Lobbing grenades
Off of the summit o Everest
Trying to bomb the *******
Just Like Kenny Everett
But the fuse is too short
They just burst in the air
He  don't live at the peak
He's somewhere down there

Milney has been planning
This Trek for years
Like some frozen Ahab
Blind to the cares
Of family and friends
Who deny his obsession
Deeply frightened by his souls possession

He teamed up
With a crack squad
Of hard Buddhist monks
Who will joyfully participate
In killing the ****
For centuries now he has murdered their kin
They will end  what the beast did begin

For these priests know how to swing a sword
You might have seen them treading the boards
At you local theatre
But this is real
They will end this monster
And his skin they will peel
Off of his bones
And his carcass they'll stuff
To display at the inn
So we'll know soon enough
If milne was successful
All ****** and sweaty
As he asks at the bar
ARE YOU OPEN YETI?

In killarney and Tralee
It was made quite plain to me
That the blood of the land
Flows through every gland

I don't  think you understand
The power that flows through your hands
So put on your gauntlets
And sit on your paws
Before you way laste
To this land.

Are you the author of your own thoughts?


Of course I am I retort


Are you sure they don't come from somewhere else?


Your seriously messing with my mental health


Why would that be I'm just asking questions?


Your saying my essence comes from another dimension


No I'm not I just really want to know
From which is the point from where ourselves grow.

Will you sing at my funeral
Will you dance at my wedding
Laugh at my jokes
Always pretending
That the past isn't coming
The future descending
Down to a place
That starts at our ending
We'll always be here
And at every point too
If time's a flat circle
I want to spend it with you.

Things fall off
Cos things get loose
I've lost my screwdriver
I know that's no excuse
You can feel the vibration
Before you hear the sound
Once the bolt hits the floor it can never be found.
Rattling
Shattering
You stupid *******.

It's that day today
When evil mystery waits to strike
And nothing happens.

Laughter is involuntary
A knee **** so they say
Nexus to and exit from
The darkness
Way hey hey

What are you laughing at?
I don't find that funny
I am appalled
And your in stitches
To me that makes you scummy

Giggling or not at the horror
Wether Death,disease or blight
is something instantaneous
Neither wrong or right
Then weigh and mull it later
At your leisure through the night

We've got the Greeks
To thank for that
Formulating our condition
To laugh or frown
Or roll your eyes
Is not your own decision.

The boy stood on the burning deck
His legs were all a-quiver
He gave a cough
His leg fell off
And floated down the river.




Saturday night 70's telly.

The moai faced inland
Away from the sea
Ghosts of dead leaders
Born from deities you see

Hewn from volcanic tuff
Soft no doubt
Compared to basalt or diorite
Which Are ******* to dig out

If they had only turned the other way
They might have seen disaster coming
Dutch killers on Easter morn
Peruvian slavers
Had them running

But it is a small island
And there was no tree cover
They cut them down so long ago
So they could grow some tucker

European disease
South American ******
Cut the population down low
As a couple o hundred years rolled by
And crops refused to grow

So the god's where cast down
Face down on the ground
Venerated protectors brought low
The people despaired
Beyond all hope and care
A paradise with no seeds to sow

Then the pickings were slim
Raiders had no one to ****
So they left them alone to their plight
But the moai are back on their feet now
Resurrected
As a world heritage site.

Ten years ago today
Jimmy and Sandra
Celebrated their
49th anniversary
They never got a 50th
Eight days later
Jimmy shuffled off
Sandra missed him going by ten minutes
It creases me still.

Cast thy bread upon the waters
And It will be returned ten fold
But what are you supposed to do
With ten soggy loaves?

I'm told I didn't cry when I was born
The midwife had to give me a whack
While both ****** and Stalin
Screamed the house down
I hope there's something in that.

Early
Mid
Late
Never.

I fell down the steps
Of the Lincoln memorial
It really hurt my knees
I fell down the stairs
Of the Lincoln memorial
In front of
Near a hundred
South Koreans

We went to
Holsten's
And sat in Jimmy's booth
Bout a month before he died
Should have seen it there
In that final episode
It was written
All over his eyes.

The terribleness of what you are
Cannot be viewed from afar
You've got to stick your head in it
Snort and gurgle your own ****
And when you high
On your fine farts
Tell the world
That this is art.

Loudon Wainwright gets the pain right.

Mama cass
Shoulda passed
On that ham Sandwich.

That's a horrible thing to say
When she passed
They was no drugs
In her system
And she deffo
Did not choke
On no ham sarney.

We all die alone
Unless someone dies with you
The path that you travel is always within you
So we all **** and moan bout what life has turned into
We all die alone.

Caitlin Rose
Caitlin Rose
Why she Caitlins
No one knows.

I remember seeing my first Greebo
It was on the bus to town
Swaythed in crusty denim
He lived by his own sound

I must have been 7 or 8
And was with me ma
Casting furtive glances over me shoulder
At the great gallah

His hair was strident
His beard was fierce
He stunk of hippy juice
My god i thought
By his lifestyle
I am preternaturally seduced

I'm guessing through
The mists o time
He must be pushing 70
I hope his life was happy
And his rockin was aplenty.

I'm nobody's dog
But there's this family
Who feed me.

Him.
                                                            ­                   Hit
                                                             ­      Need to
                                                              ­   No
                                              Branches felt
                                      But the
                           Ugly tree
                       The
                   Up
He climbed

I shook hands with Joe Gideon
And high fived the shark
After a forest performance
In which they had rocked hard

The beauty of his voice and words
The slickness o her grooves
Soaked into me sonically
And caused the earth to move

Their world is so inviting
As at the barrier i stand
They'll take you on a journey
To learn the ways of man.

Some people talk about what we've done to nature
And how it will have its revenge
Then how come I've just seen a crow
Struggling with a gull
Over a chunk o pepperami?

He fell out of the poet tree
          And
               Hit
        Every
                   Branch
                                 On
                           The
                       Way
                  Down.

Ginny watched over me
When I wasn't very well
Something wasn't right to her
I was oozing a strange smell
As I lay upon the carpet
She licked my swollen head
As if her simple presence
Could stop me going dead

A self imposed Near death experience
Stupidity defined
***** hematoma
Had left me near half  blind
And
Bouncing down concrete embankments
Leaves all sense behind

Ginny is gone now
To where all good doggies go
After twisting round this mortal coil
About a decade or so
She's allowed on St agnes beach these days
All the year around
The terns and the kittiwakes
Tremble at the sound
And as she charges at them
Into the air they soar
Now Ginny chases seabirds forever down the shore.

We've built our church on the ruins of yours
It's always been that way of course
Sumarian Egyptian Hittite Inca
Reappropriation was what they were into
And rightly so
Can't waste that foundation
Took some of it with them
As they altered their nations
Through horror and peace
Some stone gets chipped off
The passage of time
Grinds down and smoothes rock
To a differing shape
Somethings lost
Somethings gained
But there's never been history
Without shouting and pain
So we'll build our church
on the ruins of theirs
Again and again through the
Cycling years.

Crazy Vinny don't like you describing what's at his back
But In front or behind him
jokes about mothers please do not Crack
The man has his own code
and despite what ****** allude
My mate crazy Vinny
Is neither ignorant nor rude.

I'd know you in the dark
Because I've known you for so long
I know your form and breath my love
Yes I'd know you in the dark

Buy land said the man
For god's not making anymore
Well what about volcanos you *****?
What of the Galapogos?

Run to the hills
Step off of that grid
Jump from this pan my friend
Before they bring down the lid

I've seen you through the dark
Through gloomy prom and park
But I've seen you burst through that murk
And start singing like a lark
Singing like the lark
The sweet silver song of the lark
In a golden sky
Could you hold your head up high?

The overlords are here
From beyond reality
Not to teach or to heal
Or hold dominion over thee
Not to persecute and pillage
Not to alter or rearrange
Not to allay our fears
Because we find them strange
Not to accelerate or motivate
Urge us on to our potential
Not to shows their technology
Beyond us monumental
Not mediate or pacify
Or empty man's bloodbath
Not to anoint or purify
But because they like a laugh.

Every year about this time
We head to Dorset
For tunes and wine
And deep fried squid
From thyme and tide
Next to roast chicken
Side by side

At  le grand bouffe
Heartburn won't subside
With rising bile you are supplied
No pieminster on this site
The pie and chips is sold by Sykes
Smoking buns the burger gaffe
Will do you breakfast if you ask
And at Tibetan kitchen
The hungry crowd grows thick
Ask him to save me
A Yeti's ****.

Theres a war between hamsters and toads
How it started nobody knows
But it's lasted now
Since time out of mind
And the hate simply has not declined

A border dispute?
Or more Tonton macoute?
Hamsters don't go for it subtle
While the toads they abide
And wait for stars align
And know now its time to throw down

For thousands o years
It's was nothing but tears
Though neither are capable o crying
Through relentless attrition
And murderous ambition
By the countless millions
They were dying.

But there's news from the front
Arbitration's afoot
There be disrupters
Of slime and of fur
They want peace and not war
To both kings they implore
Pointless hatred
Must be denied.

The streets are too wet
The bay is too wide
The foothills are too far away for the rise
That brings the snowfall
In which children delight
And only the old despise

The chill of the flurry
Felt sharp on the face
Warms before the ground
To mix with foul slurry
From heaven to earth
A terrible mush all around

You're not a seagull
You're a gull
A Kittywake by the sea
Because seagulls don't exist
They are just an etymological redundancy

Be thankful you live here though
And not in the sticks
Where the truth lies deep in the drift
And cast your eyes grateful
Around the clear
In a land where the snow never sticks.

It's not at all sophisticated
Or worthy
It has a metre that I really like
And even when
It's odour has an edge
I find distasteful
I'm a sucker
For the things
I can't buy

And once again
I failed to see it early
Something so blatant
beginging to unfold
But by that time
you had captured my heart
And so
I had treasure untold.

My father died of dyslexic alchoholism
He choked on his own Vimto.

A drunk goes into a chippy and says
"I'll have a portion o chips and a steak and kidely pie."
The worker says
"You mean steak and kidney pie don't you?"
The lush replies
" That's what I said ****** I ?"

The statue on top of Nelson's column is fifteen feet tall
When the man himself died he was only five feet
That's Horatio of 3 to 1.

I have a lot of difficulty with physical intimacy
A friend suggested a book called how to hug
Turns out it was the fifth volume
Of the expanded Oxford English Dictionary.

A cat hijacks a plane
Puts a gun to the pilots head
And says
"Take me to the caneries!"

Skeleton walks into a pub
Orders a pint of Guinness
And a mop

Baldy cat gets on a bus
The drivers says
"Where's yer fare?"

What does a priest keep in his allotment shed?

Lettuce spray.

Poly tunnel kingdoms
In uneasy truce
Glower across the divide
First hovering kestrel
Then circling crow
Waiting for something
To die

The earthworms are frightened
The hares on the run
Avoiding beak and claw
Hemmed in by the tarmac
And rumbling doom
Breaking all natural law

The badgers are lucky
At night they are free
To cross with out
Auto harassing
And think themselves god's
Immune to all death
Till the farmer
Gives them a gassing.

Hello poetry
Hello piety
Hello my growing need for sobriety
Goodbye the lash
Goodbye the sauce
Goodbye to laughter
And high times of course
Once it was fun
Once it was keen
But like Carlito opined
You just run out of steam.

We went down to London
We went on the train
And stared out in wonder
At cold hearted distain
Adrift in the maelstrom
They all seemed so calm
But to dwell in the big smoke
Just seemed like self harm
So we aimed ourselves north
And we sat in the pool
We let its sweet waters
Rinse fix and cool
Now we'll stay here forever
And you'll have my heart
They'd need a mighty mongol horde
Just to keep us apart.

Save your poison
Save you sweet,sweet juice
Cos there's a plague acomin'
Gigantic rats are
On the loose
Tell me where you got it
Tell me where the juice comes from
Because I'm in desperate
Need of some
Big hairy *******
Are at my door.

Hold your water
Better hold it better keep it fast
Solid,steam or liquid
Now that currency is past
What do you call it?
What is this H twenty stuff?
That's how the boss man couched it
And that's the truth
You couldn't make it up.

My feet are sweating
And my brow is cold
It's all topsy turvy now
I can't remember
When I got this old
And everybody's at it
It's become much more than a fad
Your brother always drank too much
I think he did it because he was sad.

You've got to.......
Who knows what you've got to do?
You've got to.......
Avoid the follow through.

It's my birthday today,pour me a scotch.
No,pour yourself a scotch.
No,let me pour you a scotch.
No,it's my birthday today,pour me a scotch.

Listen to aluminium by Roth Bart Baron if you don't speak Japanese
It beauty and its ache will bring you to your knees
I'm clueless what he's singing about
And I don't want to know
To understand them lyrics
Might diminish the glow.

The death of his mother?
The end of a love?
The start of a new one that fits like the glove?
A celebration of friendship?
A recovered one once sick?
Or did some ******* kick his dog to death,
Just like poor old John Wick?

You always have more time
Than you think you do
Till you don't

You always eat more pies
When your wife's away
And critique the mirror for your thoughts
Don't ever lose the urge
To let things slip away
It's one of the things that makes up for your faults
You know it does you no good
To keep **** locked away
See it oozing
Through the cracks in the vault

And the wind needs something
To pull upon if it's Going to make
Something rip
So before you have
A big swig o that milk
It's wise to have
A precautionary sniff

Now you don't look
Anything but doomed to me
With so little time left
Here on this earth
Still you have seen
All  your eyes
care to see
Your ways and words
Have shown
The world your worth

And the only time
That I saw Jimmy cry
Was
The night Barney Conroy died.

Love is the waiting room
They give you something to do
You don't have to complete it though
That onus is on you

Love's the chastisement
They give you a talking-to
Demand you mull
And weigh yourself
Well BOO HOO HOO HOO

Change your name
And I'll give you the world
Relax your neck
And let Rewards unfurl
It's just a name
Don't be so absurd
But david he said no.