Embarrassed and poor
Asleep on the floor
Greed and demons
Just wanting more,
An ancient enemy
Again becomes friend
Taking the money
I don't want to spend,
Clouded by past
Time removes truth
As no one can remember
What I had to lose,
Well, I lost it all
As I couldn't fight
As I am so weak
And they are a Titan,
It started so pure
Just a button to touch
And the colourful songs
We danced and such,
But the bets went up
And the ante increased
No such luck
To the poor and deceased.
The tiny victories
Kept us fed
Surely our luck
Would outweigh the odds,
As we pressed on
So close to the win
The demons around me
Become within,
Swallowed by guilt
Self blame and self hate
This life I once loved
Became sedate.

Silence outside
Chaos within
Crisis of self
Emotional intelligence mute.

Ghosts walk by without word
Loneliness engulfs
Breaking my own heart
On my own.

She breaks too
Selfishly lick my own wounds
I don't want to die
But feel I may soon.

Hallway smiles
Deep issues denied
We fall silent, waiting for the other
To be recognised.

I walk out to the desert
To recollect and exhale
As this pain I contain
Should not be shared.

When I break, she breaks
As I am all she has
And she is all I need
Yet, I continue to bleed.

I have done nothing
And I'm all out of ideas
So I mask my pains with quick jokes
And a hundred beers.

Dying on the inside
With no way to explain
With no way to obtain
The happiness I once had.

Trying to learn in the moment
When I have already broken
I see her in pieces
But nothing is spoken.

This will not be easy
This will not be straight forward
This will be fickle and anxious
This will test both of us.

Experience with me, if you will
Delicate love and violent lust
Coordinate life with me
Bills and dishes and responsibilities.

Work for the majority
We will not see eachother
Use all the platforms
In hope the other will respond.

Days off spent reigniting
How was your week, how was mine
Locking in our past adoration
I love you, I married you, this is fine.

It is a battle, a war, a love genocide
Which we, in arms, fight side by side
For the future of love, of our love
Which no one may coincide.

We will tenaciously ignore
All attempts, all temptations
That this silly world offers
As they offer only hollow endings.

Internal struggles will test
The repoir we have manifested
Purity of heart and filth of mind
No ******* where we have nested.

It is glorious, indifferent to all else
None may dim our lustre
"Forevermore" is not just a word
It is an infallible statement we honour.

We shall grow old and weary
We'll get gross and grey and lose elasticity
But, we'll do it together
And we shall love one another dearly.

It took 40 years to find her
Don't forget, this won't be easy
But, I solemnly swear, on my heart,soul and receding hair
That I will love her until I am dead.

Evaporate and wither
Hindsight is the killer
Take a breath for certain death
Allow anxiety to simmer

Tighten breast, invisible crest
Failing to deliver
Moment spent without change
Empty pockets for the filler

Embrace love once more
To relieve the weary traveller
Break the hearts of children
Without the use of filter

Saddened by the truths
The only way to suffer
Trick the mind to find the peace
Cry with one another

Climb that ladder darlin
Let them know who's boss
Complete all expectations
Take all the money.

Do all the extras
Assist the other crews
Grind and exhaust yourself
It will all be worth it.

Welcome home
You're tired and can't be bothered
Crawl into a ball and sleep
You've only got 3 days.

I miss you and you say you miss me
But all you talk about is work
I ask you how your day was
So, we at least talk.

I see your kids
They ask how you are
I say "she's fine"
But, I don't really know.

You see people in town
You know them from work
You say hello and have a talk
And I stand there, awkwardly.

I've been here over 20 years
You've been here for 3
This was my home, but now
It seems, it's yours.

Maybe, you can have it
Maybe,  I should move on
But, I am stuck with anxiety and depression
So I'll just stand there, awkwardly.

You've never had this presence
This power of knowing the system
The strength of knowing your area
And the respect that comes with it.

I feel, you have outgrown me
Your niche knowledge and strength
I am just a feeble contractor
Working for the man, not the entity.

It won't surprise me
If you move on and leave
You're welcome for the exposure
I apologise for the grief.

Thankyou for being my first kiss
My first love
I hope you find happiness
With a man stronger than I.

Please keep all the moments
Do not regret our time
I killed myself bringing you to me
I should've went to you.

I offered you the bone
You ate the entire pack.

Disconnect.

Doom scroll
Netflix
Stare into the abyss.

I miss
The excitement of her kiss
Her embrace
Her smiling face.

The algorithm is false
Only causing distress
Only causing
Disconnect.

The silence gets louder
The more I listen
I cannot switch off
I cannot learn.

Suicidal
Just keep it to yourself
Don't make them worry
They have their own concerns.

My brain doesn't work anymore
Just exists
In a pool of its own secretion
Vinegar and ****.

Try to numb the nothingness
With alcohol and togetherness
But it just starts the fire again
I want to disappear.

Cannot find the pain
To entice the tears to make it seem
Like I am on this edge
Desensitised to it all.

Never tired but always fatigued
Sleeping sound with dreams abound...

There is something terribly wrong
Loneliness screams it's off tune song.

I want to forget
All this ******* in my head
I want to control
How I feel about it all.

I want
To disconnect.

The battle within
Made up stories
It will tear us apart
As it tears me apart
I am not myself
I cannot contain this angst
I must change
Or die in the remains
She doesn't understand
I can't explain
All just silly riddles
Inside my silly brain
I'll just keep it to myself
Just hold it deep
Just let her sleep
As the demons creep

Keep it to yourself
As no one cares.