mom says
i’m the best person she knows.
i smile.
i’m good at pretending.

she says i’m kind,
but i know when it’s a performance.
she says i’m gifted,
but it feels like a trick
i’m barely pulling off.

my sax squeaks,
my test scores blur,
my muscles ache in the water.
and still she calls it talent.

i nod along,
quiet and guilty.

if i’m so good,
why do i always
feel like a lie?

baby,
when i say i love you
i’m half-asleep
and whole in it.

you’re the reason
i don’t need
a wind-down.

i close my eyes
and fall
into you.

i slide the blade
s l o w l y
across my pale, soft skin.
it burns,
i don’t smile.
but it’s satisfying to watch
the blood pool in beads.
it hurts.
but it doesn’t hurt as much
as the pain i caused you today.
so i do it again.

looking out my window at night
watching the snowflakes fall like frozen tears
wiped away from a crying face

i walked outside to catch snowflakes in my mouth
happy for the first time in while
smiling- a real one this time
not just a fake upturned mouth

rushing inside to tell my sister
seeing my mom smiling
seeing my dad sleeping
i love being happy
i wish
i was happy every day