I am Judas at my own Last Supper...

I like to reminisce on the times that we never had
The long nights we would spend in each others arms
The delicate touch of your skin upon my lips
The promises I would make, but could never keep
Sand in our bed, from the beach we never visited
The song in my head, playing on the night we never had
To all of the things we never had,
To all of the things we could have been

When I saw her again standing there waiting for me; I don’t know why but I didn’t expect for her to be upset. It never occurred to me that she would still be so upset from my loss.
Seeing her again was like seeing her for the first time all over again, but it wasn’t. It was so much more, there was the excitation and rush of our first meeting yet it was mingled with all the love and shared memories added in to it. It hurt cut to my heart, wrenching my insides to see even the slightest slither of pain upon her face.
We walked and we talked and joked about the old times and we acted as if everything was ok, and pretended this wasn’t about to happen. But as we sat there eating dinner at the restaurant we always over order at; I swear I was shocked by her beauty, tears loomed in my eyes as I thought, as I did the first time I saw her ‘this is the most beautiful person I’ve seen in my life’. Right then I wanted to take her hand and never let it go and as we walked back to her car and smoked our last cigarette all I wanted to do was hold her close and never let her go. But I had to; for I knew that if I didn’t, I never would. And who knows where that would have led. Either my eternal happiness, or her never ending misery. The hardest choice I ever made was to walk away from the one who never hurt me.

You loved me, and I loved you
When I could not stand the face I saw in the mirror
Through every forced smile
When my mind was full, and my thoughts were dark
You loved me, and I loved you
When I used to second guess every word I spoke
Through the sleepless nights
When I dreamt of terrors, and I had no hope for the future
You loved me, and I loved you

You ask me; why am I afraid of love?
Because time and time again I’ve seen what it does to people.

Would I do it all again?
Absolutely

“Will you save me?” I asked.
“From whom?” They replied.
“Myself”
“There’s only one person who can do that, and he is not me” replied the man in the mirror.

I know what you want from me...
I know how you want me to tell you that when I look into your eyes, my heart sinks through my stomach.
I know you want to hear of how I am heart sickened from your absence.
I know you need to hear my words, the reassurance that I care for you, more than I ever care to admit.
I know you need to know what lies truly within my heart.
But...
I know you will never read this, so as we lay next to each other as I’m writing this,
I know I will leave these words here, for everyone in the world but you.

It’s 4 a.m again,
I crawl back into my room again,
I swore tonight would be different,
But here I am, yet again...
The night seemed so dark,
But I fear the sun coming up again,
I open up a beer, again
I light another cigarette, again
I’m losing control of my thoughts again,
I want this pain to stop
Sleep alludes me, again
Will I ever break this cycle?
As I am sitting alone in my room thinking...
It’s 4 a.m again.

I once read that life is a present we did not ask for, but is too valuable to give up
So tell me,
If I never asked for you, is this the reason why I only feel alive when I’m with you?

I will bury it, for as long as I can.
It will remain hidden, in the depths of my heart,
Longing to get out,
I will drown it in smoke and bourbon,
It’s here again.. at the forefront of my mind
That feeling I get, when I look into your eyes.
If I knew failure was not an option,
I would give it all to you,
How do you go on, when you know you have to end the thing you wish would last forever?

I will keep you here, in my memories
When I look upon the full moon, or the starry skies,
I will remember the brightness in your eyes, whilst the tears fill mine,
When I feel the sun kiss my skin, and the burn that it brings,
I will remember the soft touch of your hand, and the sadness it brings,
When I hear the birds singing, alone or in pairs,
I will remember my unworthy hand, running through your hair,
When the pain from loving you is gone, and my heart begins to mend,
I will continue to lie to myself, carry on and pretend that..
When I think of you, it doesn’t hurt me still
I will keep you here, in my memories.

Surely, in my darkest hour, you were there
Always watching, cold and impassive stare,
Dutiful to the end, you have never left me
Now the only thing I can see,
Everlasting cold in the darkness,
Shadow in the light
Sadness my friend, I love you by my side.

Will you love me,
Love me like those nights you forgot I existed?
That’s all the love I will ever need from you now..

I can’t remember when it started again
But I no longer remember how to smile.

I’ve forgotten the taste of a good meal,
the joy of the morning breeze,
the feeling of waking up with purpose.

I walk, but I have no direction,
I sail, with no wind behind me,
I drive, but my tank is empty,
I run, but I wear bricks for shoes.

There is nothing to console me now,
no road I can walk,
no path I can take
               I am lost
               I am changed
               I am...     gone

You were the answer
that made me forget all of the questions.

Now you are gone
there’s nobody left to explain why..

If life were in fact defined upon the choices we make, I would remember.

If it were my soul and my love for you at stake, I would remember.

If the darkness were to come and the light drew dim, I would remember.

If I were to stand face to face with death and survival looked slim, I would remember.

If you forget me and all that we have done, I want you to remember.

If I was as wise as I was foolish..
I would have known I was wrong.

I wish you could hear my silence...







But it would appear.. love has fallen on deaf ears

You looked into my eyes
And saw yourself looking back,
You corrupted me, wholly, fully until your demons were my own..

Yesterday was a dream
Our lives were ours to share
Unlimited in the moonlight

Climbing without a care
A rose that grew threw concrete
No one promised love was fair

Now I wait below the stars
Out I go to search for air
The love we have is different now

Like it’s tainted, not so rare
Everything is changing
As my heart begins to tear
Vacant is your heart
End... our love affair