i know guilty
i see it in everyone
one count
two counts
i know not the innocent

i know the guilt
i can see it eats you up alive

guilt=guilty
remember that before you see a prison sentence.

sorry i hurt you
i won’t apologize for
leaving-i just can’t

i'm not a liar
i'm not a stealer
i'm not a thief

i'm not anything that
you want me to be

cycle in
cycle out

out with the old
in with the new

not a single remainder
and they all say blame her

but that’s why i cycle through
so i can just forget you

it is all fun and games to be different
to live in the opposite direction

it is all fun and games to be cool
to never be under someone’s protection

but angst hurts when the bullets fall from the sky
and if you wonder how mainstream is so crowded,

now you know why

not everything
that is broken, should be put
back together

i see people use words like their weaving
and it makes me think about leaving

because i know nothing about the tide at night
or a star light and star bright

i have never been able to crate beautiful
all i have figured out is truthful

and maybe that’s enough before i figure the rest
words don’t always have to be beautiful i guess

little lottie could never speak her mind
it was always encrypted
it was always in code
and the cypher? i could never find

me and little lottie once played in the street
and all at once
my world turned around
and the world was filled with no sound

but my ears were filled with little lottie’s voice
and unfortunately it was uncrypted

i had no choice

everyone adores the fallen woman
perched upon her tree
she would not stop for any man
because no man would let her be

necklace of rope adorns her neck
her hair flowing in the gentle breeze
i wonder if anyone was able to check
if she still had my keys

she locked away my heart long ago
i was fine with it until now
but my fallen woman always echos
and i simply don’t know how

finding out it’s too late
breaking your favorite plate
screaming at fate
knowing that you don’t have to wait
a path in life that isn't straight
letting go of the weight
just to remember the first date
these are the things i hate

sometimes i just don’t think
my eyes go glassy in the time of a blink
and i just write instead of seeing a shrink
i type instead of getting another drink

all poetry is kind of stupid if you think about it
but right now, i am beyond out of it
but who gets to decide what rhymes with what?
who decides what words make the cut?

frankly i’m writing this at zero sleep
and i will probably delete this later
and if i even hear a single thought or a bleep
i will deem the entire world a traitor

"it's in the trees!"
  "it's in the ground!"
    "it's in the water!"
      "its in the pound!"
do i even make a sound

pictures on pinboards,
and theories and evidence,
everyone banging their heads,
"none of this makes sense!"

i am just a quiet observer
resting my head upon it all
as they investigate this mystery
the aftermath of an allegedly "great fall"

they are twisting their necks
and none of them have slept in days
as i watch this insanity
all the evidence slowly fades away

because the body is in too much decay
it doesn't matter where i hid the body anyway

in my mind i am still in your arms
sunlight long gone
and the full moon beaming in the night sky
i am laying in your sheets
talking until i go to sleep
with you right by my side
your sleeves are soiled with my tears
and you tell me to have no fear
because you will always be here

it is a new moon now
i figure that you are aware
but in my mind, you will always be there

dwindling flames on a newspaper
cutting off the last hairs
this isn’t fair
wheres the rewind?
wheres the continuation?
does everything always have to combust into inflammation?
no
inflammation is your skin
it lives on you
it is from you
it is all you
inflammation could be paper thin
it could be just in the wind
but it isn’t the outside
it is not a border
the blame is on you
you make your bed
it is all in your own head
you create your own reality
that is whats so scary about finality
it is the one thing you cannot control
it is a hole
an amalgamation
it is the one thing that stops the colors in the inflammation
it sparks the flame on the newspaper
the rewind is there
just use your own head
use your own world
but if there is one thing you take away
from this continuation
do not blame the inflammation on the world
it is all you
it is all you

when i am with my blankets,
i am protected
not because i am surrounded by love
i am alone
but the blankets
make it an alone
that feels okay

i bet you love raising a teenager
and imagining the scolding
the yelling
the “you don’t understand”
the eye rolls
the excuses
your golden excuse
hormones
the **** phone

but what you don’t understand
is that i don’t understand
and i am simply too tired to find out

guitars in my head
strum the visions of your face
things i can’t erase

how do i not fall
into the arms of others?
i find another

when you live in an empty room,
maybe that is what the room is meant to be
𝘦𝘮𝘱𝘵𝘺
when you try to fill a bottomless bucket
maybe there was never anything from the bucket
𝘮𝘪𝘴𝘴𝘪𝘯𝘨

some things are meant to be
and some things that you think
should
or could
or would
maybe won’t

and that’s okay
𝘵𝘰 𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘷𝘦
things the way they are

i bet you love raising a teenager
and imagining the scolding
the yelling
the “you don’t understand”
the eye rolls
the excuses
your golden excuse
hormones
the **** phone

but what you don’t understand
is that i don’t understand
and i am simply too tired to find out

the words are truly beautiful at first,
and you hang on to them like they are trees,
but reading these letters is like a curse
because they just float away in the breeze.
and once you get ****** in, you cant get out.
the pretty words keep coming all the time
it is suffocating and you can’t shout
because how can you die from simple rhymes?
it is not the art, it is the writer
they know that the words put you in a trance,
because we are all relentless fighters
we are simply better than song and dance.
but there is one thing and you must know it
do not ever fall in love with a poet.

one day i dove into my past
jumped head first into my mind
and what i found was unexpected
you wouldn’t believe what i find

my trophy wife as it seemed
since then, nobody else has cared
she was a vision of my glorious dreams
or my darkest nightmares

she used to drive me to where ever i needed
wherever i was going
on the road i was nicely treated
that was something i was bad at showing

so after the months go by
and our distance turns into years
my wife and kids will hear my endless lies
but you will know my darkest fears

but i never got you that wedding ring
my beautiful summer fling

i wish you were here
but do i want your sadness?
i will never know

the dripping of time
is slowly getting faster
till it waterfalls

dear molly,
i hope you read this in time
i hope i used all your favorite rhymes
because i cant handle myself
i keep going out of line
but its not your fault
one day, i will hope you understand
i will always be here to hold your hand
love, vans

dear dr. margaret,
don't feel too bad you didn't catch this
there was nothing you ever missed
besides this
i feel horrible in ways i can not describe
its the reason that i don't wanna be alive
but help some other kid who deserves it more
i will think of you as i hit the floor
from, vanessa moor

dear ma,
you did the best you could raising a kid
i hope that you do all that you did
don't fall into depression, and don't flee
luke still needs you, i hope you will be
the best mom, like you were to me
i will love you forever, even in the sky
its okay to cry
your favorite daughter, vi

dear luke,
keep your mind up and your head high
and eventually you will fly
i know you will do great kid
and even as i am gone don't wait kid
for all these opportunities
stay in this community
i am sorry you have to miss me
from your partner in crime, vivi

dear pa,
i never knew you, and i'm not expecting i will
but i need to write this down
so here's the deal:
if you were here, i would've done this a long time ago
you never loved me, and it shows
but i had a family that cared
and you not being here made me better
not lesser
from, vanessa

dear me,
i hope heaven exists
and i don't enter some eternal abyss
because that would ****
its hard because everyone cares
everyone gives a ****
but i guess i ran out of luck
i have a whole plan
%100 guarantee
its the least painful
i hope everyone listened to me
i'm done with being something,
so here goes nothing
sincerely, me

i am so insane
and theres is no one to blame
i guess i’m alone

please
let me in
let me in!!
i am not ready to let this end
i am ready to make amends
i want us to be friends

please come back
please come home
because i don’t know where to go

i cannot hold onto your doorframe for much longer
i cannot pound to the rhythm of my own heart
following my own drums

but you are home
but i am not
let me in
let me in!!
my whole being is spread paper thin

my mind is spread through the ashes of us
echoes of someone i used to trust
and you used to trust me too
i need someone else to let me in
so i can become whole again and move on from you

but i still see it
it is always in my mind
but i cannot find

i can’t ever think
i wish my mind were better
i wish not to wish

indecisiveness
is something i wont be
not here and not now

i quit my whistling
it is not what i imagined it to be
it is not a pleasant thing
i wish it was able to reflect me

but my whistling remind me of the trains
the choo choo
the things that lost me so long ago
i used to walk to and fro

but now i stand on solid ground
and that is why i hate my whistling
because even if it is broken

it still makes a sound

i understood
the way you would talk to me
looking like a moonbeam
i understood
the future and the timelines
but it took me a lifetime
i don’t know
how you switched the letters
met someone better
because
i was just waiting for you my mind
i miss the way that you would scream
took care of all my wildest dreams
broke through my shackles in another life
because instead you took her as your wife
but you said that you would never go
and i really thought that you would show
but now i see you in the dead of night
as you were begging for your life
and you left her for me
and you could never leave
and you can now believe
because you understood

a lie
a line
it is so fine
but it is so hard to balance all day long
it stops being difficult
and it starts being exhausting
and it makes you want to fall off

that is how you know
the real pain has begun

nobody understands loneliness till you have nobody to call
nobody understands loneliness till all your summer plans turn to fall

nobody understands it till you are sitting alone decorating your christmas tree
or your only valentine, is when you look in the mirror, you see

years go by,
and the seasons change,
but the condition,
just stays the same

you can try to fight it
try to find the cure
but these people you want to trust?
you do not feel so sure

because you can be surrounded by others
in a sea of warmth and kindness,
when all you find is drowning
and your eyes are open to everyone’s blindness

because, as grounded as a willow tree,
nobody understands loneliness better than me

sitting around
doing you know what
thinking about you know who
and i wish this wasn’t real

i wish this wasn't true
but yet i’m right here
trying to see the stars
but i need to get far
far away from here

my spot will be empty
keep me in your memory

i used to play grocery store over the table
with rusty quarters nobody would ever take
i would quit the games because i wasn’t able
to pretend for too long and act like a fake

the more i played, i became better at the games
and it almost felt like i wasn’t exhausted
there wasn't ever a set goal or aim
til i saw some food that had to be defrosted

the box behind the counter has all the quarters
and the food and the uniforms and the papers
because lifespans are getting shorter
and all my grocery dreams have became vapor

why do we sneak around
why do you tell me not to make a sound
i don’t understand why
why don’t you love me
why do i wanna be someone you love
and i am the one with the invites
i am the one who stays up at night
while you are asleep
in your girlfriends arms
do they know that they have been around my waist too many times?
and i am going insane
because if theres somebody to blame for this mess
rest assured that it’s me
i’ve never told anyone
i just wanted to have some simple and nice fun
and now i just want to quit and i’m done
but i will keep going back
and i will never stop wondering why

it’s like time passes but it doesn’t register
i move through it smoothly but you are stuck
are your clogs broken?
but they were never fixed

not now
not ever
so i have to accept
that my best bet

is simply moving on without them
because i am in the now, and they are in the then

sitting around while a blindfold covers my eyes
you wouldn’t know if you haven’t tried to fly
and it’s a cruel little curse
it makes me weak
because everything i have ever loved
makes me look bleak

and cries for help don’t work, we know that
but how do i stop this brutal attack?
it’s not in my heart, it’s my reality
and i start to wonder, is this how people see me?
it’s suffocating and entrancing at the same time
it’s scary that i know how to fly
but i don’t know how to climb

i crawled into your city
i fought into your state
i smash down your doors
and had the nerve to call it fate

i drag you by the hair
everything looks so cruel
and i know it isnt fair
and you don’t think it’s cool

but how else do i save a friendship?
gather up all the scraps
clean it off and take it home
then realize it’s all crap

there is only one way i know how to do it, of course
by force

tall grass envelops
short grass also envelops
do you care enough?

every time i reach for something that isnt there

it’s the same exact feeling as trying to get someone to care

and that hurts when you are falling so deep down

because there was nothing to hold on to

and that simple will never feel fair