towns, rivers,
and canyons divide us,
but your breath is on my shoulder,
you blow hot air.

is it weird that you make me wanna do yoga to james vincent mcmorrow early in the morning,
sipping green tea and writing letters and paying off debts,
your my clean slate,
my favorite mate,
and i dont worry about the things that im not when you so clearly love all that i am,
i try to tell my mother about how well we fit ,
hip to hip,
chin to chest,
hand to hand,
but i cant gather up the broken pieces of our reflections fast enough,
its never enough,
always wanting more

we live as opposites,
my words and I,
and we shape one another,
in our struggle to survive,
and we are different,
my words and I.*

I hold my arms out,
to carry you,my love,
But I am screaming, NO!
against you,
against all the things you've put me thru.

It is simple,
but you complicate this,
breath,
in/out/in/out

I squeeze my eyes shut,
against the vision of your scars,
I ball my fists in effort,
straining against your gravity pull,
I ball my fists to end,
what would be another chapter,
never ending, falling deliciously,
falling into what I have always known.

you fall asleep, and I make songs to the rhythm,
and my breath and I want to stretch this moment around me and crawl inside the corners of you heart and setup shop there, or coax the stranger smiling outside your windows, to explain to me the delicate nature of you're ribs, and tell me why you don't swing like you used to,why you avoid reflective glass?

I wrap you up,
I feel your cold,
I call on strength that I only use to give away,
never for me,
I wouldn't know how to see, the me,
to use it on,
but I can focus it on you,
I can make your next breath easier than the last,
I carry that truth with me,
and its enough for now.

babe
Wednesday, March 2, 2011

and if im not careful ill let you in

and these words will bubble over and rush around you

and there's an excitement im trying to shove aside and keep it on lock

and its not easy... with  the slip of the tongue you'd know my heart

and you are blind to my insides

i cant let you in.


the power you have over me i cant let you in

do you see me dancing under your lightest of touch

and i come alive from the inside out but im frightened

it will just be as it was

just less time and more hurt and rejection to weigh me down

hungry


just a glance

a touch to my fingers

a conversation on the porch

a look across  a noisy room

a note left behind

a inquiring text about the day before

a "i've missed you" followed by

a hug without space that lasted days

an admission of need

  or the the things you fear

poetry written in the dark

evidence of love marks

im famished for you love dear

where did you go?

1 of 4
Wednesday, March 2, 2011 at 9:42pm ·

and i am one of the four
another warm face to embody the statistic
blue.black. & bruised
hidden underneath broken down walls once reconstructed
pain rimmed with undulating hate
married to cancerous fear
afraid of the shadows in the day and the dark of the night

and its me who is haunted by the choice of destruction made by another
and we would break it down to economics
something for nothing
property to be used then left behind
we lock the doors on rich emotion
we look as it were an anomaly
rather than the normalcy
while our sisters aunts mothers girlfriends
rage war with demons left in the wake
and their is shame that too
like in invisible chain hung round their delicate necks
and they are broken mending the pieces in the quiet of the night
or in deep dark locations of their heart
and some would say that too have only gotten what they have deserved
but i stand in the assembly line of broken hearts
and i too rage war against that cloak we put on like borrowed clothing 3 sizes too big
the cries of our suffering meet deaf ears..
how long will you chose the comfort of lies when i would spoon you the truth

short and sweet


she woke with the determination of a thousand unrequited voices, and romeo and juilet just herald her love, a stepping stone to the cross she'd bear.

and she swims with celestial beings who whisper truths in her ears, they hold her hand as the earth makes another rotation

she dreams of babies

and tastes the sea

I want to bring it up
can we talk about it, like really,
till im ready to bring it all out,
I worry over the inconsistancies of my speech.

will I always be this broken?
will I always crave your touch late at night or early morning?
i watch the time crawl ,
and all i want to do is  crawl  back to you.

and im tired of waiting,
waiting for you to catch up
or get the hell out but your withdrawl could be the death of me
i wonder if this is me dying
me bruised and forever bleeding
here again im left blinded stumbling and crying.

i am soft,
she is hard,
and i slip through
the edges of a broken heart.

soft and red,
shadows  on our skin,
and i forget that hate doesnt,
exist here,
just softness and hard,
of warmth and scattered sheets,
and you wrap your limbs around me and i want to hold you there,
long nails that meet short fingers,
pillowed lips,
that meet up with chapped,
blind eyes, and eyes that can only cry,
the forgotten and the left over,

in the moments between awake and sleep,
you caress my eyelids as i drift
wrapped in memories of you.

i stole it.
i want it.
i want to keep it.
you have a home in me.

"Just a Little"**
__________________
­and you sir, stir such memories ,
memories long forgotten
dormant once
but now alive and resurrected
and i cant help but remember you,
your memories pull me out of this grave i dug
and i dance smiling and you remembering,
our dance,
you smelled of exotic things,
and i was taken by your very essence
you reeked of forbidden sexuality
you bid me stay awhile as you spoke to me in your native tongue
and innocence my ever constant master
ask me again, now later, separated by time, by space, by oceans, and expirences
o and the temptation would be ever so high
come away with me you ask and i remember
and the memories are big,
but i play not the part i played then and you now are
forever gone
i wish to be your siren to the shore
i won't **** you i swear,
but you will come again and often wanting more
more time to spend with your once forgotten memory

I know its coming before I feel it,
and I am left bruised,
and forever bleeding,

and wherever you touch,
is a mixture of fire and ice,
flaming pain
only to lead to numbing cold.

I map out the tender areas,
painted with black and blue,
and my fingers
they barely skim surface.

Closing me eyes,
shutting out thought,
feeling only pain.
But I take it,
because I still have use of my hands,
and my eyes haven't swollen shut,
it only gets worse,
when there is no feeling and all I am is cold.

And after every fall you
become my prince charming,

you dance me around in circles,
while my hips move under your control,
but they are just parking spots for your hands,
hands that won't stay there long.

It's in those moments,
I worry about the next time,
but those thoughts are fleeting ,
it's so much effort to get through them now.

he is a warm sun on a lifetime of cloudy days,
I cover up to keep the cold out but he undresses my thoughts
he says he loves me
and i cant breathe,
i wonder if he knows that,
this act of kindness could near **** **** me,

he kisses me slowly like he's okay with waiting,
and he is tap tap tapping on my door
like we could be more
and we could be more

but he doesn't know i am breaking
the pieces of my heart lay broken
like broken pottery with too many missing pcs to put back together,

I tell him you love the idea of me,
a warm body to warm the sheets next to,
a hand to hold,
someone to look for in a crowd,
a person to belong to
that lust looks like love
until you get sick or hit with hardships,

he says it though,
over and over,
I am tempted to believe him,
why don't i believe him?
as he looks into my eyes
and tells me the wonders of this body  
that's changing
and becoming more like my home
he says he loves me,
holding me tight,
maybe he thinks its true,
maybe he means to manipulate,
maybe in the heat of a kiss given right,
he believes it,

i dont deny the body its wants ,
but i will judge this heart,

i map out intention ,
as I link love with his name,
practice perfection,
when he loves me just the same,

he says : i believe that its true.

i think that his beliefs are founded in his body and i cant allow myself that.

i say : if i fell in love with you, you aren't in the place to catch me if i fall.
and thats the nature of this body to fall hard.

And I am beating at the windows,
banging at the door,
clawing at skin,

and I keep talking,
hoping you'd hear me,
and let me in.

And I don't know where you're going,
I don't know where you've been,
or how we got here,
and your breath was my breath,
and I don't know how it got so bad,
I don't know how I'm still breathing,
and I re live every hurt,
every pain,
and you've run along,
you mixin' passion and lust with new addictions,

I just wanted to save you,
you were searching for destruction,

You never loved me...
you never got past the pain.

You never loved me babe,
I'm not even sure you know how.

and there's the etch a sketch again,
dragging the metal 'round her wrists,
just to feel,
and heroically I fight to be her champion,
waging wars against the depression of her breaths,
and I remember her pain,
it hurt more then mine,
and I stood beside her
and we paired mutilated aortas,
with decaying hearts,
and I thought this would be different,
that some how the story would change,
because it was us,
us against them,
us against the lust,
and all we wanted was time to be together,
time bleeds love into,
us against crumbling trust,
us against us.

I thought this story was different but in the end,
we speak not,
we trust not,
and we forget and forgive not,
and all we bring to the table of life is left rotten,
desires and dreams untended,
all we are and all we are not is shadows now,
and we are stuck waiting for a train that may never come.

she whispers words I've read,
she sings them in my head,
she dangles truth and tells me lies,
and I dance for her after every time,

and we are okay,
because she says she's mine,
I sway,
she pines,
and we do this all the time,
she shakes me,
and I find her laugh can wake me,
just as every lie could break me,
and it's madness,
this sadness,
but she says it's
love,
but I don't know how to tell,
there are days I skim this hell,
and I wonder of another heaven,
where the sickness of your mind,
actually leaves you well,
this is my heaven,
it just happens to be mostly dark,
and only sometimes light.

but you make me feel
                                      
                                          BRIGHT.VISIBLE.WANTED.

I'VE NEVER BEEN WANTED.

*you call this love but I can't tell.

and these are the pieces,
broken and un kept,
                                       * i am un kept*
splinters of a reflection,
of one I havent met yet,

and I dont know who I am,
I dont know where im going,

struggling on,
dancing to a tuneless song,
but I was the one to fall in love with the melody,
but I can't remember it's sound now.

i got lost playing hide in seek,
where are you now?

and you wrote on my wall
just you and me
and the stars that come out to dance
i pretend im sleeping and maybe just maybe i am
you the ****** and i the addict
its natural though like i've lived this life once before
and its familiar
this softness
the air cold
ragged intakes
like the feeling unaccustomed to be understood
and this isnt the life we chose
were just haunted by it
and who were are
is what we thought we'd amount to be
and i let it go
it belongs to the sea and i too the air but yet we fit perfectly
and just to hint and id be back for more
just another time id be glued to the door
not in nor out.

November 18 - Tuesday

Wasted

I know it's true

you are in that place

between time and space

and it scares me to know

i can't reach you there

now that you've gone.

"she's gone gone gone"...

another moment,

stolen.

another moment,

taken.

and another chance thrown down

"Drink a little more, chug another down

till this pain you feel drowns"

(halting she whispers in the thin air )

and i just want something permanent something secure...

and each drop

is just another step

on a one way street , and i dead end alley

step.step.

drip.drip.

it becomes the same.

married in unison to the pain

you continue on getting so far away

arms outreached you walk with a vengeance against you

drip. drip.

unreachable things become just another unspeakable

i may never say this and you remember it

You are so focused on the WASTING

and i yell to you as you walk this one way street alone

(whispering she says) but i love you please please

make it home .



* *the empty bottle you climbed into isn't the place you belong though it's familiar it's wrong

And I took for granted your love dear,
I trampled the edges of your heart,
And I sink my teeth into your raw parts,

you've paper mache-d back together,
made with the feelings you hide,
and the bits and pieces you despise.

AND WE ARE BROKEN.

broken parts,
angles, and points,
ragged edges,
like our ragged breath,
we fight the war,
we live,
everyday,
fighting the existence,

We live for the moment we stop and feel,
and I have been  living my tomorrows today,
in search of the escape of my sorrows,
and I've been planning my life like I'm already late.

Remember when
we were the only ones to sit in silence
and feel no need to feel it,
and remember when
you held my hand in remembrance of another,

And I cant black out the stars ,
you say shines so bright,
who I'm i but a little night light on a dreary day?

Can we just talk and listen?
Does it always have to be this one sided?

STOP.

just breathe,
breathe in the scent,
the emotion,
the cold,
take it all in,
and let it fill all the spaces,
and unreached cavity,
breathe out the dark of night,
to purchase the parts of a new day.

"i dont love you
                                                                                but i always will'

i scratch at bruises,
i press my flesh and
im still bleeding bruises
of blue and black and purple
and have come to find comfort and sorrows song
                            " I dont love you , I always will"

"and I am hurt,
I am pain,
the only thing I remember is your name,

there are moments I remember ,
snap shots, re-winded and reviewed,
stretched out through time,
and pour them out,
through my mind,

I am a mess of raw parts,
and bruised bones,
its overpowering my senses,
I repeat all the lines,
but you grew a garden in my mind,
you send me back there with just a look,

and in this moment,
I remember,
the heat under your stare,
I mutter things like I don't care,

heart you are of no use to me,
I want to lock you away,
and put you in repair,

o yes I remember the strength of your stare.

and I kept a box for your anger,
something to remember you by.

I placed it right next to the objects of your desires,
and the shelf of your lies.

we talked about love and leaving,
and how you were more of the leaving kind,

and its *****
because I'm the lover, left long, lone to die,
you whispered about forever,
knowing well the cowards lie.

I come home to you like I meant too.
and I'm I meant too?
I sit my heart down for a chat,
but it's not listening,
I can't rationalize the feelings of my heart,
I can't turn to you and discuss the course,
and I am left lone dealing cards to the ghost of your love.

and it's dark here,
and I have become so cold,
and i sense his presence before I make out his shape.

I know what he has come to do,
he strips me of my dreams,
slandering them with the impossibilities,
he shatters my confidence,
while reminding me of my overwhelming failures,

"You were born to the night and in the night you will live" he decrees,
and there are days where i believe him.

maybe it would be better if he hit me, at least then i could explain the scars.

I break her down with my consistency

Small pieces break… it would heal better if it were just one big wound

I break her down…

And can’t you be stronger than me for once.

Your letting me down and all i have is this fight

And all i can do is push these walls that threaten my existence.

    Say no to me and mean it,

Stop giving into my will.

I cant let up I'm driven  with this need

This obsession has taken my possessions and traded them for fools gold

And I'm left broken and I'm fighting in all the wrong battles and in all the wrong wars

What is it I'm fighting for?

But atleast you know id fight for you till the last breath id be fighting

I remember when you said no

to me and meant it.

But now you never mean it

And i wish you would get over your fears because your what i need

    Cant you be what i need?

and we are broken
long left forgotten
war stricken
his body a canvas of destruction,
blood drips from your brow
your clothes show of months
you could only survive
your feet,
knows well the feel of the earth,
your shoes,
bartered for things used up in moments,
and i would take care of you my love.
clothe you in my warmth
and dress you in my finest
offerings
I will take you,
i will set you by the fire,
my words your liquor, that invades your thoughts,
leaving you wanting,
wanting me ,
like , I, too want you.
your body,
the map,
shaped by the horrors you have endured,
but every ragged breath i breathe you breathe too,
and i thank god for the next.
I do.

I wish I could explain it
this sorrow.
To crawl inside the window and for oncenot
Look in but out.
And if Iput it to words could you find it
The why
The how
Reach inside this heart shaped well
Bring up the poison,
Just give me a moment

I feel it still
I feel you still.*

Carve out my insides.leave the white washed walls of my interior
Red.

it begins again

and im trying so hard to swim and

i am doing what i know

trying so hard to be what they need of me

and i strap it all down the insecurities

processing them in stolen moments

few and far between and im running the circles in my cage

im i drowning or is this whats its supposed to be

stolen moments...



    " and i'd be lying if i ran away.."

    

    

and maybe thats what i need to do

to save the rest of me

and every day i am reminded of what im not

and i am trying but that matters not