time freezes.
i’ve been just barely hanging on for so long now
and it’s as if that final strand has finally snapped.
i’m stuck in the split second between everything being okay and everything not.
i know what i have to do.
and so i bring out my friends.
sharp, silver, small
the ones that are there for me when no one else is
and i tell them my pain, my suffering.
they validate me.
they promise me that they’ll make it all stop.
and that’s all i really want anymore.

no one notices
it’s a blessing and a curse i suppose
i’m glad that no one’s trying to stop me
but i wish that someone cared enough to try
i wish someone would notice
but that would ruin everything we’ve worked for
i’m wasting away to nothing
and even so
no one notices
this just means i have to try harder, right?
at least, that’s what ana tells me
so we go from 800 to 600 to 400
and we work so hard
but still
no one notices
ana’s all i can think about
and she tells me
“just a little more”
“people will start to care when they need to”
“you’re just not sick enough”
sometimes, in my darkest hours, i voice these thoughts aloud
and even after all of that
no one notices

i sit across from you
as if at a dinner party
but we both know that’s exactly the reason that i’m here now
you lure me in
whispering promises and secrets
“it’ll be just between us” you say to me
“after this, you’ll be beautiful”
i believe you
i start to give in, lean forward, close my eyes
no.
stop it.
they’re lies!
tears are streaming down my face
i fall back with a whimper
you’re turning mean now
“coward”
“you’ll never be pretty if you keep at this”
“you’re not worthy”
i’m shaking i’m sobbing i’m scared
i thought i was the one in control
i thought i had the power
but now you’ve stripped me of that and everything else i once was
i have nothing left now except for you
you, my porcelain savior