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Nikki Tshawe Oct 2021
i couldn't make you love me
as much as i tried
gave you the best of me
loved you with everything I had
i didn't hold anything back
but you could never love me
even if you tried
it just wasn't in you
i just wasn't the one
not for you
you needed someone else
you wanted something else
not what i gave to you
i wish i'd known better
enough to walk away sooner
the flashbacks of me begging
you to stay with me
still haunt me to this day
i still can't believe i acted that way
i can't believe how desperate i was
for you to love me
as much as i loved you
unrequited love is a *****
it hurts like nothing else
i'd give anything to take it all back
save my love for someone else
someone who can love me back
as much as i love them
or maybe even more
enough to make up for your part
Nikki Tshawe Dec 2022
it's okay to feel.

you  are breaking
generational curses
generational traumas

some of those emotions
are not even your own
Nikki Tshawe Aug 2022
There's always a bit of hope
And then it's gone
Every time there's hope,
It gets taken away
By reality
Nikki Tshawe Aug 2022
I'm dying
I miss you
Text me when you get this
Nikki Tshawe Sep 2019
I asked my soul "What is it you truly want?"
I asked my inner demons "What is it you truly want?"
My soul asked me for peace and serenity.
My inner demons demanded eternal wealth and supremacy.

I asked my spirit "What is it you truly want?"
I asked my body "What is it you truly want?"
My spirit desires alignment with the highest power.
My body longs to be touched like a delicate flower.

I asked my brain "What is it you truly want?"
I asked my heart "What is it you truly want?"
My brain asked me to follow my heart for direction.
My heart told me it desires true love and affection.
Nikki Tshawe Nov 2021
As I wipe, all I hope to see is blood
Lord knows I ain't ready for no child
God, I'm sorry I chose to be blind
I knew it was wrong
But it had been so long
Since someone was inside me
So I let him ****** inside me
Been so lonely
I don't have any money
To care of an offspring
It was only a fling
I am praying
For a miracle
Wishing to be infertile
Just this once
A kid without any vows
Would be a sin
And I'd much rather drink gin
Than be pregnant
Nikki Tshawe Dec 2022
Everything is okay.
If it's not,
It's going to be okay.
Nikki Tshawe Feb 2023
Always trying to figure out,
Where I went wrong.
It's like I blinked,
And suddenly,
I was in a deep dark hole.
Not knowing how I fell in,
Or when.
My whole life is a blur.
I don't have any memories,
Of who I used to be,
Before I became,
A sad;
Lonely;
Broke;
Broken;
Depressed;
Anxious;
Unloved;
Adult.
I­t's all I know.
When did I make the decision,
To become a failure?
How did I become,
A victim of life?
How do I turn things around?
Make life meaningful.
Have meaningful relationships.
Nothing feels real.
I lost myself trying to heal.
I wish for death like it's nothing.
Every time I see a "rest in peace" post,
Deep down I wish it was me.
Thinking: "You're so lucky to be dead."
I've stopped believing.
I've accepted,
Misery.
And all its friends and foes.
I can't count how many times a day,
I say:
"I wish I was dead"
"I'm so lonely"
When does it end?
Does it ever end?
I wish somebody loved me.
Am I feeling sorry for myself?
Yes!
Do I know how to stop?
No!
Am I worthy of unconditional love?
Absolutely!
Will I reach it?
I don't know!
Nikki Tshawe Sep 2019
Watching my dreams die and turn into scattered dust.
Covered in mortifying shame and sinful lust.
My soul wandering, slithering around broken.
The angels have me lost and forsaken.
These tears and sorrows are my chains.
I am bleeding inside from these chest pains.
It's myself I resent the most.
It's myself I blame the most.
How could I be so weak and vulnerable?
Seems I'm not at all worthy or lovable.
Yes, the amount of self pity is considerable.
But I somehow find it comforting and it's comfortable.
Being constantly intolerably miserable.
So undeniably alone it's unexplainable.
Inner peace seems so far and unattainable.
The depth of the damage inside is irrecoverable.
What haunts me most is that I am the one responsible.
The desire to perish and leave it all behind is unstoppable.
Is it possible that redemption and light is possible?
Nikki Tshawe Jun 2024
I swear these walls be talking.
They be whispering things about me.
They laughing at me.
All the time.
I swear!
I can hear them.
Nikki Tshawe Mar 2023
We're not anything
But I love you
I'm sure of it
You're like a blank canvass
With a story
Yet to be told
But I love you
I'm sure of it
Cause you dwell in my mind
You live in my dreams
When I close my eyes, I see you
When I wake up in the morning
I think of you
Before anything else
We're not anything
We may never be anything
But I love you
I'm sure of it
We're strangers
But I'm so in love with you
The thought of you
What could be
I don't know how to stop
You're trapped inside of my thoughts
I don't know how to let you go
Cause I love you
I'm sure of it
I'm gonna leave this here for you
Maybe some day you'll find it
And you'll know that it's for you
Nikki Tshawe Jan 2022
What does death smell like?
Like an infected wound,
Oozing pus,
Infested in fungus?
Like hopelessness,
Like giving up?
Like a burning cigarette?
Like a heart pounding,
In your throat,
From anxiety?
Like *****,
From a hangover,
From drinking the pain away.
Does it smell like,
Fresh sand,
After the one you loved,
Walked away from you.
Does it smell like,
Salty tears running down,
Your face?
Or like green mucus,
Running out of your nose,
From crying?
Maybe it smells,
Like,
A million eggs,
Laid by a large filthy fly.
Or like a badly written poem,
Like this one.
Or like walking in to the office,
Of the job you despise.
Maybe it smells like rotten fruits,
From the tree of your failed success.
Or like the small apartment you live in,
That you resent,
And hardly deep clean.
I bet death smells like,
The awful ***,
From one night stands.
Or like blood,
From a bad period.
Or like lung cancer.
Diabetes.
Depression.
Bird flu.
I bet death smells like death.
Nikki Tshawe Mar 2023
If natural disaster was to call.
And we were all to fall.
Will there be anyone left?
To log into our phones,
And read our unposted;
Thoughts.
Poems.
Playlist songs.
Prayers.
Notes.
To do lists.
Bucket lists.
Wishlists.
Uncleared shopping carts.
Liked videos.
Saved videos.
Favorite videos.
Watch later.
Retweeted.
Loved.
Reposted.
Unfiltered pictures.
DIY projects.
Ten minute crafts.
Absolute must haves.
Spend the day with mes.
Get ready with mes.
Food orders.
Takealot orders.
Amazon orders.
Day in the life.
What I feed my dog in a day.
What I eat in a day.
Daily vlogs.
Daily blogs.
Unread texts.
Check ins.
Drafts.
Downloads.
Watch lists.
Google history.
Unread emails.
Tinder matches.
Netflix must watch.
Gen Z versus millenials.
Private subscriptions.
And think to themselves,
What the actual f**k?
What happened to us?
What has the world become?
Personally,
I hope he writes the new Bible.
What would God think?
Nikki Tshawe Jun 2020
What hurts me most
Is not that you disappointed me
Or that you left at my worst
What hurts most is that I will never see you again
Talk to you again
See you smile
Hold you for a while
It's astonishing
After everything you did so vile
I still miss you
I still need you
I still want you
I still love you
Plenty fish in the sea but I don't want to go fishing
It's you I miss
It's you I need
It's you I want
It's you I love
Our love was different
It was magnificent
Or so I thought
But now I'm starting to doubt
Who
Nikki Tshawe Aug 2023
Who
Who is going to care for my heart?
Who is going to catch me when I fall?
Who will wipe my tears away?
Who will laugh with me?
Who will love me?
Dear God,
Why have you left me
All alone?
With no one.
But myself.
Who is going to love me?
Nikki Tshawe Nov 2022
I'm going insane.
I'm searching his name,
Surname,
Nickname,
On every platform.
Whatsapp.
LinkedIn.
Facebook.
Twitter.
Instagram.
Tiktok.
YouTube.
Who is he?
What does he like?
All I have is his name.
I want to know him.
I have to know him.
I want to marry him.
What is his handle?
Why is his account private?
What did he repost?
Where did he check in?
What did he retweet?
What did he like?
What did he react to?
Is he on Tinder?
Is he even on social media?
Just want to find out if him and I,
Are meant to be?
This might be love.
I have to find him.
It's not stalking.
It's online research.
Nikki Tshawe Jan 2020
Let me sing you my favorite song
Let me recite you my favorite poem
You can have the best part of me
Let me give you my all

Let me paint you in my favorite colors
Let me cook you my favorite dish
You're my favorite person
You're my favorite feeling

Let me tell you my favorite story
Let me fix you my favorite drink
Let me read you my favorite book
You're my favorite boy

You're my favorite feeling
Let me wear my favorite clothes
Let's drive to my favorite place
Let me sing you my favorite melody

Let me write you my favorite poem
Let me be your favorite girl
You're my favorite face
You're my favorite kiss

I miss you when you're out of town
You're my favorite to be around
Your voice is my favorite
You are my favorite dream
Nikki Tshawe Nov 2021
you said you loved me,
i heard you say it.
you said you cared for me,
i heard you say it.

where are you going?
why are you leaving?
have you had enough of my loving?
come back here, don't you hear me screaming?

you see me crying,
yet you still choose to walk away from me.
don't you see me trying?
is this what it's come to be?

not going to ask you again,
where do you think you're going?
i can't describe this pain.
i can't comprehend this feeling.

this feeling, it is foreign.
i thought we were meant to be.
i missed everything, any sign.
tell me that this isn't us, it isn't me!

tell me that i'm dreaming.
this can't be happening.
you are not leaving.
tell me i'm imagining.

it's in my head, it's all in my head.
you are here to stay,
unless i am dead,
we are forever and a day.

you said you loved me,
i heard you say it.
you said you cared for me,
i heard you say it.

look me in the eye.
and tell me that we are going to be alright.
tell me, that this is all a lie.
please, hold me tight.

you can't leave.
not this way,
i find this hard to believe.
please stay.

i need you.
only you.
it's always been you.
i've always been true.

don't you care for me anymore?
i'll change, i'll be better.
let's go back to how it was before.
only you and i matter.

she will never love you like i can.
i'd swallow the river for you.
you are my man.
i'd write a million songs for you.

you need me.
i know that you do.
you care for me.
i can see that you really do.

you said you loved me,
i heard you say it.
you said you cared for me,
i heard you say it.

— The End —