“Don’t say sorry say thank you”
A breakthrough in my recovery

I want to apologize to you
I know I ****** up
And  you didn’t
deserve what that did to you

I know I hurt you
I’m sorry

But I need to stop saying sorry

Framing myself as your abuser
Blaming myself for everything

When we both know
You
were a part of
T h i s
too

When I am the one
who hurt you
I have
to hurt me to make
hurting you
Ok

I wear the crown of the victimizer and victim together.

And at that expense

No

I cannot say sorry
anymore

So allow me to rephrase

Thank you for letting me into your life
Thank you for your affection and love
Even if it went sour
I appreciate you enduring the trials we went through
Even though
we weren’t meant to be
But we had fun

So thank you
Thank you for playing a part in my crazy ****** up journey
To becoming better
I hope you were able to
Enjoy some part of the wild ride too

-I left for the wrong reasons

We chased a feeling
not a reality

We both wanted someone
So desperately
that we found each other

Even though no part of
us
worked

Our pieces didn’t fit together
so we pressed and jammed them
until they were stuck
and stayed that way
Until
we broke

-red flags

I’m turning
these old ruins
into ballads

I’m storing away the ache
of these scorch marks
Slathering them with words
And wrapping them tight in allegory

I’m turning my flames into verses
Learning how to heal
Through means of
Vulnerable
exposure
of me

Who I am
Not
Who
I wish I was
I’m
        putting
                   Down
                               My
                                         Matchbook
                                                                And
                                                                           Picking                                                                                                                                                
                                                                                          up
                                                                                                   my
                                                                                                             Pen



                                                 (reminder)

I lit the match

But you poured the gasoline


So here’s to recovery

-Pyropoet

At some point,
even if
you
lit the match
You’ll lose control

I thought I
could handle the flame

But it grew
far too tall
far too fast

it burnt down everything
I wanted to protect


Maniac (noun):
A person characterized
with inordinate or ungovernable
enthusiasm for something

An impeccable analogue
to my apparent
Affinity
For chaotically destroying the things I hold dear

                   (reminder)

I lit the match that set the world ablaze
That set my world ablaze

-Pyromaniac

The world around me
Is set ablaze
So I learn
To control
the flames
that engulf me


Fire
is only
Scary
When you are not
the one who
lit the match


So I lit the match myself


-Pyrotechnic

I  melt quietly
Bracing against the barrier
implanted
on the edge of a pier
The crisp cold chill of the ocean breeze
Slaps the bare skin of my arms
A beautiful night with
A looming threat
You can’t quite put your finger on

Quiet space
No weight
No intentions
no motives
No expectations

Then it jolts

The vacuity
Silent yet so loud
Heavy
Clear intentions
Clear motives with
Clear expectations I will never live up to

How can nothing bruise so deeply
If by definition it is the absence of everything

it lingers above my head
I can’t get the voices out
I’m not good enough
I shouldn’t be here
I don’t deserve this
I could stop it all now


From fifteen feet above

I can feel the rapid waves grasping me
I begin to understand the power that this water holds
Yet instead of wanting to back away from the ledge
I suddenly want to
dwindle into that hole
Let my friend’s pay the toll
I  want to dive
headfirst into the hollow
Find out how fast I can lose tomorrow

To dip your feet into a pool of nothing
And hope to gain  something
Is a  pathetic, analytic seminar on how
  to punish
those you won’t admit love you

-One more step

I‘m  F.I.N.E


               ****** up,

                                         insecure,

    Neurotic,

                                       ­                    and Emotional.
                      
    
But beyond a cheap self-deprecating joke
You and I might have a very different definition of
F i n e

To you,
fine might be scraping the surface
Or untapped potential
Knowing you can do better
  you have just enough money to make it by
You have just enough food on the table to survive
You are certain you can pay your bills this month
You just might pass on  netflix to get by
or you won’t go out with friends because you can’t pick up the tab

You
Are fine

To preface my point
This still isn’t a great place to be
and I’m sorry that you have
to just scrape by every day
Having fun should be a part of life
But at least you are stable
You at least are fine
You at least are

To me,
Fine
is digging deep

To me,
Fine
is a barrage of  pedigree hate

To me,
Fine
is not knowing if I’m gonna spend the night on my friend’s couch
Because   h e   beat me up
Or   s h e   told him to

To you,
Fine
might be safe

To me,
Fine
is whatever I think I can handle before I grab the bottle

To me,
Fine
is a measure of how bad **** can get before I grab the blade

So the next time you ask me if I’m   f i n e
And I say yes

Doubt me

Call me late at night
Don’t let me drink
It’s not the right kind of medicine

Follow me home
Don’t let me touch that knife
again

And if I don’t make it
If I couldn’t make it to “fine”
Even by my own delineation
It isn’t your fault
I just can’t seem to settle on the definition of a word
whose weight
I never quite understood.

-fine