no sinking! you said
no sinking! in each other
no sinking! in yourself
take all the water out
and pour it in the cup on our shelf

hold my hand
while i'm listening
tears on my face still glistening
i'm gonna take the water out
i'm gonna bury it now
ditch the old grudge corpses in the sand
get these grim haunt planes to land

don't leave, don't leave, and don't make me beg
i could stand on two feet but only trust a leg
so i'll say it in words i'll say it in art
i need you so much! for this ugly part
and you said okay! don't worry! i'm here! okay!
so i buried the worry in my brain
and the scratching in my heart
i said again: please don't leave / please don't leave
i can't! bear! to do this apart!

and yet i knew in advance of the leave to come
soon you'd walk and later you'd run

so i'd prefer to do this as though it was simple fun
with my eyes closed, here's a gun

now, i can't see but you're still here. i hope
i've got a pail. and i've got some rope
and i'm gonna start taking this water out to cope

and  if you decide to leave then you need to shoot me before
cause with you gone i'm gonna feel ugly dead and more

anyways the water is all out of me now
the water went below me somehow
i wanted to ask you are you proud?
but i felt the vapor rise and i felt the form of a cloud
and i know it's gonna come down now
soon

so now i'm tipping the edge and i'm looking down
looking onto the days when the water was a crown
for every glory day i made it through, not for me but for you
and i'm close but i hold onto your oath
well, i'm not gonna drown
really, i'm not gonna drown
though my own words are heavy
and it's getting hard to hold steady
and the rain's acidic and
the water pooling below me is so ******* brown

these ugly words, let me tell you, it's not that easy shove them down
cause they burn holes in my chest
i wished
that they weren't holes from my head
cause it would've been so much easier to explain the toxicity in my lungs
if i'd been just a smoker instead

and i confused it for a dream to finally be able to step away
because like a dream it was intimate and yet far away

and i'm forgetting already

spiral days running around more spiral days
we sit crosslegged, barefoot in that circle to
carefree blaze and look to each other to
find our own happy place
lost in that intensity haze
all of us so good in our blissful laze

don't start counting these numbered summer days

cause we're still basking in the sun
we're still holding onto our gun
we still don't need no one
in our blissful laze, in those spiral days,
yeah we're still clinging to our
shading ways, those pretty shading
ways we used to count the lemon streaks
in each other's hair
to fight the summer sun against the spring's in heated compare

those pretty shading ways i got a call and a compliment in
and if this was a door then yes i'm gonna go in

good, they're finally meeting
that squint in your eyes is agreeing to the greeting
yes say aye to aye, eye to eye, eyes to eyes
God, it's lovely, yes, it's a lovely surprise

and you look so hard at me before you finally say
i love the way i love the way
your eyes droop
like a palm that could form a fruit

you're weird, you know
yes i know, yes i know

don't you worry you say
i love the shimmer i love the glow

and your eyes are perfect mirrors
color pouring    all the sourness clear if there was any
all the sweetness clear if there was any
all the bitterness clear if there was any
and when i looked at you back with that face you knew what i knew
and so thank you

falling into stars, arms
they look like stars when i'm like this
they feel like bars when i'm like this
hanging onto to the ridges
like your edges are bridges
can you tell
i'm wishing upon this

so i'm desperate, and i'm pathetic, and i'm strong, and i'm a fighter
and i'm weak in my place
but i'll crawl and i'll crawl if it's gonna help me save face
and to say it finally, that i need a retreat
from this wavering woven-reality-illusion intersection is bittersweet
cause i love my broken home
called gilded illusion
but i hate my broken home
called burdensome conclusion
and i know there's a fire inside but i wanna knock on this door and say i'm home
and i don't wanna be living in thoughts alone

but burdensome conclusion hear me come hear me speak
why yes these burdens are here, safe arrived, i'm a burden, i'm a burden to be bore
i'll need a little safety security rock hard solid promise yes
and if you have some then i'll need a little more
and i'm gonna lay my head on some starry shoulder
wanna move this ugly reality boulder
just to feel the intoxication of peace again

dangling from these happy heights
no more reality centered "this isn't real" and "i can't feel to feel sorry" fights
i am sick and tired
i am sick and tired
that these loose strands want me so badly tangled in reality

so i'm going to force my hands back into my illusion once again
you know if you were a page then this time i'm gonna hang tight to the pen
feel myself trying to hold onto this chapter of the book i left lying open

thinking well, i didn't need some spells unbroken
thinking well, you ain't going to leave details like those unspoken
thinking i had been literate all my life
before i met the people whose minds were sharper than a knife

and they cut into me and i felt transition from want to need
i felt so sure that the book i was writing was one i wanted to read
until i started to bleed and bleed

and security wasn't just a blanket or a dream
it was
what i needed from now on

when you die in your head
you only think about the things you once said
not
the things you are saying not the things you are doing
not the way you are being not the things you are seeing
it is about the old days on rewind
chapters folding unfolding refolding
always on your mind
always on your mind
but you lost it long ago
so why is there an ache where there used to be thought
why is there an ache where there is supposed to be no feeling at all
why is it light and heavy all at once
foggy light still clear enough to blind you with
and you thought you were staring at a savior
but you were staring at a thing that would prolong your longing
to go back to the old days
this time you're blind this time you're dizzier
this time you don't know any better
but you can remember that you once did.
isn't it weird to make a mistake you used to know to avoid
is it a mistake if it's intentional
is it a mistake if it's intentional
is it a mistake if it's intentional

I looked back at her
it feels tight in my chest it feels
tight in my head

sing to me blue cry to me red
isn't it nicer when we look into not ahead
isn't it nicer when
we hold on instead

or so I said?

before I stretch and hit a hardrock bed
while trying to get that sweet familiarity
in-between
my fingers again

fingers that oughta brush lightly  (but they screech instead)

the nails I have, man, they're thick
and I claw and I claw until I'm sick
of all the hot day cold night fights
who's going to kiss me pretty on the ugly nights
who's gonna help me get high when i'm afraid of heights



I don't want to do this, please
remind me  that I don't

she said you do.
I won't lie, not to me, not to you
and I don't lie (I've never
lied), I've always tried
but I've never lied.
(and that was a lie too)

but she said if we open up any further this
truth is gonna push us black and blue

she said if we open up any further
one of us isn't staying
and it's probably you

and she took a breath and the air was tight again
and i knew for once what she was saying was true

it was mercy it was grace it was
all the ugly tucked away from my face

and i did it? to myself? and i did it? to you?

flash forward
and i'm an apathetic fighter
tracing my finger on this lighter
and if it takes me higher

well i'm gonna be a liar
set two truths on fire
line this world with wire
keep out a real entire

feeling my illusion and i'm glad it's in my hands to hold
when reality hissed at me that i wasn't made to fold and fold
but Habit starts small! and then Habit gets old
and Truth, do tell
and truth was told

so circumstance came as karmic knight
and filled me with so much worry about wrong and right

then circumstance tugged at two loosened strands
and i stood a little too tall before I fell into the worst of hands
dropped into circumstantial moral fight
worrying i got off far too often and far too light

so i go back into old moral grounds
here i feel a dream as it drowns
here i hear a siren as it sounds

and i know consequence didn't make me sorry and it didn't make me contrite
and if there was a thing i picked on it was Justice in a Fight

i'm sorry and i'm trying now

i wish i fought you
harder
i wish i fought you
smarter
i wish i fought you i wish
i fought you i wish
i said things that carried us away
to the battlefield it felt like we were already on