If you need to brutally use your fists
Against my flesh and bones
Then the deeper meaning
Behind your actions
Is that you are incapable of communicating

The Dali Lama once said
Nonviolence
Is the reflection of internal peace within
If you beat me
Then you are incapable of using your words
There is no peace found within

I want to feel
Your lips
Desperately crashing
Against mine
With an all-consuming hunger
That reverberates throughout your entire body
And transfers to mine
During the meticulous dance
Of our tongues intertwining
While your breathing
Finds its own rhythm
Between the deafening sound
Of your erratic heartbeat
And soft moaning
Which you struggle to suppress

I did it
I made my move
The ball’s in your court now
Why oh why
Words are powerful
I think I’ll learn my lesson this time
Since I’ve yet again
Placed another above me
I took action
And fate actually led us together
I’m curious
Do you know who I am
Or have you not connected the dots
I hope not
I don’t know what I’m doing
This will lead to no where
So why did I pursue
To confirm I’m desirable
Oh insecurity
You still sink your claws deep
Why do I need another for this purpose?
We shall see where this goes
Whether this will be the beginning
To our story
Or the end of a gym membership
To be continued

when you want nothing
you have everything

when you desire love from others
you lack love within

when you become no one
you become everything

I asked you to not be afraid
To share your feelings with me
All of them
Stupid naïve girl
If only she knew
That she asked for something
She couldn’t handle
Drown in emotions
Try to grasp all that he throws
They’ll all fall and break eventually
You overwhelmed yourself
Little girl
Flee
Run
It’s all you know
Leave him with more scars
Harden his heart further
Crush what little hope he had remaining
With the palm of your negligence
While yours will carry with it
The crack of his remembrance
And the absence of your innocence

you look me in the eyes
and tell me that i am selfish
with no remorse or regret in your countenance
that i should be embarrassed
and filled with shame
and yet
when i tell you that you should feel shame
and embarresment
with the way you speak about your issues with my father
in front of your kids
you have no words
and continue rambling about something else
it hurts
doesn't it
to taste what you give out on the daily
i will not apologize
i guess i am different than everyone else in my family
i will not remain quiet
i will not silently endure your verbal abuse
enough is enough
you use your words to inflict emotional wounds
and i will use mine to be more powerful than yours
you created this "monster"
so don't be upset
when your flesh stings when i attack on the defense

you are more precious than you know
your ability to rip your flesh apart
pull the bleeding ***** with strength unimaginable to create an opening inside
just to push through to tend to the broken yet beautiful heart
that is covered in scarred tissue as a reminder for its desire for survival
to beat another day
to tend to the wounds that have been inflicted on it by others
which later followed by your own hands and words
forgiveness and tears are a gentle balm of healing
that cover the years of war spent viciously fighting among the cells of this fragile vessel
you are more courageous than you know
your willingness to confront agony, pain, and uncertainty
is worthy of recognition and praise
you amaze me
every.
****.
day.
even on the ones that haven’t been so kind to you
and leave bruises that linger and eventually change shades
this vessel is not familiar with gentleness
it has only understood roughness
and has often mistaken it for love
which you are now painfully discovering
but your beauty lies in what is unseen to the eye
it is found in your depths
your desire for authenticity and connection
connection with others
but more importantly
connection with yourself
a gentle one that allows you to be as you are
in the light
and in the dark

I cried today in my car
While I went on an extended drive
I just want to be touched
Held in the embrace by a boy that reveres me
Gently sway in the dark
With our hearts pressed against one another’s chest
To the tunes of cigarettes after ***
Softly playing in the distance
I crave a matured intimacy
Where another sees my authenticity
And accepts me in my full mystery
But I don’t have that
And it ******* hurts
Viscerally
It aches in the center of my chest
And the tears slightly make the pain subside
The romance novels and late night self-love sessions
Provide some sort of escape
But they cause huge crashes after the chemical highs have dissipated
When will my time come
Tomorrow
One month from now
Two years

from this day forward
you will be kind to yourself
you will choose to embrace who you are
you will listen to words of affirmation at night
you will look in the mirror
and vocalize your beauty
and not feel any shame or embarrassment
you will write love letters to yourself
every day
you will love yourself
because right now
you are in the process of falling in love with yourself
you will wear what you want to wear
and not let your perceived flaws dictate your attire
you can wear tight clothes
understanding that some might stare
and some might not even care
love the body you have
love the face you have
make the actions right now
to love yourself
your progress is for you
no one else
make the decision
to start today

I’m glad I haven’t experienced
Physical intimacy with another
Because now
With the knowledge I have
All of my experiences
Will be with someone who reveres me
Teenage insecurity no longer influencing my low-standard decisions
Each new sensation
Will not go unnoticed
I’ll be fully absorbed
And intentional in the moments where
A man tightly grasps my waist
Under my shirt
For the first time

Delicately moves his lips against mine only to spread them open
With his skilled tongue

Moments where a man
Slowly peels off my shirt
In an unhurried lust

Roams his rough palms across my bare chest and focuses his attention on my hardened *******

The moment where a man
kisses my breast softly
For the first time

Once I learned how to please myself
I never understood why one would need
A boy
I mean
Most girls say that they can’t get off
When they are with one
So I never understood
Why need a boy when you have your
Trusty self
But
As I’ve gotten older
I’ve realized it’s the intimacy
That can be there
The ability to relax and grant trust to another
As you lay there in the most vulnerable
Position
The ability to not expect or know the next movement
And to hold a dance between two souls
Where pleasure is the end goal
And emotional intimacy is the reward

It is when I see the trail that your tears
Left under your eyes
Where they've collected under your chin
And disappeared down your neck
Your eyelashes
Which have clumped together
From the emotions
Leaking outside your body
As your entire face remains stoic
Except your eyes
As you silently cry
While maintaining eye contact with me
That I know
I’ve hurt you
Beyond repair
Beyond comprehension
I’m sorry
But I won’t tell you that
Because it would be an insult
To use such shallow words
To try to heal the deep lacerations
I’ve placed on your heart and mind

I thought I would feel something
More
Instead
I feel numb
Like I’m devoid of any and all emotions

I sat out in the sun today
Tried to enjoy nature
Allow it to encourage my reflection
Nope
Nothing
I just feel
...
I can’t even describe the emotion
Is there even something
That has a name to my experience

And as I now sit in my house
Inspired to write
I can still feel the sun’s warmth
Lingering On my
Left cheek
Forearms
Legs
While I come to the conclusion that
This
Is a great tragedy

To have an experience
Without the language of knowing
If there’s is a word or concept behind it
You’re left alone
With nothing
Only the meta emotion of confusion

If he can’t make me ***
During foreplay
Then I’m definitely not letting him
Inside me
And you shouldn’t either

Just as my breathing becomes shallow and quicker in pace
announcing my impending ******
caused by your tongue
administering slow circles around my ****
while your palms tightly press into my inner thighs to keep them pushed apart
you lift your mouth an inch away from me
look into my eyes and whisper
fu€k baby
You taste so good against my tongue
I wanna see you ride my co€k

you quickly crawl up my body
grab my hips
and pull me on top of you to straddle your trim waist
my whimpers soon morph into soft moans  
as I run the head of your **** around my slick opening
Teasing you the same way you teased me

baby please
you groan as you bite your lip from taking over

once I feel my wetness coat your entire head
I guide your throbbing **** deep into my pu$sy
slowly

inch.
by.
inch.
I take you in

you pull me down towards your lips
grabbing the back of my neck
to kiss me so I can swallow your needy moans

I remain still once you’re fully inside me
taking a moment to adjust to your size
I push off your chest
and right as I begin to lift up your length
you grab my chin with your thumb and index finger

baby
open your eyes
I wanna watch the way you come apart
as you ride me

you feel that
you feel how hard you make my ****
as it’s inside your wet pus$y

fu€k
you feel so good
I wanna watch you ride me

go slow
go fast
do whatever you want
I’ll like whatever you choose to do
Take.
Your.
Pleasure.
move how you want
make whatever sounds you want
I’m just here to watch you take control

before you can finish your last words
I quickly lift up
then slowly
I push back down on you
while my head falls back
mouth falls open
and I squeeze my pu$sy tight

you place your hands on my hips
that’s it baby
ride my **** however you want
take your pleasure

I keep a slowly agonizing tempo
until you start playing with it
using your hands
shoving me faster down on your ****

you then get impatient and sit up
taking my n!pple into your mouth
******* harshly
I pull on your hair
to move away from the sensitive spot
but push my brea$t closer

you then snake your right hand down
to where we are joined
and start rubbing my swollen cl;t

the motion of your fingers start to match the motion of your tongue
and that’s when I start to feel my entire body clench

that’s it baby
give it to me
right there
*** for me
I wanna feel your pus$y squeeze my **** as you *** in
5
4
3-

let’s just say
I don’t make it to 1

My disclosure of vulnerability
Does not come with the price of having others share intimate information after I did

My verbal affirmations
Do not require mirroring
Embrace the words
It is your moment of recognition
Not mine

The theme within these two acts
Is found in the differentiation
Between wants and needs

The effects of having a
Gentle comfortability with myself
Allows me to not need reciprocation
But to want it
I am satisfied either way
Because I cherish the vulnerability I show myself
And the affirmations I support from within

It has allowed me to take pleasure
In other people’s victories
Or moments of recognition
Without the need of interrupting
The moment
By desiring the other to shower me
In the manner in which I just did
To them

It’s pathetic you know
How much you rely on words
I could wipe my a$$ with flowers
Hand them to you
Call it a bouquet
And you’d giggle
Happily accept it
With an innocent smile on your face

YOU.
ARE.
ENOUGH.

accept yourself first
it'll be then
when you will be able to break away
from the chains that enslave you
to others' opinions

**** them
they don't even care about you
you're just an afterthought to them
their more worried about themselves
and their appearance
so why do you place such power and weight
in their words
give the power and weight back
to your own voice within
raise it up from the grave that you buried it in

It’s crazy to think
That we live in a world where
If you’re attractive
You must be a good boyfriend/girlfriend
If you’re attractive
And then dumped
It’s because the other person doesn’t know
A good thing when they have it
Weird
It’s as if all other characteristics
Are nonexistent
And you’re character can be based
On your attractiveness alone