Sometimes I can't decide if I like to wonder
Or if I like to know
Because I'm tired of these illusions
That are just there to confuse me
And sometimes I don't know what to believe
Or if I believe in anything
And I'm especially sick of that
Artificial, food coloring *******
Because your cupcakes aren't actually that blue
You just want them to match the tablecloth
And the waitress gave me Coke when I thought it was Pepsi
Because maybe that happens all the time
And she's tired of saying
"Is Coke okay?"

Not happy

It's kind of like when you want something sweet
And all there is are a bunch of old bitter hard candies
Sitting in your grandma's rusted bowl
On the coffee table in the dim living room and
That candy probably isn't there for eating but just for
Decoration or something,
So you pick one out anyway and it's not all that great
Even though that's exactly what you'd expect

But that little part of you said
"Maybe this won't be
another rock solid butterscotch chew"
Because you hoped this time would be different
But you thought wrong
And you'll probably end up eating another
Because it's
Better than nothing

The sky was a light red-orange
Like the diluted grapefruit juice next to your morning cereal
And as I breathe in the sticky air
It seems like this moment was created for me
As if the silence of the house
And the grim darkness of the outside
And the cool breeze entering from my outside window
All came together and said
"Let's come as one to make this
just for him and him alone"
Like when your friends throw you
A surprise birthday party
Or you get that Valentine's Day present you weren't expecting;
The feeling is surreal because you are very very very loved
So I thanked the trees and my pillow and the dreamy state of my consciousness  
And even the dog barking from the other side of the fence
and I say
"Thank you for
this beautiful gift"

It's hard not to be sad when you are genuinely confused
About purpose and the meaning of every molecule,
And when all you can do is wonder.
It's hard to believe that your purpose
Is to have all of your questions answered  

Sometimes I wonder why I was given life;
Why does a parent bear a child?
For the obligatory manufactured satisfaction?
So on their death bed they can look back and say
"This is the mark I made on the world"?
What if your child is miserable? A **** up?
Were they doing you a favor
Or just being selfish?

It's like I gasp in the air as I finally reach the surface of the water
It's such a relief to be able to breathe again
If only just for a few minutes
When I'm drunk with laughter and
It doesn't really matter
That I should be suffocating or not,
Is it so wrong to breathe?

Because when we reach the stronghold in the end
We'll all be wondering why we didn't spend
Our time ******* in the air
And why we spent all that time
Blindly holding our precious breath

The salty sweat on my fingers make my eyes sting when I rub them
And the only things here for me are
Words from those in another realm
And a pile of soggy tissues on my bedroom floor
And I can't help staring at the blank ceiling
Feeling the touch of my pillow and wishing
That I was feeling the touch of your skin