I don't know how to respond
You say so many things
Things that should be helping
but that's the painful thing I'm learning

How can I help?
How are you doing?
What's wrong inside your mind?
How can we fix it this time?

And I don't know the right answer
Because an "I don't know" given in earnest
Enough times repeated, you'll lose interest
but my battle is just as potent, eternally unended

So I think my way down all my maze's dead ends
Looking desperately for a new bend
Until my phone screen goes black
And it's just me, alone, staring back

I'll never forget the day
When stress got the best of me
And I finally told you my worries

And it was the worst timing
But we still went to that concert
Though on the way up we didn't speak

And then the crowd was deafening
But somehow so was our silence
And all we could do was just be

But when the lights went down
And we realized six inches makes a big difference
And there's no way I'd be able to see

You picked me up
And stood me on your feet
Though it can't have been easy

And that feels more real than anything
Because nothing was perfect
But you still cared for me

I will not walk in the unknown
If we two stand at a fork in the road
And hesitation held his other hand
I'd go my own way, ready to try again

But you were a road less traveled-er
An adventure seeker who was still
Strong and sure enough to be a shelter
As warm and quick as a fire

And now we come to another divide
And I let go of the hand I held so tight
And you walk the middle ignoring either side
Until you crest this hill on high

And this is where I go
As I have always done before

But I've never loved like this
So I'll walk up this blind hill
My heart in hand, red on my sleeve
Flipping the coin on a ring or a guillotine

I enjoy my lab and goggles
I love my church and scripture
But my soul longs for ball gowns
And my heart awaits adventure

I'll make a good scientist
A faithful wife and Christian
But still I dream of princes
And righting unrightoeus dominion

For while I have a scholar's mind
And all I've ever learned is reality
I was born with a writer's blood
And would rather breathe in fantasy

I want you to be my forever
But I don't need you to be

And of course it will break my heart
If you decide to leave

But it will not break my soul
This will not be the end of my story

And with all that said and true
I can feel the dread fill my body

That something I can't change
Will make you unable to love me

That I'll lose out on a future with you
Because I am sick and there is no remedy

"Just marry him already!
What are you waiting for?"

Except I am not the brakes here
I'm not in control

He has the wheel
And isn't sure of the destination

So I'll bear my soul
And then be prepared for the distance

You may think what you'd like to think
Choose whatever lens you'd like to view me
Happy, healthy, put-together, carefree
There are only two things that really means
Either you look and don't know how to see
The marks my mind left on my body
Or you are the audience of my scene
You see a dazzling smile, a gleaming sheen
All the pretty lights made for distracting
You view reality in this my crafted dream
So pick the poison that tickles your fancy
My deceit wasn't meant maliciously
Only meant to hide where I'm weak
and I guess it's working
They see only someone succeeding
Not the girl who is sinking