my grandmother turned grapes into wine
barefoot in an Italian garden, she'd chant to the vines
her favorite was red, the color of roses and blood she said
I learned when I was young
that money wasn't the prize
I learned to see through my fathers eyes
he'd pull me outside to look up for awhile at orion's belt
its the most love I ever felt
this is how I came to be

moon blood woman, I change with the seasons
and every phase, I try to find the reasons
for the pain
moon blood woman, I let magic have its way with me
dancing with the darkness is how I find beauty
but the truth is, its easy for me to see, maybe im greedy

my favorite hour is midnight, in between two days, two fights
I am also Celtic, in my veins are trees and Irish moss
spells and stone circles, Ancient stories of loss
I learned when I was young to warm someone up if they were cold
give my shirt off my back, to be good, to be just a little bold
my mother told me a gift can be giving to someone in need
its the best thing that she gave me
this is how I came to see

I loved many times and two times felt a mans heat
Laid bare my heart in a summer passenger seat
sold my truth and mistakes and I was addicted to tangling up my hair
I Left my pieces everywhere

Part of me is a myth part of me is a golden mess
Im not clean anymore like I was when I wore my confirmation dress
Every shadow of myself that I see feels more like a sign
Of the sunlight I keep inside
or is it shame
dad says life's a game

moon blood woman
moon blood woman, I change with the seasons
and every phase, I try to find the reasons
for the pain
moon blood woman, I let magic have its way with me
kissing the darkness is how I find beauty
but the truth is, its easy for me to see, maybe im greedy

at fourteen, I thought of carving my pain
its sad that blood from a wrist can stain
I told a friend seeking light
but she turned ugly and shamed my fight
and then I found her years later
and she was just the same
cutting deep into my name
but I ain't here for shame

moon blood woman, I change with the seasons
and every phase, I try to find the reasons
for the pain
moon blood woman, I let magic have its way with me
sleeping with darkness is how I find beauty
but the truth is, its easy for me to see, maybe I'm greedy

He skips the candy, cant have no birthday cake
glucose, insulin, tries to regulate
He's got more rules than he deserves and it ain't fair
tells me I'm still pretty with my crooked bottom tooth and grey hair

He's got a laugh that feels like north carolina sun
his talk is light even when his day is a heavy one
his roof might leak when the clouds roll through
But he still asks, “Hey Nic how are you?”

and I don't know how he stays so kind
With all the problems and the **** on his mind
can’t touch sugar, not too much
But he’s sweet with every word and every now and then I crave his touch
he sends me his chill vibe music he makes for fun and it makes me feel whole

He’s sugar to me, sugar to my soul
Treats my heart like they did in the days of old
He's Sugar to my soul
Sugar to my soul
sugar to my soul
He's sugar
and I want the spikes

His family treats him like he's so small
But he stands almost 6 feet tall
He gives and gives to them and then gives some more
he washes their dishes when his feet are feeling sore

He talks like someone who still believes
Even though his illness, nowhere beat
He doesn’t ask me for sympathy
Just someone to see what he sees
and I see it
Oh I feel it
and he pours over me like honey

He's sugar to me
Sugar to my soul, treats my heart like they did in the days of old
sugar to my soul
He's sugar
and I want the spikes

He can’t eat sugar, not a lot
But he gives me all the sweet he’s got
And when the night feels dark and cold
He’s sugar, sugar to my soul
Yeah, he’s sugar to my soul, treats my heart like they did in the days of old
He's sugar to me
and I want the spikes

sugar to my soul
and it wont be too much for me
no sugar limit for me
he's sugar to my soul
Sugar, ohhhh
yeah
sugar to my soul
He's sooo sweet like in days of old
he's so sweet to me

Thirty-three,
You might as well call me Alice in wonderland
because I fall down rabbit holes in my mind
and time feels like it's slipping through my small hands
Maybe I'm just mad and maybe all the good ones are
Maybe its just that pain is never too far
and how much are we to bear
maybe the unmad ones are the ones that don't care

Sometimes I even descend into another land
this one is filled with a version of you
unhurt
unbroken
so I like to stay there
I lay under the trees and breathe in a crisp breath by the white pine trees
a forest where I'm free to believe in what I see

Am I fading?
Or is there more to lose
before I grow too big or too small
maybe I just don't want to choose
Because I feel it
Time.
It feels like a ghost every night haunting me and you

In the midnight hour, I'll lay with you
I'll be gentle, I'll be deep and I'll be true
I'll worship your skin and make love to your dreams
I'll give you everything womanly possible within me
and then I'll kiss your eyes as you fall asleep
I'll change my inhales and exhales to match your speed
and I may fall in love with your troubled waters
I'll let them swim in my soul, there they can find a bridge to stay under, to hide
safe they'll be from the world outside

but I may fall as time goes on
I may act like a child from dusk to dawn
I may even freeze, turn from water to ice queen
I may act like a fool, I may even fall to my knees
I sometimes don't know what it is to believe
the more you push I may pull away
the more you push I may pull away
I may pull away
I may pull


you see the reason I am this very way
is because a girl was lost before I came
nineteen years old caught in the burn of a lying loves flame
and all the light that I could have had was buried with her
and maybe for all her pain Ive always washed myself with rain
Storms seem to find me but I can never find her
I can never find her...

So I may break as time goes on
I  may say all the wrong words from dusk to dawn
I may even destroy you, make you feel blue but it wont be because I mean to
I may even act like a fool, I may even fall to my knees
I don't always know what to believe
the more you push I may pull away
the more you push I may pull away
I may pull

I had to take it on, her loss, her last cold blooded day
I was just a kid, caught in the wreckage of May
My family never was whole again
and all the love that I could have known was buried with them
maybe for all their pain, I've always washed myself with rain
Tragedy seems to find me, but I can never find them
I can never find them

So take it easy on me
I don't always know what it is to believe
the more you push I may pull
I may pull
the more you see, I might mess it up, I may run
I may make you regret being under my thumb
May 12ths for me ain't no fun

The more you push
I may pull
Baby I may pull
i may pull
(away from you)
pull pull pull
May broke my heart in 1992 before I even knew
Sometimes I may not know how to love you
I may pull
I may stay
I may be everything in Micheles place
but I will not take back
her last day in May

You are my candle
You light when I light you
Your haunting silhouette somehow still gives me comfort as I fall asleep
I dont go to sleep with dry eyes, as I lay there I weep

Once upon a time in a land so far away, your flame used to give me insight when you were once strong and bright
It burns me to watch your wax quickly drip down
I fear what my life will be when you're no longer around
I don't even think that I could survive
Hand to heart, that'll be the fight of my life
How will I light you when all I have is a wick
I sometimes just ask for the pain to be quick

It doesn't matter if I sleep wearing a Crown
My real treasures are herkimer diamonds you gave me, or the love bracelet you found
and drives we took to see Christmas lights
When I knew you were tired but you saw I was dying and wanted to give me Life
You knew the magic was worth every mile
It did what you wanted it to, It kept me going for awhile

Time has broken my heart
and I can feel you flee
But still I sleep with the knowingness
That you love me Eternally

Once upon a time in a land just last night,
I wished all by myself, just me and the candlelight
To give you more time because I need you so
Dad, I don't have the tools I need to build a house all on my own
If I just have to light you enough to keep you burning slow
Ill do that, Im trying so hard to break the spell, I don't want anymore darkness to grow

You are my candle
You burn in my heart
You are the only one whose tears could extinguish
the fire in me that starts
I need you
Without you, I'll sleep in the Dark
Without you, there's no warmth in my soul
Not even a spark

Before you hold me, please understand
I am the daughter
of an Italian and Latin mixed man
whose dark skin did not sit easy
in a white bred world
he wasn't liked for the scars on his hands
or for his off the beaten path ideas and plans
Not a man of suit a tie, rather of heart, strength and internal fight
A man whose father never loved him
And so he learned how to taste pain, even down to the nerves under his teeth
until even agony
couldn't even make him seethe.

Before you guide me, please understand
My first Love was Him, a dad daughter bond in its very own special box
Don't even bother looking inside, it's Locked
And Even when you see the wrong he’s done
I don’t want to hear a single one

Before you hold me, please understand
I am the daughter
of an Irish girl from a large Catholic clan
who was never taught to fight
Instead she would vanish in the night
to survive by silence
to bury the truth so deep
that it forgot how to beat inside of her,  how to slay
She never wanted me to be a fighter
But I became one anyway

Before you hold me, please deeply know
my sister’s love was slow to show
She was for a long time sick, and I was small
and she barely even acknowledged me at all
So I learned how
to be sort of an only child
I didn’t cry much
just waited,
hoping one day,
shed love me
without me having to speak
but in the end,  I wound up jaded

Before you hold me, please understand
There are pieces of me
you will never find and I don't want you to.
not because I hide them,
but because they were taken,
Left behind,
or broken beyond even any kind of recognition

Before you hold me, Please understand
I do not want to solved,  like a rain drop felt in the palm of a hand
I am not a riddle
not a broken "thing" you can pick off the street and
and attempt to  fix into your version of "normal."
love is not a project
and I will never have a blue print to give you

Before you hold me, Please understand
I don't like to bluff, the cards Ive been dealt have alone been enough
If you need someone whole
someone uncomplicated..then Im not the Queen in your game
But if you can sit
in the stillness of what’s left of me
You might not lose but gain

Before you hold me, please understand
What's included with me is stories
of building shelter from wreckage
I wake and sleep with a heart that has known a million different homes
and these homes have all been stolen from me, condemned
but they all live in me like old forgotten friends

Before you hold me, know this part of my life
I am a singer
before a girlfriend, a lover, or wife
My voice was my stronghold
my shelter, my start
the sound that stitched
the wounds in my heart.

Before you hold me and study my skin,
There lives a scar on the inside of my knee
I was ten, I almost died
A freak accident I can’t hide
Playing Basketball, a piece of window frame steel,
A cut so deep, never to heal

Before you hold me, please understand
I do not come untouched
but I come real
And the thing about a broken woman is that when she Loves,
its with every single thing she feels

Sometimes I feel
like a wilted dead rose
and Deep within my bleeding thorned heart
I wish to be brought back to full bloom
But some things my dear dont come back from gloom

Daddy once wrote a poem in his youth,
called "A Mirror Lies",
and for it, he won a prize.

He whispered to the glass with wonder so deep,
“Can mirrors show the secrets we keep?
Can they reveal what’s deep inside
my broken heart I fight to hide?”

I think to myself
"The ocean is a mirror to the moon’s soft plea"
And his eyes the color of a blue green sea
Desired to see beyond his dreams
To find the truths, to question what most believed

He never judged by face or skin,
But rather for souls within
The mirror knows, as tales unfold,
That beauty’s heart is kind yet bold.

And I had a dear friend, a testament to this
Her last mirror was the waters underneath a bridge
If only the water had reflected true,
Maybe she’d have seen her bright light breaking through.

The glass may shimmer, the glass may gleam,
But not all is as it may seem.
The mirror asks, heard by all
“Who’s the fairest of them all?”

A question old as time and tale,
Where truth and myth entwine and sail.
Maybe my eyes see as theirs did too,
I too was enchanted by the poison apples red hue

Maybe none of us are truly fair,
Our problems and tragedies more times than not cloud the air
Distorting what the glass reveals
Hiding what the heart conceals.

So here I stand, before my own glass,
Wondering what truths through my mirror pass.
Is this the woman I’m truly seeing
Or a shadow shaped by silent grieving?

Dad’s love beats deep within my chest,
A light that never lets me rest.
And Lael’s song lives in the waters deep
my special memories of her that the New York currents keep

California rain
Wash me clean of these memories
I was once a girl, lost inside a sad teenage dream
Back when I lived among the redwood trees

I lost my innocence to him
Not with love, but with pain and petty
my first wasn’t at all gentle
A door closed before I was ready

He held me close, then soon clenched his fist
walking the line caused it all to contort and twist
My Bruises were hidden, silent hotel room cries
Nobody knew what was really beneath my brown eyes

He said, “You’re no goddess to me,”
and threw me to the floor
When I ripped his painting apart
My small, fierce payback
For all the abuse in my heart.
He left me alone on New Year’s Eve
No kiss, no warmth, no reprieve.
Love shouldn’t feel like that.
But it did to me.

it wasn't just him that brought me pain
his family was dark, and played his same kind of game
They drowned me deep in smoky haze one night
Then laughed and shamed me in the morning light
I felt the shame, a heavy weight,
Knowing then I was in the wrong place
A battered soul wandering through a haunted space
Searching for light but I couldn't find one trace

Then came the time he stole from me
That ring of turquoise and he did it silently
The one thing I brought there, that held my truth
Now vanished, like my fading youth.
I’ve never seen it since that day,
Just like the part of me he broke away.
But I remember how it used to shine
Bright like the hope I thought was mine.
It’s probably tarnished now, deep in a river,
Lost forever.
And even now,
I feel that cold night shiver.

I was eighteen and still believed
That people meant what they said,
That bodies were safe in someone else's hands
I had not even an inkling that Love could just be pretend

I remember California grapes,
The soil in my hands, the open land.
The parts of the world that didn’t ask
Too much of me, but there was much I didn't understand
Back when I still had wings.

I can hear The rustle of the branches
The sound of West Coast dusk
Back then I didn't know how fast
A girl can turn to dust.

I had guts to go.
I didn’t know to guard my light.
Or that he wasn’t love
Just harm disguised as something right.

He was the first.
And it shouldn’t have been that way.
But it was.
Love shouldn’t hurt.
But it did.
Those days.

Before I left, his mother said,
“Promise me you’ll live this life strong.”
I said the words, I heard the hollow sound of my weak voice
But even then, I knew somehow
That promise was really meant for me

She'll never know I had the heart of a poet,
That every word she spoke, I’d never forget it.
The joke was on her, though she expected I’d fall
I held those words close, I remember them all.

The promise wasn’t for her,
She was too cold like Northern California mountain air.
That vow was meant for the gypsy that remains
And she can still taste and feel that California rain.

the Redwoods still stand
And so does she