What did I do to deserve this?
I died and no one was there
Perhaps a gentle knowing
Foretold the ending of despair.

Cocooned in a velveteen darkness
A peignoir of shimmering stars
A constellation of good nights
Echoed from afar

I but not I
Crawled on all fours
Over pillows of stone, then
Laid on a bed of time
Above me the pine
Silhouetted on a black canvas sky
Has the baby bird earned its wings?
When finally able to fly.

I but not I
I am the pine above me
And the ground where I lie
And the darkness that surrounds me
And the void into which I died

I but not I
Am you
The self of all selves
Am I
And the magpie and the fly.

Still the night
Alienated from the day
Still the mind
Alienated from the thought
Still, and
If you’re very quiet
You can hear the night reply
With a whimper and sigh-
Dreams are meant for dreamers.
Tis the nights’ lullaby.

And as I gazed upward
Infinity split inside me-
Just to go where it wants to go
Just to be what it wants to be.

My God, I’ve been blind
But now I can see.

The morning unclutched
Its clenched claw opened
The violet flame transmuted
Yesterday’s debris fueled the fire
Leaving space
For desire.
Pressing a memory foamed mind
To the edge of the bed
Elusively remembering the night
The depression you sank into
Worn without regret
Worn familiar from
Many nights before
Foam caging the day
Like clay.

New feet  
New hands to show the way
You are the way-shower
I will follow you
If you show me the way.

These days
Was it something in the air
Rancid spite of the right  
Or the self-proclaimed hubris
Of every self-proclaimed guru
Of certainty turned onto its left side
Two camps had pitched their tents
On opposite sides of Main Street
Rooted in the traditional
With a propensity for being right
Missionaries for some diva god
Who has come to save the planet
Kryptonite is dynamite
We’ll only use it if we need to:
Blow up the people
In order to save the world

Although they deny they’re on a mission
When they’re in remission
Hear
The bombastic roar of broadcast rhetoric
Scripted with a very felt pen
All armchair generals
Arguing with a passion
Dare not felt for one another
“I can figure out the world
But you, Sir
I have a problem with.”

The streets emptied of nonconformity
Littered and poised with positioning
Salvos of so-called sanity
Fronts and flanks
In every shade
But grey
Postings on every corner
Foot soldiers of the faithful
Rallied in like-minded circles
For comfort and confirmation
Aplomb with understandings grasped
No room for namby-pamby
Wishy-washy
Confirmation bias
Only hearing what you want
Fire if necessary.
**** what you cannot agree on
Ignore what you cannot understand.

Choice was not an option
Backed into a corner
Conformity was
Comfortable as a worn recliner
Recliner beware and be bothered
We’ve been here before
Do you remember
Words, words, words
And sticks and stones and all of that
Was never true
Every politician worth his salt knew
Speeches that sear by fireside
Emblazoned by passions ignited
And smolder in the light of day
A Colosseum of coifed gladiators
Spectators raise a sword
And toast the spoils.
Bittersweet.
Now
Words avow
Ammunition packed in a pistil
To go
More powerful than the splitting of the atom
Is the splitting of minds.
  
When it doesn’t feel right.
And you know it’s not right
Because that’s the way it feels
And feelings never lie
But people do.

A world-weary of war games
What kernel of dubious truth
Do you separate from the chattering chaff?
And cling to
Not this
Not this
Not that

Feelings
The riptide of dissension
Tearing at heartstrings
Tearing the tents apart
Mars on a rampage
Venus in an iron cage

And in the quiet of night
A respite from being right

The
Homeless & disenchanted
Walked the dark streets alone
Pitched a solitary tent
And spent the night
Under the stars
And dreamt of peace
and beauty.

With your back to these walls, Grace
You can maybe find what you’re looking for
Yourself, that is
Leaning forward to where you’re going
On such a strong-man structure
To lean on
Tell me why then, Grace
Are you still lost?
You say
No, prissy blabbering
Emotionally soaked
Out of control
Tendencied impresario
However forward leaning
Grabbed your pathetic existence
Straight shots stilled from your
Continuous frame of reference
In high definition modality
Captivating you and you and you and you
Completing the picture perfectly
Until there was you.

Yes, so true, but
Would you mind
Standing a little to the left
Of what’s left of me
The light just isn’t right
It doesn’t flatter from that
Angle of circular momentum


Your designer jacket and collection of silk scarves
Complete me
Darling, don’t you look so swell beside me
I should stay
And make you pay
For all that you have done to me
And if it weren’t for **** there wouldn’t be tats
Or tots
Babe
And if it weren’t for feet
There wouldn’t be boots
Maybe that’s what I am.

Hush
Leave me alone
I’m processing
How hard it is
To maintain a closet full of designer clothes
And you can see how they’re so me
And they keep
Me & My Walls safe
From being naked in front of you.

I’m dying and you won’t talk
I’m dying
And you won’t play
I’m dying
And you won’t fight
And I’m dying
And you want to remain a victim

Shot calling
Control freaking
Maniacal
Meanness.

Me & My Walls
Are putting up
Patterned wallpaper
Firstly
Meandering among the waves and tiles
Grace prefers ginghams
I’m thinking herringbone
With a splash.
For distance
And visual acuity
So, go away and you will know
True control.

I passed through hell
On this dizzying journey
And hell, well
The fires there
Shed profuse light
On the darkest parts of my soul
It was quite a trip
Illuminated by contrast
I saw the devil brake-dancing
With an angel on high
The angel had just
Come from an AA meeting
With God
Where God bestowed the title
The devil was quite a rascal
He had fallen from Grace
Grace was not who he was looking for
Disillusionments abound
On this end of town
As it turned out
She’s perfectly fine
A chiseled china doll
But Grace doesn’t live here anymore
Grace is an open door
And yours is shut down tight.
The shows over.
Say Goodnight Grace.
Goodnight Grace.
It’s time to go.

When you hide, you seek
On the day I became Jesus
I let the sun shine
The grass grow
The music play  
The crows crow and
And the babies cry.
Oh Sweet Jesus Jezebel
How strange can it be
How ordinary to
Get out of your own way
He said
"There's nowhere to go
And nothing to do."
You asked
"Who’s at bat?"
I answered
"I already told you.
No one."
I’m not sorry for being Jesus
And you shouldn’t be either
If you think it’s broken
Give it to me
I’ll fix it
With my omnipotent powers
But, listen to me Now
How Can You Fix What’s Never Been Broken?
You’re hiding in plain sight.

I remember Mama
When the primal scream
Was all the rage.
Ironically and quite literally
Past the somberness and nervousness
You felt
At my unwelcome birth
As I took my first
Battered baby breath
Bursting baby life, once again
Cradle the crib that rocks
Cradle the baby that walks too soon
And talks too little
Cradle the crescendo of emotional wreckage
To follow
As baby after baby
Took its emotional toll on you
Cradle a lifetime of wanting
Looking in every lost and found
For you

This is the conversation continued
Distilled with candor
Comported with clarity
Time has imparted
More real
Less resentment

I can see now
Your displeasing wasn’t personal
Even as it felt that way to me
My gains may have been small
But they were big to me

So many years have come and gone
I’ve learned once again to stand on my own
Yet still, I question if that’s true
I guess in some ways
We were alike
Me and you
But,
There were so, so many differences

I lived tucked away
In ephemeral world of ideas and thoughts
So many books
So many mysteries.

Not by choice
Headfirst, I came in that way
You lived in the world of 3d-
Kids, diapers, doctors and such-
Yes, I know how it sounds
But you would be wrong
I was never a snob
I wanted to share everything
You didn’t want to know anything
You never asked
And I never offered

I needed you to paint me with the colors of love
And not the color of green
I needed you to love
Not envy me
To make me right not wrong
For being me
And not you.

I needed you to see me.
This though
Through the eyes of love.

I needed to forgive you
To forgive me
For all the resentment I felt.
And I wanted to say
In my own way
I am grateful that I
Chose you to be
The mother in me.

And I cried
When I wrote this poem
Because it was
So close to home.

Down, down, down I went
Like Alice on the rebound
Perchance, said I
Down, down, down I wept
Like Lucy in the sky
NoTime to think about it
NoTime to ask why
Is there even a shred of love
Lost?
A LostLove  alibi
Quite honestly,
I’ve NoTime to cry
And if I’m being quite honest
Which I don’t know if I am
It was quite a rush, but hush
It wasn’t a wabbit I chased
Or a well into which I fell
But a feeling that I have never, ever felt
While tumbling down the back stairs
Out of a dream, it seems
I kept falling
Deeper and deeper  
I fell
Where and then and there
I thought
How unfamiliar
How dreamlike, it was
Then I paused in mid-flight
Waiting for a hammer to strike
We were so alike
Would I find
Would I find myself
On the shelf
Besides
A jar of disembodied hearts
Teetering on the high
Impossible to deny
Up there and then
a talking, out of character story
Perhaps the mad hatter
or simply mad as a hatter
am I
Which of course couldn’t be me, you see
I suppose it could be I?
Could be or not
Maybe my lie is a lie.
How much deeper could I fall
Where and then and there
Would I
How to know you know
How much deeper
Did the NotWell
go?

Go, go, go
Said I
Before I died.
Not sure my words
Like bad little soldiers
Complied.
Staying true to the moment
In time.
Means NoTime at all.
I may be the sanest person I know.
Yes, I believe that’s
True
Even if it’s a lie
If the shoe fits
I may have found my prince
(At the ball)
And it may not be
You.
After all.