𝗣𝘰𝘭𝘢 𝗕𝗲𝗿𝗹𝗶𝗻𝘴𝘬𝘺

𝗣𝘰𝘭𝘢 𝗕𝗲𝗿𝗹𝗶𝗻𝘴𝘬𝘺 Dec 6

In high school I nearly killed the janitor when I mistakenly punched him in the throat, thinking he was a math teacher.

𝗣𝘰𝘭𝘢 𝗕𝗲𝗿𝗹𝗶𝗻𝘴𝘬𝘺 Dec 5

Granny left me
more money
than you be-
cause she loved
me a lot, that
much is true.
Mama left me
big money, 300
million more than
she left you, be-
cause she loved
me like crazy, we
both know that
it's true

𝗣𝘰𝘭𝘢 𝗕𝗲𝗿𝗹𝗶𝗻𝘴𝘬𝘺 Dec 5

7 years ago my parents were eaten by Pygmy cannibals and I have never forgotten it. -- Hace 7 años mis padres fueron devorados por caníbales pigmeos y nunca lo he olvidado.

𝗣𝘰𝘭𝘢 𝗕𝗲𝗿𝗹𝗶𝗻𝘴𝘬𝘺 Dec 5

"Naked Gun 33⅓: The Final Insult" (1994) -- Frank Drebin: “I like my *** the way I play basketball, one on one with as little dribbling as possible.”

𝗣𝘰𝘭𝘢 𝗕𝗲𝗿𝗹𝗶𝗻𝘴𝘬𝘺 Dec 5

Steal a deck of cartoon cards and become a self-anointed genius!

𝗣𝘰𝘭𝘢 𝗕𝗲𝗿𝗹𝗶𝗻𝘴𝘬𝘺 Dec 4

In a bowling alley a few years ago I found a wallet that was full of money, just not enough money to open a bowling alley across the street to drive the ******* who own this bowling alley out of business.

𝗣𝘰𝘭𝘢 𝗕𝗲𝗿𝗹𝗶𝗻𝘴𝘬𝘺 Dec 4

???

Gee Dan! Your groin is awfully thick today! What's your secret?! Webco's Groin-Thickener Paste! Lubricate your groin with this stuff and pagan women will be all over you like stink on ****! Is it really that effective? I'll say! 2 weeks ago my groin was thin, due to old age, and I was depressed about it, then my mail man offered me a sample tube of Webco's paste and he even applied it to my groin for me. Now, look! Thicker than buck teeth in a Japanese general's mouth! Wow! May I apply the paste to you groin? Sure. Go ahead. Let me remove these underpants.