I miss you
my soul is full of lumps
I just try to smooth out everything
to have perfectly blended memories of you
but all the unsaid and that can never be said
curdled in my throat

First
you need to forget
to remember
I will never remember you

end-less
fear-less
doubt-less
self-less
ego-less
use-less
mind-less
you-less

Swirling around to find
a good death
like a good birth
Only the finest semina meet the ova
and fertilize
the luckiest to come to birth
on earth
Only the supreme spirits meet death
that fertilize
a new life
Life and death, life and death, life and death, life and death  
Death and life, death and life, death and life  
Death fertilizing life
Life fertilizing death
Playing musical chairs
Through the cycle of life-eternity

you are
a homemade soul healing soup
in a banana bread smell coziness
with notes of chocolate chip cookie essence
and a film-watching excitement
in comfort pajamas

The presence of your absence
fills my heart with emptiness
lightning my soul with darkness
through the worsening "better"s
that different feeling has become alike
Building the destroyed in an excited calmness
trying to continue an interrupted life
full of spiritual vowels and consonant lies
All the sounds of the vowels and consonants
Make words that make no sense
While I go through a “letter y” despair

my life be like
a while
of unreturned smiles and shadows
peering through  your dense walls
to take a glimpse of love
trusting that love could pierce any shield
I beguiled us into a love treaty
apparently
my life be like
why's
and lies

when taking a big brown bite from the almost deformed eclair
that you held in your trembling indecisiveness
with a weary hope of suppressing the sourness
to sugarcoat the strain of  aliveness
you looked at me wanly through dimly lit dull eyes
killed but metabolically active
never had I witnessed such unhappiness
while eating such delicious dessert
the eclair seemed to put you in a foul mode
bewildered
it had no effect or whatsoever to make this world a better place
when the half of your heart is not in this world anymore
the culprit is the broken heart, not the eclair
reckoning with life
gasping and panting
you shoved me
wincing and grimacing  
as you rubbed your chocolate creamy hands to pull the dirt off your palms

my heart starts racing
when I realize that I will never be able
to see you again
It is like an endless pain
that has been caused
by a sudden wrenching of my heart
and a sudden bitter twist
when you sprained my soul
an impinging scar
a never to be cured bruise
an unrestorable rupture
"sprained ankles are healed by ice and time"
but sprained hearts are never fully healed
cold makes it worse and time too...

you have never been here at this time of the year
who cares
if the trees will not ever bloom again
nevermind
I feel like you have come all the way to witness my death anyway

bats come on to play soaring through the air when dark
and owls hunt at night
my mind chases all the lost memories of you
and traces pop out brightly
under the fall of darkness

I sit against the boulder
Listening to the thuds and barks off my shoulder

As I get older
Life does not make me any bolder

It is only getting colder
Losing the ones around once they get closer

the olive orchard
is the gateway to our souls
You and I
Past and future
olives are witnesses to our love
under the shimmering leaves and gnarled trunks
come and hold my hand and let us wander around the lavender covered grove to inhale
what this life has to bestow

We are left with one body only
Where should I sleep?
On your side or my side of the bed?
My side or your side?
Shall I sleep on my right or left side?
I have always struggled to stay on life’s good side
All this happened was a very bad experience on my side
This is just all very bad timing on our side
You told me that you would always be by my side in low tide
And high tide
Now. What should I grieve for?
Your side of the bad or my side of the bad?
My side or your side?
The good side of the bad
is that although time is not on our side
you will always be by my side

through my forward facing eyes
I could see
all around
I could even see
at nights
in the dark
but I could not foresee
your death

Pushing the snail to reach the fountain
With a simple wish to paint the world

Reaching the fountain to see the snail
In a pushed painting

Painting the snail by the fountain
Wish I did not push this much

Fountaining wishes all abound
In a snailing push of the paint

She flipped the lid
to open a delicious looking jar of homemade raspberry jam
to make a yummy stuffed French toast
expecting a lush and fruity floral scent
instead, it smelled mold and yeast
she started coughing and wheezing
feeling dizzy and nauseous

She opened
a rose-shaped red velvet ring box
to wed herself to him
expecting a shinny and glamorous wedding ring
instead, there was an unseen and sharp razor in the slit
she cut her finger  and started bleeding
feeling confused and perplexed rapidly breathing

She opened
a .jar file on her computer
hoping to reach all the files
instead, it was malware containing viruses
and ruined her computer
exploiting and infecting her system
leaving her disappointed and depressed

birth pang-like contractions start
in my heart
before you depart
sweetheart
things fall apart
with a poisonous lump
in my throat
try to keep myself afloat
but there seems to be no lifeboat
around. The only way to see the rainbow
is to let my soul grow

Penguins march in my dreams
in a city that will soon be terrorized
with the dispersed paint of their black and white
I am blind in the seamless continuity of whiteness
invisibility undermines my black sorrow
left behind by the happily marching penguins

grief becomes
unbearable
when the all-colorful and fast-whirling spinning top
falls and remains
still and colorless forever

I am not a poet
Or a woman of letters
Not talented or gifted
I just go through enormous pain
Poems are the painkiller
Poems are the band-aid
Poems are the antidepressant
Poems are my companion
Poems hold my hand
Poems hug me real tight
Poems never leave me alone
Poems sleep with me
And wake up with me
Poems fill my heart
Poems feed me
Poems satisfy my thirst
Poems love me
I put my head on a poet’s lap
And he caresses my hair

Aw the mornings come by and go
through the vapor of the newly steeped tea
Carrying the innocency like that of the baby oil odor
And the freshly sliced tomatoes
Cut to gather the people of the house around
How do I long for you and the mornings we all rushed to catch up with life
A folder full of colorfully sketched moments
Sometimes left in the car to be carried back to kids at school
Decaf coffee sipped with good memories and a lot of laughs
Friends, jokes and giggles, happy smiles
Knowing that my name on the paper cup has been written correctly because you spelled it to the barista
Warms my heart

glancing through my fragile mind
faltering remembrances of you
moor to my snapped soul
coiling one scene after another
every time your smile bounces back
I have been silenced
by the impossibility of not being able to reach you
muffled words echo back
towards a future that I borrowed
roiling images
meek and gentle
quietly remind me of you
and the dragging sweetness of you
fills the air
eluding my pain

I have an ache and throb in my soul
it wakes me up from my sleep at nights
after it strikes in the evenings
I feel fatigued
restless
and weak

I have an uncontrollable
involuntary
and intense urge to love you

You looked like a perennial, strong geranium
blooming each year when it is the right time
you endured the cold and were all green and bright  
even under a thick layer of grime
there were always cherry-colored, ruby-red flowers that rhyme

Apparently, it turned out that you were a delicate poppy
disappearing suddenly when the spring is over
hard to find like a four-leafed clover
with the change of the wind other plants have taken over
so the cherries were all rancid and the ruby has been broken

like my heart in pieces
stabbed by the ruby shards

Rhyming rues
and woes
Sorrows
laden with
reincarnated regrets

Wounds of my age
irremediable

I will take my hands off you
no longer will I worry
don't you hurry
you are already getting blurry
you are now free

Blooming when no one ever immediately witnessed
Was it yesterday or today that the whole sky turned pink with tints of white paint
You turned my heart into a cherry blossom a  whirl of candy floss laughs and smiles
Renewing my gray memories of love with
rosy balloons and red lipstick
Comfort, warmth, and passion
Smoothing all the cracks with compassion
and filling empty branches with a nurturing hope and revitalizing flushes of first love play-fullness
Spontaneously blooming contentment of joyful femininity
Turning the whole life into a happy sakura celebrating nature and the coming of spring  bragging about how beautiful the world could be if all the barren souls awakened
We started all over again …fresh and new pink buds pushing through
Smiles, laughs and sakuras
A joviality of festive beauty in fruity and sweet flowery fragrances
Short it was too short…and sudden
All the flowers wilted
breathless and dehydrated in a drowning bath of  fears and tears
Snow flakes of my soul
Weeping sakuras

Dead bodies all over
Lying down in colorful gowns
Checkered red and white shirts and
Shining night blue dresses
That man with the brown jacket
Looks like he has already turned into soil

The leaky feeling of having lost you
Anytime I stand up to say a word
they flee back to my heart
sealing the truth
Congestion of woes
interferes with moments of life
how would things flow otherwise I think
it seems like there is no flap backwards
murmuring rhythms of the two of us
impair all forward flows
I watch us dance behind improperly closed doors
All is nothing but the seeping of your glittering heart.

Writing one poem after another
to release my pain
in transcendental tranquility
words are the outbursts of hurts
and wordiness buries my anguish
making me live
in balanced serenity
serendipity
blessing in disguise

I have come back to you words
waking up from scattered dreams
beneath love lie lies
surrounded by the lonely dunes
had bads disguised
glittering shimmer soaked coals
pain like unfettered moors
shackles of despair

Our love was
one of the wonders of the world
a prominent must see
a once seen never to be forgotten
therefore I plea
that you come back to shine among all the rotten

you were the shelter to all my left behind
soul

I love you with an innate
effortlessness of true love
a soul in spate
like the bright stars above
light in space

not easily decipherable
rhymes of love
are always there to lure
the ones who can hear
even in deafening silence

life is noisy
this is how it is meant to be
the noise of the passing truck
knock
flock
duck
and rock
life is never without noise
it does not actually have a poise
boom
blast
burp  
click clack
and
moo
meow
hoot
howl
scream
shout
swish
swoosh
yells
and whispers
but words
are the ones
that I cannot take
words
spear through my heart
as I silently struggle
with  
my own words
in my lonely mind

reattaching to the beauties of life
is when you chop the onions with a sharp knife
to bake your grandma's homemade shepherd's pie
the recipe that you will teach your kids before you die

fully feeling things and awakening the senses
is possible through the tasty smell of the fresh herbs behind the fences
when you take out all the raspberries painted fancy plates
open a bottle of red, full-bodied Chianti and set elegant dinner tables

everything is like it used to be  
under the willow tree
we all there were free
then died he

Shall I not then collect words,
to paint colorful sketches of you,
to capture the moments we cannot otherwise retain
through scenes posing life and death?

Brushstroke of words,
sketches and etched memories in vibrant hues
Moments are thereby suspended
in the delicate balance of existence.

For in these words
and sketches, we reside.
Life's vibrant colors on the canvas of time,
In the contiguity of fleeting moments,
I find the art of holding you close.

freedom comes in many forms
for him it was the swishing sound of the bicycle wheels when riding along the beach through the morning breeze
he pedalled all along the bay freeing his soul when waves crashed on the shore
all he took with him was my name rhyming with the crunching sand
love comes in many different forms

I sit in my mind
to wait for me
I sleep in my heart
to dream about myself

you disappeared suddenly
leaving everything behind
now I am left with only one choice
in this supposedly multiple-choice universe
I will grieve over you throughout
will I ever be able to forget
all the undesirable memories
and coat them with sugar?

speaking the unspeakable, unspoken, and never-to-be-spoken, speechless speeches in an unspeakable way speaks my soul.

It was all about love
There simply is nothing to wait for now
Oh the kids…I know
They will find their way
I am the one who got stuck in the labyrinth
Fridays used to be fun
Saturdays even more
Mondays with you were all awesome too
Right now nothing matters
It is just a meaningless chain of days
Mondays and Sundays
They are all the same
Equally worthless
There is nothing I look forward to
It was all about love
It is all over
And it is just my body
That has been
Misplaced
trying to survive in this pain
It was all about love
...Life
We always had thanks and okays
We thanked even for tiny, little things
But for love the most
And we had our okays for the things unfavorable
As long as we were together
It was all okay
It was all about love though
It was about love
We sometimes went to the farmer’s bazaar
The bazaar turned into a carnival
When you looked into my eyes
the oranges looked more fresh and fragrant
Pleasant and sweet was life with you
I look for you behind the shelves of the supermarket
I hope that you show up and hug me again like you did between the pasta, spaghetti, noodle and macaroni shelf and the sauces
But you are not there
When we were in the car your right hand was always mine holding my left hand
Our hands were warm and cold but always together
Sometimes
You just needed your hand to fix the music
Always the songs that I loved
A constant private party that you held
A regular Friday night fever throughout the week
You quickly tuned the music and came back
Or sometimes you needed your hand to hold the steering wheel in case
But you always rushed to come back to find my hand
It was all about love
Do you remember the pigeons which ruined our ledges and window sills?
We had spike strips to keep them away
And even a silhouette of a hawk
Nothing worked
And you made me laugh
so hard that I hardly stopped myself *** in my knickers when you talked to the pigeons to convince them to leave
It was okay
Everything was okay
we ended up building a warm nest for them and fed them everyday
It was all about love
It was love
You were always there
in all the thanks and okays
It was all about love

Sit back and relax
when you open the pack
there should be no holes or cracks
it should look all bright and smooth
to soothe
and when you touch
your fingertips should feel like rubbing silk to give you a craving sweet tooth

Then smell
and give yourself up to the aroma palette
that makes you feel that you are on a carousel
through multi-layered notes of flavor  
recalling the subtle savor
of your mother's chocolate caramel cake
and the hazelnut and vanilla cookie party favor
with a slight touch of a banana bread
through nuances of fruits and flowers
ruby berries and jasmine incense
lavender, *****, and rose
a heavenly and ***** scent  
and taste bud activating exotic spices like cinnamon and nutmeg  

Then take a bite
and you will be filled with light
you will feel all the wandering sprite
through the luscious strokes that ignite
a tantalizing fragrance and taste with delight

we brought home
Two
Seashells
collected
during a date at the beach
When I found them
Right beneath my foot
Buried in the golden
Sand
I was
Overjoyed
And thought
That these were
omens of good luck
the perfect
souvenirs
sent as
Momento
For that
Wonderful day
That we had together
As a tribute to our love
Hand in hand
Lip to lip
Telling each other
How much
we care
and that life if dare
separate us
Would not be fair
How would I know
That these
dead
Bivalve mollusks
foreshadowed
my
Dried up life
and my
Lost fertility
the relics of
A bygone love
Once a home
To a soft and small
creature
Seashells are
coffins

The Venus in my veins  
is dying every second
before giving birth to anything or anyone
In a love-less, infertile abstinence
through a prosperous lack of desire
a set back beauty and an overthrown victory

The windowpane has been clouded by heavy sorrows that I cannot see the joys of spring blooming
the red tulips in the garden have been fogged with my gray spot like ***** ​sorrow
streaks and molds of my mind have shadowed the purple pansies

On his return
The magic potion
that the hero
brought
poisoned all
it was supposed to be
an elixir of love