Let me in,
I want to touch the deep depths of your soul.
These are but words on paper, like broken glass in a bowl.
Yet I desire to graze upon your mortal essence,
Show me the path to your very substance.
Let me wine and dine in your consciousness.
Let me in,
I want to feel you, not physically.
Spiritually.
Emotionally.
Let me in.
I want to see the magnitude of your core.
Caress your heart like never before.
Let me into your personal atmosphere.
Show me who you hold dear.
Show me what you fear.
Show me the burden you bear.
Let me in,
Let me hold you in my arms with nothing but my words.
Let us adjoin from our different worlds.
Let down your guards.
Let me in.
What moves you?
What behooves you?
Let me see it in your eyes as I speak.
Show me what it is you truly seek.
What really gets you to break?
Let me in.

How do I beat loneliness?
It follows me around like a dark cloud.
It's dark and filled with sadness.
It makes no sound but it's really loud.

It brings me so many tears.
It leaves me feeling so worthless.
It's been so many years,
Filled with emptiness

No one sees me.
I seem to be invisible.
No one here, just me.
Loneliness seems to be invincible.

It's like I'm hardly living.
I'd choose death over this any day.
How can God be so unforgiving?
How can I live this way?

Please, how do I beat loneliness?
I'm slowly fading away into nothingness.
I am one with the emptiness.
"Hi, nice to meet you. I'm lonely"

I'm inlove with you, Death.
I can't stop thinking about you, Death.
I wish you'd come for me.
Rescue me,
From the prison of life.
It's filled with nothing but pain.
Negative thoughts.
Self limiting beliefs.
Death, you seem like my savior.
My only way out.
Death, you shall be my hero.
You shall save me,
From myself,
From eternal sadness,
From self pity,
From feeling like I'm not good enough,
Like I don't matter.
Dear Death, if you're reading this,
Please come from me.
I will welcome you with open arms.
I will dwell in your house till judgement day comes upon us all.
I will embrace your darkness.
For my fragile heart knows no light.
I am trapped in melancholy.
I can't break free.
God hears others but not me.
I will take cover in your shelter,
As I look down upon those I once loved.
I will give my meaningless existence to you.
You will be my purpose,
My destiny.
Please save me.
I will give you my last breath.
You can have my heart,
For all eternity.
I will be yours and you will be mine.
I belong with you,
Not here.
Not in this circus of a world.
It is cruel.
I want to be by your side.
Not here, all by myself,
With no one to lean on.
I will give you my all.
I am yours for the reaping,
I am ripe and ready for your harvesting.
I surrender to your mercy of an eternal slumber.
Let me close my eyes forever.
I know not why I was created.
Maybe it was for you.
Please be mine.
I shall be your bride.
And you my groom of darkness.
I may never find happiness,
But at least I'll have you.
My prince of darkness.
I cherish you.
Every time you come for others,
I can't help but wish it was me.
I eagerly await my turn,
To be one with you.
I want to marry you, Death.
I want to dance with you, Death.
I'm in love with you, Death.

I want to cry out for you.
Scream out your name.
Over,
And over.
Until you hear me.
Through these thick walls.
Until you feel the void,
You left in my world,
In my heart.
I need you.
Only you.
Please love me.
Please.
There's so much life,
I wanted to experience with you.
Only you.
What if I said,
I couldn't live without you?
Would you watch me die?
Couldn't breathe without you,
Would you watch me grasp,
For every last bit of air?
Or would you love me?
Maybe I feel too much.
Maybe I can live without your touch.
Without the sound of your voice.
The taste of your lips.
I don't want to.
Please.
Love me.

His love
His love
It is magnificent

It is made of pure gold
A  beautiful story untold
We let it unfold
Let it overflow

He is the closest thing to perfection
He fulfills my every satisfaction
Exceeds my every expectation
He sees beyond my every imperfection

This is real love filled with doses of passion
Love that never grows out of fashion
Love filled with dashes of compassion
Love that never demands any kind of compensation

He loves me
He adores me

When we make love, the earth quivers
My body trembles, it shivers
While he is rock hard and climbs me like a mountain
As I erupt like a bottomless fountain

Yes, he makes me ******
Winds my body like a sax
Love racing through my core
As I beg him for more and more
Of his love

I've never truly felt anything like it
Never really seen anything like it
It feels unreal
Like a delightful dream

I pray this never ever ends
Not just lovers, but two best friends
I love everything about him
Nothing I'd ever change about him

His smile is majestic
His laugh is poetic
His emotions are authentic
His body is magnetic

It draws me in
It locks me in
His touch, so smooth
His ambition filled youth

Everything about him shouts love
His love
Is magnificent

Being with him feels so natural
Being around him feels so magical
It's like I'm in a film sequel
And he is my equal

He's become apart of me from limb to limb
A soft kiss from me to him
Stolen glances
My soul dances
To the rhythm of his heart beat
He's my favorite song on repeat
Never misses a beat

Never fails to excite me
Happiness is him beside me
Peace is his arms around me
Love is him inside me

I love him
I adore him

His love
His love is different
It is magnificent

Maybe it will always be just me.
Maybe that's how it's meant to be.

My brother, a slave to drug addiction.
I wish I could save you.
From the plague of perdition,
That you drag yourself through.

I pray for your salvation.
I hope to see your resurrection so long overdue.
I wish you freedom from substance suppression.
Liberation from the demons that torture you.

May you break free from the dark cloud of self-destruction.
I long to see the real you again.
Free from your tribulation, your affliction.
I wish you never again feel unbearable pain.

You put your body through endless torment.
You try to numb the agony you feel in your heart.
I wish you would choose to live each and every moment.
Whether ease or discomfort.

I find myself at a loss for words,
As I witness the hopelessness in our mother’s eyes.
It is as if we dwell in different worlds.
The sorrows you pile upon us tell no lies.

I wish I could save you.
I wish I could save our family from the shame.
I hope one day you will see what we see in you.
A cold-blooded monster. Surely, you are not to blame.

It is the reality we were forced to embrace, a misty dew of throes.
It could have been me,
Who surrendered to wreck and woes.
Without doubt, it could have been me.

I too, know the pain of feeling unworthy and unloved.
Surely, there is still hope in a mother's unconditional love.

My demons
They consume me
My body, mind and spirit
No living being could ever comprehend
I could scream at the top of  the highest mountain
Bringing out my loudest vocal cord
No one will hear me
Even God Himself
The one who created me
He can’t save me
I don’t have control of my own thoughts anymore
Another force has taken over my life
I pray to God
And the dead
To help me
Save me
Lead me into the light
All I see is the darkness
I lay awake all night
Staring into these walls
As if they have the answers
The split second I fall asleep
I see them
Things I don’t want to see
Things of the darkness
Save me!
Somebody
Anybody
Please save me!
From my mind
From the pain
From the confusion
These demons
They demand my attention
I fear the unknown
I see the unseen
Blurry visions of the future
Encrypted dreams of the past and the present
That I can’t interpret
I wake up in a new body
Day by day
I can feel my being drifting from my soul
Day by day
Make it go away
I want to feel like a person again
I want to feel love and respect

My hatred for you consumes me.
I hate you for what you did to me.
It is not just what you did,
It is how you did what you did.
As much as I can try to understand why you had to.
The way that it broke me is the reason I can't forgive you.
But me not being able to forgive me feeds on my soul.
The way that you ended things was foul.
You said that your love for me had diminished.
Those words had my heart and my whole being finished.
It was as if you ripped me apart.
I am still picking up the pieces of my heart.
The ones that you left behind.
I still can't fathom this in my mind.
You left me. Broken pieces and all.
Tears falling down my face and all.
You broke me. All the love and loyalty I gave.
I had no choice left but to cave,
To this sudden decision you had made.
How did your love for me just fade?
Was it ever there to begin with?
Or was your love for me just a myth?
You ended me. As much as I hate to admit it,
You took everything from me and left me in a dark pit,
A dark pit of despair and guilt.
Everything we had built,
Had crashed in front of my eyes.
All this because of your lies,
Your lies about loving me forever.
I watched that get washed in the river.
It is like you were even there.
I regret the day I met you with every shed tear.

Stripped off my identity
Taken from my own sanity
Is this a rebirth?
Cause it feels more like death
Who am I?
What am I?
My spirit has too grown weary
My heart too heavy to carry
Soul drifring far away into despair
This doesn't seem fair
Where is my sun light?
I have lost my own sight
Holding on with the tip of my finger
How much longer will my essence linger
In this dark, cold dwelling
I long for smooth sailing
For peace and serenity
I want my identity along with my sanity

He finds joy in bringing me down.
He likes nothing more than to see me frown.
He takes pleasure in my tears.
It's been this way for years.
He abuses me emotionally
He hurts me intentionally.
Calls me fat and all types of names.
He likes to play these awful games.
He likes to cause me pain.
I reckon it keeps him sane.
To see me bleed internally.
He won't see my hurt externally,
But deep inside it burns like hell fire.
He's a cheater and a blatant liar.
He likes to see me down on the ground.
And he'll kick me further down without a sound.
I never truly realized it until now,
But it's like he wants me dead somehow.
He is my lover.
But I guess it's over.
I guess so because he doesn't love me anymore.
Not like he used to before.

My pillow.
It's wet with grief and sorrow.
Tears from the night before.
Eyes swollen and sore.


My pillow knows no drought.
Cry myself to sleep without a doubt.
My pillow knows no happy tears,
Only weeping prayers.


My pillow has absorbed an entire ocean.
Every last emotion,
Flows from my heart to my pillow.
No one will ever know, except my pillow.

I hope grace locates you,
And never leaves your side.
I hope you continue to shine,
And never cease your light.
May God bestow his best blessings,
Upon you and yours,
And continue to bless you,
For all eternity.
May darkness fear your presence,
And the light be ever comfortable in your existence.
May you never again feel pain.
I hope you find peace so pleasant,
That you continue to dwell in it,
For all eternity.
May you never again feel the grasp of grief,
Nor the frustration of failure,
Nor fear.
Nor the sting of shame,
Nor despair.
May the cloud of sadness abandon your side forever,
And that of happiness accompany you to the grave.
May joy be your daily bread.
May bliss be your every day song.
May your heart be filled with love,
So unconditional it prevails,
Against all odds.
May you be protected against all evil.
May the devil tremble at your feet.
May the angels shelter you under their sacred wings.
May your wildest dreams come true,
Better than you have envisioned.
May you never lack.
May your pockets never run dry,
For generations to come.
I wish endless abundance upon you.
I wish boundless prosperity upon you.
I declare everlasting wealth and health, upon your life.
May the world see God's graciousness, through you.
And let them follow your righteous path,
For you stayed true.
You fought valiantly.
You showed perseverance and courage.
And for that,
I hope grace locates you,
And never leaves your side.
I hope you continue to shine,
And never cease your bright light.
May God bestow his biggest blessings,
Upon you and yours.
And continue to bless you,
For all eternity.

Amen and amen...

A life growing inside me
I don't want it
I don't need it
Not yet Lord
Forgive me for I'm about to sin
Thank you for your gift
But sadly, I'd like to return it please
Not because I'm ungrateful
Not because I don't respect life
But not now
Please not now
Age says i'm ready
My body says i'm ready
But I am not
I can't do it
Bring a human to life?
Nurture and care for her?
Not now
Love her and provide for her needs?
Console her when she cries?
Tell her it will be alright?
Hold her till she falls asleep?
Not now
Forgive me Lord
For I am about to sin
I am about to send this life
You have gracefully placed in my womb
Back to the heavens to be with You
I think You will take better care of her
Than I ever will

Ubuhle bakho took my breath away
Your smile hypnotized me
Amehlo wakho rocked my world
Your sweet voice made the earth move
It was on that day
Ngala suku when I first laid eyes on you
Such beauty
Such charm
Such exquisiteness
Skin so fair it glittered
I swear on that day
Ngala suku as your feet touched the ground I heard the angels cry
I was marveled by such style
Such class, such excellence
My heart leapt in excitement
As I adored your elegance
Your lips had me enchanted
So soft, so sublime...
I couldn't believe my eyes
It felt like a dream only it was in bright daylight
I swear on that day
Ngala suku I saw the sun smile at your angelic face
A body so divine, well-refined
Ravishing, breath-taking, just splendid
I saw the clouds follow you as you paced in a rhythm
The day brightened as your I felt your presence
I swear on that day
Ngala suku even the trees and the birds were astonished by your striking image
Your brown eyes mesmerized me
Your aura, your aroma, your walk...
Captivated me
I swear on that day
Ngala suku I saw God's most artistic design
A splitting image of supremacy
I've never seen such perfection
Except for on that day
Ngala suku when I first saw you

i don't want to give up,
most times i desire to.

i believe in myself,
not really.

i want to keep trying,
yet i don't really want to.

i want to live,
yet part of me doesn't really want to.

it's either or.
i'm constantly fighting for neither, nor.

i am neither there,
nor here.

i have the strength,
i'm also truly exhausted.

i have the faith,
yet i doubt everything.

i have what it takes,
yet i refuse to believe that at times.

i am happy,
yet unexplainably sad.

all these people around me,
yet i feel so alone.

what a cliché,
it's all been said before.

i am good.
seems i am not good enough.

i am brave as a soldier,
yet most nights i feel so afraid.

so afraid that i sleep with the lights on,
to eliminate the black fog that consumes my soul.

it smothers me,
like a grim mist, from dusk til dawn.

i don't even know what frightens me so much,
the demons and monsters are only in my head, nothing under the bed.

i want to drink ale and sleep my sorrows away, forget it all,
yet i want to stay sober and awake to experience it all.

i'd like pills that numb all these emotions,
yet i want to embrace all these moments.

at times i wish for an eternal slumber, i wonder why i was even born?
yet i wish to appreciate the life so freely given.

i am calm and collected,
yet anxiety eats away at me in the dark.

night by night,
bit by bit.

i'm scared soon enough,
there'll be nothing left.

no body, no bones.
just dust and broken thoughts.

unwritten words,
unsaid feelings.

lost forever,
forgotten.

i hope they will discover,
that it was anxiety who did it.

anxiety and her companion, depression.
some will call it overthinking.

little do they know,
what the pair is capable of.

how do i strike a balance?
stuck in different dimensions.

one positive Peter,
the other, negative Nelly.

drifting back and forth,
feeling up, falling down.

swimming,
then drowning.

i yearn to dwell in the light,
yet i prefer the darkness.

seems my life is an oxymoron,
it's pretty ugly.

yet another cliché,
maybe i'm the *****.

maybe i don't see,
what's right in front of me.

a perfectly imperfect existence.
an unstable balanced mind.

maybe i am overthinking.
maybe i am normal.

Here lies a fallen brother, father and husband.
As we bury him six feet under the warm sand,
And overlay his body layer by layer,
We say this poignant prayer:
"May his soul bear boundless bliss.
May his magnific memory manifest under the sun's kiss.
Lest we forget how his life he sacrificed.
May his spirit be forever sanctified.
There is no greater glory than falling in battle.
The life of a battler so bare and brittle.
May he find comfort in his last resting place.
The fallen hero of the human race.
God bless this man's mortal soul here where he lies.
May he be released from all tangible ties,
And enter into his everlasting safe haven.
Here lies an addition to the armies of heaven.
His vocation is concluded here on earth.
And now he must reunite with his fallen brothers in death.
Until we meet again Ben.
Amen and amen. "

Corona virus
From China, to Italy, to Spain and even Cyprus
You meneaver through cities, through countries and continents
Whether servants, residents or even infants
Everyone is at risk, I have to admire your competence
I weep for those in denial still showing signs of ignorance and resistance
A killing machine is what you are, your excellence
You demand the whole world to bow down to you or suffer in abundance
Your bring chaos in each of your movements
You have the universe in lock down in small compartments
This is by far one of  God's greatest punishments
Whether you came from bats, cats or rodents
You are deadly and us your weakest opponents
You have every soul trembling at your name, shaking parliaments
I truly, truly admire your commitment
To end all life possible, whether civilian or reinforcement
We witness a global crisis and fear of sky high unemployment
While we lack hope, excitement and enjoyment
Many face retrenchment and bouncing cheques for monthly installment
Whilst the economy is devoured through travel ban and no trade arrangement
Whilst our currencies grow weaker and weaker to our detriment
Whilst the poor die in out patient
You continue to punish and torment
Because you find it so convenient
Whilst we have no words left of encouragement
Beating you would be our greatest accomplishment
Women and children praying for victory and enlightenment
Yet the rising number of cases and deaths their daily discouragement
Each day ends in despair and disappointment
Each day you take life with no regret or sentiment
Dear God, please forgive us for sin and infringement
Give us this day to lament and repent
Let this not be our final days of judgment
Deliver us from the Corona virus
May we be free once again and prosperous
Please, don't let this destroy us
We plead for your mercy, please don't ignore us
You God, are our last hope to salvation
Save us, let us once more taste liberation
We promise to cherish it and never show deviation
From your path, your commandments and regulation
We promise to stay true and abide to your interdiction
We are your children and forever in need of your protection
Please let us live and fulfill your expectation
We cry out to you as a nation
May our tears fall into your arms of understanding
Your love is faithful and everlasting
May we remain among the living
Surely, our crimes are worth forgiving

"Our father who art in heaven
Hallowed be thy name
Thy kingdom come
Thy will be done on earth as it is in heaven
Give us this day our daily bread
And forgive us our trespasses
As we forgive those who trespass against us
Lead us not into temptation
But deliver us from evil
For thine is the kingdom
The power and the glory
Forever and ever
Amen "

I miss you.
But my pride,
Will never let me reach out.
My ego,
Will never let me tell you.
My feelings are strong,
But my dignity is stronger.
I hope you are well.
I know pride has got you by the neck as well.
Maybe we are meant to be.
We will never know,
Will we?
Because we are so alike.
I am proud.
And so are you.
I chose pride over my feelings.
So do you.
I don't know where I stand with you,
So I assume.
So do you.
Me and you are perfect together.
But only without our egos.
I'm not willing to let go of my vanity.
Neither are you.
So where does that leave us?
Nowhere.

I believe you will rise again.
Against all odds you shall reign.
It's not over. Not yet. Not now.
Reclaim your throne so they can bow.
You've been to hell and back.
You've fallen off track,
More times than you could ever count.
A million times you've been burnt out.
Your soul is exhausted beyond measure.
You have lost all you used to treasure.
Chin up.
Show up.
Rise again.
You deserve nothing but to forever reign.
Don't fall prey to the hurt and pain.
Your demise is how they gain.
It's what they want to see.
Your ashes scattered across the sea.
But you are stronger than that, aren't you?
You won't give them that satisfaction, will you?
No you won't.
Not in this lifetime you won't!
You won't because you will rise again.
No matter what comes your way, you will reign.
All hail!
All hail!
She has risen again!
She is here to reign!
Here they stand before your feet.
Your friends and foes gathered in one fleet.
Those who wished for your self destruction.
Are here for your new introduction.
The one who has risen again.
Long may she reign!

It hurts.
It burns.
Every day.
In every way.
I cry about it.
Obsess over it.
Night by night.
Against my might.
It cuts deep.
I can't fall asleep.
You don't see me.
Why can't you see me?
Will you ever see me?
Like I see you?
I see you.
More than you'll ever know.
In my dreams.
My thoughts.
In my memories.
I see you all the time.
I can't stop.
Seeing you.
I wish you saw me,
Too.
What would it take,
For you to see me?
What do I have to do?
For you to see me?
I'd do anything.
For you to see me.

Self-healing
Self-awareness
Self-discovery
Self-discipline
Self-love
Self-acceptance
Tis all about self
It all begins with thy self

Selfish
Self-sabotage
Self-harm
Self-destruction
Low self-esteem
Self-disbelief
Tis all about self
It all ends with thy self

Spirit take the lead
Let my heart no longer bleed
Save me from falling
Make known my calling
I long for peace
For this heaviness to cease
I long for salvation
Unlock my revelation
Let me suffer no longer
Let me grow stronger
I remain faithful
I try to be grateful
Full of contentment
I show commitment
When do I get to break free?
Release these chains from me
They are tight, they burn
Reveal the light, I yearn
Spirit, take the lead
I sincerely plead
I need your guidance and understanding
I long for abundance and a happy ending
Spirit are you there?
Do you even care?
For me and my deepest emotion
Do you see my depthless devotion?
Lead me
Feed me
Send me deeper and deeper
Until the day I meet death's reaper
Surely you are forever at my side
It's in you I confide
Spirit, take the lead
I plant this seed
From here on now, you are mine
I am yours
Together, we are spirit
Together, we take the lead

Spiritual awakening.
Is this the end or the beginning?

I'm confused.
Deepest parts of me bruised.

I've lost all that used to matter.
My mind is in clutter.

What is the meaning of this?
What kind of sick game is this?

I'm being torn from the inside out.
Chills from sincere drought.

I long for clarity.
For prosperity.

I don't seek popularity.
I don't need charity.

I'm stuck in solidarity.
Stripped off my identity.

Who am I ?
How do I get by?

I'm all alone.
Every one has come and gone.

Spiritual awakening.
Rude awakening.

I'm barely breathing.
Like a baby teething.

I'm in so much pain.
I'm going insane.

I'm losing my mind.
I can see but I'm blind.

Open my third eye already.
I am more than ready.

Things are so bad
I wish
I could catch
A stray bullet
I'm not suicidal
But death
Would slap
Right now
I'm keeping my head
Close
To the window
In case
There is a shootout
My way out

There's a man.
He left his home.
For a better life.
More opportunities.
He left for Johannesburg.
The city of gold.
Girls are beautiful and bold.
He misses home.
His mother.
His father.
He has to stay here.
Stay here and hope,
For a brighter future.
A record deal.
The next meal,
Is a mystery.
He lives in a squabble.
He wears the same jeans.
He hopes.
He prays,
For a better life.
Make his parents proud.
Is he good enough?
There's a million out there like him.
What makes him special?
Better than the others.
Is it luck it depends on?
Is it honest hard work?
He works hard.
He tries hard.
Nothing happens.
He yearns for it.
He needs it.
A glamorous life.
He fakes it.
They say fake it until you make it.
He fakes it alright.
But never makes it.
He is a mockery.
They stopped believing in him.
Will he ever make it?
Less talented people have signed deals.
What is wrong with him?
He struggles with mental health.
He doesn't know how to love.
He doesn't know how to live.
Why doesn't he reach his high heights?
Why does he not make it?
Help him.
Somebody help him.
He's becoming bitter.
He's starting to hate everyone who makes it.
Thinking, where did he wrong?
Sleeping on his friend's couch.
Maybe he should have studied law.
He's special.
But he's no Eminem.
He's no Jay Z.
He's no J Cole.
He's no Drake.
Who is he really?
Nobody knows.

Tell my mama that I am so sorry
I leave her with no glory
Shame killed me
Sorrow ended me
The dark cloud that follows me around
Finally left a fatal wound
To my friends,
I leave you with the happy moments we shared
To my lovers,
I leave you with the passion we felt
To my colleagues,
I leave you with the knowledge I taught
To my family,
I leave you with my love
Remember me for my smile and my pride
Do not dwell on the loss
Or the suffering that I perfected to hide
Remember me for my sarcasm
Remember me for my enthusiasm
My zeal for good food and wine
How no matter what, I always seemed fine
It is with a heavy heart that I cease my bright light
Sadly, I have lost the final fight
I leave you with no wealth
Only the sting of sudden death
I leave you with no tangible assets
Only failed success and bad debts
I shall rest now and at last meet with my creator
Farewell, I hope to see you later
Please, tell my mama that I am sorry

I want to perform
self surgery
Open this heart up
See
what's really bothering it
Brain surgery
Remove these thoughts
stuck in my head
Get to the bottom of this
Eliminate the pain
The memories
The anxiety
Surgically

Emotions creeping in on me.
Heart bleeding in on me.
Tis in the past! Tis in the past!
Not the first to hurt, not the last.
Why does the pain still linger?
Wrapped around sorrow's finger.
Make it go away! Make it stop!
It stings so bad, make it stop.
God watching me suffer.
I've nothing left to offer.
I pray, and I pray.
Till I've nothing left to say.
I cry, and I cry.
Till I've no tears left to cry. Why?
Eyes dry as the desert.
Yet heart's still in the dirt.
These wounds won't heal.
Life's a turning wheel.
I'd like off of this ride.
Pride and glory aside.
Let me go.
Please let me go.
What is it I'm paying for?
What is it I'm praying for?
Are my sins that great?
All I see is heaven's gate.
Take me away.
I've nothing left to say.

Don't try to save me, let me burn.
The hard way is how I have to learn.
I don't need your help, leave me to suffer.
I tell the truth, I am no bluffer.
The truth is that I am being haunted.
The spirits have me daunted.
I am chased by the things of the night.
Sadly, I have lost the fight.
Well truthfully, I gave in to the shadow.
I am being held against my will down below.
They forced me to abide.
They locked me deep inside.
Took everything I held dear.
Left me with nothing but trembling fear.
Don't try to save me, let them have me.
Let them have their way with me.
Once they are done with me I will be brand new.
Many won't understand this, only a few.
They want me because I am the called one.
I am undeniably the chosen one.

I'm in love with the ghost of you
So in love
I'd rather love your shadow
Than love you
I'd rather love
The memory of your face
The smile imprinted in my head
The dreams I have of you
Late at night
The thought of your touch
The recollection of your voice
I'm in love with the reminiscence of you
The nolstagia
Reliving every moment
Day dreaming of what could have been
You're a calendar of thoughts to me
Of memoirs
You're a voice from the past
You're a vow unfulfilled
A regular flash from the past
A hallucination
A ruse
A fairly tale
It's like we never happened
I'm in love with the delusion you
Every day discovering the non existing parts
Of you
And I'd rather love the myth of the man
Than love you
You were so toxic
In my fantasy,  
You are not
I'm in love with the ghost of you
For it is perfect

The only time
I feel like
Everything is going to be alright
Is when there's a fresh bottle
Of gin
In the fridge
Otherwise
It's downhill
I'm depressed
I'm miserable

The only time
I feel alive
Is when my glass is full
Half tonic
Half gin
Ice
Slice of lemon if I'm feeling adventurous
Otherwise
I'm dead inside
I feel almost nothing outside of sorrow

The only time
I can fall asleep
Is when my belly is filled with gin and tonic
I experience vivid dreams
I'm happy
My spirits visit me
Otherwise
The sun comes up to my eyes wide open
Listening to my rapid heartbeat
Thinking "I have work in two hours"

The only time I feel inspired
Is with a cold one in one hand
A pen in the other hand
Otherwise
I lack motivation
I lack any will to live
I dwell in negative energy
I have no hope for the future
Nothing flows
My thoughts are a scattered mess

Although I might die
Either I die from over indulgence
Or I die from sadness
Either way
I am dead
May the good Lord forgive me
For I know not what else to do
For I am intoxicated
As I type this
For sobriety feels like a prison to my pain

There must be a better way

Born one thousand nine hundred and, ninety-three years ago today.
I am a millenial.
I turn thirty before May.
I must admit, I am in denial.

Where has the time gone?
It feels like just yesterday,
When I was still young.
When I had my twenty first birthday.

How am I so old?
Yet so unprepared,
For the woes of this world.
Neither seen, nor heard.

Dreams not reached.
Living a life not anticipated.
Dreams forsaken and ditched.
Feeling discriminated,

For being a failure.
I did not ask for this!
At heart, I am a creator,
Yet stuck in a career that brings me no bliss.

How did I get here?
My whole life feels like a mistake.
I wish to disappear.
I need a break.

Thirty years.
Three decades.
A million tears.
Time burns faster than flames.

And I am through with it all.
My ******* have sagged.
My twenties are now stuck behind some wall.
I miss the life I could have had.

Born one thousand nine hundred and ninety-three years ago today.
I am a millenial.
I turn thirty before May.
I must admit, I am in denial.

This face, it hides hides a lot
But this face, is all I've got
I may smile, does not mean I'm not wounded
I may laugh, does not mean I don't feel bounded
I may joke, doesn't mean I'm free
Just because I don't let you see
My tears
My fears
My sorrow
My doubt for tomorrow
Doesn't mean I'm fine
Just because I don't whine
I don't cry or breakdown
I don't fall of or frown
Doesn't mean I don't hurt
Doesn't mean I'm not covered in dirt
I choose to wear my crown
Wear my crystal gown
And hide these tears
Hide these fears
But deep down I am suffering
Its not flattering
To accept my flaws
I'd rather cling finger nails and claws
To my pride glory
Than feel helpless and sorry
So please, if you do see my weakness
If you come across my meekness
Do not mock me
Do not crack me
Turn a blind eye
Pretend you don't see the spark in my eye
From pain and strain
Pretend the water on my face is but rain
Do not expose my torment and misery
For I swear to turn to turn it into my golden victory
Some day
Some day when the skies allow me to have my way
When the sun smiles down at me
And allows me to be who I want to be
When true love finds me
And turns me to the best version of me
When happiness stays with me
And really wants to be with me
When I find the pieces of me missing
When I finally receive my blessing
Although some words are left unspoken
Please don't ever remind me of this moment

For a split second, I forgot
I forgot that there was a me before you
I forgot my own strength
I doubted my own resilience
And so I told you that I needed you
Can't do this all by myself
Can't live without you
But I remembered, I remembered
That there was a me before you
I remembered my own strength
Though you left
You didn't take my strength with you
Though you left
You didn't take me with you
I am still here

Swipe left,
If I'm not impressed.
If he's cute, swipe right.
Lust or love at first sight.
Doesn't even matter.
Can he even appreciate satire?
Can he hold a conversation?
Does he have a proper education?
Not just another ***** *******.
This is a game I've mastered.
Unmatch.
Detach.
Tell me who you are.
At least chase the cookie out of the jar.
Whether with words or just charm.
I can't magically fall under your arm.
Forget netflix and chill,
How about steak and grill?
Keep it real, or keep it moving.
Ain't here swiping for real loving.
But at least woo me,
Then maybe I'll let you see,
How bad I can really be.
Let you ride in the wet sea.
Yes, I want to fool around.
First, let's find common ground.
Who are you?
How are you?
Can you dance or you're just bluffing?
Are you looking for a fling or just a one time thing?
Can you deliver?
Don't lie just cause it's Tinder.
Last thing I need is another slump.
Don't lie and say you can ****.
Then waste my night with no ******,
And unmoved by my sarcasm.
Sure let's hook up,
But can you keep me up,
All night?
I'm thick and it's tight.
I like getting eaten.
I'm gluten free with extra meat in.

To love is to cheerfully cherish.
I wish I'd said that I loved you more and more each day.
To lose the one you love is to painfully perish.
I wish you were still here with me this day.

To love is to unconditionally trust.
I wish I'd held you close to me more and more each day.
Showed you that it was more than just lust.
I wish you were still here with me this day.

To my brother.
From me, your sister.

I wish you quit the reckless drinking.
It turns you into a senseless being.
Mom is tired. She is hurting.
The constant crying and fighting.
Our family is torn.
uMakhulu is gone.
No one knows how to help you.
We still have hope, for the skies are still blue.
I lost all respect for you the night you laid hands on our mother.
Your son is ashamed of identifying you as his father.
But for as long as I live,
I am willing to forgive.
For as long as our mother lives, I can't give up on hope for your redemption.
She never stops praying and pleading to God for your salvation.
I hope you see the light, before it's too late.
I hope you release your heart from all the self-hate.
It doesn't matter where your substance abuse originated.
But you become a monster when you're intoxicated.
There's a thin line between a fun night out and alcohol abuse.
There's more to life than just drugs and *****.
God did not bring you here to drink 'till the death.
That was not the purpose of your birth.
I pray that you realise your true purpose and full potential.
The life you're leading is not practical.
And we plead with you to put this to an end.
Alcolol is your worst enemy and not your trusted friend.
You are capable of achieving so much more.
I always remember what you were like before.
The ambitious, talented and full of life.
I hope you find your wings and fly.
It's sad that no one visits anymore, because they fear you.
They fear for their lives, and what you might do.
Myself included too.
In all my dreams, you are attacking me, chasing me.
Is this really who you want to be?
I wish you could see yourself the way that we see you.
And maybe, you will desire to change too, as much as we do.
Your behavior is bad to an extent that we sometimes wish you would die.
That somehow life without in it would be better, no lie.
I'm not saying this to hurt you.
But only you can change how we feel about you.
By letting go of the things that you do.
I pray you gain the strength that you need.
To face your demons without the beer and the ****.
I want you to know that we love you and we care.
Whenever you're ready to do better we will be here.
We want to be a whole family again.
We want to be happy and free from pain.
I believe you can change.
You are not stuck in a cage.
You have us. From the bottom of my heart,
Please stop tearing us apart.


With love.
Your baby Sister.

Hey baby girl.
You are so beautiful.
Your smile is striking.
I wish you believed it more.
I wish you smiled more.
Your body is perfect, trust me.
Your flaws, they are flawless.
I am so sorry.
I am sorry, I failed us.
Our hopes.
Our dreams.
It was that low self-esteem, you see.
That poor self confidence.
We thought we'd grow out of it.
Truth is, we never really did.
And it's part of the reason we didn't make it.
Not to where we thought we would anyways.
But I want you to know that, it's okay.
Your girl is still trying.
Still fighting.
We will get there.
We still have time.
I was scrolling through our old pictures,
When we thought we still had all the time in the world.
We had everything we needed right there and then.
But somehow, we ended up here.
Well everything happens for a reason right?
I'm just really sorry.
I wish you knew what we know now.
The value of time.
The time value of money.
I wish we made better decisions.
I wish we prayed more.
I wish we knew just how powerful our mind was.
I wish we had better control over our emotions and our thoughts.
I wish we over came our deepest fears.
But it's not the end.
We are still breathing.
So there's still a chance.
A lot of time has lapsed.
We have lost people we thought would be there forever.
I just wish, when you were going through all of it, I was there to hold you.
To tell you to let go of things and people that don't serve you.
To protect your energy.
To never dwell on your mistakes.
And tell you that in a few years, the pain will be better.
Not gone, just better.
It doesn't ever go away, you see.
We can't forget the experiences that really changed us.
And we can't turn back the time we have lost.
But if I was there back then, I'd tell you that it doesn't really matter.
That there's so much more to come.
So much more to learn.
So much more to live for.
I wish you'd have known just how special you were.
I wish you'd have trusted your instincts better.
Listened to that small voice from within.
Hey, maybe that was me all along!
Your older and wiser higher self.
Who knows?
I wish I taught you how to love yourself better.
Appreciate yourself.
Believe in yourself.
And go after your wildest dreams.
That you are the ultimate prize.
You are a force to be reckoned with.
You are a queen.
You are your greatest weapon.
You are your own super hero.
Well, like I said.
It's never too late.
We will get there.
Slowly but surely.

Love,
Older and wiser me.

i couldn't make you love me
as much as i tried
gave you the best of me
loved you with everything I had
i didn't hold anything back
but you could never love me
even if you tried
it just wasn't in you
i just wasn't the one
not for you
you needed someone else
you wanted something else
not what i gave to you
i wish i'd known better
enough to walk away sooner
the flashbacks of me begging
you to stay with me
still haunt me to this day
i still can't believe i acted that way
i can't believe how desperate i was
for you to love me
as much as i loved you
unrequited love is a *****
it hurts like nothing else
i'd give anything to take it all back
save my love for someone else
someone who can love me back
as much as i love them
or maybe even more
enough to make up for your part

There's always a bit of hope
And then it's gone
Every time there's hope,
It gets taken away
By reality

I asked my soul "What is it you truly want?"
I asked my inner demons "What is it you truly want?"
My soul asked me for peace and serenity.
My inner demons demanded eternal wealth and supremacy.

I asked my spirit "What is it you truly want?"
I asked my body "What is it you truly want?"
My spirit desires alignment with the highest power.
My body longs to be touched like a delicate flower.

I asked my brain "What is it you truly want?"
I asked my heart "What is it you truly want?"
My brain asked me to follow my heart for direction.
My heart told me it desires true love and affection.

Everything is okay.
If it's not,
It's going to be okay.

Watching my dreams die and turn into scattered dust.
Covered in mortifying shame and sinful lust.
My soul wandering, slithering around broken.
The angels have me lost and forsaken.
These tears and sorrows are my chains.
I am bleeding inside from these chest pains.
It's myself I resent the most.
It's myself I blame the most.
How could I be so weak and vulnerable?
Seems I'm not at all worthy or lovable.
Yes, the amount of self pity is considerable.
But I somehow find it comforting and it's comfortable.
Being constantly intolerably miserable.
So undeniably alone it's unexplainable.
Inner peace seems so far and unattainable.
The depth of the damage inside is irrecoverable.
What haunts me most is that I am the one responsible.
The desire to perish and leave it all behind is unstoppable.
Is it possible that redemption and light is possible?

Always trying to figure out,
Where I went wrong.
It's like I blinked,
And suddenly,
I was in a deep dark hole.
Not knowing how I fell in,
Or when.
My whole life is a blur.
I don't have any memories,
Of who I used to be,
Before I became,
A sad;
Lonely;
Broke;
Broken;
Depressed;
Anxious;
Unloved;
Adult.
I­t's all I know.
When did I make the decision,
To become a failure?
How did I become,
A victim of life?
How do I turn things around?
Make life meaningful.
Have meaningful relationships.
Nothing feels real.
I lost myself trying to heal.
I wish for death like it's nothing.
Every time I see a "rest in peace" post,
Deep down I wish it was me.
Thinking: "You're so lucky to be dead."
I've stopped believing.
I've accepted,
Misery.
And all its friends and foes.
I can't count how many times a day,
I say:
"I wish I was dead"
"I'm so lonely"
When does it end?
Does it ever end?
I wish somebody loved me.
Am I feeling sorry for myself?
Yes!
Do I know how to stop?
No!
Am I worthy of unconditional love?
Absolutely!
Will I reach it?
I don't know!

I'm dying
I miss you
Text me when you get this

As I wipe, all I hope to see is blood
Lord knows I ain't ready for no child
God, I'm sorry I chose to be blind
I knew it was wrong
But it had been so long
Since someone was inside me
So I let him ****** inside me
Been so lonely
I don't have any money
To care of an offspring
It was only a fling
I am praying
For a miracle
Wishing to be infertile
Just this once
A kid without any vows
Would be a sin
And I'd much rather drink gin
Than be pregnant

it's okay to feel.

you  are breaking
generational curses
generational traumas

some of those emotions
are not even your own

I swear these walls be talking.
They be whispering things about me.
They laughing at me.
All the time.
I swear!
I can hear them.

We're not anything
But I love you
I'm sure of it
You're like a blank canvass
With a story
Yet to be told
But I love you
I'm sure of it
Cause you dwell in my mind
You live in my dreams
When I close my eyes, I see you
When I wake up in the morning
I think of you
Before anything else
We're not anything
We may never be anything
But I love you
I'm sure of it
We're strangers
But I'm so in love with you
The thought of you
What could be
I don't know how to stop
You're trapped inside of my thoughts
I don't know how to let you go
Cause I love you
I'm sure of it
I'm gonna leave this here for you
Maybe some day you'll find it
And you'll know that it's for you