The voices on the TV tell me
One day the sadness will end.
That spring will come again.
But this winter feels endless and
My cold heart cries the lyrics to a
Funeral song;
“Jesus Christ, I’m so blue all the time.”

Remember spring?
Do You remember how
I would’ve danced for You?
Your water gave me new life and
I’ll never forget the embrace of
My brothers, unafraid of the
Cold and wet.

But as the weather grew warmer,
The colder and heavier
My heart became.
I’d never been as scared as when
I could feel it turning to stone.

So I ran.
I ran away to feel something.
The deceptive sun shining through
My windshield made me feel
Warm again.

Then I met the wolf in sheep’s clothing.
But his garments were clawed through and
Sheep don’t wear ankle monitors.
And now I have to live with the fact that
I ran into the arms of a beast who
Ruined a twelve year old’s
Chance at a normal life.

The boy is grown now and
The same age as me.
I pray he doesn’t keep himself up at night
On the lookout for stalking creatures.
I pray he’s okay.

And now it’s back to me and You.
You let me run away.
But You brought me home.
You let me cut myself.
But You make the scars heal.
You let me doubt and swear and
Scream unanswered prayers.
But You saved my heart from stone.

As I write this,
I feel a little warmer.
I want to trust You.
I know I love You.
Please be patient with me.
After all, twenty two long years later and
I’m still new to this world.

God, I’m tired.
I’m tired of this
Never ending winter.
I don’t see spring around the corner.

I had my first kiss last night.
I had a lot of firsts last night.
I’ll spare You the gory details,
And trust me, it got gory.

The fawn meets the bear after
Years of only seeing one
Through a screen.
It’s one thing to feel your
Soul being ****** through your
School laptop, and it’s an
Entirely different thing to
Feel the teeth sink into you.
Though I have to be honest,
Sometimes the pain is heaven.

My friends don’t know me at all.
They don’t know how I give
Myself away and how
I can’t sleep until there’s nothing
Left of me but skin and bones.
They see the scars from watching
My life blood drain, but
They don’t say anything.

I try to be present,
Try to be thankful.
But the grace in my heart has faded and the
Flowers in my hair have died.
I don’t know what’s left.

I cry out but You’re never there.
You let me bleed,
You let me hang from the bear’s mouth.
How could You?

I don’t need You.
I don’t need you.
I just need to go to sleep and if
I never wake up,
That’d be okay too.

I’m still new to this world.
I’m only ten.
Yet I’ve already felt this
Coldness the world has to offer.

I was born days before spring.
Maybe that’s why my
Heart seems to freeze sometimes.
There’s also the kids at school,
Who look right through me and
Whisper about me at the same time.

And there’s my dad.
Could You tell him to be nicer?
I know it could be worse but
Holes in walls and red backsides
Keep my sisters and I up at night.

Does it get much harder than this?
Does the world get any colder?
My mom’s eyes and my teacher’s warm hands
Give me hope.
Hope that spring will come again and again.
Hope that You’ll protect me from the cold.

I grind my teeth the whole way to your house.
You tell me to park in the alley.
When you open the door,
You rush me in so no one sees.
How romantic.

You’re so ******* selfish.
I bet you look in the mirror when you *******.
You might be the worst
Person I’ve ever met.
I think you’d
Slash my throat if
You could get away with it.

Oh, that feels so good
(It doesn’t but you don’t actually care).
“Keep going, daddy”
Or
“Yes, sir.”
It’s all the same.
I’ll be what you need me to be.

As you grind on me,
Your face changes.
Your body morphs.
You’re younger,
You’re older.
You’re bigger,
You’re smaller.
You’re a stranger.
You’re my ex.
You’re me.
You explode.

…

I put my pants back on,
You didn’t even bother taking
Off my shirt.
I walk through
Your haunted house
To the back door.

You say we should do this again,
But you’ll have me blocked
Before I even leave the alley.
I’ll delete the app that’s
Ruining my life,
But I’ll be back.
I’ll end up in another
Doorway that looks like yours.

The car door closes.
I scream.
I punch and scrape and
Pull my hair
Harder than you did.
God, get your **** together.

I drive in silence,
My teeth aching the
Whole way home.