Still in love with the image
Yet in doubt when the clouds
Come in, move away from me
My sun sparkles blue
The ocean stays dark
A birdsong is white
It's all tattooed on me
On shoulder and back
You wanted me in a line
Without reading between mine

So much for saying
a lot without
so much at all
Except of course
that you're gonna ask
the ex-wife to buy you
a plane ticket
so you can come over
to see me
So much.

I wanted to write you
a letter and now and here
I am
in a hotel room I
suddenly
feel the freedom
have escaped again
you know my score
So
I wanted to write you
to say that
after all and still and here
I love you, my one
I'm sorry, we were
so
mad unable
to stop that
the better version of me
got a hold for
stronger or worse
yet feel all this time
to
leave your anger, my calls
allow the sun, our laughs
Rather than to forgive
I wanted to write you
How to never forget
the sounds we shared

Love, always,
your one

How my family adore cars
white with spoilers
which to me are things
completely different
Still, we like each other a lot
and they just laugh
and I just read
The girl with the books
The odd one in

and she's not ready to leave
yet although she knows
she has known for a while now
That he is her true love
Still her true destroyer
she just cannot let go
it is no masochism of any kind
it is just balancing out the pain
with the effort with freedom
with feeling lost
and finding joy again.

A sultry summer night in August.
Crickets trill and the blue pool
water calms down. The hills smell
of Oleander and she lies there.
Her bikini inviting, a vermouth
with no ice. Tempting lifetime in
California. I need help, she says.

Try to get to where
I am, he says, not a lot
better but at least you try.
And drifts off. About time to
get your act together
not ask more questions
invite, so she sleeps soundly.

And cannot remember
her dreams, the rain.
What matters is not a lot
more than no ice
than to look outside
where hills, wealth,
blue in August.

I still love you
I do
but really
not you
It's more the memory of
our love for music
our humour when love
a Saturday morning late breakfast
wondering around the city
and ending up drunk
your body
oww yes
That.

You will for always
swim out there
in the back
of my vivacity
Come to think
you are the life I had
Have now a life
I'll never known
The one we kept
in our thirties
was too free
for your olderies
What's new is old -
what's always anyway
New was your friends
telling you
I'm not your one
too independent
too travelling, you said
Old is you buying
your friends
I'm not that one
too generous
too pleasing, I'd say
What I mean is,
I trusted you and
shouted too,
I mean you
didn't want to
see me so simply
respect me
Your sense of to higher be
Left out often turns  
into turning around
A stormy sun
Insanely pretty
Come to think
you were the life I had
Have the biggest love
for you always
Here's an any way for you
Did you ever love me?
Was it all worth to you?
She got him into three rooms
one kid good job life
Hair more curly yet
You have asked about me
Cannot meet me in the street
Come to think,
I'd say yes
You'll never forget me
neither, my face lighting up
before, I see you and she -
they will make us love
always anyways.

The silver rippling of a lake
so vast she couldn't imagine
ever reaching for shore.

She plays nice weather
although her waves stir
roar around the rocks

he is when he
behaves like he does
which is not and he isn't
Finished yet.

standing in the shower until
the water turns cold
my tears stop mingling
my stomach stops aching
the heart turns polar

a schism between the lines
a fire boiling in the powder
she tries to go
along, to devise
what the others do

even when you glide
it is hard to trust the wind
around you, above you


the front door opens
puts the future on hold
she tries to move
a silence between the thoughts
a flame boiling in unsad words

the only thing I want
is to swim in the sea
she said ardently
rain shine
cool or cold
with a wetsuit though
she says apologetically
her skin so soft
wet hair in a woollen band
and her husband looks
at her proudly bringing her coat
We get restless - it's the village
you know, but we travel
and I need one trip on my own
she adds but looks at him
heartily he says
I like to be just at home

I still find you even before
we really realise each other
His lean figure jigging down the bridge
in our former harbour city
With my friends on a boat for drinks
they sense him after my stillness
loss of composure and
successful office smile
They sense him changing body
and words easy but vain
the right moment to do so
sticks and stones remember
You pass unnoticed in the mob
I return to the warmth of mine
We will never get rid of each other
But reality ever on the lookout

Out of blue
he starts talking
the first time
his father after 30 years

Starts showing me
the worn picture
shiny satin, wide sleeves,
blue 70s shirt, broad smile

Like his boy with
his golden tooth
skinny and young and
imagine he never asked

for him nor the lad
for his dad while an old bloke
starts shouting through his phone
the same time the end of the park

It's just a Saturday and this happens
when with dog, who seems
undisturbed while boy and I
act emotional sharing
with strange eyes

On the way home I take a
picture of a boy with the elephant.
Trees keep on
whispering, the rain starts
dog is happy back home.

I guess it's not about
tempting faith or not
testing fate I guess
it's more
me testing me
how far to go
figuratively - literally
I don't know
buying tickets on a high
thinking intimidation on a blue
or even confusion maybe
retrospectively
Still and all setting off
literally - figuratively
merely
assuring that answers and lucky
are nothing more than that

March days have returned yet in
a completely different light than
in other years - in former times

now traffic noise has died
while standing on my doorstep
when looking at yellow flowers

new silence
green gardens
blue rooftops

Days are long and friendless and
I really need to dive in deep
to find the memory between all

this concrete, of the ocean
a smell of salt - sounds of
seagull cries. So here I am

in silence
green gardens
near rooftops

Close my eyes on the upper terrace
knowing the buildings and for a day
all has a blue peace while birds sing

full need to leave it all behind
throughout time it'll be clear
when possible turns doable

The colours in my house
nowadays 
black towels in the bathroom
while kitchen ones in orange
midnight blue on my toenails
today is the day
for my best green dress while
my argent laptop provides me
with the best tunes of the world
so today it is
dancing on the wooden floor, like 
devils may care, crimson lacquer heels
and why not, no a silver lining setting 
these days

when growing up what you wanna be
when grown up who you want to see
perform before...well, you know.

The lines of that song
on the radio
humming along though

The smell of your perfume
next to me on the tube
breathe in even though

That one coffee in the morning
alone in my kitchen
don't think just drink

Unexpected moments
expectantly right in my face
my heart stops and
instinctively my own life
on our terms
somehow still
sensing where you are...

Does depend on the day
but the mention of his name
jolts her into a restless
alarmingish warmth
armour amour as such
Touching to note that
somehow every time - yes
so often she looks for him
on social sites or streets
where he is pictured
at a conference a corner
sauntering in that suit
Deadlocked in memories
hypnotised by appearance
between shore and ship
indeed, just like the shipping
forecast a warning predicts
the storm yet cannot foresee
the monotonous rhythm of
Hearts melting still breaking

is
to just start writing
and then
replace the I for she,
that's it.

The sky overcast
it nights invisibly
Misfortune outdoors
Melancholy indoors
Too lazy to do
Too eager to don't
Non-aligned like always
Best reachable solution
only a remote control away

Isn't it ever so funny
how he got
profoundly disorientated
for the entangled streets of Mexico
Parking him on the Plaza Mayor
while off on my own for a decent hotel
While I would lose way
for the neat streets
and straight squares of Berlin
While showing this all as a fun fact
while knowing this all a metaphor
My heart always yours
My road so never more

Why not to write
a poem a day
while the sun still out
blueing grey clouds
hunting the shine
Me into better
Insanely happy
for the artistry
of travelling entering
dreaming walking
New hights make
cogent depths
New orders mould
comfortness
The storm rumbles
And cannot thunder
by any anymore
And welds with
the sky solely

Feeling secure about being insecure

(1) Take good care of your legs.
(2) Always control your own bank account.
(3) Dress up like you go into a doctor's office
(She married a doctor by the way).

You and I
need to think
I've been avoiding
The path your shoes made
it all so visible
The bright light of your absence
I tell me it's all so palpable
the crack in your soles
a crack in my heart
the crack in our chain
Fragments of life kept
in a box that I carry next
I'm left with and yet
I step out of the house
and even now we're gone
your footprints lead my war
into a mirror of melancholy
Where I will forever find
your smiling shoes
my smiling band
our smiling eyes
the memory of better days
a memoir of the worst
I won't wear your shoes
I stand for something else
One can only choose one

Too addictive and you know
it's wrong cos resting is right
yet to continue seems better
to just drink, talk, be in the company

Too nice and you know
it's tentative cos working is right
but to create feels better
to just film, sing, be in the mood

It probably leads to nothing
nor nowhere
but what does in life
anyway

It probably leads to enjoyment
or wastement
but why not in life
waist time.

Why's there a sparkle in your eyes?

While walking, I feel a sudden pace
know the words before they come
up, all because of street signs,
parks and tumbling thoughts.
Of thinking of you. My pace
skips a beat, my words stop.
The sun shines and I hold you dear.
The rain pours and I hold you, dear.
You are in my house and I want
you there. You remedy my world
and we cook a meal and talk.
You take me to the river
and back. I have fallen.

for their 10th anniversary she
bought him a new tv set
for her 50th birthday he
a new car - wrong colour
for Christmas a ski trip
for Summer a new kitchen
everything purchased
with best wishes
for the perfect memory
for a perfectly happy day

She sits on the window sill
legs bungling outside
ivy rustling in the breeze

A look at the river
A look at the vastness
she lights up and breathes out

He should just shut up
about last Saturday
about his aversions

He knows she fears too
He saw her temper
her tears like pearls

No sound though softly
without leaving a mark
No red eyes no shame

Descend into the wavelets
Descend into the song
away from him as
they both know and unsettle

7 pm you're too sweet
picking me up from work
8 pm and a drink of course
which is always nice
with your shoulder touching mine
and looking at you is
10 pm and it was nice
11.30 pm until you threw your mattress on the floor
away from me and refusing
which is
1 am ado
6 am and I am not going there again
anymore
8 am I.am.leaving.you

Californian dreams
Of butterfly music
She sings in the shower
Of colours in the sky
People living in the sand
A riverride away from 
Angels' tears Yet once
You've dipped your toe 
In the pool you are lost 
Winter waves still sweet
She likes to settle the red
With the pink In the shade
While the elegant fragrance
Through the open windows
The rain check becomes
A sun check with him
The life of her mind
A love in her life

Wake up in the morning
Tired like the night before
Sad like the week before
Anxious like the whole month
There's shame and sadness and decline
And there's a relief that it's almost
done.

Translation of ''Voor Ari''
by Jules Deelder
[Rotterdam, 24 Nov. 1944 - 19 Dec. 2019]

Dear Ari
Don't be afraid

The world goes round
and has done since 
for ever

People can be good
People can be bad

Yet they all are on
The same roadway


The longer you live
The shorter it takes

You emerged from the water
and will pass through the blaze

Therefore dear Ari
Don't be afraid

The world turns round
and will do so
forever

I reel off a little revolution...

I reel off a little revolution
I reel off a little pretty revolution
I am no longer of land
I am back to be water
I wear creamy crest on my head
and some shooting shadows in it
On my back a mermaid asleep
and the wind well at rest
The wind and the mermaid sing
of the rustle of the creamy crest
of the falling of shooting shadows

                   So

I reel off a little pretty rustling revolution
and I fall and I whisper and sing

Winter and my love are gone
a blackbird on my roof
her fauces moving, her beak
trembling as whispering to herself.

She listens: from the faraway tree
like a knock of rocks together
a bonfire of longing, so loud
so clear and so very terrifying...
The blackbird with a cry
dives into the spring waves
so full of wildness I can hardly
endure: winter and my love have gone.

M. Vasalis (1909-1998)

|Translation and adaptation of Reisopdracht by Riekus Waskowsky|

Because when you go…

rain, an impending rain,
a storm gusts the clouds
across the land, the sand
down the roads

protect your eyes

frightened birds sail
over the sea
the sky is quickly
falling black

...recite slowly and aloud:
I love the rain
the storm and clouds
I am not afraid.

holiday hikes, jungle beds
playing princess when
with him
knowing that, loathing that
doing it - move for his heed?! -
over the rocks he feeds her
biscuits and beer
foraging they said
sugarily
he did once and
she did acquiesce
when the ocean was
in sight he stripped
his clothes of
dove in - without one keek?! -
she felt a child left out
here and now, she and the rocks
won't fall down
won't princess
since the ocean is hers
as the waves to take

Don't you trust me?
I should, shouldn't I...but I don't know how
anymore.
Then you should trust yourself a bit
more.

In a sudden silly moment
of madness
she thought she should
be able to tell the truth to
the one she loves
Flat on the table
a loud bang, his cup
jumping up from its saucer  
rolling off away
He had no intention to go
though
and she was paralysed anyway
like she is and always will be
when someone's so so mad.

I feel so close to him
See our sameness
Our madness
Yet I want to run
from responsibilities
and caresses
from guilt
and ordinary gardens
I want what is possible within
the impossible, want to feel
safe within the danger of
understanding me and loving him.

The moment she will free herself
from time and body
No longer feeling exposed
while naked on the bed
No longer feeling the clock
and worrying about dinner
She'll stop running
She'll start having a heart
She'll get what she wants.

Mistreating and cheating
and when after two years
she asks him to come and
collect his stuff
he goes all glum and blue
for having her ending
their last straw.

She was patient, waited
a lot and a long time for
him to move to her city for
him to find a job that suits for
him to learn the language or
maybe even study and turn the
world around. This sounds all
very practical, there was love
involved indeed. Really, truly.
Living together, looking for
beetles and seeing the flora
grow. Enjoying poems and
art and each other. But
she needs positivity
a person around a plane to
catch too. She cannot wait.
More than that.

This one hangs loose colours of flaking paint
the floor has trees growing through
Still full of character - Why have they
abandoned her? So crowded around
those new doors in
this newly built towns
Impeccable versus decayable
Stable versus chaos
Live means laundry on the line
Lawns neatly trimmed Spotless
furniture in line no dust
Versus death rooms deserted gardens
Clouds of dust floating
into another dimension.
Tea time - coffee to go.

Or that he comes over
after two weeks
of civilised silence
to talk about their house - their
Pretty decent and nice
whilst running out
with their dog - their
a man of straw
as she did not splinter

Going into the furniture shop
you turn left to the glass table section
I turn right to the blue velvet chairs
we meet in the middle
nice wooden bench, grey sofa
Works well for years
Adding discs and dvd's
we both like still
playing The Mac when
you're not there
and precisely that way of timing
music before 6 pm shows
who watches over whom
who wants to add a coffee table
Freedom with fear
Enough to love but not
so much so let her go.

The soundness that fell
when she let go
one that was so intrinsic
yet so uninvisible
for taken for granted
I cannot do it alone
she thought
for you were my backing
she told.

Like travelling is not escaping
a city shepherds the way
how could I be so mistaken
to think the boy
was the sanctity only
my father can give
she trusted.

Some necessary meds in the morning
call for
more necessary drinks in the afternoon
Balancing my life
because
I'm shaking anyway

When my head fails me,
I always have my feet.