I dance through snow
like my life is a fairy tale
but there are no glass slippers or castles where I belong
sometimes I'll give my gift and I'll even sing my song
to the ones that touch my soul in their way
but theyll never stay
noone ever stays too long

I trust and fall, I laugh, I give
this is the only way I know to live
but every hand I try to hold
turns to ice, turns so cold

everyone hurts the gypsy girl
they take her light, then leave her world
magic soul, heart too open gentle and wide
always alone
no place to hide

even blood can bruise so deep
i cry in colors when I sleep
i was born to love not to be loved
everyone hurts the gypsy girl

they say I shimmer, say I shine
but only when they want what's mine
a singing voice like wind through ancient trees
but no one hears my silent pleas

So I dance in circles, I sing to the stars
wishing someone could see these scars
but maybe I’m not meant to stay
maybe I was born to drift away

Everyone hurts the gypsy girl
but still she spins, still she twirls
snow beneath and fire above
still believing in a thing called love
even when it breaks her soul
even when it takes its toll
she was born to give her all
even when they watch her fall…

Everyone hurts the gypsy girl…
but shell keep dancing in her gypsy world
she lives in her own fairy tale world
yes she does

I’m afraid of love
because love burned me long ago
My cousin was an angel
soft and dreamy as spring time twilight
her beautiful inner light draped in mystical moonbeams
but it was caught in jealous hands
a dark love twisted and thorned
a poison tainting good hearts behind a cars closed doors
stealing her very breath
before my own wings had a chance to spread

a heartbreak carved deep into my family’s soul
where fathers drowned in bottles
and sorrow moved itself through the air like cigarette smoke
I was just a little girl
in the aftermath.. I became her ghost
walking through a garden of lost roses
where the wind carried the weight of ******
and grief wrapped cold around my skin and heart
and I learned how to take shots in the dark

No lullaby could warm me
no hand could hold back the pain
a child learning too soon
that love can burn like gasoline and drown you like May rain
it can even can **** with a whispered call
and leave you trembling
afraid to ever open your heart at all

but sometimes, when the night falls upon me slow
I hear her voice
a haunting melody of freedom and fire
She says
"Rise, wild heart, don’t let my darkness bind you
you’re a soldier queens flame that my killer can’t ever steal
though love has burned and my shadow has claimed you
there’s a fire inside you so real.. you are free to let go of my tragedy, but I will always be with you still."

Angel of may danced in the dark with a tiny diamond ring in her hand
moon on her shoulder, her feet in the sand
gold in her hair before the sun could even set
the air of 92 never whispered to any of us
that it would hauntingly end

Michele, Michele… I can feel you breathe
your name is the wound underneath the heart on my sleeve
Oh, golden girl
Oh, golden girl
i see you in your soft angel glow…
red rose blood drips down onto the
blossoms where you still grow
i’d give back all of my may stars
just so you would never have had to go

William Rainey aimed at the light and shattered the dawn
three lovers went quiet in the afternoon light, the music was gone
she reached for my hand in the ash of the sky
i wasn’t too late but I wasn’t nearby
time became a  ghost that wouldnt let me sleep
she sings for me in the mirror and cries with me in the deep
the ring that she gave me was stolen and it shoots through my heart colder than bone
because I carry her blood in the cracks of my own

Michele, Michele… I can feel you breathe.
your name is a wound underneath the heart on my sleeve
Oh golden girl in your soft angel glow
red rose blood drips onto the blossoms where you still grow
inside of me
I'd give back all my treasures
just so you would forever feel light as a feather
just so you would have another spring day

Oh golden girl,
you never really died
I took on your spirit, I really took on your life
it was heavy to hold, but I didn't mind
you will always be the angel I captured long ago
but I will never truly find you
therefore the search will never end
your candle light will always burn in my soul
the flame in my heart that time will never rend
I love you Golden girl

If I could go back
i’d find her there in that car
in the twilight of that moment
and pull her from the dark

Golden girl, you took the bullet for me
you’re etched deep into the bones of my soul
a may 12th wind
that ill never let go

carved into my damaged heart, written into my darkened light
your name shines inside the spring stars at night
forevermore, you ride with me
my golden girl, my eternity

Golden girl, your blood
my blood
our blood

We went walking on the ocean
it wasn’t even summer yet
a little cold, we were happy, I was seventeen years old
He wrote on a box of shells we found
said "keep this around"

that box is gone now
somewhere between inhumane moves
and people I don’t talk to anymore
but inside of me
it stays
drowning in the dream

I’ve always loved the water
always the first to dip my toes
no matter how cold
and even now, id go wandering in deep waters unknown
barefoot
still
wishing to grow
up
but I'm always drowning
in the dream

I love with all my heart.
until he shows me who he really is
and then I wonder if
my father was the last man
who ever truly loved me

grief sits beneath my eyes
a broken heart is
too heavy to pick up
and fly
and I really try.
god, do I try.
but I always find myself
unable to walk steady
Maybe I'm not
one for the land

I’m always drowning in the dream
lipstick smeared in titanic movie scenes
Pretty words and a golden helping hand
But it all turns to quicksand
cant stay steady for too long
maybe I'm not one for the land

sea gentle and soft, then a storm on the brink
Love in white lace and dads handwriting in black ink
I try to run, I try to stand...
But baby, I may not be
one for the land

Im always drowning in the dream

O fairest Michele, a white rose torn
Ere I had breath, thy soul was mourned
a fragile star in heavens keep
blonde angel lured
into a cold blooded sea

hearts turned dark and secrets would creep
In silent nights
where the angels weep

Upon the twelfth of cruel May
The moon wept tears that veiled the day
He lured the blonde angel, I was fallen
a baby girls wings were clipped
pain became my calling

My father’s heart did break and die...
As the bottle drowned his anguished cry.
If magics hand could stop time
I'd save her
shed still be alive
and so would i

Upon the twelfth of cruel May,
The moon wept tears that veiled the day
He lured the angel, I was fallen
a baby girls wings were clipped
pain became my calling

Michele, I still wear your diamond ring
inside of me, it’s everything.
stolen from my hand, just like you,
Murdered love, an angel true

Blonde Angel in the spring dark, forever mine
a love that bleeds outside of time
The gun has gone off in my heart a thousand times,
cold fire burning through these fragile poetry lines
I was a baby, the pain came too soon
Michele's shadow following me like a dark perfumed room
the gun.. the love that’s gone
I carry it with me, all life long

This poem is for Michele Vitagliano.  It is also for Shanda Sharer.  Two Beautiful angels lost in the burn of a lying loves flame

you came into this world with time pressing on your neck
A child of dark shadows dancing near death
The doctors said you for sure would not stay
But even then, sickness couldnt extinguish your flame

They never saw the boy inside
you were lightning on the blue green sea tide
A misunderstood lullaby
but if you were ever searching for Love
I think you know
you found it
in me, your baby dove

Pain is the only true friend youve known
It got you bad, so now its something that doesn't even make you bleed
You are my beauty
and my beast

the sky turned blue green velvet
just like the way you had told me it would be so
i saw the shimmer of orion's belt, soft and slow
like you still here, but letting go

your eyes once held the ocean deep
now silence is the song you keep
you fade like daylight through the magic night mist
But I still feel you in all of this

the world forgets you, but I hold tight
to your ghost
dancing in the night
you
are
the
northern star

you are the light behind the stars
the whisper in the dark
the candlelight that somehow still remains
even now, just where you are
you are the light behind the stars
though your voice has gone away
your love will always stay

the world forgets you, but I hold tight
to your ghost
dancing in the night
you
are
the
northern star

the world forgets you,
but I know
you are the most
Beautiful
and they don't know

In the heart of the
predatory jungle
all the best deals are on the rise
monkeys are counting their rainy day pennies
all the big bad wolves are out
searching for the real prize
through their yellow tawny eyes
lions flex their heart muscles
spirits as sharp as their claws
elephants selling everything and their mother
its a ruthless stampede on all the laws
Stifling orchid vines and cloaked palm trees
Money talks on every breeze

Diamond miners digging deep
Foxes play the market steep
Owls watching close and they never sleep,
Trading secrets
Talk is cheap

Who’s the real king, who’s the real pawn?
In this parched rainforest, the birds fight for their song
Pragmatism rules the nights power
Survival is the call of the hour
Dog eats dog beneath the silver moon’s glow
Keep your bow and arrow close, don’t let them know

As for her, shes got heart but she’s got fangs
She don’t bite unless she’s backed to the wall
Shell love you deep but cross her line
You'll meet the howling wolf
every
single
time

In this predatory jungle
there is a woman
the beast
that beasts obey

Her heart is a bear
and she'll scare the hair
off a real one
But, she really is the real one

Woman
Predatory jungle
She has absolutely captured fear
and ripped it apart
with her fanged soul
Don't **** with her

Dear Nicole,
It’s been so very hard
graceful lady, I know who you are....

nobody if they ever truly knew you, would ever want to step right in your shoes
not the magic ruby ones or those worn out cowboy boots
They only saw the pretty
Never the bruised
Never the innocent child
Who never once flinched at the truth

Dear Nicole,
You were born into fire
and never had a home
You were given madness
instead of a place to grow
Small hands held onto a big dream
A heart too soft for what the world would bring

a yellow brick lie
A girl with castles in her eyes
Stepped out and got hurt
Thought love was soft

But the world had claws
And no curtain hid its flaws
You were brave you believed
But nothing was what it seemed
Yellow brick lie
They told you to fly
Then clipped your wings mid sky

wasn’t easy, was it?
To be born pretty in a world like this..
beauty isnt armor cause it never stopped the hits
a mothers glass slippers running on gravel roads
and red heels that never clicked
A house full of ghosts...
And storms that would never quit

A father repeating pain....
An uncle with no shame
You learned young
That home could be hell
Under the wicked witches
jealous spell

Too many mirrors...none of them true
Too many lions without courage
Scarecrows pretending they knew
The wicked witch after you
But you..
You kept walking through

wasn’t easy, was it?
click your heels, but where’s the magic?
a new york girl in a world off axis
carrying broken hearts and alcoholic habits
A sister gone without a trace..
A mother fading into white lace...
An old pain... dressed in blue
Wasn’t easy finding you

Somewhere over the damage
You dreamed of Kansas skies
But the bricks were broken
And the wizard fed you lies

A ****** shadowed your youth
An absence that made you crave the truth
You played brave on the surface
But no one asked what it cost
They just called it Nicoles choices
And named what you’d lost

But oh, Dorothy
You didn’t need a way home
You were the road
Ruby hearted
bright eyed
Still breathing where you should’ve died
You were magic all along
In a world that got it wrong

I was just a kid back when tapes were put in slow
Back when my uncles cancer let me know...
that dull aching pain can sing pretty...and pretty can cry
when Jagger whispered truths even a 4 year old girl
couldn't deny
From wild horses to tattoo you
I learned what the broken boys do
Oh, the rolling stones
I am forever bound to you....
childhood living was easy to do with you around
my voice was laced with micks magic....
Im all very real you see...and up my sleeves
nothing but a good heart, no cheap trick

Wild horses...running inside me
******* heart beats like a drum
raised by riffs so I ain't ever numb
The songs were my uncles gifts to me
Now those wild horses tear through my heart and
I truly see

start me up was more than a spark
It lit up the corners of my dark
Yeah, I grew up to Tattoo You
Rolling Stone blooded and always true
If you listen close you’ll see
Those wild horses still run free
in me

blue crying crystals
live behind my brown eyed vessels
seeing is a curse
but pain can be a thrill

the leaves had barely fallen
when god took you home...you said it was your calling
October 14th...the coldest light
the day I found out
that I lost you
to the dark soul of the night

the drugs crept into your good heart.. a wealthy girls shadow...
appealing and slow
took your voice...took your angel glow
but as you were falling in your dream,
you still
lifted me

they said you were gone... but I didn't believe
you were the ghost in my mirror, I know you also did see
you were the wild in every room, oh your sweet perfume
no one but me saw how deep you bled
The battles that lived inside your head

I tried to hold you, I tried so hard
But your family slipped away like a falling star
Still, I feel you wrap around my spine
Telling me softly
Im your favorite and you're still mine

i was only two shadows then
of knowing...
only a child...and a future woman
when the quintessential sky
broke open
I danced in its sun and its lie....
no awareness that war had begun under my very ground
The sky was too blue to mean harm to me..
but I saw people fainting...and I heard the angel of death's sound
I watched both castles turn into flame
No one explained what death looked like
So I stared right into the light

by evening, Dad rounded up the town
to pray for the fallen...
but I didn’t understand it...
just watched the candles flicker in my hand
I didn't know I'd be one day
a woman, slipping through
her own grief like slow moving sand

The night was thick with my whisper
words I couldn’t yet hold..
but the light pulled me forward
a gentle magic
when the world turned cold

the towers knew me
I leaned against their windows
like stained glass in a cathedral
first time I ever felt fear
bet you, you could hear late 90s twin towers life, two haunting sears
if you put my heart
to your ear

my city split like a libras night veil.
And the air
the sacred air
turned black with souls
and I burned the incense in my soul...
they were trying to stay
a little bit longer
inside someone
inside a 9 year old girl.

They are in me still.
I carry them in the caves of my lungs,
in the red Hudson river of my blood
They speak in my dreams
not with fear
but with flame.
I think they want me to carry their name
and live
for them

No one told me
that a child could become
a reliquary
of angels

I carry their smoke and their ashes in my heart
Dreams were glass windows and the glass was breaking
Angels wept.. and gods were shaking
I watched the sunlight turn into haze
And wandered like a puppet
through those firelit days

day one day two day 42
i breathed in their...ashes
and I wear them inside
the locket in my heart

new york girl...
will always know the dark
and she will never stop weeping

No one told me
that a woman could become
a reliquary
of angels

Dark roast coffee got me spinning around and my hands can't stop shaking...
and for a second, my eyes meet the mirror ....who's that girl...or woman....
with the princess bride frown?
My ex moves like a riverside ghost, no message and no signs...im aching.
left me haunted in the morning
got me trapped in my own mind.....wish I could say all these lessons were free
but oh what a very costly fine....
Men seem to come and go like my grandmothers blue glass ash tray dreams that don't stick
to women like us ..... soft heart and mind quick
who's loving me when the sun starts to set?
cause, I’m still alone in a queens bed..

I want magic, not just smoke
want a touch that don’t feel like a joke
I’m a Gypsy moon spell...
I’m a once in a 500 year storm, I’m the post war heartache and the museum art
If I write it down maybe I won’t fall apart
Give me pleasureable love.... give me truth for breakfast
Chocolate lips...morning sunken sea eyes
I’m reckless
its all my fault
Cause I needed to eat, im a poetess
For me to write, I need to die

Scroll past my pain....no one even sees
A message left on read like I’m just September 11th debris
Don’t need your answers... might not even need your love
I need my singing voice
a chance to share it to the world, like a magician I want to release
my white magic dove
I need a pen
Oh the pain. Oh the suffering
Lord, its been enough

I don’t need forever, just something that stays
A pulse in my fathers silence, a spark in my mothers excruciating haze
I’m not too much.... but I'm also way too alive
If you're my knight
Don’t ever dim my shine
just to survive
I got a joan of arc inner fight

I want magic...not just mirrors and smoke
Want a kiss that don’t burn when I choke
I’m a fortune tellers spell, I’m a dying flame
I’m the bone and the break
If I sing it loud, maybe I won't shake
give me pleasurablelove
give me truth for breakfast, that's my true desire
Queen bed dreams, I’m messy, I’m restless
You want water signs
but I'm an Aries
fire

So I write like it's holy, I write because I must turn pain into rhythm
turn meaningless ******* into dust
I want magic ...and I am it
I want love ...and I’ll **** it
until its mine
Joan of arc
My time
is coming

As a child, she innocently climbed the branches of her backyard tree...
the mother once reached for the truth in the sky...
But the tree held her in its grasp
And so the woman in white lace
had to climb down
and say goodbye

A glass shattered on the ground
Reflections of a life once whole...
Black stones scattered at her small feet
Vanity's price took its toll...

Oh, the woman in white lace with a conch shell pressed to her ear
wants to listen to the oceans call
But her heart is made of tin
and she can't
hear
she can't hear
True beauty
falling on mermaids deaf ears
her quick to run away fins
icy blue tears

A cry escapes the mothers lips..
A plea for freedom, for release
But the tree's hold is unyielding
Her struggle never ceased

and in the silence of the Ireland night..
sometime's the tree releases its grip
and the mother falls to the ground,
Her spirit begins to lift... a little bit...
but not enough to hear the sound
of..wind and water

The woman in white lace turns around
There's a mirror...and
She knows deep inside,
She wants the truth to be
nearer
for her daughter
But the trees grip
is too strong
So she'll climb down
who says surviving is wrong

And the daughter has to climb up that tree
all alone......
in the dark of night

And the daughter becomes
the woman in white lace

ghosts of cherry blossoms bloom beneath moonstone forest light
castles crumble and I’m losing the fight...
but I walk like durga with eleven watchful eyes
and each arm bears a weapon and it gives me such pain
but I know that
within me is a sword to cleave the chain

I ride the lioness of my good will.. and somehow im unbroken
claws for grace in every word of mine unspoken
trident in my heart to balance the three
Sattva, Rajas, Tamas
the superstar, the daughter, the bird that lives on the sea
all parts of me

Falls from the towers, wings in the dust
If tomorrow never comes, at least I’ve felt us
and i'm remembering love in a boat set to sail
and each tear is a pearl weighing down
Nicoles mermaid tale

maybe this pain is a beauty to bear
A burden that silver lines my murky water despair
Abuse and bruises.... the price of my musicality themed art
but in my brokenness, I start to restart
hopelessness whispers to me, but I hold the knife
A moonstone heart that still wants life

falls from the castle and my gown now rent and torn
Each arm a reminder that my body can be reborn...
If there’s a reason... I’ll turn it to song
A witch’s lament or an armor strong
Ill have to choose
I don't want let you go but sweetheart its
me or you

Boats of remembering drift on nights sea
pearls of sorrow clinking and clattering soft to my heart beat
I was near the edge..thought I’d taste the end
But found songwriting in the scars I can’t mend
If tomorrow never comes let me at least be
A goddess in ruin
still setting me free

Yes, this pain is the beauty I bear
Pearls on my nightstand, moonlight in my hair
Falls from the castle...I thee depart...
Broken and sacred.. this is my heart

Do I have a chance at life beyond my watery cage?
A sustaining soul to turn the page?
Or is the cost too heavy
will the light scorch and blind?
Mermaid caught in currents
torn between two kinds

I thee depart
This is my start

dandelions on the side of the road
symbols of hope.. are the weeds where the wild things grow
dad used to call them wishnics...and he said my name like a Texas spell
I’d blow on the seeds but i never could tell
if the wish ever heard me
If the wind ever cared
But they popped up around us
like someone was there

new york weeds in the cracks, my gold dusted disguise
Like the ones we loved and lost, above the skies
Whistling my favorite songs in the breeze
I'm Rapunzel in a house no one sees
Black Widow spider web, blue green dragonfly wing
What kind of magic do the weeds bring?

the flowers are not born, they just appear
no one plants them, they're just here
Like me..just growing alone
carving my name into his heart of stone

Wishnics...
Wishing songs...
No one's wrong for dreaming too long
I walk past the house, the spell inside of me still hums
and I walk free...
I come undone
With poetry

Everyone wants the throne but not the fight
They want my magic but not my night
I’ve seen men beg with their teeth all red
I’ve brought myself
back from the dead.

Gone is the prince and me, now just a crown of weeds
My kingdom’s dead but it still bleeds
If love was a gun, then I surely kissed the chrome
Now I haunt this world like it’s my throne

hauntingly beautiful music in the back of my skull
Life is darkness, ludicrous....Pain full
The bullets ring in my heart and I flinch at every tone
I’m an hourglass soul, fragmented and alone

Michele’s blood whispers in that dark red bloom
a ****** charm cast in a hollow grief stricken room
weeds, shards, and ghostly refrains
I’m whistling through pain, unbroken chains
In a house of glass
my throne, my cell
Darkness is home, and I know it well

She was beauty, she was blood...she is my ice and flame
separated from the living by a killers name
Michele, my mirror, my curse, my pain
my flower that reveals in the May 12th rain

3 shots of silence, she became a beautiful chord
oscillating in my mind, never ignored
Her death becomes dads spell,  a half forgotten song
Weeds bleed gold where she belonged

Michele’s rose in the dust
Love feels more like lust

I sit in the corner in a white dress
A wedding with no vows and no guests
Pink velvet dreams and green rhinestone tears
A tambourine plays for the singer I hold dear

A gold mirror hangs so divine
Shows a girl with a heart that's no longer mine

Oh, love leaves me dusty, deserted and torn
A lantern I carry for nights that have never been born
I bleed in the night silence with no table and no feast
Just candlelight and the dream of peace
My heart...it’s not glass, it learned how to sink...
An hourglass woman
alone on the brink

You, my ex with your boyish goodbye
You love me, I know, but you won’t even try
You're growing, you're going, you're leaving the flame
And I’m still the altar that whispers your name
My sacred heart burns, but no one can see
The God who still keeps me when death wanted me

Oh, love leaves me dusty, deserted and torn
A lantern I carry for nights that have never been born
I bleed in the silence with no table, no feast
Just candlelight and the dream of peace
My heart, it’s not glass, it learned how to sink
An hourglass woman, alone on the brink

No dinner, no dance, no toast to the bride
Just pink crushed velvet and tears that won’t hide
Uncle Kevin said, “God keeps you here”
And I wonder what for
another lost year

A woman whose life turned to stone
Living on borrowed time, dying alone
Still I sing with my tambourine, shaking with fragmented self grace
A prayer for the ones who vanish without a trace

Slammed doors **** up my nervous system
No one listens and I wouldn't miss em
People who don't care about their neighbors
Step over love like its something to run from

A dad who never looked me in the eyes
If his heart is good, he wears a good disguise
If love was a god, he or she walked right past
And left me with bones that’ll never relax

An hour glass woman
How much time do I have
Remember I'm stone, not glass
Gazing into the Witches Crystal Ball and
I see the ones I loved
Fading away..Dorothys had enough

A gold mirror hangs so divine
Shows a girl with a heart that's no longer mine
Oh, All I want to love
is time

I came back but i was gone in your eyes
Like a house with all the lights off inside
I reached out through the summer shadows and the wildfire smoke
But love don't ignite just cause you hope

Last night, I felt the emptiness of the moon
No one around just the ghost of you
As alone as I’ve ever known how to be
Empty room, no air left to breathe

I don’t feel beautiful I don’t feel real
Like a melted ice sculpture someone forgot to feel
Chords in my chest, I'm not a willow tree and I cant bend
Strumming the sting of the bitter end

I needed you

I tried to be sultry enough, but enough ain’t love
You held me like a sweet memory, not like holy blood
Running cold now through every vein
I call your name but it’s just pain

I thought you'd see the seashells still in my hands
But you changed like the tides, and now my heart is sinking sand
You used to know the melody of my soul
Now it’s just unwillingness.
There's a stiffness about you
and I'm listening to all your songs
but this time around,
I hear broken notes

I don’t feel beautiful, I don’t feel seen
a quiet cematary of love that might have been (and we dwell there)
Guitar chords cutting right through my skin
Each one a scar where you had been

I needed you

What’s left behind is heavy and true
The aftermath of my sickness, still holds you
I’m picking up pieces of who I was
But they don’t fit like they did, because…

I don’t feel beautiful, not anymore
Like a cold icy heart that’s melted on the floor
But somewhere in this broken tune
Is proof we loved so hard,
even with our wounds

I needed you

You ask what I want and I know you'd like to think its your hands on my skin
But love, i’m a priestess
living in a far away temple within
you could never go to this place..

and most of the time, I don’t crave a body..I just crave a face
I want a holy possession
when they say
my name

Honey this sn’t romance..it’s my rite, a call
to shatter the madness and the lies once and for all
I crave the dark light, the sacred tone..
To sway in the majestic
of my singing voice alone

It’s been caged in shadow, captive in broken dream
What I need is to burn on stage, where I’m meant to be
No lover can touch what I ignite
My war, my worship, my birthright
What I’m after... is my soul

You ask what I want and I know you'd like to think its red roses
But love, i'm a gardener
and I got my own bouquets
and you could never..ever...
see my place

and most of the time, I don't crave your ***
most of the time, I just want...

someone there
as I dance
to myself

Selfish woman I am
Sable on Blond...I'm in a fight
forever with my own hell
right and wrong

I need my stage
I need my song
You have taken a part of me for sure love,
but I'm not yours to hold
Time to fly away
if you didnt know
Im
a
bird on a wire
Island dove

They were married in the 1986 summer light
June the 14th, hearts burning bright...
hands held close, vows soft and true
The kind of love that every one at some time in their life,
wishes they once knew

Off they flew to Bermuda skies..
A pipe dream colored in pink pastel sunset ocean tides...
and somewhere deep beneath that beauty of blue..
A storm was born
and my sister came through
born with a brain defect
maybe the wake of the boat had some strange effect
Too much moon in her blood
first daughter, lost in the water, lotus in the mud
And now I see it in the mirror’s face...
that same ache in me
and it's sinking
my belief.
and suddenly I'm an ocean floor
and I am swallowed by the melancholy
siren songs..
Mom and Dads bones lay there.
What ill have left is
Diana, a permanent forever piece of them
I am there, empty

my sister, oh
I love her like the sea loves the shore
Even when her waves pulled me apart..
she was always the echo inside my heart
We’re daughters of something fragile and blue
hurricane Andrew almost got us in August 1992
We carry moms sea queen crown and the salt stained heartache
dads sunken anchor, his burdened fate
still trying not to break

Now I wanna say, I know I **** it up...
I’m not always a good woman to you..
I hide like a mermaid in the waves
part of me just cant be true.

I am etched from a broken tide
where love goes missing...
where heartbreaking secrets can capsize
a daughter of the oceans cry
You offer safe harbors
but I only know shipwrecks
You give me your hands
and I bring you hexed sands ( and I see it falling through and I go away)
I never learned still, I only know flight
a gull in the dark...
a ghost in the night.

I’m a broken dove from a perfect sky...
Born of love too wild to survive...
Caught in the triangle they sailed over as they wined and dined
A song of a lying lullaby

She wore white and he stood strong, tall
I’ve seen the pictures and the writing on the wall
They looked like stars before the fall...
they danced til they crawled...
Their smiles sweet like island rain
But in their kiss I could see the strain
The beauty bloomed...then came the cost
Two girls
born of love… and loss.

I’m a broken bird from a perfect sky
Born of love too wild to survive
Caught in the triangle they carried home and left behind...
and im Floating through the ghost of their design
They gave me wings
filled my heart
with wilted babys breath

And I wonder if they ever knew
That paradise could splinter too
That from the brightest wedding flame
Could hurt
two girls who bear their name…
Like a curse, like a prayer
both the answer and the shame

I’m a broken dove, still trying to fly,
when I close my eyes, i'm suddenly surrounded by a Bermuda sky.
They loved like fire and they meant no harm
But I was born inside their storm
They gave me love, they gave me death
And crowned it all with baby’s breath

How can I ever believe that love could last
When I am born from pirates gold
turned
broken
sea glass

She was born in the ides of March
wrapped in aquamarine light...
a girl born with a heart way too much like her fathers,
a storm before
the calm of night...
but her mothers suppression
would halt
her internal Joan of arc fight
chains around her soul so tight
around a fire
too.
bright
but her sword was never lost
inside

Her voice was black velvet
soft but fierce, if you heard it you'd know it
a singer with a big heart
too big for this worlds desire to
take a pure thing
and tear it apart

her beauty was a curse
a target on her back, always against her.
she was weak and it was bold
they whispered poison behind her back
hatred sharp and cold
they didn't know
that there was liquor in her veins
and if there was a darkness in her stare,
a murders shadow lingered close
and it was a weight she couldn’t bear
They tried to break her
and she burned and bled..
a wild soul tangled up in their web
a lack of self love
only made her taste the dread
even more so.
and she couldn't
win the wars.

So many men claimed to love her
but then they just
threw her on stage like dirt
she had to bring her own roses
the curtain closed
before she had time to rehearse

Her voice was velvet
soft but fierce
a singer with a big heart
too big for this worlds desire
to take a good thing
and it tear it apart

a singer with a big heart
her heart is blue now like her birth stone
its crying its dying
its swimming in
the coldest sea
alone

aquamarine
aquamarine

a singer with a big heart
she is just human
never wanted her own beauty
every soul knows how to sing really
she ain't nothing
too worthy

She was like sea glass, tumbled from time

the kind who held onto dead yellow roses
like they still had life

the kind that would save broken things
to create mosaics....but she never had the chance
because when she was ready to,
they clipped her wings

The kind who could hear her very own heart
in the rhythm
of the sea
Grief is the much too detrimental storm
you learn to live beneath

She said love felt like a seashell
beautiful
but hollow if you listened too long

As a child,
she held up the big seashells to her ear
and really believed in her heart of hearts
it was the ocean
whispering just to her.

She’d close her eyes,
feel the tide inside her scoliosis pained ribs
she felt the ancient
the beauty of belief

She believed in sirens too
not the dangerous kind,
but the lonely ones
singing not to lure
but to be heard
See,
what she was believing in
was her.

And one day at 33,
she picked up a shell again
years older,
heart much more
damaged
Held it to her ear
she still hears the waters
but now its more of a bay.
its dying

Oh, how she knows
Sea Glass
is a dangerous thing to allow yourself to be

distance didnt extinguish the fire Ive had to carry
the miles between us took the wheel inside my soul
driving me into the ocean of our fragmented love, burning me slow
more broken than you'll ever know
than you'll ever know

a master guitarist, every strum precise
knowing my body’s secrets, the exact notes to entice
your fingers dancing like music pressing just right
bringing me to heights like stars in the night
the way we made love, it was more than skin
It was fire, it was my our prayer, it was everything

I know it cuts, the thought of me with someone new
but I was drowning what else could I do?
I needed touch, I needed breath
I was dancing with ghosts, flirting with death
It wasn't love, not like you
their hearts were empty, their eyes untrue
I felt like a rag doll passed around
searching for the pleasure I lost when you left town

and in case you pondered
to know you too, looked for comfort in others
makes me feel empty and haunted like an angry ghost
its excruciating for me too,  a wound that even time cant close
guess we lit ourselves like candles in the wind
b urned fast... burned wrong...lost in shameful sin
but no one ever held the flame like you
no one ever loved me like you used to do
you were the ease, the song in the wind

Something in California and New York lied
they said I'd be okay without you by my side
but the nights turned cold and time stood still
I still reached for you and I always will

I never found your touch again
it faded like smoke in the pouring rain
the best of my life, that’s who you were
now I’m scared of losing the way you
declared your love to me first (although..I felt it all along and you know it)
but I was stuck in a love less marriage and you hate me for saying so
but what was a woman to do, when she was hollow
you were a flame in a world gone dark
resurrected my body and soul, then it tore apart
I don’t know where we go from here…
but just know, I was shattered dear

Do you still feel me in your bones?
when you're lying awake and you're all alone
did we burn too bright, too fast, too soon?
am I just a ghost now beneath your west coast moon

I never found your touch again
It faded like smoke in the pouring rain
the best of my life, that’s who you were
now I’m scared of losing the way you declared love first (but I felt it all along)
you were a flame in a world gone wrong, gone dark
resurrected my soul and made me strong
then it tore apart
i don’t know where we go from here…
but just know, I was shattered, dear

from California fire to New York snow
I carried your love everywhere I'd go
and though we're lost, just so you know
you are bound to me
and still l wish for you

She crawls in dark blue shadows and paints herself gold
Fangs of virtue....but her lies are as old as time
In the mirror, a snake, but she sees smoke
Thinks she’s a goddess, queen of the night
But her throne is built on borrowed light
on Barbara Jane's time

She plays the saint, plays it so well
But I remember every spell
New York was too small for her lies
So she fled to Utah’s open skies
A bigger stage to hide her family sin
But the secrets of the night
will always follow her where she's been

You’re a pseudo wolf, crying in the dark
Hiding your sins behind muscle and bark
But I’ve seen the beast, I’ve heard the screams
You can't outrun the reckoning in my dreams

You stole from the broken, laughed at their cries
Built your kingdom on silenced goodbyes
Selling homes with a serpents tongue
Stealing bribes from poisoned lungs
Your father’s shadow cloaks your throne
A legacy of hurt carved into bone
You howl at the moon hoping we forget
But I’m the witch you’ll regret

You’re a pseudo wolf, bleeding fake power
Dressed like thunder in your weakest hour
But I am the storm, I’m the truth you flee
Kathryn, you’ll remember me

You thought I was weak, didn’t you?
Just a girl with a song and too many scars
But I’m the howl beneath your silence
The fire under your borrowed stars

You’re a pseudo wolf, unholy queen
Your reign of fear ends in this dream
I rise with the moon, I claim what’s mine
The real wolf walks this crooked line

And how dare you use sweet Eileen
She was never yours to scheme
The sunflowers grow beneath my sky
Not in your shadow, not in your lie.

You’re a lying, ugly creature, masked in guile
A twisted soul with a poisonous black widow smile
I remember the venom in your tongue
But Kathryn
I’m the Enchantress, and I’ll burn you strong
If you ever try again to hurt the good ones
Get back in your cage Snake
where you belong
I'll close it myself if you ever
commit a crime against us again

Kathryn sells lies

Sometimes I tear
not from the pain
but from a dream unheld
a cat curled warm
in the cradle of my hands
a sanctuary..
maybe safety...is just a castle
in a far away land
and I have to close my eyes
to be there.
safe and sound
but somehow, I see myself turning all the way around
a warrior will always run back into a burning house

If I should die today
I'll know my heart
tried to settle it's affairs
and understand the dark

but, Please
no more burning
Take it easy on the woman who sings
let the night hold me soft

Love,
from a past life
maybe I was a nightmare
and I deserved the tragedy
or could I have been
a sigh in the trees
My heart is
its very own stone on the altar
I think it's moonstone like
June lives inside its shelter
and sometimes amethyst
a calming prayer
a song.
my hope.
was used on the wrong people.
yes I know my mistakes.

but please
no more burning
take it easy on the woman who sings
let the sunlight hold me easy

The beauty queen... she has to pay
For every love that turns away...

Go ahead, feel
the tangibility of her broken heart
Touch her crown but know it’s steel
She’s soft she’s fire she's real
But she’s not here just to be healed

Go ahead, feel
the receptivity of her broken heart
But don’t pretend you know the deal
Her love is deep her scars are real
She builds her army on what they steal

The candle burns...the sun still blinds
She’s danced alone a thousand times

The beauty queen...she has to pay
For every love that turns away

They couldn’t touch her they could only dream
She lives somewhere between star and scream
Not cruel just unseen
That’s how you survive as a mystical queen
Beauty Queens pay a price

My greatest jewel
my heart.
its always had a way of beating hard

Wore the crown, lived in the castle
I was even Married to the King
This is when I learned the hard way
Money ain't everything
Richer with nothing on my skin

Now,
Im a
Faded
Queen
and Love is
what I love the most

I’ve been around...cant say that I'm not a little wild
Mature but stupid, you could call me heartbreaks child
I laugh to hide the bruises on my heart
But my love travels through time
so I wish upon Arabellas star

Under mystical sky, I’m dancing and its like
smoke moving slow.....
Playing with the kinda fire  that only wild hearts know
A gypsy’s song, her own wing and a prayer
Love’s a flame that’s everywhere

But...i worry
What if love’s a shooting star?
Too bright, too fast, too far....
After it all...
Will I stand alone in the dark?
watching you fade from my heart?
And then you’ll burn your name into the sky
Then vanish without a goodbye
And I’ll be left, just looking up at night

I'll just disappear
I play poker in the dark
But I’m playing against myself and I lose every hand.
Constellations map out my scars
Diamonds glitter around me
like Demolished plans
and im fading
in the Summer light
its burning me good
****, im only alive in the night

Oh, im a Faded Queen
and Love is what I dream of
the most

Ill lay on lily pads in my mind
and im drifting sinking slow
maybe
the water is my only home
cause the earth
just sinks me deep
I can feel
everything seep
from my heart

Im a fading Queen
a shooting star in the dark
I could be the one that burns
but I desperately want to be the one that returns
Back to Love

Dad strummed guitar in '74 in his room
before I was even a star in his sky
back when Pink Floyd made him cry
his fingers bleedin
when he felt the magic of the dark side of the moon
when Syd Richard david Roger Keith Nick and Bob
Lent their Enchantments
to the post war world

I’ve always wanted a golden heart locket
To hold something real inside of it....
But when I stand on top of the mountains that I climb
I'm reminded once again
that I'm just so small
Still I crave for a place for love
if love should call

My wish list isn’t long these days
Cooler air, marigold haze

This heart is becoming comfortably numb
I've always wanted a knight
to save me
But when I stand besides the ocean I'm reminded once again
that life is not a fairy tale
still I crave for heaven
had too much hell
too much cold steel rail
I think I can tell
that it's been more pain
than blue sky
I can tell
its gotten me to....
exchange lead roles in cages for...
my loneliness..
cost of freedom


Wishes
is my heart another brick
in the wall
of....
Lying love

How I wish
it didn't hurt
Oh how I wish
we weren't lost Dad
And that we weren't scared of the same thing
Wish you were
my king

Wish you were here
Now my fingers bleed
for that 70s rock teenage boy and his crooked smile
No matter what painful melodies I strum to
I come from you,
I come from
The dark side
of
That moon

I’ve been naked in the eyes of the beholders of the world...
Did they see beauty?
Weakness? Strength? Or just another pretty girl?

I don't think ive ever truly worn a veil....I've been unfurled
They watch me bleed and call it a Sunday.....swear I can hear them build
shelter with my bitter...and to them it tastes sweet
and I swear I seen them lick their fingers clean
of me

But I’ve got no sanctuary
no hiding place
and it kills the singer
it kills the singer
it kills the singer

Water surrounds me...and it ain't just narrow
its so ******* wide....
No boat of my own just the changing tide
of my miserable life

I am seen but not held
I am touched but not known
I'm a mermaid at heart... so I never really need a boat
I can take the water baby
I can swim, I can float
so don't feel too sorry for me

They write stories on my skin with their eyes
Turn my pain into lullabies
I cry for shelter.... the wind replies
Never....never...
Your home is...
nestled inside
a North star less sky
look up...at least its something

I hold on to hope that the storm will give me back my wings
or the moon  will pull me into good things
I want to be held close, I want to be grounded like earth and stone
til then I drift
no boat of my own
but don't feel sorry for me
im a mermaid in my heart
the cold is all I need....
if I truly made love to you and felt the warm...
i'd stab a ******* knife in your heart
and depart
and I wouldn't even mean it at all
please sing that to your soul
this brunette girl has only ever known
the Fall

I am seen but not saved
Always open.....never safe
but who knows
A sanctuary could be just one wish away...

Til then I'll strum my guitar
I hope freedom ain't too far

Withstood torched battles and freezing cold seas
Watched the good ones die...the bad ones steal the light from me
And I fell to my knees
I told the truth when they could only lie
Let things rot and crumble down
But if I fall
I’ll burn down this ******* town

I close my eyes and I see it, resplendent
Riding on a black beauty in slow motion, my neck empty of my pendant
I don’t ******* need an amulet, the power comes from pain
In a ripped up white dress running into the house of flames
And I don’t give a ****
The fire in my heart at war with fear
And it wins. (It’s gonna win.)
I’m wild and untamed
Riding hard... fighting for those who couldn’t fight
My only sin

I am like the winter deer
Quick.
Shoot me, honey
I’ll be reborn
Exhale beauty out of the sick

Black beauty
Horned heart
An army of men
But a woman.

I'm like the summer moth,
Drawn to the glow no matter the cost.
I dance in circles close to the flame
I know the risk.... I go just the same.
I like the light, I take the dare
And if I burn?
I don’t care
Maybe I was made to fly for awhile... not to stay
Even on my dying day....i'll let the cat out of the bag
and blaze my way

Feel the burn
of the hollow woman
I'll crush thorned roses in my hands
And I wont really mind the blood
as long as I was the keeper of beauty and truth
for awhile

I have a garden
It's my secret family
The flowers there...they all love each other
and I don't have to fight

herkimer heart
chipping away
and it leaves behind
a diamond dust that can only stay
A love that broke but never died
see, beauty comes from inside

His love kept me alive
It still lives in the ghosts in my spine
His love kept me alive...
And I still believe
it can save.
It can save.

beauty marks and a July 22nd long shimmery dress
Love was magic then a mess
I believed in him like snow and sun
I wore his moonlit love around my neck like gold
and then he was gone
and then he was gone

our hikes beneath celestial trails
Crystals you dropped in my hand.. told their own ancient fables and tales
His once steady steps through forest light
cast magic spells on me at night
His love kept me alive...
this i know

Love can make a wilted dead rose grow
see, love is magic

Do you know how much agony a poetess has to feel
to give birth to the words that need a life, so real
it twists inside of her like a medieval knife
when she faces head on the depth of her Jane of arc fight
She must withstand the cold
as she swims her way to the bottom of the ocean floor in her soul
where there live bones, stories untold
Pain is all I’ve ever known
I've lived in many glass and brick houses but never had a home
The raven watches me
I hold up my arm but it never flies to me
it doesn't need anyone, its in love with its shadow
Am I the black crow
But music, oh, my oldest friend
The one thing I've always had, no beginning no end
Summers scorch, but I survive
Im a caterpillar but i'll never learn to fly

I can taste the hollow as I wake
The air hangs heavy, my heart lives in a cage
An old house creaks with our agony and disdain
our souls took a beating from too much rain

His shadow haunts in dreamy dark light
Lost in dementias quiet  but detrimental fight

The songs are inside me but I'm hanging by a fragile thread
I now sing lullabies for the living and the dead
Heartbreak echoes through every room
In a house decaying toward its tomb

Paulie, my medicine man, never think you don't help
You were the one shooting star I could wish upon
the soul that wouldn't sell
the healing drum circle
inside of me
the Emerald
Thank you
Beautiful Medicine Man

Candlelight burning slow
Deep inside the heart of a woman
who has never had a home
The fire is her lover for the night
and she doesn't really mind the burn
nor he ache nor the fall
but it would be a lie to say
that in the morning light
she's not changed at all

For there were nights like enchanted plays
when she turned into Helena

See, the truth is
Love has tricked and tangled me
like jasmine vines beneath midsummer night trees
It made me a fool, it made me a queen
it made a song only I can sing

I do not regret the spells or the falls
I danced in illusions
but I walked out whole
I put out my own fire
cupped my hands around the flame
and smothered it
because my light was too loud
and someone once told me
I was too heavy
to carry home

Candlelight and love
they still call me through the oak trees
I’ll follow them barefoot
to burn again and again until
i dive back into the ocean

See, my sea queen heart is safer down there,
beneath cold water, in the oceans care
a place that has no quest, no fight
the ocean knows no warmth no light

I first pondered my own existence when I was just a girl
growing up in the mid to late 1990s of New York City
We lived in a small alley apartment
where the walls knew all my mothers secrets
my father exposed the brick wall underneath the plaster, a cool look before its time
ahead of his time he always was, but he couldn't reveal it all
his tongue was tied
and those linoleum floors held echoes of his singing voice
the one he buried when life pulled him too far from himself
imposed upon to hide

This was when women began having a voice
when the Spice Girls screamed power to the world
I'd walk to the street corner deli and get Spice Girls gum and lollipops
I looked like a little version of Posh everybody would say
A neighbor Cindy loved Hanson more than anybody in America
those boys sung of some kind of lively electric hope
this was when Titanic broke my heart
before I even knew what love was

Clintons name was said often
Monica was a shadow they threw stones at
and we were told who to blame
before I even knew what shame meant
Blue nail polish on my sisters nails
my uncle dying of stage 4 cancer
he wanted to spend his last days blasting his favorite music
this was when when I began to sing
and soon
a Patty Loveless twang was born into my throat
and the Rolling Stones blended into my blood
"To have you Back Again," playing in the car on the way to the hospital
The Tattoo you album I used to trace my fingers along
and study
now I do the same thing to my own heart and soul

NYC summers were spent intensely looking at flowers grow out of concrete
those pictures mom took of me outside on those plastic chairs
the Twin Towers were still touching the sky
the smell of roasting caramel vanilla cashew nuts
my Muslim friends
when innocence knew no end

Dinner at five
Walks to the bakery where Grandmas friend Franka
wrapped semolina in a napkin like treasure
We’d give our leftovers to Russel
the WWII vet with war still in his eyes,
and Krissie, his precious dog who knew
how to save a man without words

I played with Barbies
because my sister left me
not slammed door left
but drifted
somewhere sadness took her first

And Mom was there
but more shadow than mother
Checked out.
Anorexic.
Shrinking before my eyes
more ghost than woman
I recall being afraid of her

I was safest with Dad
and I wandered into his tool room
he lined up his screwdrivers like dolls
and I held the heavy metal in my small hands
solid like his love
if only he could tighten the world back into place

My cousin like the flame of a candle gone too fast
taken by something too cruel for a child to understand
The grown ups spoke in coded grief
their eyes red
their silences louder than screams
and I felt it
Grief had an empty seat at our dinner table

now I'd give all my dreams
and give up my home if I ever had one
and all I ever did know
to have those days back again
its not behind me
its the love that reminds me
I have not changed Patty

id stand in the rain and drown in the river of time
to have those days back again
oh 90's let me back into your arms

She's kept her secrets like pearls in the ocean deep
Sometimes I'd look at this hauntingly beautiful mermaid
and wonder what she dreams about when she sleeps
Is she swimming in her cold sea?
Does the water wash away the lies
beneath her feet?

Id like to think that she wishes for the beauty of a truth filled land
but I think she wakes with the salt still in her wounded hands
Maybe the summer really tries to make her bloom
But a cold heart can make it hard to take a stand

Oh, Eileen
I love you

A little birdie flew into my window as I cried about my life

It sang to me, "Little girl, youll be a Woman in no time... cause Two years out, on a blue skied day not one cloud, There's a strong willed lady driving a Chevy
and she'd finally freed
she's carried stories not all her own and she's missing some jewels in her crown
Cause secrets were passed down to her like breath and blood
and she had to plant seeds of truth
to turn it around
and shes gonna turn it around
Oh"

They built their walls but she fought their wars
Their pain became her starting place
and she had questions they ignored
so she had to search high and low for the answers
with an innocent broken doll face
but she somehow knows its gonna be okay

She doesnt know it yet but she's gonna drive and she's gonna steer
She'll take the reins and face the fear
Cause she speaks what no one else has the courage to say and only stands 5 foot 3 inches tall
Even if she sometimes falls, she knows good things come from pain
And its gonna be okay
Okay

Some days she feels it in her chest
The weight of things she never chose
she still dreams of something weightless
Of roots that hold her as she sleeps
and love that forever grows
Like a winding road

She doesnt know it yet but she's gonna drive and she's gonna steer
She'll take the reins and face the fear
Cause she speaks what noone wants to hear and only stands 5 foot 3 inches tall
Even if she sometimes falls, beauty is born out of the pain
And its gonna be okay

I’m not pretending it’s all light
But she's survived the darkest parts
And even when she shakes in the night
songs play inside of her heart
and she's gonna one day sing them
and its gonna be okay

She's gonna drive
She's gonna steer
and shes gonna be okay
Shes gonna fly

Shes gonna drive
Okay
Okay

Got to a point where not much scares me
Seen storms roll in since I was six months old
Now I’d run headfirst into the rain when it pours down hard
If love’s on the line I'll take the sickness and the pain
oh sweetheart
just try to rip me apart

cause i don’t flinch and I don’t fold
My body might drown but my soul stays bold
Try to get me, I’ll smile as I sink
If the truth goes down
I’ll be the missing chain in your link
I've already...
sent out messages in bottles
they'll be found

You must not know the weight I carry,
I got a warzone in my chest but I walk the line steady
I don’t need your permission
I Got fire in my blood and my own little militia

Heart of a Soldier
Mess with me, I fight to the end
I wont run and I wont hide
I learned not to break but to bend
I sing like a gypsy and I beat to my very own drum
Ill never come undone
For the ones I love I’ll lose it all
I'll Stand tall even if I fall

You must not know that
I ain't afraid of you
Yes YOU

William, Regina, Anne, Mary, Kevin, Juliette
John, Katie, Pete, Stephanie, Kimberly
Im the ship
you're the tools and I know how to use you
I Pulled out the card
of fools

I was Built from scars
From my grandmother running from bombs in world war 2
not silver spoons
I learned to howl at the blood red moon
Got ghosts in my hall that wanted to hurt me but I made them friends
my pain’s my armor it never pretends
it wins

Cross my line well then you better come correct
cause My love is deep and I don’t forget words you said
Cut me once I might forgive but If it's twice I’ll bleed your lies
and I'll tell the truth
This soul never lost her youth

You must know what is in my chest
Every heartbreak just makes me a little more blessed
Don’t need a crown, I'll use your manipulative tonic as an ingredient in my gin
see, a long time ago
I created my own religion
and I drink it all

Try to erase me, I dare you to try
I got angels on call and south american fire in my eye
This ain't for show, this ain't pretend
I’m the kind even your ugly souls would want beside you in the end
warrior princess I am..... through the smoke and tears
I'm Made up of heroine moments made up of  lots of survivin years
Won’t kneel down to you and I wont break
This heart’s too real for your lousy ****
for your fake

Heart of a soldier loud and proud
I speak my truth I shout it loud
For the ones I love, I’ll burn, I’ll fight
Even in the dark

Candle light cant even burn me
Sweethearts
Ill win

She used to play Angel on repeat
it was 1997 or 1998, I remember the tape.
the room was cold, just like in the song.
her body curled up in that greenish purple bed spread as she hysterically cried
if there was one word to describe the ambiance
Haunted
Sarah McLachlan’s voice
tried to lift her
but the weight never moved

She kicked everyone out of our small new york city apartment that day after a meltdown
but she told me I could stay
she was gentle with me and told me I could stay
but, she was only inviting me to a party of two
a tragic party of two
little girls should be laughing and playing
not witnessing a mother's total breakdown

She was broken even before my lifetime began
her oldest sisters brother was a bad man
His name was John and he walked free
Dad tried to carry the truth and he even fell to his knees
Dad was cut by every single thorned rose in the garden he married into
and he only had two bleeding hands
and way too ******* much to hold

I must have been 5 or 6 and I stood there in the corner
watching her weep
It scared me, she was my monster but she wasn't under the bed
she was hiding in it.
As I grew older, I'd know Angel by Sarah Mac by heart
it lived in me
I sang it well. but not because I wanted to
but because its blueprint, bones and dna had
used my heart like a storage unit
the song became antique to me
the song is my mother
and her unwillingness to free herself

She made the pain sacred to me
but not the truth.
She wrapped it in ointment and gauze.  
she forced me to watch her lock it away in a safe. she even gave me the key. looked back and watched me watch her put it away.
Every time I reached for the wound
she turned me into the problem.

She told me silence was safer.
she told me rage caused by ****** abuse
was betrayal
But I saw John in the silence
I saw him every time she looked away. when he eventually came for me.
I see him still.
abuse doesn't leave

When I started dancing to the firelight
that resides in my own soul
she tried to extinguish me with troubled waters
but my soul couldn't be sold so shed try to seep the truth from my veins
She became like the abusive boyfriend in the song "voices carry." by til tuesday
except she was my mother.
"Shush little baby don't you speak...shush little baby

Sorry Eileen
but you gave birth to a warrior princess
Winning is what I do best
and I will fight every dagger
with 11 of my own
and you know it
I'll come out stronger
than you
I'll fight the lie
with the true

I am not here to protect an abusers image
Angel still plays
somewhere in my mind
But now it sings for me

Your.....magic ability to harbor, to hide, to deflect
knows no endlessness
feels no endlessness

mom you should have held me in her arms
and had us fly away from John
I still love you always will
but mom you know no referee
and I do
and I'll never stop fighting

Unlike Kristen, I wont let the dark devour me
Unlike Eileen, I wont let sorrow seal my soul

Like Jenna, I will call it out

Im in a long term relationship with the Hands of Time
but, sometimes I don't want them touching my soul at night
Guess we been together, way too long
The 33 year old itch has now become a haunting song that I don't want to sing
I feel like I'm sitting in an old theater house, tearing as I watch old black and white films of a fallen queen and king

Seems these keepers of the hours don't know
that I dance with my ghosts of womans past
the tug of war inside, or the questions that I ask
Sometimes, it feels like they just left me behind
when she was alive
by the light house in Montawk in the summer of 99

I'm in a marriage, married to the Angel of Time
Sometimes I cant stand the sound of it's tick, it meets me with terror and fright
Im fooled after I fall for it's tricks, then soon after I fall sick
Seems these keepers of the hours don't care that
I try to hold onto my birthday balloons that dad got me, for as long as I can
But time won’t wait for no woman, they're deflating like the time that is slipping away
through my own hands
Everyday
I miss him when he was was alive
when wed take
our searching for the best Christmas lights treasure hunt drives

But then Time
it kind of stops 
when I need it the most
my heart is a clock
my heart is a clock
and the hands of time
they can be so ugly and cruel
but they're forgiving too
Like when you Fall in love
and 8 am takes forever to turn into the Am hours of 2
And you wonder
How did I extend the hours?
Maybe, magic lives in the hours
Maybe Time can be our
Power

Time it can kind of stop
when I feel like a squeezed out sponge and ***** old mop
my heart is a clock
my heart is a clock
and the hands of time
they can be so cool
but they're mean too

Like when suddenly
something that happened 20 years ago feels like todays news
And you wonder
How did I miss all the hours?
Maybe cruelty and thievery dance together in the hours
Maybe Time steals our power

my heart is a clock
Tick Tok
my heart is a clock, wishes for tomorrow
with every hour comes a little sorrow
my heart is a clock
tick tok
Il mio cuore e un orologio
e in ogni ora vive papa


Inside the clock
the hands don’t know how to live as one
they push and pull
in a wedding dance that’s never done
that's what friends are for
supposed to stay
but the hands of time will run

im still dancing to dads guitar riffs
my heart is a clock
it never forgot

I lay on my bedroom floor
I scratched my own soul like I got nine lives
I could take care of another itch but im hungry for more

how do I say it kind, I know you're a little sensitive and scruff
Im in heat, but not for you, you're not enough
Im in heat, but not for your cold touch, don't want your huff and puff
little boys just make me blue
but don't get me wrong
I really like you

I move like a cat
I see all with my glowing eyes even in pitch black
maybe I'm meant for disease
maybe its the streets that I need

I got a quick response, sometimes its all hissing and flaunting
I keep coming back I don't know how I'm still here, its daunting
I'm starving
for a mate sometimes,
and sometimes it hurts so bad I cry
after all, I'm just a woman
Just Feline


Im in heat, but not for lies
Im in heat, but not for you
In heat for something real and true
Little boys just make me blue
but don't get me wrong
I really like you
but I'm in heat and you're too cold for me
im in heat
for
some kind of belief

Once upon a time in a 2009 American land at war with fall and defeat
Daddy and me
survived a winter with no heat
the new york city frost cut through my jacket
the one I wore to fall asleep
cold blue basement walls sang a sad christmas melody of our uncalm silent night
But together we held on tight

and through the cold
the princess inside of me took hold
and she kept me safe and bold

Dianas mercy, Beauty Belle and her candelabras flame
I would hear them call out my name
Nicole, don't you throw
your roses on your grave, not today
There's more life for you on the way
So, stay

A lying throned lover and me, once built a castle but what was missing was Honesty and Love
His abuse cut through my silk robe that I wore as I climbed up to our royal bed
I was like a caged dove, I still tried to fly but to him it was never enough
 I was really awake when hed think I was fast asleep, tear from my cheek, tasting the bitter taste of my own **** ups and that was the real dread
by morning, I was trapped in his beastly arms cause he kept me sheltered and fed

and in the dark of night
the princess inside of me took flight
she gave me Joan of arc sight

Grace Kelly's elegance wrapped around my tethered soul
Nefertitis crown cast it's magic spell that my broken heart be whole
Mulan told me to love the brown eyed girl in the mirror
Cinderella whispered don't worry precious,
your good heart will one day bring your True prince nearer
Pocahontas painted me with all of her colors singing, you'll soon feel the wind of another
Their grace and power carried me through
A sacred strength forever true
They'd say Nicole don't go there's still this story untold
Ariel swam in my soul
and left me a message in a bottle
I know your're yearning to be part of something more  Girl but
maybe the world afterall isn't your oyster
but one thing for sure is you're a pearl
And There's more for you to see
So, breathe
undersea
and you will
one day be free

Diana's mercy, who would have thought
that my sister
after all these years
Loved me

Snow white and her seven friends singing hold on its almost the end
Rapunzel told me it's just fine to let down or if I ******* wanted to to cut off my hair, that I can descend down just on my own wing and a prayer
and my feet made it to the grass, the stones and rocks
See true beauty ain't defined by your locks
Red riding Hood, lost in the dark, her words of advice
the Forest in your heart is the real fight
the princess inside of me
Shes here and she sometimes bleeds
but she is
Alive in me

Dianas mercy, who would have thought
that my sister
after all these years
Loved me

My Blue Eyed Ghost

There was once a girl with the most beautiful blue eyes
the world had ever seen
She held me as a child, we were so happy
the picture of that moment is long gone, it was stolen
but I think the warmth of her hands from that day
still protects me
from cold new york winters

She was Juliette’s sister
but the truth was, she was mine and I was hers
we belonged to each other
in a way no one else heard

At Grandpas funeral dinner when the world turned cruel at that table
ugly hearts stabbed us both  like knives
I fled out of the restaurant.
And she ran after me
like a fierce November 18th candle flame.

We sat on a rock
She didn’t speak much, just put her head to mine.
She got addicted to the drugs
but no matter how lost she was
she always stood up for me
a warrior guarding my tiny heart
against the big bad wolves in the family.

Sometimes I dream she sits beside me still
on that same rock
and neither of us is broken.

She places a gumball in my hand
and says,
“This is yours to keep."

And I wake up
with blue in my eyes
But my heart is so broken, it feels like it was beaten
and found dead on the sidewalk.
Why did Jenna have to die

It doesn't bother me so much that you dont talk to me anymore
I prefer it to the screaming so a part of me let go
but your silence settled into my heart like a wishing well
deep in my soul
it sits and collects at the bottom
very alone.
its a dark place only you and I go.
the coins you tossed in there are tarnished and destroyed
they echo lost dreams
they are sunk in like your 1958 born cheeks
you look so weak
what happened

As a child,
You handed me a sparkler on the Fourth of July
you knew it burned me and I saw the guilt in your eyes
You'd swore you’d never hurt me again
But you’re burning me now

you were always afraid of money.
Youre a vagabond.  
You turned me into a gypsy since the day I was born without even asking
my permission.
I don't love you the way I used to.
you're not my hero.

Mirror mirror on the wall
They used to say I was the finest of them all
its funny cause now
I'm morning smudged mascara and shaking post caffeine hands
that play with smoke and fire cause I lost my chance

There’s a cigarette hanging off my lip
a family curse is like a never ending bad trip
If I light it, I know I'll lose
but what’s one more fall when you’re already
yesterday’s news
yesterdays news

Baby I'm Outdated
I live in another time and I don't meant to gloat
but think of me like
The wake of a boat
I think you're fine and I want you in my bed
to love and hold
but I never said I wasn't Jaded
So call me up at night and I'll fix you up
when you're dislocated, i'll snap you into place when you're feeling faded
But baby, im outdated
Im outdated
Im outdated

Mirror, mirror on the wall
They used to say I had the best ******* voice of them all
Now im drunk at noon tryin to cheat on you, to find a fling
My hands bleed as they strum broken guitar strings
There's a cigarette dangling in my heart
it's like a loaded gun
you see, a family curse
is damage done and it has me always on the run
If I light it I know i'll lose
What's one more fall when your'e already
yesterdays news
yesterdays news

Baby I'm Outdated
I live in another time, and I don't meant to gloat
but think of me like
The wake of a boat
I think you're fine and I want you in my bed
to love and hold
but I never said I wasn't Jaded
Call me up at night and I'll fix you up
when you're dislocated, i'll snap you into place when you're feeling faded
But baby, im outdated
Im outdated
Im outdated

I’m not current but I’m surely flowing
but baby im a tide that doesn't know where its going
Im a whisper in a world that's way too loud
Time lost me in 2006 but I was never found

Baby I’m a cigarette burn in an empty nightclub room
maybe all I want is the dark, the doom and gloom
Baby I'm Outdated
Baby, im outdated
Come to me when you're dislocated
Ill fix you up when you're faded
The Love I give to you it'll be real, it'll be now
but don't ask me to try to be whole because I don't know how
Baby im like cigarette smoke
I don't know how to speak, I choke
I live in a far away time
But I think you're fine
But
Baby im outdated
Outdated
Baby im outdated
Not the type to bring home to mother
I stutter
I'm not feeling the new worlds ways
I don't like it too much I got too much to say
Baby I'm outdated
Im out dated, if you push I'll play
Im out dated

Whistles while he works
A beautiful smile to hide the hurt
engines and steering wheels put him at ease
He's the root to my tree
Makes the pain look like art
Eagle eyes and a lions heart

Mama
Its not that I dont
see where you're coming from
I know it took a lot for you
to swim back up
Out of the deep glass of water you were drownin in
Must not have been so fun having
half empty as your cup

I think you know that life is fragile
so you'd rather not judge or be a part of any battles
it's easier for you accept the flaws and the wrongs
But, you should know
the weight you carried for so long
it was on my shoulders too
and I don’t how to do 
what you do
cause im a fighter
im a fighter
im a fighter
and I believe you gotta choose
good or bad win or lose
im impatient and I burn
maybe I resent what I've had to unlearn

Mama
maybe you're
better
so much better than than me
It took a lot for you to survive not to fall on your knees
and you built yourself around those who stole your innocence you and still stayed alive
Maybe you're my Hero
in this life

Mama
Its not that I dont
see where you're coming from
but I don't hang with the ones that burned me with the sun
infact I don't walk to them I run
maybe its easier
for you to stay in your cage
no map needed no long drives no need to gage


but you should know,
the weight you carried for so long
it was on my shoulders too
and I don’t know how to do
what you do
im a fighter
im a fighter
and I believe you gotta choose
good or bad, win or lose
im impatient I burn
maybe I resent what I've had to unlearn


Mama its not that I don't see
where you're coming from
but I’m no longer that girl you held so tight
in that picture Dad took in Boca’s sunlight in 94 or 95

Time moved me on and I grew kinda strong
Beneath my ribs, I got my own
my own lies, my own truths and haunting cries
and I got a view
one all my own
see I had to swim too out of troubled waters unknown
to you

Mama its not that I don't see
your strength
and the way you learned to be
one of eleven
musta been hard
to be individual to find who you are
and maybe who you found
is alright with me
maybe its alright with me

Mama, maybe you're alright with me
You're one woman and I'm another
In a vast big sea
Youre one woman swimming
and im another
in this vast big sea
and maybe, you're alright with me

There lives an hour glass in my heart
Captive to time, it haunts me hard
Ticking clock deep in my chest
Prisoner to what I detest

Come on, you can take it some more
Some more smile to fake the war

There lives a gate in my heart
Captive to its garden, it locks me in, every piece, every shard
Growing thorned roses way deep in this soul
Prisoner to what I don't know

Come on, it's just pain, take just a little more
Some more armor to fake your *******

I had a dream
I told you to meet me at the castle
where you can smell the Lilacs in the air
and the crickets sing without a care
and this one magical June night, you obliged
I told you I wanted to touch you, that I need a lover and you do too
I told you to put your hand upon my broken heart
under the moon, so blue
and you felt it beat, you felt it need you
You felt it scream
I bit my lip as you tore my clothes apart

Lost in the Lilacs, under your spell you under mine
I needed it for so long, waited til I belonged to you and you were mine
Ecstasy

I had a dream
I told you to meet me there
Spellbound Love Affair

I have a ship
I named her Jenna
She sails over troubled waters
Her compass was lost at sea
when she used to call herself Seduca
her purple hued blue eyes could turn people into stone
So now I might not make it home
the captain found release on the streets
in drugs painkillers and wine
took her out
from under her feet
no more treasures for her to find

Beneath me, the mermaid, part dream, part she, part me
Sings her songs of Florida ocean melodies
She tells me
"The water, it purifies the bad, even in the dark of night"
says  through all the storms you are to fight
don't forget that I'll be right there by your side

I have a map in my heart
I named it Mary
She sails over stormy seas
Her direction was lost in the ocean
when she used to call herself Jennas mother
her blue eyes could turn me into her north star
But now I might not make it, shes become much too black
the imposter stabbed me in the back

Beneath me, the mermaid, part dream, part she, part me
Sings her songs of Florida ocean melodies
She tells me
"The water it purifies the bad even in the dark of night"
says through all the storms you are to fight
don't forget that I'll be right there by your side"

If I were to feel
all the love I have for you
it would coil
and it would crush
me whole

It would wrap around me til I couldnt breathe
and take away my life
Like a snake to a bird of prey
I'd be for sure gone
I'd be history

So in some ways, its better that you stay away
back there in the cold
but I wonder does it hurt where you are
do you get hungry
do you feel sad
do you cry because you haven't gotten back what you once had
am I a disappointment to you Dad?

If I were to feel
all my fears of losing you
they would drown me
pull me under
the sea, oh I'd be history

So in some ways, Its better that you stay away
back there in the cold
but I wonder does it hurt where you are
do you get hungry
do you feel sad
do you cry because you haven't gotten back what you once had
am I a dissappointment to you Dad?

if I were to feel
all the Love I have for you
Id be history
Id be history
Id be history
Id be history

Who says love
always felt good?
Even beauty can hold you down
and it can claw through you
make you fall
sometimes I wish I didn't feel at all

Because if I were to feel
all the Love I have for you
id be History