Don't give yourself
Credit for yourself
It's everyone else.
Don't go to near to the edge
You'll fall off the shelf.

Never turn your back on love
The ******'s just not to be trusted.

He was sick of his religion
He'd developed apostate cancer.

In Hollywood
Gas masks work forever
And in the worst conditions imaginable
In reality I bet they're a bit ****
It just doesn't seem that tangible.

Stolen ponies found abandoned
Clearly far too much to handle
For the fool who thought it wise
To take this horseflesh as his prize
Perhaps a blind impulse rob
Maybe a drunken bet gone wrong
But when resason or sobriety hit
He let them loose
And did a flit.

I've heard there is a bus stop
On the old Kent road
On the roof o which
A VHS o Hellraiser
Was thrown

Someone saw it
And took a picture
And soon a community was formed
And more copies
The elements endured

Rain and frost and then thaw

A classic piece of art
Wether meant or not
You got to give to the cockneys
Some o them ain't *****.

Like Bill Murray at the end of Scrooged
I'm overcome with emotion
And it's not just the *****
Unfettered sentimentality
Swiftly accrued
As I roll round in mawkishness
That I consume like food
Pining for that which I let die
And would again
To myself I just lie
I wouldn't know the truth
I'm an alien to it
Like some bastardised reverse ******* Jimmy Stewart.

Scrooge would be just about clocking off now,the **** piece.
But at least he led by example.

I think therefore I am
I'm pink therefore I'm spam
These are some one else's words
I'm just a piece o ham.

Poly tunnel kingdoms
In uneasy truce
Glower across the divide
First hovering kestrel
Then circling crow
Waiting for something
To die

The earthworms are frightened
The hares on the run
Avoiding beak and claw
Hemmed in by the tarmac
And rumbling doom
Breaking all natural law

The badgers are lucky
At night they are free
To cross with out
Auto harassing
And think themselves god's
Immune to all death
Till the farmer
Gives them a gassing.

I knew a man called trvevour
Way back then through the mist
I know
yet it's so hard to convince
The people who say that
Trevour exists
Is a complete fantasy
My *******
They twist

We went down to London
We went on the train
And stared out in wonder
At cold hearted distain
Adrift in the maelstrom
They all seemed so calm
But to dwell in the big smoke
Just seemed like self harm
So we aimed ourselves north
And we sat in the pool
We let its sweet waters
Rinse fix and cool
Now we'll stay here forever
And you'll have my heart
They'd need a mighty mongol horde
Just to keep us apart.

In the immortal words o  the late great Jonny Mathias
Oh ** oh oh oh ** oh ** oh **
Oh ** ** oh ** oh oh ** oh **
Oh ** ** ** **
Oh ** ** oh
Oh ** oh **
Oh oh ** oh **.

Chastened prince who once refused the crown
Although the people knew he ruled
Scintillated in a tall place
Somehow less crude
Than he used to be
Made no odds really
On the vital tunes
All allusion fell away
As excellence accrued
Frozen in the presence of the rare
It felt rude to be
Outside o the self.

Ginny watched over me
When I wasn't very well
Something wasn't right to her
I was oozing a strange smell
As I lay upon the carpet
She licked my swollen head
As if her simple presence
Could stop me going dead

A self imposed Near death experience
Stupidity defined
***** hematoma
Had left me near half  blind
And
Bouncing down concrete embankments
Leaves all sense behind

Ginny is gone now
To where all good doggies go
After twisting round this mortal coil
About a decade or so
She's allowed on St agnes beach these days
All the year around
The terns and the kittiwakes
Tremble at the sound
And as she charges at them
Into the air they soar
Now Ginny chases seabirds forever down the shore.

A drunk goes into a chippy and says
"I'll have a portion o chips and a steak and kidely pie."
The worker says
"You mean steak and kidney pie don't you?"
The lush replies
" That's what I said ****** I ?"

We all die alone
Unless someone dies with you
The path that you travel is always within you
So we all **** and moan bout what life has turned into
We all die alone.

Him.
                                                            ­                   Hit
                                                             ­      Need to
                                                              ­   No
                                              Branches felt
                                      But the
                           Ugly tree
                       The
                   Up
He climbed

I'm nobody's dog
But there's this family
Who feed me.

Christmas Eve probably 1978
The sweet smell o roasting turkey
From the back kitchen emenates
Albert Finney's Scrooge on the box
The grate hung with three socks
The tree smelling the way
The trees used to smell
Sugared glacier fruits
Banana toffee
Turkish delght
Tangerine
Apple
Pointless vitamins
In the torrent
O *****
Then Jimmy came home
Comedic drunk
Rolled round on the carpet
Spouted his usual  funk
Then crawled up the stairs
And collapsed on the bed
On Christmas morn he thought
That he'd already
Been here
Deja vu
The spirit o Chrimbo
Can make you feel queer.

Your average life will last 72 years
864 months of blood sweat and tears

That complete existence
Will move but one degree
Just 359 more
Then the cycle is complete

Equinoctial precession
Wobbles ever on
Unending celestial journey
Drags us all along

From pole star to pole star
Each house has its time in the sun
12 times over 2000 years
Aquarius about to become
The one that hovers over
Up above our heads for life
Recording the worlds horrors
Its beauty and its strife

As we wave goodbye to Pisces
And turn with renewed care
We know our 3 score and 12
Is just a day
In the Great Year.




25,920 years is the length o the track
So stand here ******* long enough
you'll catch yourself coming back.

Steven Spielberg called
And offered me and my identical twin brother a job
It was on his hatchery
We'd be monitoring
The defacatory habits
Of the livestock
We were to be
Close Hen Counters Of the **** Kind.

They eat well
For awhile
But they always
Get put down.

When someone looked at you
And was compelled to smile
When the journey was blissful
Neither counted the miles
With warmth without edge
And peace within reach
When puppies gambolled  
At your feet On the beach
When you returned home
To comfort and food
When you fed off of each other
When connectivity accrued
When you both were anchored
Moored solid in love
When it would last forever
Decreed from above.

The 25th o may 1977
About as close as it gets to a kid who is seven
It was the first
Not the last
Of the feeling
That you get to call glory
To the ones
Who feel proudly
Not to call them selves Tory
Miner's strike
Tebbits bike
And yet
Where are we now?
You get called what you not
Cos that's what these frauds will allow.

There's always bin the idea
O two sets o books
Ever since books were invented
A curious process in which we all are involved
It's what keeps us from going demented

One set the truth
That unravels unheeded unseen perhaps
By those around who look on
The other your truth
Somewhat tailored but blurred
Of what you thought
You'd become

Cos the moral compass has no external dial
To ink on your page no one listens
So You can write down the details
However you like
Talk about a double entry system.

These ******* aren't fooling me,
I'm gonna start calling Marathons Snickers!

I'm like John winston
On the brandy alexanders
Your gonna have to deal with me
This nitrogen it seems
Puts such pressure on my eyeballs
That I can hardly see
So l plummet on down past where I should
Just to stare blindly in the sea
Sudden earhquake
Massive landslide
And that
Is the end o me.

"I like rice,it's great when you're hungry and you want two thousand of something."

Gone but not forgotten.

Baldy cat gets on a bus
The drivers says
"Where's yer fare?"

That dog that climbed to the top o the great pyramid
Had more than a touch o the jackel
Panting ,looking down ,481 feet off the ground
People aghast at how it could happen

He's a dog! I opine
So just keep in mind
That's what some brave doggies do
He's not got our fear
He just wants to bound clear
O the earth
And our human to-do

There's ancient peace up there
He projects back through the years
To be with his full blooded ancestors
Stood at once near the peak
***** his leg for a leak
At ease with his familial protectors.

What does a priest keep in his allotment shed?

Lettuce spray.

Some people talk about what we've done to nature
And how it will have its revenge
Then how come I've just seen a crow
Struggling with a gull
Over a chunk o pepperami?

Why is there something
Rather than nothing?
Followed swiftly by
What is there
And what's it like?
The sound of one hand clapping
And does a fish really need a bike?
The silence of falling forest trees
Two sets o footprints become one
An old lady and a serpent
A prodigal has his fun
Cast thy bread upon the water
And then times that by ten
Don't be counting them
Precognitive chickens now
Like some optimistic hen.

Drukenactivity
There I just made up an new word
I know you don't agree with me
But that just makes you sound absurd
Cos the activity o the drunk
And the productivity
They sow
Makes you the biggest
***** that
I have ever known.

Round where I live
On a road called Dovedale
There's a double run o trees
On both sides o the lane
Early nineties
The council
Aggressively pruned
Right back to the stubs
Which the branches preclude
They bulbous forms twist
But not very far
The beatle fans from Penny Lane
Drop many a jaw
But I'm used to their
Unsettling visage
They look science fiction
Ancient and yet
Not that diminished
Like they'd bin there
More than they
Eighty odd years
But no one saw em
Till the need  came near.

Is that a **** or ***** stain on my carpet?
I really can not tell
I've got no idea how it got there
I'm not feeling very well.

When all is lost
Or just misplaced
It's time to panic
Your family disgraced
It's time to **** your pants and run
Edgey malaise  no longer fun
You thought it cool
Lurking near the edge
Strong winds wrapped  your trousers round your legs
Felt the tremor at the cliff's thin lip
Saw it might crack
Backed off right quick
Your tyres bald
Head getting there
There's little grip
Down there
Or up here
So when truth is hard
Become a liar
Let's roll round together
Like animals on fire.

With faith in our souls
We skip toward the light
Singing blithely together
Songs of truth
And joy
And *****

To the left stand
The illiberal
To the right
The funny men
Both will badger
And deride you
Herd you to their
Favoured pen

And them that have **** eyes
Will ask why you seem so shook
Then you will have to explain yourself
To a dog shown a card trick look

We wait for the dead at Christmas
When they bin waitin for us all year
Once only every twelve months
Comes this kind of cheer.

Norm McDonald's moth
Dave Allen's clock
There's some comedy bits
That are just off the hook
Mitch Hedberg's rice
Bill hick's wax dart
Norm again with
Janice in the woods
It's an art
To encapsulate
Pathos bathos
And litotes
Like that
with
Absurdism bubbling
It's an Hell o an act.

Around 70,000BC it is said
We were on the edge
Already depleted population
Was just about **** near spent
Talking here about modern humans
Not our antecedents and such
Who had tiptoed the edge o the abyss
Not once,not twice,but much

Toba supervolcano they say
Spread fire and ash and doom
And roofed over the world enough
To seal in choking gloom
Some say it killed all but ten thousand
Some say even less than that
Some say we were down
To forty breeding pairs!
Now what you think of that?

So near the void
So near destroyed
Before we learned to write
Almost no Sumerians
And those who lit the light
No pyramids
No moonlanding
No songs of love and hate
Imagine not being here
The
Earth
You
Did
Not
Create.

When McCartney goes
The seas will boil
Everest will crumble
The crops will spoil
Immovable objects
Will get shunted aside
Unstoppable forces
Will have the brakes applied
When McCartney shuffles off
Every dog will cry
The tortoises
Will all pull in their heads/legs/tails and die
When McMartney joins the choir
The world will feel a chill
Sadness on Penny Lane
The fool has left the hill
When McCartney throws a six
There will be a global tremor
But take comfort in the fact
Ringo will live forever

I have a lot of difficulty with physical intimacy
A friend suggested a book called how to hug
Turns out it was the fifth volume
Of the expanded Oxford English Dictionary.

Any moment now
A light will descend
Better take some with you baby
Around the bend

It comes and goes
To them that really want it
I tell myself,I'm not one of those
Only time will tell
If I'm not telling the truth
I don't know myself
Well,how about you?

When left is right
It's left to better men than me
To chase the light around the bend

All those nights I just dallied in vain
All those nights I lay twisted with shame
Time is leaking completely unchecked
Time to cut your self free from this wreck
Time to digest and quickly move on
Time takes the **** out of us all.

Why was Scrooge so god ****** special?
Where was Jacob's chance at heaven?

Cos it lives in your veins
And it crawls on your skin
It aches in your bones
Like some fell vitamin
And it alters your thoughts
It empties your bank
It drags to the light
All the things that you lack
It scatters your friends
They got their own trouble
tryin to deal with their own Jones
Here it comes! On the double

So you ask the question now dawning
Is the high in the night
Worth the cough in the morning?

You can't have any pudding
If you don't eat your meat!
HOW CAN YOU HAVE ANY PUDDING
IF YOU DONT EAT YOUR MEAT?!?!?!?!!!!!!!

It's about an hour and ten in
Depending on the ads
When he's in the map room
Calculating where to dig
If you blink you will miss it
But it's deffo there
A classic ****
Defined and then
Rubbed right out o there.

They demolished the place in 1909
Once they'd extracted
That what could not be left behind
14  works got transferred
Pulled off plaster
And put in a new position
To avoid the disaster
Put on canvas in the most
Painstaking way
And then cast To the Prado
So they were displayed
In a way that would seem
Funny and *****
To a deaf old lunatic
Who worked alone
By candlelight.

Hello how you doin where you bin what you doin when was the last time I saw you how's it bin where you bin how'd it go when did we last talk about life what's over there do you care what's the point where you spending the Christmas can you believe the strabismus of this ***** version o where we should be she  ovs not happy on this side o the ***** but why can't she just leave us alone?