For some it takes drugs I was once told by an angel who visited my sky,
For some I learned from experience they need an iron clad alibi
so no one knows that they were out climbing higher just to get high
As for me I keep on chasing these smoke clouds and spirits yet I don't know why


from the sky I am falling free in a tailspin
Here we go once again
not your foe but I am a fiend my friend
hiding out in a world full of ignorance and pretend
what comes next well that does depend
on what demons we wrestle with what evil we contend
I'm walking around feeling rather condemned
Into What hell do I feel as if I am beginning to descend
To keep falling further down without any consent
Watch other around you beware of their intent
It's always ****** up **** at least to some extent



Holding onto anything that keeps  me feeling whole instead of incomplete
haunted by these memories like they are ghosts its bittersweet
Yet here I am trying my best to render myself obsolete
in this shadow inside a cloud I tend to
retreat
cannot bring myself to admit defeat
I cannot erase all the mistakes that I cannot seem to delete
So for all the secrets I am forced to keep I give them to the Lord so perhaps I can finally sleep
Off this mortal coil I sometimes feel I should leep
falling to my rock bottom in a twisted broken heap
Actions speaking louder than words  prove talk is cheap

the price we pay for the way we live though is rather steep
Through my old neighborhood I slowly creep
doing my dead level best not to break down and weep
For the still waters that run through me run so very deep


It all weighs heavy on my mind and even heavier on my heart
I feel like I am about to embark
On a trip and just as I am about to depart
I light the night on fire I light me up to see where I spark
hiding away in the darkest of dark
More than likely underneath the midnight sky in some god forsaken trailer park


I have a unique point of view due to all the ******* I have been through
You cannot be me and I don't want to be you
I promise I am anything except brand new
I know what it is that I need to do
its just a matter of following through
i feel as if I can trust only very few
most people don't even have a clue
these ghosts now are then ones that seem to pursue
as off this yellow brick road I wander off into the clear blue
leaving all the crap in y rearview



What else can I say in a way that's not quite so cliche
How in other words do I convey that hell no I am
not okay
its harder and harder every **** day
to hold  these demons of mine at bay
when they are just longing to play
How far have my feet gone astray
why is my sky always so dark and grey

cigarettes burning  on the window sill while joints lay unlit in then ashtray
youtube song list blaring away stuck on replay


so here I am trying not to flicker like a flame burning out trying not to fade away  
For me its seize the night looking for a better
way.
perhaps one that doesn't have so much hell to pay


My story has not been written in cement
nor in my flesh from a sharp edged impliment
profane and explicit are my works full content
So I'm holding myself in contempt
at least in any event I have no intent to put up a false pretense myself being someone I misrepresent
I have nothing but time that can very well be spent
trying to find new ways to repent
Now don't go getting **** all completely
bent
take a deep breathe and just vent
I've meant what  I  have said saying just what I meant
so to the heavens prayers I have sent
to ease some of my **** torment


not sure if that's how it's really goes or if it's just the way it has always went


when night draws back it's curtain and pins it with a star
know that I love you if I ever loved you no matter where you are
rather you are so very near or quite far
in the tinted moonlight I bathe every scar
getting wasted sitting here at this bar
I guess we are just who and what we really are


So off into the horizon I stare as if I am doing nothing wrong
up all night long
just hitting the **** ****
trying to move on
trying to remain strong
its hard when at this impasse you've stood way too long
forcing yourself to fit in all then places you know you don't belong


long story short these are probably the ramblings of some old fool who has lost their way in the chaos that was stemmed.
unable to see in a light so dimmed
Yes Father I am sinner who has most cerianly    sinned
My book isn't written in ink but in my blood it has been well penned
Broken hearts and promises that I cannot seem to mend
searching for a means to an end
WIll I eventually break after so far I bend

an addict's mindset is where I've been so stuck
screaming out in the night that I just don't give a flying **** while I try not to choke on the pieces of my broken luck
So I went joyriding in a stolen truck
reeking havoc and running amuck
out in this thunderstorm like a sitting duck
trying my damnedest not to get lightening struck


because when falling free from the sky hitting the ground in a manner so abrupt
could cause anyone to erupt especially if like me they are already cold and quite corrupt
So before My final self destruct
try not to burn so bright you spontaneously combust
burning it all down like it was Ashes to dust


Charcoled and burnt to a complete cinder
my mind is twisted you probably shouldn't enter
The voices in my head were fun for me to dismember
Sometimes I really hate my ******* temper
I try not to stand in the way I don't wish to hinder
I am looking for hope maybe just a glimmer
hopefully it shines like stars at night all a shimmer
blinded by the white of the snow falling to then ground in the dead of winter


So I close my eyes and I am bombarded by the memories that just were not meant to last
you know the ones that disappear so ******* fast
Pain and suffering tormenting me still though the trauma has passed
tt all leaves me feeling like I need to go out and get smashed
leaving everything behind everything trashed


smoke another joint twist another bowl
keep on burning that hole
out of control
right into my very soul

I've gone to a pretty place now where the flowers used to grow
now its a desolate wasteland where even angels fear to go


shivering from the cold winds that  continue
to blow
I jump down another rabbit hole
Instead of attempting to blindly stroll  in the sinister darkness that the time it takes fade has always been slow.


to  error is human but to forgive they say
is divine
I know that I **** **** up all the time
always searching for my buried  treasure I believe that I will never find
bound by blood to these very ties that bind
Maybe I am just a little bit out of my mind
I'm a character once assassinated so I'm that much harder to define
trying to keep it all kind
I'm understand time is just a thing to remind
that our pasts we cannot leave all that far behind
Then years simply are unwilling to rewind
I feel I have burned I will perish and I have pinned
form the fatel feelings on which I now dine
Yeah sure I am doing just fine
sliding down this steep incline
gasping for any kind of vine
trying to keep myself in line
like that glimmer of hope I long to sparkle and shine

a world so rocked by the turn of tragic events
what happens next well that all depends
on how bad the pain from the past torments
Really it doesn't make very much sense
these deep seeded feelings are so intense
I'll be ****** if most people don't misrepresent
masking up what they feel covering their intent
during the week making heartfelt amends
then getting ****** up again 0n the weekends
I don't have time to listen to all the comments
so despite our very desperate attempts
we are all still very much living in suspense
hoping that our best loves don't take offense
when the fighting all seems to just commence
who pays the cost who splits the expense
for all this ******* in land of such nonsense
no need to hide under a false pretense
we all have a jaded justice we seem to dispense
with the monsters outside it contends
as we live in our ignorant worlds of pretend
my story for one isn't written in cement
which gives me plenty of time to dement
profane and explicit works and their content
where has the time really ******* went
should it all have been time that was better spent
If so then to who's qualified and to what extent
due to this very hell on earth we all frequent
it seems that we not even ******* prevent
all our discontent for all the **** we've underwent
Perhaps we have all already been so condemned
It is rather hard for some of us to comprehend
than rather any of us being able to transcend
that we are all so said to be on the very decent
apparently a lot of us still have some **** bent
All of this could be some nightmare that I dreamt perhaps some fairytale that has been well penned
what a serious conundrum this all does present
I meant what I said and I've said what I meant
thank you very much for you're 110 percent
also thanks again my friend for letting me vent
Even if you dislike the very things i represent
time that I guess even I misspent
should I have been looking for a way to repent
our evil deeds a way they have to just ferment Adding to our so called society's disfigurement
******* everything up without any consent
may better days already be Godsent

so many questions twisted up inside of my head as I find myself laying awake staring at the ceiling from my bed lately I have had nothing but feelings of dread lately all I have been seeing is red I feel like I'm hanging on only by a thread I **** sure cannot forget that I am standing alone right here on the edge If I fall arms outstretched...
As free as this Do you think that could actually fly, flying, soaring freely though the sky above all the clouds way up high. The view would be so amazing. Oh my. Thinking about all the time that has passed me by, About the questions and I have and the reasons why. Could I reclaim every tear from up here that I did ever cry? Why have all my plans went awry? Why can't I tell my loved ones who have passed good bye? If all my wrongs I could just somehow justify. I would finally be as free as this **** butterfly. Oh what and intense feeling to Electrify. To all those I love standing nearby, I cannot come down, I cannot comply. Hereon out consider me just a firefly that life finally did satisfy. Every I should remain dry for I did not die. I just took to the sky.

As of late there's just been so much going on
Everything seems to just keep going wrong
oh it was such hell the pain I've undergone
I'm standing here just trying to hold strong
Just barely creeping in right under the dawn
I've **** sure been a bit more than headstrong
I am cursed my whole life, my whole lifelong  
Always searching for some place to belong
All these **** tales of such woebegone
My suffering it keeps trying to prolong.
It's about time that I get ******* gone
you'll find me out chasing a unicorn
blown around by the winds in a thunderstorm
An tragedy that's just waiting to transform

Regret blowing to the sky like smoke from my cigarette
I try really hard not to let myself get so upset
over things that haven't even happened yet.
I'm never been someone that you'll easily forget
I've been chasing my own **** silhouette
Right off into the most beautiful sunset
I just want to find a way to completely disconnect
just long enough for me to ******* reset
to me it sounds like a reasonable request
Leave it to me to be a lost space cadet
I never claimed to be anywhere near perfect
with all due respect, I'm  just a subject that's been depressed
stuck deep inside that dangerous addict mindset
I have a tendency to become a tab bit obsessed
with all of these dark thoughts that I collect
Spinning and twirling around like I've been possessed
in retrospect Its probably not my spirit you should resurrect  
The few precious hours that I actually slept were so **** blessed
that with all my strength, on my shoulders , the weight of the world I attempt to heft
So with the very last breath my body has left
out into the darkness I have slowly stepped
All my emotions are unregulated and unchecked
praying to the Lord, crying out his name as I wept .

Enter now the shadows that I've seen lurk from within the sinister dark
Where in silence I stab myself with bits and pieces of my jagged broken heart
Some remark In that regard when these memories begin to bombard every Hallmark becoming a graveyard Guilty I am just as I have been charged. Sharp tongue and a soul that's already charred so many wounds that have scarred sullied a good name completely marred. Glass broken rains down like every other shard. Of course this terrible news is hard to disregard. It's hell out here on the boulevard. A real lionheart that had to disembark from the trailer park. another question mark to outsmart,

The moral of the story isn't quite up to code
you see In was taught from a very young age to lock and load. Into the very pits of hell I have rode
Oh the stories I have told, the treasures that I hold
Could I ever dare to be a character that is so bold
If no questions are asked no lies will be sold. In overload from secrets innermost overdosed on  every uncontrolled episode now somehow juxtapose.

Perfection it cannot be rushed. Shh listen not to the voices of the hushed. Though I'm an addict I am finding it hard to adjust. Underneath  the weight of this pending doom I am being crushed. No wonder I can't go a day without getting buzzed. My good intentions smudged. It ***** when without merit your judged. feelings quite stuffed and deep everything has been shoved. Crippled and just as corrupt ****** if I do And If I don't I am ******.  For those memories I have clutched I have been fortunate enough to have been truly touched. Yet still it is not just for to look down in disgust far be it for me to erupt burning everything down like ashes to dust, with death I have brushed left is there not one I can trust flames burning inside hot enough I might spontaneously  combust. The Villians now  have thoroughly been cussed the criminals have been all but cuffed and I am back to a fool self drugged. Shunned an Idiot snubbed From my past the mistakes I have scrubbed and scrubbed. Thousands unplugged, somewhat abrupt, out in the open stuck Like a sitting duck. spitting out these huge chunks of broken luck, while I reek havoc and run amuck. Standing out in the thunderstorm preparing to be thunderstruck

Callused hands and tales of such woebegone
all animated like a cartoon that's just been drawn  The suffering the sweet suffering I seem to prolong headstrong demon's spawn so far left I can't get right I guess that keeps me in the wrong forcing myself to fit in the places that I know I don't belong. I am trying to keep moving on, trying to stay forever strong but at this impasse I've stood way too long. From dusk to dawn brains over brawn my intelligence is no supernatural phenomenon ******* did anyone else see that leprechaun Always greener when it is someone else's lawn I am long gone An ugly duckling turned  into a lonely swan with the musings of a madman I rattle on A marathon from which power has been overdrawn **** all the ******* that is hereupon who cares about all the goings on from days of those bygone colored pink with my favorite crayon  
46:10 my favorite psalm  now c'mon stay calm an epic icon, disarm without setting off the alarm do no harm safe and warm Riders on the storm Every second another one is born

delete.
Why is this the history I am doomed to repeat?
Back in the shadow of this cloud, I retreat.
Perhaps its time to render myself obsolete.

I've fallen so far from saving grace That I don't know if I'll ever be able to save face.
Am I really just a head case a waste of space
Lost here in such a God forsaken place.
Here bodies have been known to disappear without a single trace
For this devastating impact myself, I brace
Fleeing from my demons that have recently began to give chase
until caught in their clutches, where I smoother in evil's embrace.

Wont you tell  me what you  think am I good or am I bad? I haven't decided. Out of me and my sister I am easily the nicest. What I should do next I haven't the slightest. I don't know rhe flames in my hell suddenly ignited. The voices inside my head have gone completely quiet.
I am alone in the room so in the room I am the highest. I couldn't resist. To be honest this is how In continue to exsit. It could have happened so swift. Still I ran the risk of my gears getting switched and me getting flipped on my shift. I am pretty humble and rather modest. Sometimes when I'm alone in the darkness to maintain for me is the hardest. On myself I have always been the harshest.I am still Silver but these days I am completely tarnished. This chronic  am smoking now is the strongest.I am truly astonished. HIgh as hell I am feeling quite demolished.Just being honest. I tried my very best  to do just as I had promised. NO fits have I pitched.. INamn feeling pretty **** accomplished.  I ventured out of my crypt. Armed only  with a pen and my wit. Must I remind you that simply I do not give a ****. I have no problems I admit that I am in fact lit As a matter of fact Im in orbit. In my favorite ship I took a little trip. Now here in private I sit.being quiet out of habit ******. I didn't permit anyone to hear my lighter click.Nor did anyone see the sparks I did emit. Even the skealtons in my closet are quick. Inside my head my thoughts are sick, The smoke in this room is rather thick. No one seems to really know what makes me tick. For sure I won't put up witj a bunch of *******. I'll take every hit that I can get. You can even come and visit When you are at your fullest. Trying your best to be so slick. Steadily just bumping that lip like you're desperate. Who needs a gun? At you I'll throw a bullet. To miss you I still wouldn't be equipped. I am explicit. I can't help it I spend a lot of  time getting twisted