dying doesn't scare me

living does

death doesn't scare me

being alone does

I love him

but you love me

and i just crave any

love

Under my ***** nails and my fake smile and my long sleeves
are my regrets and my scars glassy

eyes wishing to cry wishing
to shut for so long that they can't open back up
wishing and hoping for a blanket to hide myself in

You can be the saddest person
but you can never be the happiest
you can hope for the most and you can wish for the best
but  you can't think about the past

because the past can ruin you
the past can take you limb by limb
Finger by finger
eyelash by eyelash

and rip you apart the past can bring tears to your eyes and the past can  

can keep your heart from beating

the past is a deadly thing
the past is why it stays in the past
the past is why it's not the future and
the past is not our hope and it is not our wish.

You can love me until you hate me

but

Can you hate until you love me

Two forces cancel each other


You never notice glass until its broken

I keep wondering what left. Left your disembodied mind and what was its held in your last breath

because underneath all the blue and yellow and purple Cuts bruises and scars I find myself thinking of you trying to remember you I find myself  wondering if I could stop you I find myself filled of guilt

wishing I could turn back time or just end time

because what if
That little game your mind plays on you over and over again not knowing if it's true or not and that game that stupid little game leaving you breathless and scared

your lips were purple your skin was pale and colorless your face and fingers were ice-cold

I sat trying to hold to you trying to cling to your lifeless body and then I think back to when you said
I'm good
I'm okay
I'm fine

and I think why didn't I help you why didn't I understand

but I just turned the other way I walked away thinking someone else might help
but there was only me and I left you to drown like I gave you the knife or the rope or the gun or the pills and then walked away

I might as well giving you a ******* note stating **** yourself who the hell is going to care because nobody cares so ******* do it and then you did


so what's next nothing will go back to normal so we might as well join maybe someone you knew will give me the rope or the knife or the pills or a gun

But I'll see you on the other side where I might finally long it'll just be me and my bones no skin no blood not even a mind nothing to hurt me
where my guilt will finally be erased where I won't need to hide where I won't need to be fixed because I will already be perfect

gone and always forgotten

An untitled Document is
a story waiting to be written,
a play waiting to be acted,
a song waiting to be sung,
is an ice cold beer waiting to be drank.

An untitled document
is a way into my soul.
But i must warn
you before you take a sneak peek….

Let me remind you of
your family
your friends
your freedom
your life.

Let me remind you that
when … if you take a look
you may never come back.

Not because you don’t want to
but because my bright and colorful soul
is just a mask
a thick deep mask.
Really my soul is mad,
Creepy
Nostalgic.

My soul is
why your mother told you
not to talk to strangers.
My soul is why you
were told to keep on the sidewalk.

My soul is an
alarming chilling thing
that you cannot  intimidate
because it'll tumult you with a look.

My soul can **** you
my soul
will keep you on your knees
my soul will have you begging
for a second and third and 100th glance

my soul is as addicting as ******.
My soul is ******.
It bubbles under fire
and you get a rush when injected

But You'll always want more until you die.
Unlit you breathe your last breath.
Until you're weak pulse flatlines.
Until the foam gargling out of you mouth finally stop.
Until your heart beats its last beat.  
Until your smile finally disappears.