so, i put my hand on your face
in a wave of wanting closeness,
in a wave of resisting fear
and it washed over me
and passed us by
as if it was hardly ever there

i had my hand on your face
and thought: this is vulnerability

and thought: i will hurt you

and thought: i will hurt you

and thought: i will hurt you


and i could not stop it. i could not stop the thought.

and i waited for the wave of bravery, of resilience, of belief in the greater good to wash over me.

but it was like waiting for a train that never came

I asked her how many more times?

she stares at me for a long time

eyes about to change. this is the answer before the answer.

she inhaled, and the little trust I had left in her begins to fade.

I know the answer, before she exhales.

again and again and again

that’s how many

I slip my hand into yours to tell you
my voice is back,
my voice is back

nervous excitement crawling up my back
put my internal mic on, no more lack


I sit in her spot to tell you
she’s gone,
long gone

the space between us fills me with
so much wait

that ironically, I don’t dare say another thing.

if all i ever wrote, was a mountain of hurt
well, it would be a tall mountain indeed

i would climb it to the top, the point
and the point would tell me all along there had been a point

and at this point, where there had been a point,
i would give my hurt away. to see all there is to see
and just let it be

No, you don't know
what it feels like for me
to sink in water
because water is easy enough to tread in/
or so you say.

And how much
farther on a limp do I have to go
before you tell me
it's not too far
from here now.

I said hold me
I'm sinking
and you kept
trying to teach me to swim

hold me
I'm sinking
stop
teaching
stop
teaching
I'm sinking
I'm sinking

bet to bet
fuse to fuse
a couple of hearts
running loose

running

a loose cannon, far away
clear as day


start a tally keep a score
run our mouths

how many more
can we afford to lose?



playing time
wondering when this ends
whether we'll be winners
or just "good" "friends"