I’m not sure
I amount to much.

Just an
Expired thing
In the cabinet
You forgot to
Throw out.

A dog you should’ve
Put down years ago—
Barely walking,
Still biting your ankles.

A song you know
Will only make you worse.
Why press play
If you’re not ready to cry?

The pool you should’ve drained.
I pull you under,
Hold you there,
Watch the bubbles stop.

A broken fire alarm,
Screaming you awake,
Making you worry—
Why else would you?

I’m not sure
I amount to much.
I never did.

I’ll close my eyes
But I know it won’t
Change anything.
You’ll still walk
Out the door.

Maybe I’ll drown
Myself in the pool
But I know it won’t
Change anything.
You wouldn’t want
To save me.

I could try
Starving myself
But I know it won’t
Change anything.
You’ll chew up
My pride and
Spit out the rest.

I could run away
But I know it won’t
Change anything.
We both know
I’ll come crawling back.

What do you
Want from me?
Don’t answer that.
I already know.
You want nothing.
You want silence.

I could jump
From the gallows
But I know it won’t
Change anything.
You wouldn’t wear black.
You wouldn’t come to
My funeral.

I know you
Don’t want me dead.
But you don’t want me
And my heart is
Having trouble
Telling the difference.

I can hear the
Door creak open.
I can feel the cavity
Where you should be.
I close my eyes
But I know it won’t
Change anything.

There’s a man in the field.
He’s digging a hole.
You look closer.
Looks about six feet deep.

As you approach,
You see a husk of a man.
His skin is peeling,
His eyes sunken in.
His still heart is duct-taped
To his sleeve.
He’s been dead for a long time.

He says he’s only 23,
But the little skin left
Looks like leather.
His voice is a
Hoarse whisper.

He tells you he made
Shame his best friend and
Never learned how to get
Rid of Him.

He used to go to
Church everyday
Until the stain glass
Windows shattered.
It took everything in him
Not to kiss the shards
Against his skin.

He believes in demons,
But not in angels.
He believes in lust,
But not in love.
He’s not sure if
He ever really believed in hope.

As you talk,
His lips start to
Peel off.
You see his
Rotting teeth.
It’s almost time.

He holds up a mirror
But you don’t need to look.
You already know what you’ll find.
The duct-tape on your own arm
Starts to sting.

There’s a man in the field
Laying in his grave.
Not even the crickets
Will sing for him.
You close your eyes
As the dirt and the silence
Swallow you whole.

Shame is a friend,
Just not a good one.

He’ll speak truth, like
“You shouldn’t have done that.”
“There will be consequences.”
But He’ll always take it too far.
“They’ll never forgive you.”
“You deserve to die.”
“Go get the razor.”

He’ll tell you to shave your head
Because you don’t deserve to have hair.
He’ll guide the razor blade
Along your skin.
Your hand in His,
It feels right, if even
For a moment.

As you’re cleaning the aftermath,
There’s still a stain.
A stain in your mind.
Like red wine on a white shirt.
His smile cracks wide open
As the walls close in.

“Feel better?”
You nod,
Your heartbeat in
Your ears.
Anything to make
Him go away.

But that’s the thing.
He looms larger now.
He’s not going anywhere.
You’ve made a blood pact.

How do you ****
A giant in your head?
You don’t.
You just ignore it.
You drown out
His voice with your
Favorite songs.
You tell yourself
The shadows are
Playing tricks on you.
You dye your hair.

Sometimes the shadows are just too big.
Sometimes you feel a cold
Hand on your shoulder.
Sometimes your (real) friends are having a
Bad day and you want to get the razor.
You hear a whisper.
“It’s all your fault.”
You put in your earbuds
And look at the sun.

You want a better ending.
Something hopeful.
Something whole.
But you won’t lie.
You open your notes app:

Shame is a friend
You’re better off without.

I've had two best friends by my side
Since the day I was born.
Though, I can't quite remember their names.
I've been gone from home for too long.

Born from the same place,
From the same love.
I watched you as you watched me
Grow in our backyard like a daisy.
But as the years got longer and
The winters got colder;
I started to feel more like a ****.
So, I cut myself off to
Blow away in the wind.
So long.

I'm sorry if I sound pitiful.
But you don't know what
I've been through.
What I put myself through.

While you were bettering yourselves,
I was praying for my own downfall.
While you were looking for love,
I was clinging to the cold arms of
A dead man.
You were becoming wives and
I was a vagrant, combing the
Dark city streets for any signs
Of temporary warmth.

When I finally returned home,
I was expecting nothing but
Anger for my selfishness.
For forgetting you.
For not dancing with you
At your wedding.

A year later and I'm still
Taken aback by your embrace.
But I won't fight it anymore,
I promise.

You've shown me that it's
Never too late to turn the page.
You've given me brothers,
Something I thought would
Never be in my cards.
And soon, there will be a baby
Who I'll protect like you protected me.
And I pray that he doesn't grow up
An only child.