I'm scared because sometimes I think I fake my mental illness.
2. I'm scared that I will always be alone.
3. I'm scared because I think I'm a narcissist.
4. I'm scared that I'm a terrible person because when I look at my
           dad all I feel is hatred and disappointment.
5. I don't believe or care enough to believe that my dad is an acholic
           and drug addict because it is easier for me to believe that he
           just didn't want my family or me. it's easier for me to believe
           that he just got stuck with us it's easier to blame him.  
6. I think I'm just as crazy as my mother.
7. I thrive and rely on superior validation, and I'm scared of that
           because I don't want to be stuck in an abusive
           relationship. However, I crave the toxicity that an abusive
           relationship can bring me.
8. I don't want to fix my relationship with my father because if I fix
           it and truly forgive him, then I won't be able to blame him.
9. I know that the reason people aren't here for me is my fault.
10. I oftentimes feel like I'll never be able to trust myself.

I think loneliness is like a disease. like the flu or a common cold. you can try to prevent it. surround yourself with people but, sometimes it just sneaks in. you won't see it at first but eventually you'll feel yourself becoming distant. infected with this disease. and if you're not careful your simple cold will become pneumonia and then turn into bronchitis. before you know it you're in the emergency room for your third suicide attempt.

loneliness is a powerful thing. in my small experience loneliness has two of the bestest friends who will always follow him. loneliness is like a black hole that I find myself sinking into more time than I would like to admit.

I think I'm going through a mid-life crisis.
who am I?
what am I doing here?

am I making an impact or am I just floating through life?

am I really depressed or do I just not know any other feeling than the numbness that travels from my brain to my heart.

or is the numbness that i think im feeling just part of my mind tricking me into not feeling anything at all.
and if so is my mind tricking me to protect me or to hurt me.

maybe i just crazy, who knows

do i really care or am i just bored enough to pretend i care.


and if im just bored enough to pretend to care shouldn't i pick something else to care about.

or am i in the cycle of my mind tricking me over and over again.

I have always believed people do NOT change. They can't.
So when I look in the mirror and come to understand that I hate myself in every way possible and there is nothing I can do about it.
I somehow find myself hating myself even more.

yeah, so i have this math homework
yeah, so i have to clean the laundry
yeah, so i have this essay to write

But all i want to do is think about you.

yeah, so i have a new girl
yeah, so she's better for me
yeah, so i smile when i'm with her
yeah, so i think i might love her

But all i miss is you.

yeah, so i miss your scent
yeah, so i miss your touch
yeah, so i miss your smile
yeah, so i miss you

yeah, so what.

You'll find me alone at midnight

all alone inside my mind

trying to decide me

I take drugs
To decide on my own.

To take air into the lungs and then expel it
especially as a regular physiological process

Then why did He stop

If there's a problem then you fix it

You're not broken just bent

You're not crying just raining

You're not a victim but a survivor

You don't have a slash just a scrap

You're not weak just delicate

Someday i'm going to wake up
And when that day comes
Well i'm going to wake up with a smile


But

That someday

isn't here yet

**** sadness with science
Pop pill to make me smile
Say goodbye before go
So many letters
So many " I love you"s and " I'm Sorry"s

You say you care
I want to believe

What would you like me to do

"Feel better"

I can't feel

Not better or sad or happy.

I can't feel

anything

I chose her

but i miss him

Why do i need him when i have her

I would like to say i have a

profound sense of the universe

I would like to say i understand the unthinkable

dying doesn't scare me

living does

death doesn't scare me

being alone does

I love him

but you love me

and i just crave any

love

Under my ***** nails and my fake smile and my long sleeves
are my regrets and my scars glassy

eyes wishing to cry wishing
to shut for so long that they can't open back up
wishing and hoping for a blanket to hide myself in

You can be the saddest person
but you can never be the happiest
you can hope for the most and you can wish for the best
but  you can't think about the past

because the past can ruin you
the past can take you limb by limb
Finger by finger
eyelash by eyelash

and rip you apart the past can bring tears to your eyes and the past can  

can keep your heart from beating

the past is a deadly thing
the past is why it stays in the past
the past is why it's not the future and
the past is not our hope and it is not our wish.

You can love me until you hate me

but

Can you hate until you love me

Two forces cancel each other


You never notice glass until its broken

I keep wondering what left. Left your disembodied mind and what was its held in your last breath

because underneath all the blue and yellow and purple Cuts bruises and scars I find myself thinking of you trying to remember you I find myself  wondering if I could stop you I find myself filled of guilt

wishing I could turn back time or just end time

because what if
That little game your mind plays on you over and over again not knowing if it's true or not and that game that stupid little game leaving you breathless and scared

your lips were purple your skin was pale and colorless your face and fingers were ice-cold

I sat trying to hold to you trying to cling to your lifeless body and then I think back to when you said
I'm good
I'm okay
I'm fine

and I think why didn't I help you why didn't I understand

but I just turned the other way I walked away thinking someone else might help
but there was only me and I left you to drown like I gave you the knife or the rope or the gun or the pills and then walked away

I might as well giving you a ******* note stating **** yourself who the hell is going to care because nobody cares so ******* do it and then you did


so what's next nothing will go back to normal so we might as well join maybe someone you knew will give me the rope or the knife or the pills or a gun

But I'll see you on the other side where I might finally long it'll just be me and my bones no skin no blood not even a mind nothing to hurt me
where my guilt will finally be erased where I won't need to hide where I won't need to be fixed because I will already be perfect

gone and always forgotten

An untitled Document is
a story waiting to be written,
a play waiting to be acted,
a song waiting to be sung,
is an ice cold beer waiting to be drank.

An untitled document
is a way into my soul.
But i must warn
you before you take a sneak peek….

Let me remind you of
your family
your friends
your freedom
your life.

Let me remind you that
when … if you take a look
you may never come back.

Not because you don’t want to
but because my bright and colorful soul
is just a mask
a thick deep mask.
Really my soul is mad,
Creepy
Nostalgic.

My soul is
why your mother told you
not to talk to strangers.
My soul is why you
were told to keep on the sidewalk.

My soul is an
alarming chilling thing
that you cannot  intimidate
because it'll tumult you with a look.

My soul can **** you
my soul
will keep you on your knees
my soul will have you begging
for a second and third and 100th glance

my soul is as addicting as ******.
My soul is ******.
It bubbles under fire
and you get a rush when injected

But You'll always want more until you die.
Unlit you breathe your last breath.
Until you're weak pulse flatlines.
Until the foam gargling out of you mouth finally stop.
Until your heart beats its last beat.  
Until your smile finally disappears.