Tick tick goes the clock.
Sitting at the top of the stair case
As I sip on some wine.
The fresh, crisp, taste of sweet wine on my lips is refreshing.
One sip after the next as I daze into the night.
The silence of this home is so peaceful.
Silent physically.
Internally I’m screaming but nobody can hear.
I avoid myself. I avoid my thoughts.
For the thoughts in my head are far too much to bare.
I could write for hours at a time but to allow myself to think I will not.
So, for tonight, I will drown my lips into my sweet glass of wine.

Around and around I always go. Same old story. Different person. Always the same ending.
Can’t trust a word you say. It ain’t even you. It’s my past creeping up on me. The past that’s repeatedly happened. Over and over.
May have found real feelings once again. Baby, please don’t break my heart. Don’t think I can take another heartbreak. I drive myself to Madness with all the thoughts all up in my head. I try to relax. I try to breathe. But ****, all the demons creep up on me.
One small thing can create the biggest red flag in my mind. Maybe it ain’t even true. Maybe you’re loyal. Maybe you’re already mine. *******, why does this happen to me? Set me free, let me be.
Let me find the love of my life. Let me be the love of someone else’s life.
It ain’t fair. Look over there. All these people be acting like they are lucky in love.  ****, seems like nothing but an act but hell I’ve been there before. I was in love. I was his wife. I was his friend.
But just like most, he stabbed me in the back. There ain’t no turning around.  The damage is done. Insecurities have settled. Engraved to my brain. I am in trained to believe that everyone is a fraud. why does it have to be so hard? Why do people have to play my mind, my heart, and my soul?
We all just want love.
04.03.20

I try to understand.
I try to take the good with the bad and yet some days my soul breaks.
I want to scream.
I want to cry my heart out.
Let my soul be free.
I break inside.
The love of my life, yes, you will always be.
It wasn’t meant to be.
This, so hard to come to reality with.
It’s been a year and seven months.
Not a day goes by that I don’t think of you.
I wonder where you are.
I wonder what you’re doing.
Do you think of me?
Do you miss me?
Are you happy?
Do you regret everything?
Do you regret leaving?
Forever, I’ll miss you walking in the door.
In our home.
I pray for better understanding.
I pray for healing.
I pray for the love we once had to re-enter my life one day.
If I accept it, this I shall not know until the moment arrives.
It is you.
From the moment I seen you
It was always you.
Then and now.
Little by little I try to let go.
I’ll be okay.
I hope you are too.
I pray someday I can come to complete understanding.
Until then, my soul will hang by a thread but believe me I will be okay.
In a movie, I heard, “Love is until the very end”.
This I shall try to live by.
If it was true love we would still be together.
It wasn’t love.
Over and over I try to convince myself. Someday, I pray for that heaven-sent love.
Until now, I will continue to love myself the best I can.
For I am okay.

Get too emotionally invested.
Brain gets infested.
It’s like I get taken over by a world of demons.
So mentally ****** because of the past SO’s.
Unbelievable what one can do without ever laying a finger on ones body.
Messed up to the core.
Physically present.
Mentally absent.
Emotionally unavailable.
Broken spirit but I still fly high.
Lone-rider.
Wondering if maybe being alone is best for me.
Healthiest for me.
Intoxicated with feelings make me feel like a drunken fool.
Sober and alone is where it’s at.
Nobody likes being alone.
Nobody’s afraid of love.
We all love love.
We’re just ****** from the last and the past.

I have tried over and over.
Heartbreak after heartbreak.
After so long you begin to feel worthless.
Feeling unworthy, drained, and empty.
I’m tired of trying.
Mentally and emotionally exhausted.
Finally, May of 2020, I have become officially okay with being alone.
February 2020, I had yet changed again once more.
However, this time it is much different.
I have absolutely no desire to seek for love or a relationship.
The thought of a relationship literally freaks me out mentally.
I’ve never had this feeling before.
Always craving new love when my love is taken from me.
Not this time.
Not anymore.
I’ve changed.
Hurt has changed me for good.
Cuts a little deeper each time.
Pretty soon I’ll be down to the bone.
The feeling is rather bittersweet.
Yet at the same time it’s such a good feeling too.
Being okay with being alone means I want to continue to take care of myself 100% rather than depend on someone for emotional fulfillment.
Never again, will I ever love the same.
I’m different.
I’m over it.
Gone.