some days I pretend carry no change in them
I pretend in the twenty four hours elapsed, nothing consequential has happened
I pretend that my recovery is unthreatened,
I pretend therapy will work
I pretend nothing inside me has broken
(at least, not beyond repair)
other days, willingly or unwillingly, I remember
change change change
comes back to me like a fire from the past
feeling hotter than it might've back then
here i am drawing it back from what i feared it would feel like
and never really let myself feel
so how am i to know it would've hurt like this back then?
only a guess i suppose
but I go with it, embrace it
reflection is a memory and I think about her once I see her all day
can't bear to look at any new one, the one I might call myself today
the one I need to recognize as myself
but can't bring myself to
here's a confession for no ears, about the bad years
about the longing that so strongly defines my days
i suffocate every few days, lose myself every few hours
then decide to keep going.
this, at least in theory, is a nice thought.
a year ago i never thought to believe i had it in me to live any sort of life, have any kind of continuity.
the latter is still true. i still don't know how to keep going in a straight line. my best friend tells me healing is not linear. so i've embraced it
learned to go up and down and be okay with it
this is the longest i've gone without thinking about ******* ** ***