I wanted to divulge
start over and say love
and I really could have
yet instead -
my nails poured into the blue
velvet of our dining chairs
my head a cloud, grey, dark,
storms around that shouted
at you and -
I really should have
saved and said
while you -
nothing, looking or
did you try anything
Don't even recall
Only the sinking
my nails in the blue
and you blaming me
not a grownup not responsible
an I-love-you would have
protected
yet instead I held
nothing more at all.

Glimmers of light
on the dining table
all set and she is
strong, tall, kind
to him. Moving
like a butterfly
setting the table
using crystal glasses
Not to impress him
it's her job she's just
fit to do. To please
him and to see him
without expecting
anything in return.

because the leaves
they rustle turn a light
wind, stroking the season
still warm enough
to dive in unripple
this brightness the calmth

a happiness
polished by so much beauty
trees surrounding the lake
circles lost in this
dialogue of sounds and colours
how many identifiers are
there to believe?
crickets are laughing, a prey bird
sleuths the satiness

a happiness
so unworldly
a gratefulness
so unearthly

that I just dive in bring  
me down back to
the lights ways to
wish on a star

I saw an albatross
and felt just happy
I saw a big vessel
and felt like crying
Woe and joy alternating
just like that

want to hear my
side of the story
or have you
made up your mind
alright?

Always wanted to be nice
to be bright, nifty too
To write a thesis on bilingualism
To invite friends, cook richly

Always wanted to be on time
openminded, sunny too
To write a full-hearted poem
To clean the house, properly

Always clothes to match
to be on time, patient too
To easy come easy go
To find myself, fully unfeeling

Now
Bring me home.

the small print that draws you in
takes you with to the clouds
the moon
wherever necessary to the dream
in and out my 170 pages
in and out your hometown
in and out a forest
the sea
the moves you made
alive on paper
alive in life
all words and feelings
fill in the missing
turn right the wrong
voices sounds smells
a touch the sun
move and growing
alive and dreaming

little flakes of cloudy breaths
from the top all the way down
Winter is beauty and bear
cold pale and pain
grey eating and drinking
So strategically dressed
she sticks to sitting outside
where the patio heater
Cannot read, concentrate
filling days with endless
songs and numberless walks
Feeling cold still no matter
there'll be birdsong without fall
Wrapped up in a thousand shawls
jewelry has different looks
On the back of an envelope
she scrawls her fears for those
bogeymonsters in dreams now
The ginger-haired guy from her
adolescence nightmares is back
Summer makes her someone else
entirely no dark on the doorstep
no bogeyguys on an envelope

Reading relevant literature
Watching film house films
AKA the accepted stuff
Not middle-of-road
Of course not
Giving you a certain mastery
Able to get ahead in life
Also because of her
following the actresses' moves
Gestures so delicate she almost believes
She is her
Leading the life
Even if that means forgetting
she is so
pretty her own legend
so smart
in her own universe
But fame and fortune might be more
interesting to display instead of
your own star your own histories
in that same universe

Even so

Putting on a lot of make up
Putting on a lot of layers
Going out does not always
brings out the best
Sitting top deck and heading into
town alone and
wondering if he would see her
and not just all she'd put on as a
gathering of all
she read memorised studied copied
considering her universe.

She dresses
heedfully walks
into town the pubs
hesitantly looks
the groups, couples
but hopefully seeks
that one single
male, female doesn't matter
with a book or just staring
listening taking live in
that she doesn't feel alone
whilst ordering seating herself
that she joins from a distance
Like she always does in town

she doesn't really stand out
although she does but then
to a selected crowd anyway
shyness for arrogance
longleggedness for presence
closeness for alliance
a need with a wish
a park on her own
a saturday at sea
waves break for her eyes
only leave every
selection behind

A sheet on the milk
A long disquisition re Game of Thrones
and whether he has seen it
or not
Her ex-boy on the street
definitely not waving
And so, we all have something
to deal with
in our first world.

with an energy only
others believe in
still can see
she cannot anymore
like before at certain highlights in
life is losing ground
at the foot of the mountain
the rain in your face is
welcoming drowning

With this music
I put on my mood
and never change a tune.

High expectations
Low self-esteem
Loud mouth
Little heart
Fatal combination
To love x life
Still some hopeful days
Left though

So, 
he does believe he's 
kinda special for
writing this script
riding his coupe
feeding her enough *****
to last till the new year

Still,
he does misfeel he's 
kinda double for
reviling her moves
ridiculing this nomadness
touching her enough times
to stay till the new year

So,
he read an ego book he's
kinda full of 
put a bottle in the fridge
after his divorce

Yet,
she finds life
less humourful than
the dialogues he's
playing with pretending

less 
rigid
less 
ruleful

What she wants to
learn without being undermined
kiss without being threatened 
laugh without being scripted. 

The new year a haven 
to those
wandering souls.

Along the Maas and
down the Binnenweg
to the pub to not meet
our used-to-be
friends cos this was
a long time ago
When I still loved you
Yet I still do love you
Nevertheless I still love you
Hence me following your tracks
our walks and all daily routines
from coffee as breakfast
to playing music all day long
The most insensitive thing to
do to myself but hey,
I've never been that good to
me anyway, have I.
Like you in a way.

Do put yourself
down, dear
The one thing you're
good at.

The other day this
friend sent her a picture
again. He calls it his
archive, she her list
of heart skips.
For reasons they're both
aware of. He's in it,
once again. So she started
to make novel lists, of her
addresses, of all states
and concerts attended. Of
all the quotes that sound.
"Meet the modern'' and feel
the sand between her toes
moves well, she might just
stay here.          For a while.
Dust will gather,
another life on standby
in a top drawer.
She kept two keys
her own tip-tongued as
his is swallowed. He'll be
in that house with her,
time again.    
                        Truth said
                        they still call
                        you mine.

she didn.t read that
much into the fact
that she.d given up
because of the better
idea not to scarper and
to feel not to cry
all she wanted was some
body to nestle next to
with sun under the clouds
how touching to know
he was there all these years
offering me more while I
was still settling for days
more than I expected
in the end is she; are we
comfortable with the world and
survivors in our happenstance

as we are.

He never apologised
when they were together
Then did once when he accused
me for being - well never mind
Maybe he actually did want to do so
But he was afraid - ashamed
Maybe he just did want to pretend
Like many of his friends
Like all of his family
who hide and don't see matters
Like it would be better to not admit
you yourself got anything to do, so
All what's wrong is not yours
And it is true of course
All that feels as guilt is
a lot for a human to bear

With him and a gala dress at the annual dinner
a glimpse into the traditional university world
outside the middle class she sprouted from
where she knows she will always belong to
no matter what face/title/necklace/gown

A road trip to the Keys
A surf course in Cantabria
A small countryside village
A cosy big city pub
And it never happened
It is so not true
in so many ways
whatever happens in films.

want to laugh a lot
want to eat the whole day
want to have five coffees
want to work part time
want to stop eating all the time
want to cry for a week
want to stop feeling desolate
want to start thinking less
want to live in a warm place for a year
want to live in a bare place for another

She lies in bed
thinks about the
torturous times
- why do sheets
always seem to
coincide with
consider, relive,
thinking too
through?
She is good at
serpentness, her
suitors said she
always seemed to  
be at best when
unkind. It is just
hard to trust one.
It is just safer to
wreck with words,
he cried.

I have never actually longed for a nice wedding
(although I've seen a beautiful black-and-white striped silk skirt once that...)
I have never actually cared for starting a family
(although I've read some wonderful children's books by now that...)
And there you are then, almost 50 which is supposedly the moment to look back on life
Which is supposedly the moment you celebrate with your husband and children
Which is supposedly the moment your career is uphill and your friends admire you
for it.
None of that. Really none.
Do I miss it? No, I do.
Do I miss out on something? Yes, I don't.

She suddenly stopped
laughing and blenched,
twisting her hands
behind her back
caught in the middle
of a rock and that place
of feeling fear and
feeling whirlwinds
of fearing the final destination
of ageing and losing
why should moments change
her past everywhere
her future to be ameliorated

I am so done
Wake up do the same eat the
same sitting in the same train
Over and over
I don't want this don't want these clothes books
phone calls friends who are not
I am hurt alone unhappy and so bored
So done
That's it, yes, done. None of it means
anything anymore
I cannot feel anymore show affection or
understand who all is still the same and you
are doing the same still.
Over and over

singing along to the radio
dancing around the house
lying next to you
curling up to breathe safely

to do the maths
or tell the tale
Growing up in harbour city
Brown flats greyer clouds
Behind every
my family
Dad x nan for character
Mum for books x music
Freedom to be me
Long legs in the evening sun
Playing with the shades
on the pavement
Looking for the likes
the place to float
the moment to run
be less conscious
thoughtful insecure
Looking at the sun
turn your face towards
to avoid the shade
Blue sea greyer skies
Not to compare
Still and all to love
Steel x ships on a river
My river.

about people who call
and
people who are being called

With a soul
that romantic
and too much
time@the telly

As easy as
difficult can be.

to use ****** cream
on your legs.
to tell your friend
you cannot wear hers
for it is not fashionable.
to own that many drawers
that only new undergarments fit.
to discuss the world
over a beautiful dinner.
That's me.

Old love on the street
Coffee to *****
Small hints, decent stabs
Still this surging fire
Indifference on the surface
a warning underneath
of true impossibility
of an awful lack of faithfulness
where falseness lies but still
smiling, knowing where this
is leading to
that street hides no coincidence
neither this quiet cafe, the hotel
all ways and again
it is his chest
tearing to his shirt
again and always

Unexpected maturity
put on me by
a decision that
had to be made
which pushed me
out to travel
which pushed you
into your martyr ship

His warm smile
His warm hands
His eloquence
and wit - shameless

His fun for life
His will to live
His choice to
no longer suffer - too long

Untimeliness leaves us with

A beer at 11,
a library card,
a face to the sun.

A lunch in Antwerp,
and Christmas abroad -
away from fuss

Dear dad, you gave it all
away you go.

I sip my tea
a glance at the newspaper
a glance at his hair
a glance at the river
Life is good
playing vinyl
playing grown up
with one's lover in
his large SW-house
no ties and no possessions
necessary to have it easy

Do you fancy a cup of tea?
Do I need to go to the postal office?
Why are my limbs so heavy?
And my thoughts even more?
When does the light kick in again?
When will I meet you?

Pictures of me when two or
three years old reveal
a little white neck stuck out
and lips pouted into
a kiss to just distract
the photographer who
still couldn't resist
this act of sweetness
from this little girl
who is just so
afraid of a camera

In that house with that man
There was a kitchen and a view
There was another moment in time
Say
another version of me
Because the real version came out
in Mexico and Argentina when
learning the language the culture eating
Dulce de leche
Dulce enough to be truly happy
Enough leche to never want to go back home
again
On the airport my heart truly hurts
A wave of black of sad of knowing
the end.

a starless night. a darkness dividing us.
the weight of the love coming down
on me thinking just having a drink.
there he, is again, comes by, different
forms and ways. so I got myself
a new tattoo.                 a white one.
one you can hardly see but hear as
it's the soundwave of my song
of all songs. about birds
wind
islands
freedom.                    an endless sea.
not even a consideration
not making it up
I'd love the new and the now
and yet memory never fades,
his power of final presence
my power to loose composure
this fight you think
you won.                 no last words
                                  for me in his final
say.

Walking backwards in my mind
digging in my heels
and eating pears

my dad the best too
taking the world 
from his shoulders
and laughing loudest

happy freckles day
thanks to mum
a curled up nose
and red hair from a box

Thinking about all the wonderful places
beautiful things treasured in my chest 
knowing I'm so so able to do
what I haven't done before

All things true
aren't lies after all

I used to like to
stay in bed but now I just
keep on walking
all over town,
to pass the time
to walk you out of my system
to see the beauty of my town
again
use that as an analogy -
Because it is too late
How I did love you
once
and how I am just hiding
now
And I keep on wondering if we
really did try -

texting your from Prague
my thoughts some pictures
and all, you
been there - years ago
Lost my cloud
needing you in Prague
my desire some doubts
and all, you
breakfast with beer
breakfast in tears

Really really wanted to
write a few
lovely lines        
about you and about
our years and
about our love
and about the blue
flowers 
you showed me
that day and
I closed my eyes
I needed to

I just don't understand
the way things go round,
the way I tick, with you
too = as in:
a simple quiet bay
should do the trick to
calm down a bit
then = as in:
the vivid light city
should play the trick to
live up a bit
love up a bit
A wildfire of views
brighten still blur
while, block
the songs in mind
the stormy sea heart
just rolled into it
I am amazing
I am aimless
But never too late
well, grand of me
life = inevitable
never know where
to clock you
===
I need love you
I love need you

I read somewhere
that a lie makes no sense unless
the truth were felt as dangerous.
I once had a best friend
told her family I made her
come with me to Madrid
told me her boyfriend
was still an ex
told him that her family
adored him
Closing her circle.

When I was little I only watched Pippi plus
a series with a wizard and his daughter
who was able to make time stop by
simply clapping her hands, saying now
I do this and time stands still. Don't
you just love the idea of being able
to be in a shop and try sweets
to be in a queue and just skip
to play your favourite song forever
to wear your dearest dress every day
To kiss you over and over and
over again.

She makes 'em up as she goes
Watching from her window
See the old lady and smile
to her sad eyes
She always smiles back, you know
it's her only contact that day.
The neighbours on the other end have
their boxes packed and moved but not all
Yeah it's tough indeed to separate.
An open suitcase left next to our building
Mens clothes all over and
MacBook cables thrown aside
I think robbery The cleaner thinks
a Latin lady threw her man out.
A good day it was. I'm fine, thank you.