She just cannot start something
and then continue
and / or finish it
A compulsion to look for newer
better faster more-r louder
All reflexes properly apple-pie
A good mood goes a long way
An allergy to keeping
All and ego interfering
desires versus capacities
very disappointing all in all
Others thought she was intelligent
The image others shape, right?
She found it in fact a short sense
of willing ambition drive...
So she started to exist for the others
and played along the intelligent line
wondering whether to feel shame / guilt
and then deciding on neither
on nothing
The trees were indeed never silent
Her energy was indeed an actual gift

Reading relevant literature
Watching film house films
AKA the accepted stuff
Not middle-of-road
Of course not
Giving you a certain mastery
Able to get ahead in life
Also because of her
following the actresses' moves
Gestures so delicate she almost believes
She is her
Leading the life
Even if that means forgetting
she is so
pretty her own legend
so smart
in her own universe
But fame and fortune might be more
interesting to display instead of
your own star your own histories
in that same universe

Even so

Putting on a lot of make up
Putting on a lot of layers
Going out does not always
brings out the best
Sitting top deck and heading into
town alone and
wondering if he would see her
and not just all she'd put on as a
gathering of all
she read memorised studied copied
considering her universe.

She suddenly stopped
laughing and blenched,
twisting her hands
behind her back
caught in the middle
of a rock and that place
of feeling fear and
feeling whirlwinds
of fearing the final destination
of ageing and losing
why should moments change
her past everywhere
her future to be ameliorated

I am so done
Wake up do the same eat the
same sitting in the same train
Over and over
I don't want this don't want these clothes books
phone calls friends who are not
I am hurt alone unhappy and so bored
So done
That's it, yes, done. None of it means
anything anymore
I cannot feel anymore show affection or
understand who all is still the same and you
are doing the same still.
Over and over

Indeed there are solutions
though temporary
and superficial
to the dark wave
the deep soul
kickshaw on dark matters
heaviness where light would be
more appropriate
Triggers, head down, keep
moving though
The trees actually
were never silent
and deepdown she is waiting
something to happen
someone who sees
A solitude her life grey skies
blue sunsets the horizon
shall always be out of reach

Glimmers of light
on the dining table
all set and she is
strong, tall, kind
to him. Moving
like a butterfly
setting the table
using crystal glasses
Not to impress him
it's her job she's just
fit to do. To please
him and to see him
without expecting
anything in return.

In that house with that man
There was a kitchen and a view
There was another moment in time
Say
another version of me
Because the real version came out
in Mexico and Argentina when
learning the language the culture eating
Dulce de leche
Dulce enough to be truly happy
Enough leche to never want to go back home
again
On the airport my heart truly hurts
A wave of black of sad of knowing
the end.