Can’t explain the way I feel.
Tears silently fill my eyes.
It’s just a repeating cycle.
Almost numb.
This isn’t anything out of the ordinary.
Feel emotional pain in my chest.
I just need to rest.
I’ve given my best
But it seems I don’t measure up to be the best.
Is it me or is it you?
Manipulation not stipulation.
I can still run.
Do I want to?
Emotionally exhausted and torn.
No, I don’t want to go.
I love you.
I’m such a fool.
The nice girl in me gave you a several chances.
Of course, it’s still the same.
Why do I always give people the benefit of the doubt when I know better?
Thought maybe you’d change.
You did.
For a quick minute.
That minute faded. I knew it would.
Always does.
I’m tired of being emotionally beat up.
So exhausted.
Exhaustion wears on the mental state.
I’m tired of running.
I have nowhere to run this time.
Houseless and homeless it’ll be.
I called the shot.
My life fell apart after I met you.
In between jobs, gained depression back after being sober of it for two years.
Now look at me, I’m jobless, feeling hopeless and about to be homeless.
Nowhere to turn.
I can’t speak a word. I can’t tell them the truth.
It’s hard enough telling myself the truth.
I’m gonna have to sell all that I know.
Move on.
I’m so afraid. Where will I end up? Will I be okay?
My car is my only shelter.
Money will run out eventually.
Where will I shower?
You can keep the diamond.
It don’t mean a thing when life’s like this.
This ain’t love.
It’s toxicity taking over both our lives.
You can’t nurture and bloom a normal dating relationship let alone marriage. Marriage and divorce. Been there. Done. That. It ain’t easy.
Flush my dreams down the toilet.
Too old for all of this.
Going on 30.
Never thought my life would be like this.
Silent tears rush down my face.
Brokenness is all I can feel.
It’s not supposed to be like this.
I called the shot the day I first met you.
Why did I proceed to carry on?
I was so off and on with feelings and eventually I did feel love for you.
Fell in love and now here I sit
On the verge homelessness and broken-heartedness.
My life is a mess. I’m a mess.
Why did I outlive all the near-death experiences?
Why was I chosen to stay on Earth?
Am I really supposed to be here or was it just luck of the draw I was chosen to stay?
You have such great potential.
You’re handsome.
You have moments of being charming.
But ****.
There’s more bad than good.
Starting to believe I understand why all the other relationships were toxic.
No, it can’t possibly be always you.
But on the bigger scale, I think a lot of it roots from you.
I don’t know what to do.
I don’t know where to turn.
I am starting to feel scared.
Starting to feel like I’m about to lose all my belongings.
End up on the street.
Never thought my life would be like this.
I know everything happens for a reason but when will I find out why?
I’m tired of running in circles.
One minute we’re great.
Next minute we’re throwing hands and words.
Next minute doors are slamming.
Cars racing out of the driveway.
Day turns to night.
Begging me to come home.
Begging  me to come back inside.
This house ain’t a home.
Feels more like a dark place to bury myself inside.
And yet it’s not even a mentally safe place to hide.
I just want love, peace, and freedom.
Feeling like I’ll never have any of those things unless I’m on my own.
Feel like I do better on my own.
Relationships are too toxic for me.
Or maybe all the ones I’ve been in we’re just with the wrong people.
Is there true love out there? Starting to believe it truly is all a fairy tale. I know one things for certain, I’m about to be back on the road but this time it’ll be different.
I’ll be stuck there with nowhere and nobody to turn to.
Nothing new, it’s always just been me.
Ever since I was a little kid.
Abandoned and neglected my whole life. I’ll be okay, somehow and someday.

Every day I wonder where this life is going to take me.
The path that I’m on.
Is it going to mislead me?
3:00 P.M. every day got the best of me.
My anxiety ate me from the inside out.
But three and a half months in my devotion got me a promotion.
Ain’t hanging my  body over the heat of the press.
I watch these people as they slave away.
So glad I ain’t got no more physical ******* distress.
Will I be able to do it?
Or will I fail again?
Everyone’s so proud, so happy for me.
Looked at as an upper hand but hell I don’t feel like it.
Standing behind a computer all day.
Yeah, that’s what I do.
Better than I had it but so afraid I’ll be a failure like before.
Weekends are gone. No more fun.
No more you. No more family or friends.
12 hour days, yeah.
Off all week. The hell will I do with my time?
Will I succeed at making more money on the side?
Or will I give it all up?
I want to work from home but to be home almost seems impossible.
Crossing my fingers.
I have to push myself harder.
Stop being afraid girl. Just go.
Just do your best.
In time you will figure out the rest.
That’s what I tell myself.
Wish I could see the future. Where I am at?
Am I too critical of myself? I just want to be the best. Ain’t got time to sit around and watch the rest. Praying this works out but it’s out of my control. Whether it will or won’t I guess I’ll find out in good time. For now, I got to stand up and try to lead the nest.

Silence creeps in.
All I can hear is the beating of my heart.
Thump, thump, thump.
Ringing in my ears from a loud day at work.
As I lay here, I try to quiet my mind but in the back of I can hear screams of distress.
If I let them swim to the surface it will just be one ******* mess.
Infinite thoughts race through my head and yet at the same my mind is clear.
Cannot speak, cannot think.
I’m blocking off all that needs to be thought about. All that I need to let out.
**** it.
It’s all the same. It doesn’t even matter.
As days go on, friends grow slimmer.
It’s okay. I’m okay with just me.
That’s how it’s always been and probably always will be.
Less people, less worries, and less problems.
Time ticks by I still think of living the nomad life.
Because why? Because why not?
Less responsibilities, less stress.
Less worries, less people.
Living life on the road.
That’s where it’s at.
I think of all the beautiful places
In this world that I could potentially encounter.
I sit here and wonder, do I wait around to see where this life goes?
To see if it goes where I want it to?
Or do I take the secondary option and live free and homeless.
Homeless and houseless but never heartless.
I want to throw my troubles away. Wash them down a creek. Like skipping pebbles in the river, I want to watch them float away.
Would nomad life be what I’ve heard of? Peaceful? Or would it be more difficult than the every day average American life?
Wouldn’t have to go to work.
Wouldn’t have to pay rent.
Wouldn’t have much to pay for.
It would just be me and freedom at the tip of my fingers.
Lonely? Nah. Not really. I’m not the lonely type. Dads the only one I’d really miss.
I sit here and day dream, oh, what would it be like?

#FreeSpirited

Emotional and mental mess.
Nothing but distress.
Take one moment at a time
As that’s all I can seem to handle.
Not day to day anymore.
Only second to second.
These last several months, last several weeks have me ****** up.
Lost the woman I was becoming.
She’s buried within.
Soon, I’ll dig to find her.
Right now it’s hard to keep my head above the water.
Trying to keep myself from drowning.
But drowning within is the only emotion aside from anxiety that I can feel right now.
You’ve got me ****** up.
These days got me begging for mercy.
For peace, for silence.
When I can feel these things then I’ll reach for happiness once more.
I may seem calm and collected but all I want to do is cry.
Screaming inside.
If I could describe everything I’ve been feeling in this heart and mind of mine
I would tell you it’s like being a big beautifully colored bird trapped inside a cage 4x too small for me.
Suffocation desperate for resuscitation.
Let me be.
Set me free.
There won’t be any peace until all my belongings are with me.
No peace until you walk away and I lock that door.
The door that I and only myself have the ability to lock and unlock.
That’s when I click block.
Tears will run but so am I.
Running from what seems like the devil.
The narcissist inside of you.
I was wild, free, and so happy before I met you.
Free like a wild mustang.
That’s who I am.
So, let me be.
Let me back into wild where I long to be.
Had my life together before I moved under this roof.
Worked in healthcare now I’m jumping factory to factory.
Barely surviving mental health.
Not in my own home.
You took away my peace and my silence.
You took away my therapy.
My outlook on life.
Though I still believe all that I did before
All that I discovered before
I’m just waiting until my cage door opens.
I’ll be busting out
Breaking the chains off my wounded my ankles and wings.
I’ll fly so fast. Faster than you can blink your eyes.
I’m not me. Not anymore I am not.
I lost my life because of you.
And because of you I will gain it back and this time it’ll be even better.
Even when I’m kicked to the ground
Bleeding from my head and the limbs of my body
Though shall never defeat me.
I will not surrender.
Only surrendering I shall and will make is surrendering your ability to ever hurt me again.
Once that door closes
I am going to bolt it shut.
Never will you walk in through it again.
Locked and blocked you will be.
I will pray for you because it is people like you that truly need it the most.
Good riddance to you.
The friend and love I thought I once had.

Three in the morning.
What else is new?
Lying here in bed wide awake.
Mind full of thoughts.
About to burst open if these thoughts keep building up.
I have so much to say.
Only on paper can I express myself.
Too difficult to open up.
Too afraid to.
Don't want to be judged.
Turned away and shamed for my feelings before so I learned to hide everything in side.
Now that's just the way it is.
Rather be alone.
Can't take anymore pain.
Alone in silence is better than being tortured by all the possibilities of hurt another human being can bring to the table.
Being along is better than all those senseless fights.
What's the point anyway?
Fighting doesn't do anything good.
It only ruins our mentality.
Flattens our happiness
Increases our anxieties.
Took me so long to accept being alone
But now that I'm here it's where I'd rather be.
When you live the life such as one you would too.
As time goes on, it becomes easier and more desirable to crave voluntarily aloneness.
People think you're lonely when you're alone.
However, the truth is, sometimes being alone can give you some of the greatest memories and happiest times.
Being alone is better than being alone while with someone else.
Better to be alone than to suffer from the hurt from someone else.

Laying here in the silence.
Its dark but I am warm.
Lying here in bed.
Respirations and tears falling from my face are the only forms of sound I can hear.
How much can a heart take before goes into cardiac arrest?
I scream inside.
Painfully scream inside.
I feel trapped inside a empty box.
It's dark and lonely.
I'll be alright.
Always am.
Have no choice.
I'm mentally falling to my knees.
So hard that the knee caps I have burst from the fall I'm about to make.
Silent tears because I don't think I'm capable of letting the screams surface to the top.
Broken or bent?
Maybe a little bit of both.
Or maybe a lot of both.
So many thoughts and feelings inside this mind of mine.
Yet I can't seem to bring them to shore.

Around and around.
The world spins madly on.
Standing still in the middle of this street
yet it’s moving in a constant spinning motion.
How did I get here?
I closed my eyes and suddenly my world
has completely transformed yet again.
Im happy with what I have
But still so sad as the past weighs down
On my weakened soul.
Try to let go but how can I when I have the door of the past boarded shut.
Days are rare when I allow myself to think. To think of the past, the pain that follows.
The last seven years have come and gone
so **** fast.
How can I even catch my breath?
From a stranger to my husband
and back to a stranger.
A complete stranger.
Another lover enters my world.
One right after another.
Thought I might of found love
But they all stabbed me in my windpipe.
Can’t breathe, hard to see what’s in front of me.
I tell everyone it’s not good to not let yourself feel, to not express ones emotions.
Yet, I do the same.
I hide inside myself.
Bury my emotions, my thoughts.
Bury them not only from others but truly from myself.
In the last two years, I’ve met so many people. Good friends and even lovers, and all back to strangers. Suddenly.
Broke up with my two best friends and now I stand still with one good friend.
No shame in it for I truly do love him. For I am so thankful to have him in my life.
However, sadness remains.
At first, I was okay, but looking back, maybe it was denial. Maybe I thought that it wasn’t the end.
Maybe I thought it was just a break even though the words that were exchanged crushed my heart.
And now, now, I think of you every once in awhile. Lately, it’s been a few times.
Think of you both as I’ve ran across photos on social media or even just see your names.
I hope you’re okay.
I hope you’re shining bright.
Life is short. Soak up the sun while it still burns hot.