A birthday gift! I put a lesbian in a box & nailed it shut for you. For me? You're so nice. I know. I drilled air-holes in the side so the lesbian wouldn't suffocate. You are so wise. This is a wonderfully-thoughtful gift for any lesbian.

Young Nig Termite held back laughter as his bride Gloria Cronkite unhitched 3 horses from the coach. "There Nig, I hope you're happy now. I nearly perforated my ***** reaching up so high," she whined. "That'll make things easier for me tonight in our marital bed: just you, me and 2 hobos," Nig replied. "Two hobos?" Gloria questioned. "Why two?" Nig thought a moment: "Because we agreed two was plenty."

“We need 5 tons of manure!” Kyle X. Manure informed his brother
Mark. “5 tons?!” Mark groaned, as he strained with all his might to
push out the biggest **** in the history of pushing out big turds just
to please Kyle who was on a nearby toilet eating a huge hamburger.

Here's the ticket for my Tour D vacation cruise to Europe. Hey, you've been bumped up to Tour E. Does Tour E include a room *****? Of course. Look. What? It says Maury Povich. I know. The staff always does that. It should say Tour E *** ***** but they think it's funny to put Maury Povich. Oh, I get it.

“What's for supper?” I asked my mommy who often provided food.
“Garbage! Mounds of it!” She duly replied not even remotely rude.
“Holy Moses!” I moaned havin' recently had useless surgery again.
“Shut your cake hole!” Barked she harshly like Barbie does to Ken.

Song by Hazel O'Connor

Hey you, standing there, what you got to stare at?
I'm not shy if your beady little eyes abuse me like some mishap
Cackling laughter behind your hand, you're so funny, you're so bland
Here's the thing you can't understand: You are just a programme
You're a programme, you're a programme
(Programme, programme, programme, programme)
Give me an inch, and I'll take me a mile
Give me the distance from your supercilious smile
Give me an inch, and I'll take me a mile
Give me the distance from your supercilious smile
Your silliest smile
Hey you, standing there, better get some clothes on
Do as you're told, growing old, and read your daily poison
Skeletons locked in the closeted mind, locked in tight, for no one to find
See the blind, lead the blind, gotta be cruel to be kind
Who is mind-blind, who is mind-blind
(Mind-blind, mind-blind, mind-blind, mind-blind)
Give me an inch, and I'll take me a mile
Give me the distance from your supercilious smile
Give me an inch, and I'll take me a mile
Give me the distance from your supercilious smile
Your silliest smile
You are a programme, you are a programme
Give me an inch, and I'll take me a mile
Give me the distance from your supercilious smile
Give me an inch, and I'll take me a mile
Give me the distance from your supercilious smile
Your silliest smile
Give me an inch, and I'll take me a mile
Give me the distance from your supercilious smile
Give me an inch, and I'll take me a mile
Give me the distance from your supercilious smile
Your silliest smile

Song writer: Hazel O'Connor
"Give Me an Inch" lyrics © BMG Rights Management,
Universal Music Publishing Group

Together we experienced so much happiness on our trips to Scranton to see the Joe Biden Museum where dreams come true. You were so funny when you imitated old Joe. I almost skipped the last trip because I had diarrhea.

Wiener King & Muzzle Man died today in a vat of butter at the butter dairy where Maria Hopkins lived under her desk in office six. Nobody with an ounce of oleo could've shaved either of them 'cause their beards were tangled. Love's one thing, not the only thing.

to anyone who wants it. This is no ordinary dog mat. This one is autographed by Jay Leno and Tito Jackson with big hand-drawn red hearts on it and a smiley face that looks like Tito. I'm giving it away because I've become lame in my left leg. I'm having a doctor look at it in 3 weeks so I can't keep the dog mat. My uncle says that he would watch the mat for me till I'm able to walk normally again but I told him to ******* so that's that. Anyway, the dog mat's pretty nice and if you take it within the next 45 minutes I'll throw in a magazine with 3 ex-lesbians on the cover.