I want to cry out for you.
Scream out your name.
Over,
And over.
Until you hear me.
Through these thick walls.
Until you feel the void,
You left in my world,
In my heart.
I need you.
Only you.
Please love me.
Please.
There's so much life,
I wanted to experience with you.
Only you.
What if I said,
I couldn't live without you?
Would you watch me die?
Couldn't breathe without you,
Would you watch me grasp,
For every last bit of air?
Or would you love me?
Maybe I feel too much.
Maybe I can live without your touch.
Without the sound of your voice.
The taste of your lips.
I don't want to.
Please.
Love me.

My dear old lover and friend
I write this with tear filled eyes
A broken and scattered heart
I just heard the news of your passing
I heard that you were violently torn from this earth
You were not at fault
You fell victim to senseless behavior
My condolences are with your family
And all those you held dear
Including me I hope
I'm deeply saddened by your sudden departure
You deserved so much more
I wish you had lived longer to realize your dreams
But unfortunately you were called to the heavens
I truly hope that you are in a better place
I hope that you have found great peace
Rest in eternal power and peace
I am sorry you had to leave the world of the living so soon
Gone but never forgotten
Lost but never forsaken

With love
Your old friend
Goodbye old friend

Born one thousand nine hundred and, ninety-three years ago today.
I am a millenial.
I turn thirty before May.
I must admit, I am in denial.

Where has the time gone?
It feels like just yesterday,
When I was still young.
When I had my twenty first birthday.

How am I so old?
Yet so unprepared,
For the woes of this world.
Neither seen, nor heard.

Dreams not reached.
Living a life not anticipated.
Dreams forsaken and ditched.
Feeling discriminated,

For being a failure.
I did not ask for this!
At heart, I am a creator,
Yet stuck in a career that brings me no bliss.

How did I get here?
My whole life feels like a mistake.
I wish to disappear.
I need a break.

Thirty years.
Three decades.
A million tears.
Time burns faster than flames.

And I am through with it all.
My ******* have sagged.
My twenties are now stuck behind some wall.
I miss the life I could have had.

Born one thousand nine hundred and ninety-three years ago today.
I am a millenial.
I turn thirty before May.
I must admit, I am in denial.

Darkness
It's everywhere
When I close my eyes
And when I open my eyes
It's in my mind
It clutters my soul
It's in my heart
It's in my head
It's everywhere
I can't escape it
Nor can I contain it
It smothers me
It controls me
I see it
I feel it
Everywhere
It leads the way
But I can't see
Anything
Or anyone
I can only hear
Here and there
It's so dark
Everywhere
I can't see
Can't see where I'm going
Or where I come from
I see darkness
I see nothing
Everywhere

Depression took her
No one could save her.
She had been miserable for a while.
The world was vicious, and vile.
But when depression forced her hand,
She followed her darkest demon's demand.
She could not take it any longer.
What didn't **** her, didn't make her any stronger.
No one noticed her silent cry for help.
No one saw her in the night when she wept and wept.
And now everyone is astonished.
"How can she leave everything she's accomplished? "
But her beasts overpowered her will to live.
She had nothing, nothing left to give.
So, she gave in, and depression took her.
Yet, no one seemed to care.
She had no one to lend a caring heart, nor an ear.
So she ended it all without doubt, nor fear.
She reached her very lowest peak.
Felt ever so weary, and ever so weak.
No one was there to pull her out of her misery.
No one to say: "hold on, in the end there is victory."
No one to break her out of the darkness, into the light.
No one to convince her that life was worth the fight.
But what does one do, when everything around you is destroyed?
When your prayers seem to be nothing, but null and void?
Do you hold on to the darkness, and pray to make it through the night?
Who do you pray to, for salvation and light?
Depression took her.
No one could save her.
Some called her a brave coward.
But all she was really, was tired.
From all the endless hurt and the pain.
So she slit through her own vein.
And watched it bleed, and bleed.
As she fell into an eternal sleep.
She was exhausted from life.
So she took a sharp knife,
And she let depression take ker.
No one could saver her.
From feeling like she didn't belong.
Like everything was all wrong.
She had no place here.
She didn't fit in here.
When she tried to voice out how she wasn't coping.
All everyone said was: "toughen up and stop moping,
This is life. Just pray about it and talk to God"
But a million prayers later, she was left alone in the world.
So, depression took her.
No one could save her.
She imagined that death would be peaceful and painless.
Cause lately, all she had been feeling was worthless and faithless.
So she looked death in the eyes, and said:
"Death you're my only way out. I'm too sad. I'm just too sad"
So she wrote a long letter to her mother saying: "I'm sorry, I hope all is forgiven."
"Maybe I'm better off as an angel, looking down upon you in heaven."
"All that I tried to be happy, I have failed."
"I'm sorry I couldn't make you proud. Sorry if you feel betrayed. *
Even the strongest of people feel fragile sometimes.
Life can be overwhelming at times.
They say: "check on your stong friends, cause depression is real."
Everyone needs someone to be there when you standing on the edge of a hill.
All it took really, was just one bad day.
One bad day, that led her astray.
Not knowing where her soul would land.
She didn't care as long as her bones remained six feet under the sand.
She would be free.
Free to be who she had always wanted to be.
Nobody.
It's funny how people start caring after you die.
"We had no idea! Why did she do it. Why?"
"We thought she was just fine"
"She always laughed and smiled"
Smiles and all, depression still took her.
Still, no one could save her.

I refuse to die.
Life's not perfect, yet 'tis mine.
Mine for the taking.
Mine to find awakening.
No, I am not leaving.
Yes, my heart's bleeding.
I refuse to die.
Life's not perfect, yet' tis mine.
I refuse to let go.
Even if I am poor.
I refuse to go.
I will ne'er let go.
I wake with swollen eyes.
Weary from worldly ties.
Depression will not take me.
Death shall not have me.

Tell me you love me
Say it five times
One, I love you
Two, I love you
Three, I love you
Four, I love you
Five, I love you
Kiss me
And say it five times more
One, I love you
In between smooches
Hug me tight
Caress me
Pull me close
Slide my hair to the side
Whisper in my ear
Two, I love you
Three, I love you
Four, I love you
Say it slower
Five, I     love    you
Squeeze my hand
Say it again
One last time
I love you
I love you too
Five times more

God I need you now more than ever.
In your word You promised to stay by my side forever.
Your word promises eternal love and amity.
Stay with me for all eternity and show me peace and serenity.
Help me live a life of purpose and fulfillment.
Help me release all the doubt and resentment.

Lord I need Your presence in my life.
I bring my burden to you and my endless strife.
Unburden me Dear God and carry me under your wings.
Heal me of the world's pains and stings.
In You I place my hope and my trust.
Save me from sin and unjust.

Dear God my heart is broken and I feel weak.
Your strength and guidance is all I seek.
I know that You are always true and faithful.
I know that You watch over me and I am forever grateful.
Dear God please hear my cry for salvation.
Dear God please hear my call for redemption.

I pray you heal
From whatever ordeal
Whatever happened
That had your spirit dampened
May you find deep healing
May you find deep meaning
May your spirit be free
Free to the highest degree
May you never again feel unbearable pain
May you never again shed tears from strain
I pray you have all the strength
Enough to defeat even death
May you be mighty and strong
May you live long
To tell your tale
And drink the best ale
May others be inspired by your story
I pray you see all your glory
Above all,
I pray you find happiness
Please hang in there
And know that I am here

Disconnected from the universe
Can things get any worse
I'm trapped in a lonely corner
I'm nothing but a lonely loner
All alone. All by myself
I have nothing left
I have nothing left to offer
The going keeps getting tougher
What do I have to do
No where left to go
Stuck between these four walls
Forgive me but I don't have the *****
To carry on this meaninglessness path
I'm sitting here holding my breath
Praying to see redemption
Holding on to the presumption
That it gets better
That somehow I matter
But I feel disconnected
It's like the world has not accepted
Me as my own person
My life seems to worsen
Each day there's a new lesson
Each day is depression
Depression and disconnect
This is foul play I suspect

she is a beast you can never feed enough
she keeps coming back for more and more
up to the slightest slither of your soul
she is eternally starving for your state of mind
she will feed and feed on your very soul
whether it is day or night
she will wake you from your slumber
to torture you
she will torture you in your dreams
until you wake
and torture you some more while you're conscious
feed and feed from your very soul with much greed
she will never leave you be
she will forever whisper untruths into your head
unless you are dead
telling you that you are no good
and that no one will ever care nor notice
it will be just you, your subconscious and the unwanted guest
who goes by anxiety
also known as
depression
the shakes
the jitters
the heebie-jeebies
fear of the unknown is what she really is
also known as, your life
ps, you are not alone
we are all twisted
in ways we can't even begin to express
the beast anxiety feasts on us all
and she is eternally famished

Floods are coming.
I hope you drown first,
Before everyone else.
Storms are calling.
I hope you get stuck first,
Before everyone else.
For not responding,
To my texts.

Let me in,
I want to touch the deep depths of your soul.
These are but words on paper, like broken glass in a bowl.
Yet I desire to graze upon your mortal essence,
Show me the path to your very substance.
Let me wine and dine in your consciousness.
Let me in,
I want to feel you, not physically.
Spiritually.
Emotionally.
Let me in.
I want to see the magnitude of your core.
Caress your heart like never before.
Let me into your personal atmosphere.
Show me who you hold dear.
Show me what you fear.
Show me the burden you bear.
Let me in,
Let me hold you in my arms with nothing but my words.
Let us adjoin from our different worlds.
Let down your guards.
Let me in.
What moves you?
What behooves you?
Let me see it in your eyes as I speak.
Show me what it is you truly seek.
What really gets you to break?
Let me in.

i don't want to give up,
most times i desire to.

i believe in myself,
not really.

i want to keep trying,
yet i don't really want to.

i want to live,
yet part of me doesn't really want to.

it's either or.
i'm constantly fighting for neither, nor.

i am neither there,
nor here.

i have the strength,
i'm also truly exhausted.

i have the faith,
yet i doubt everything.

i have what it takes,
yet i refuse to believe that at times.

i am happy,
yet unexplainably sad.

all these people around me,
yet i feel so alone.

what a cliché,
it's all been said before.

i am good.
seems i am not good enough.

i am brave as a soldier,
yet most nights i feel so afraid.

so afraid that i sleep with the lights on,
to eliminate the black fog that consumes my soul.

it smothers me,
like a grim mist, from dusk til dawn.

i don't even know what frightens me so much,
the demons and monsters are only in my head, nothing under the bed.

i want to drink ale and sleep my sorrows away, forget it all,
yet i want to stay sober and awake to experience it all.

i'd like pills that numb all these emotions,
yet i want to embrace all these moments.

at times i wish for an eternal slumber, i wonder why i was even born?
yet i wish to appreciate the life so freely given.

i am calm and collected,
yet anxiety eats away at me in the dark.

night by night,
bit by bit.

i'm scared soon enough,
there'll be nothing left.

no body, no bones.
just dust and broken thoughts.

unwritten words,
unsaid feelings.

lost forever,
forgotten.

i hope they will discover,
that it was anxiety who did it.

anxiety and her companion, depression.
some will call it overthinking.

little do they know,
what the pair is capable of.

how do i strike a balance?
stuck in different dimensions.

one positive Peter,
the other, negative Nelly.

drifting back and forth,
feeling up, falling down.

swimming,
then drowning.

i yearn to dwell in the light,
yet i prefer the darkness.

seems my life is an oxymoron,
it's pretty ugly.

yet another cliché,
maybe i'm the *****.

maybe i don't see,
what's right in front of me.

a perfectly imperfect existence.
an unstable balanced mind.

maybe i am overthinking.
maybe i am normal.

Hey baby girl.
You are so beautiful.
Your smile is striking.
I wish you believed it more.
I wish you smiled more.
Your body is perfect, trust me.
Your flaws, they are flawless.
I am so sorry.
I am sorry, I failed us.
Our hopes.
Our dreams.
It was that low self-esteem, you see.
That poor self confidence.
We thought we'd grow out of it.
Truth is, we never really did.
And it's part of the reason we didn't make it.
Not to where we thought we would anyways.
But I want you to know that, it's okay.
Your girl is still trying.
Still fighting.
We will get there.
We still have time.
I was scrolling through our old pictures,
When we thought we still had all the time in the world.
We had everything we needed right there and then.
But somehow, we ended up here.
Well everything happens for a reason right?
I'm just really sorry.
I wish you knew what we know now.
The value of time.
The time value of money.
I wish we made better decisions.
I wish we prayed more.
I wish we knew just how powerful our mind was.
I wish we had better control over our emotions and our thoughts.
I wish we over came our deepest fears.
But it's not the end.
We are still breathing.
So there's still a chance.
A lot of time has lapsed.
We have lost people we thought would be there forever.
I just wish, when you were going through all of it, I was there to hold you.
To tell you to let go of things and people that don't serve you.
To protect your energy.
To never dwell on your mistakes.
And tell you that in a few years, the pain will be better.
Not gone, just better.
It doesn't ever go away, you see.
We can't forget the experiences that really changed us.
And we can't turn back the time we have lost.
But if I was there back then, I'd tell you that it doesn't really matter.
That there's so much more to come.
So much more to learn.
So much more to live for.
I wish you'd have known just how special you were.
I wish you'd have trusted your instincts better.
Listened to that small voice from within.
Hey, maybe that was me all along!
Your older and wiser higher self.
Who knows?
I wish I taught you how to love yourself better.
Appreciate yourself.
Believe in yourself.
And go after your wildest dreams.
That you are the ultimate prize.
You are a force to be reckoned with.
You are a queen.
You are your greatest weapon.
You are your own super hero.
Well, like I said.
It's never too late.
We will get there.
Slowly but surely.

Love,
Older and wiser me.

Lol you hate me.
You must really hate me.
What does Grey tick even mean?
I'm not thinking of you?
I don't care for you?
You mean nothing to me?
What does it really mean?
Blue tick means, I read your message.
I read your message and couldn't care less.
I cared just enough to open the message,
And read it.
Without responding.
I mean I get it.
It's no obligation.
But Grey tick?
Not only was your message delivered,
I did not care enough to open it.
Do you find me that revolting?
Was it something I said?
Is it the way I look?
Is it the way I talk?
The manner in which I carry myself?
Which one is it?
Honestly, I'd rather you read my message and make the obvious choice to ignore me.
I took my time to think, type and send.
The least you can do is read.
Grey tick?
It's beneath me!
I deserve better.
I might be a nuisance,
But I deserve the truth.
Rather block me,
Stick a knife in my heart,
Smash my head in with a brick,
Poison my food,
Slit my throat,
Shoot me in the head,
Scratch my eyes out,
Smother me to death.
Than Grey tick me!
I'm offended.
I'm human.
How am I not worth a simple Blue tick?
Lol you hate me.
You must really hate me.

Watching my dreams die and turn into scattered dust.
Covered in mortifying shame and sinful lust.
My soul wandering, slithering around broken.
The angels have me lost and forsaken.
These tears and sorrows are my chains.
I am bleeding inside from these chest pains.
It's myself I resent the most.
It's myself I blame the most.
How could I be so weak and vulnerable?
Seems I'm not at all worthy or lovable.
Yes, the amount of self pity is considerable.
But I somehow find it comforting and it's comfortable.
Being constantly intolerably miserable.
So undeniably alone it's unexplainable.
Inner peace seems so far and unattainable.
The depth of the damage inside is irrecoverable.
What haunts me most is that I am the one responsible.
The desire to perish and leave it all behind is unstoppable.
Is it possible that redemption and light is possible?

Well here we are, I forgive you.
You never said you're sorry but I forgive you.
I accept the apology I never heard from you.
With this I take back my all strengths.
I have gone through great lengths.
To be able to say this to you here and now.
I've made peace with it somehow,
How you left without reason.
It's a new day. A new season.
So wherever you go,
I want you to know
That I hate you no more.
I mean this from my core.
Fly like a bird you are free to go.
Wherever it is you decide to go,
Please don't ever think to come back.
Stay far away from my track.

I miss you.
But my pride,
Will never let me reach out.
My ego,
Will never let me tell you.
My feelings are strong,
But my dignity is stronger.
I hope you are well.
I know pride has got you by the neck as well.
Maybe we are meant to be.
We will never know,
Will we?
Because we are so alike.
I am proud.
And so are you.
I chose pride over my feelings.
So do you.
I don't know where I stand with you,
So I assume.
So do you.
Me and you are perfect together.
But only without our egos.
I'm not willing to let go of my vanity.
Neither are you.
So where does that leave us?
Nowhere.

It wasn't love was it?
As much as it felt like it
As much as it seemed like it
Love doesn't run
It shines like the sun
Love doesn't fail
It doesn't bail
Love doesn't give up
Love rises up
Above all doubt
Survives disaster and drought
But ours didn't
Because it wasn't love was it?
As much as it looked like it
As much as sounded like it
Love is not selfish
It doesn't quickly perish
Love holds on through thick and thin
Through every loss, every win
In sickness and in health
In poverty or wealth
It means you accept my flaws
You stick with me through peace or a million wars
But you left, you walked away
If it was love, you would stay
But it wasn't love was it?
As much as it felt like it
As much as it seemed like it
It was no such thing as love
Please don't ever call it love
I hate you for not loving me
I resent you for faking loving me
I needed real love
I wanted real love
Not what you gave me
After I let you have me
Over and over
Made you my one and only lover
It wasn't love was it
I loved you, but you didn't

it's okay to feel.

you  are breaking
generational curses
generational traumas

some of those emotions
are not even your own

I hate you
I don't want to but I do
How could you?
How dare you?

Take me for a fool
Use me like a tool
Man I thought we were cool
But you used me
Abused me
Confused me
Bruised me
How'd I ever love you?
How'd I ever care for you
I don't deserve it
Wish I could reverse it
My love pure, yet you didn't preserve it

I hate you
I don't want to but I do
How could you?
How dare you?

Play me like a toy
**** all my joy
You're an evil boy

I'm going insane.
I'm searching his name,
Surname,
Nickname,
On every platform.
Whatsapp.
LinkedIn.
Facebook.
Twitter.
Instagram.
Tiktok.
YouTube.
Who is he?
What does he like?
All I have is his name.
I want to know him.
I have to know him.
I want to marry him.
What is his handle?
Why is his account private?
What did he repost?
Where did he check in?
What did he retweet?
What did he like?
What did he react to?
Is he on Tinder?
Is he even on social media?
Just want to find out if him and I,
Are meant to be?
This might be love.
I have to find him.
It's not stalking.
It's online research.

Good day Sir!
Please kindly help me.
I am lost.
I am looking for the road to salvation.
Where there's aspiration and elevation.
Please point me in the right direction.
Where can I find real happiness?
Where can I stumble upon real love?
Do I turn left or right?
Go straight on and continue to fight?
Until I see the light?
Please help me kind sir, I've been seeking all my life.
I've been to the after life.
Searching and pleading.
Bruised, broken and bleeding.
Knelt in the middle of the road and prayed,
But it seems I have been betrayed,
By God's word and my faith.
I've been sent on a wild goose chase.
I've been lurking for days.
On this path to deliverance.
In pursuit of paradise.
I have been lost for so long.
Trying to find where I belong.
I've met demons who led me astray.
And angels who helped pave my way.
I'm exhausted from walking,
I've grown weary from wandering.
My soles are covered in blisters.
People mocking me, I hear their whispers.
"Look at her shoes.
Is this the life she would choose?"
They are whispering so softly,
Yet so loud.
I am beginning to question my sound mind.
People are cruel, yet you seem kind.
Please help me.
I am sorry to disturb your peace,
You're so lucky to have found it.
Have you traveled this route before?
Is there a shorter way? Tell me more.
My feet refuse to carry me any further.
My heart is as light as a feather.
I've run out of breath.
I'm on the verge of death.
Please say you can help me.
I am lost.
I am looking for the road to salvation.
Where there's aspiration and elevation.
Please point me in the right direction.
I've been told that I am the chosen one.
That I shall break the chains of generations to come.
But how can I?
I am so lost.

I'm in love with the ghost of you
So in love
I'd rather love your shadow
Than love you
I'd rather love
The memory of your face
The smile imprinted in my head
The dreams I have of you
Late at night
The thought of your touch
The recollection of your voice
I'm in love with the reminiscence of you
The nolstagia
Reliving every moment
Day dreaming of what could have been
You're a calendar of thoughts to me
Of memoirs
You're a voice from the past
You're a vow unfulfilled
A regular flash from the past
A hallucination
A ruse
A fairly tale
It's like we never happened
I'm in love with the delusion you
Every day discovering the non existing parts
Of you
And I'd rather love the myth of the man
Than love you
You were so toxic
In my fantasy,  
You are not
I'm in love with the ghost of you
For it is perfect

what a brutal exchange of words
between long time friends
we're each grabbing on to our sharpest knives
fighting for our dear lives
to the death
we used to be mates, till death
do us apart
yet here we are, torn apart
you're using what i told you hushedly
as amour to shred me
as you attack me
and continue to attack me
i'm in awe
we made a vow
i trusted you once
i loved you once
wholeheartedly so
but we're at war now, so
my sword is my words
i do not mean to cause wounds
only to teach
only to reach
out to you, the level of distress
the merciless mess
you have caused me
how did we get here?
when did we get here?
we cared for each other
did we not, care deeply for each other?
you said i used you, i'm to blame
did you not do the same?
your bruised male ego
stood no chance against
my female manipulation
i can be toxic beyond imagination
as we block one another,
i hope 'tis the last we e'er hurt each other
i hope we're even now
i hope we ne'er meet again
your words cut deeper than a blade to the skin
i don't curse you, you only longed to be seen
'tis not your fault i could ne'er love you
the way that you needed me to
'twas always romantic for you,
'twas always more platonic for me.
i'm sorry i couldn't feel
what you wanted me to feel
but your vile words
could split worlds
you can't resent me for something
beyond my control
the heart wants what it wants
and that was ne'er you
forget your vanity,
what about my dignity
you stripped of,
with your ruthless rumble?
it pierced deeper than a needle
it burnt worse than wildfire
i can't stop it from torturing my mind
i trusted you, old friend
you used my trauma against me
everything i told you late at night,
when it was just you and i,
about my dad who left me
my true love who walked out on me
how dare you say it was all my fault?
after all the hard work i've put in
to heal from the pain
how could you be so vain
you're dead to me from this day
on, may we n'ver cross paths again, come what may
alas, old friend

Who is going to care for my heart?
Who is going to catch me when I fall?
Who will wipe my tears away?
Who will laugh with me?
Who will love me?
Dear God,
Why have you left me
All alone?
With no one.
But myself.
Who is going to love me?

It hurts.
It burns.
Every day.
In every way.
I cry about it.
Obsess over it.
Night by night.
Against my might.
It cuts deep.
I can't fall asleep.
You don't see me.
Why can't you see me?
Will you ever see me?
Like I see you?
I see you.
More than you'll ever know.
In my dreams.
My thoughts.
In my memories.
I see you all the time.
I can't stop.
Seeing you.
I wish you saw me,
Too.
What would it take,
For you to see me?
What do I have to do?
For you to see me?
I'd do anything.
For you to see me.

A life growing inside me
I don't want it
I don't need it
Not yet Lord
Forgive me for I'm about to sin
Thank you for your gift
But sadly, I'd like to return it please
Not because I'm ungrateful
Not because I don't respect life
But not now
Please not now
Age says i'm ready
My body says i'm ready
But I am not
I can't do it
Bring a human to life?
Nurture and care for her?
Not now
Love her and provide for her needs?
Console her when she cries?
Tell her it will be alright?
Hold her till she falls asleep?
Not now
Forgive me Lord
For I am about to sin
I am about to send this life
You have gracefully placed in my womb
Back to the heavens to be with You
I think You will take better care of her
Than I ever will

God says

God says: I see you
God says: I am always true
I see all your weary tears
I know all your mortifying fears
I see your deepest, most darkest pain
Your sorrows are never in vain
He says: I hear your burning weep
I see you struggle to fall asleep
From all the thoughts that haunt you
From all the demons that chase you
He says: Come to me and trust in my love
I am the one true God up above
I am constantly by your side
I stay faithful when you abide
God says: Talk to me about all that you are feeling
I see you in the night when you are kneeling
And can't find the words to express your buried emotion
I want you to know that I admire your devotion
I watch over you
I send my angels to guide you
God says: You are my child
Release the hurt that troubles your mind
I will not forsake you
I will never leave you
I can never change
The earth is not your cage
God says: I want you to live
I want you to forgive
God says: I love you
He says: I care for you
Open up your heart and hear His word
Feel His spirit that travels through the world
Stay true to your undeniable calling
Even when it feels like you are forever falling
Because God says:  I see you
I am loving and true
Stay devoted to your path
You will never have to feel my wrath
I am the one true God up above
I sent my only son to you all out of love
God says: I am here
I see all that you bear
All the burden that you carry
But you don't have to worry
Because I am God and I love you
I am God and I love you
You don't have to feel alone
You don't have to be alone
I am here
I am your God and I am here
I am always here
God says: I am forever here

I don't care how we met
Don't care how far we may get

You make me feel things I've never felt before
Makes me want you more and more
Your smile, your face, your soft beard
This is exactly what I've always feared
A man who makes me loose control
Touches every single slither of my soul

I don't care how we met
For I know it's not over just yet

The mere sight of your body pleases me
The mere taste of your lips hypnotizes me
It is like I am floating on warm ice
This is real love and I am paying the price
This is what an ****** feels like
This is what loving a real man feels like

I don't care where we met
This is as good as it may get

Hope?
Oh, he left me.
I wasn't good enough for him.
Left, said he was coming back.
Never saw him again.
I tried to keep Hope by my side.
Nothing I didn't do for Hope.
I told Hope that I loved him.
That I needed him.
But he vanished.
Couldn't bear the mere sight of me.
Couldn't bear to hear me say his name over and over.
"I have Hope!"
"Hope is all I need"
I kept on proclaiming.
Looked back, and he was gone.
Didn't text me back.
Didn't bother to phone me back.
Left me there all alone.
Hanging by a thread. Me!
Asking, "has anyone seen Hope?"
"Where is Hope?"
Never laid my eyes upon him again.
Never felt close to him again.
I cried so many tears.
After so many years,
I still miss Hope.
Hope was my friend.
I wish he was still my friend.
After I showed him that I believed in him,
He left.
Now I'm left with despair.
He never leaves.
He's always here.
I need my Hope back.
Does he know I still think of him?
If you happen to cross paths with him,
Please tell him that I miss him.
I miss when we were younger.
We shared so much.
I remember his soft touch.
His kiss.
His embrace.
We would talk dreams all day long.
He made them feel real.
Possible.
Nothing I couldn't do.
Long as I had him.
I'll never know why he left.
I don't know where to find him.
He's a sweet memory now.
I'm with Despair now.
He's not any fun.

Does loneliness ****?
Is it fatal?
Surely I'll be dead soon.
Or I'll jump off a hill.

Does loneliness talk?
Can it hold a conversation?
I'm certain I can hear it's voice.
I do nothing but sulk.

Is it a disease?
I feel sick.
It's like I'm going mad.
When does it cease?

Is it possible to feel so empty?
When there's billions of people.
Could I possibly die alone?
With no one to save me.

There's a man.
He left his home.
For a better life.
More opportunities.
He left for Johannesburg.
The city of gold.
Girls are beautiful and bold.
He misses home.
His mother.
His father.
He has to stay here.
Stay here and hope,
For a brighter future.
A record deal.
The next meal,
Is a mystery.
He lives in a squabble.
He wears the same jeans.
He hopes.
He prays,
For a better life.
Make his parents proud.
Is he good enough?
There's a million out there like him.
What makes him special?
Better than the others.
Is it luck it depends on?
Is it honest hard work?
He works hard.
He tries hard.
Nothing happens.
He yearns for it.
He needs it.
A glamorous life.
He fakes it.
They say fake it until you make it.
He fakes it alright.
But never makes it.
He is a mockery.
They stopped believing in him.
Will he ever make it?
Less talented people have signed deals.
What is wrong with him?
He struggles with mental health.
He doesn't know how to love.
He doesn't know how to live.
Why doesn't he reach his high heights?
Why does he not make it?
Help him.
Somebody help him.
He's becoming bitter.
He's starting to hate everyone who makes it.
Thinking, where did he wrong?
Sleeping on his friend's couch.
Maybe he should have studied law.
He's special.
But he's no Eminem.
He's no Jay Z.
He's no J Cole.
He's no Drake.
Who is he really?
Nobody knows.

My hatred for you consumes me.
I hate you for what you did to me.
It is not just what you did,
It is how you did what you did.
As much as I can try to understand why you had to.
The way that it broke me is the reason I can't forgive you.
But me not being able to forgive me feeds on my soul.
The way that you ended things was foul.
You said that your love for me had diminished.
Those words had my heart and my whole being finished.
It was as if you ripped me apart.
I am still picking up the pieces of my heart.
The ones that you left behind.
I still can't fathom this in my mind.
You left me. Broken pieces and all.
Tears falling down my face and all.
You broke me. All the love and loyalty I gave.
I had no choice left but to cave,
To this sudden decision you had made.
How did your love for me just fade?
Was it ever there to begin with?
Or was your love for me just a myth?
You ended me. As much as I hate to admit it,
You took everything from me and left me in a dark pit,
A dark pit of despair and guilt.
Everything we had built,
Had crashed in front of my eyes.
All this because of your lies,
Your lies about loving me forever.
I watched that get washed in the river.
It is like you were even there.
I regret the day I met you with every shed tear.

I lost a part of me
Loved you more than I ever loved myself
Placed you on the highest pedestal, forgot about self
Yours was all I ever wanted to be
That is when I lost a part of me
Nothing else mattered if it was not you
Never have I ever been so loyal and so true
Your greatest love was all I ever wanted to be
Somehow, I loved and lost a part of me
The more I loved you, was the more I lost me
I could never find myself again
How could I ever be so insane?
I lost myself, all in vain
And now I suffer eternal pain
I bleed from my heart's core
I cry myself sore
It is as if, I will never find me again
Never love anyone or anything again
Not even myself
All that is left is fear and a hole in my heart
Never thought we would ever be apart
But here I am missing a part of me
And you are out there, living, not knowing that you took a part of me
I am curious, what do you do with it?
Do you even feel that it is there?
Does your new love see it?
In your eyes? In your smile?
Is it gone forever? Or is this just for a short while?
How do I get it back to myself once more?
I yearn to be whole once more
But if I have to see your face once more
To get back what you took from me once upon a time
Then I would rather you keep it until the end of time
I guess I will just grow it back
When I finally have the strength to love and not feel a strain on my back
From the fear of loving carelessly once again
From the terror of losing a part of me once again
It shall grow back
And I will be sure to never lose it again
I must be so foolish, and you must be so selfish
How can I let you walk away from me, and how can you just walk away from me,
With a part of me?
I need it back, that is my only wish

To my brother.
From me, your sister.

I wish you quit the reckless drinking.
It turns you into a senseless being.
Mom is tired. She is hurting.
The constant crying and fighting.
Our family is torn.
uMakhulu is gone.
No one knows how to help you.
We still have hope, for the skies are still blue.
I lost all respect for you the night you laid hands on our mother.
Your son is ashamed of identifying you as his father.
But for as long as I live,
I am willing to forgive.
For as long as our mother lives, I can't give up on hope for your redemption.
She never stops praying and pleading to God for your salvation.
I hope you see the light, before it's too late.
I hope you release your heart from all the self-hate.
It doesn't matter where your substance abuse originated.
But you become a monster when you're intoxicated.
There's a thin line between a fun night out and alcohol abuse.
There's more to life than just drugs and *****.
God did not bring you here to drink 'till the death.
That was not the purpose of your birth.
I pray that you realise your true purpose and full potential.
The life you're leading is not practical.
And we plead with you to put this to an end.
Alcolol is your worst enemy and not your trusted friend.
You are capable of achieving so much more.
I always remember what you were like before.
The ambitious, talented and full of life.
I hope you find your wings and fly.
It's sad that no one visits anymore, because they fear you.
They fear for their lives, and what you might do.
Myself included too.
In all my dreams, you are attacking me, chasing me.
Is this really who you want to be?
I wish you could see yourself the way that we see you.
And maybe, you will desire to change too, as much as we do.
Your behavior is bad to an extent that we sometimes wish you would die.
That somehow life without in it would be better, no lie.
I'm not saying this to hurt you.
But only you can change how we feel about you.
By letting go of the things that you do.
I pray you gain the strength that you need.
To face your demons without the beer and the ****.
I want you to know that we love you and we care.
Whenever you're ready to do better we will be here.
We want to be a whole family again.
We want to be happy and free from pain.
I believe you can change.
You are not stuck in a cage.
You have us. From the bottom of my heart,
Please stop tearing us apart.


With love.
Your baby Sister.

I hope grace locates you,
And never leaves your side.
I hope you continue to shine,
And never cease your light.
May God bestow his best blessings,
Upon you and yours,
And continue to bless you,
For all eternity.
May darkness fear your presence,
And the light be ever comfortable in your existence.
May you never again feel pain.
I hope you find peace so pleasant,
That you continue to dwell in it,
For all eternity.
May you never again feel the grasp of grief,
Nor the frustration of failure,
Nor fear.
Nor the sting of shame,
Nor despair.
May the cloud of sadness abandon your side forever,
And that of happiness accompany you to the grave.
May joy be your daily bread.
May bliss be your every day song.
May your heart be filled with love,
So unconditional it prevails,
Against all odds.
May you be protected against all evil.
May the devil tremble at your feet.
May the angels shelter you under their sacred wings.
May your wildest dreams come true,
Better than you have envisioned.
May you never lack.
May your pockets never run dry,
For generations to come.
I wish endless abundance upon you.
I wish boundless prosperity upon you.
I declare everlasting wealth and health, upon your life.
May the world see God's graciousness, through you.
And let them follow your righteous path,
For you stayed true.
You fought valiantly.
You showed perseverance and courage.
And for that,
I hope grace locates you,
And never leaves your side.
I hope you continue to shine,
And never cease your bright light.
May God bestow his biggest blessings,
Upon you and yours.
And continue to bless you,
For all eternity.

Amen and amen...

For a split second, I forgot
I forgot that there was a me before you
I forgot my own strength
I doubted my own resilience
And so I told you that I needed you
Can't do this all by myself
Can't live without you
But I remembered, I remembered
That there was a me before you
I remembered my own strength
Though you left
You didn't take my strength with you
Though you left
You didn't take me with you
I am still here

As I wipe, all I hope to see is blood
Lord knows I ain't ready for no child
God, I'm sorry I chose to be blind
I knew it was wrong
But it had been so long
Since someone was inside me
So I let him ****** inside me
Been so lonely
I don't have any money
To care of an offspring
It was only a fling
I am praying
For a miracle
Wishing to be infertile
Just this once
A kid without any vows
Would be a sin
And I'd much rather drink gin
Than be pregnant

I hope he's happy
I hope he's in love
That he's giving it his all
He's not holding back
I hope it ends in a fairly tale for him
And that he finds real love
As for me,
I will heal
And when I finally do
I'll be genuinely happy for him
But for now,
It still hurts

Trust in the skies above.
Believe in everlasting love.
Have hope,
Don't sit and mope.
Hope in the stars.
Despite all your scars.
Everything happens for a reason.
Pain is only for a season.
Live and forgive.
Open up your heart and give.
Give love. Show kindness.
Possibilities are endless.
Have hope,
Don't just sit and mope.
Stay hopeful.
Stay grateful.
Find your purpose and fulfill it.
Grab onto life by the horns and live it.
Love unconditionally.
Live unapologetically.
Above all, have hope,
Life's too short to sit and mope.

Here's what I wish for you,
That you find yourself once again.
That you escape from your past.
Get up once again.
Shake off the dust.
It doesn't matter how hard you fell.
How much you think you have lost.
You can be who you once were,
And even better than before.
It's up to you.
Show up every day.
Work on yourself in every way.
The one person you can never give up on,
Is you.
The one person you should never disappoint,
Is you.
It's not too late.
It's never too late.
Every day is a new chance.
Make a new choice.
You don't have to stay stuck where you are.
You can get up from your fall.
It's okay.
The universe will take care of you,
If you take care of you.
It doesn't matter who left,
Who changed,
Who hurt you.
It's time to get up now.
You've been lying there for some time now.
You've burnt a hole in the ground that reflects your shape.
It's time to get up now.
Pour sand in the hole you've drilled with your tears,
And seal it for good.
You can't fall in that hole again.
It's time to get up.
Take my hand.
Please get up.

There's always a bit of hope
And then it's gone
Every time there's hope,
It gets taken away
By reality

i couldn't make you love me
as much as i tried
gave you the best of me
loved you with everything I had
i didn't hold anything back
but you could never love me
even if you tried
it just wasn't in you
i just wasn't the one
not for you
you needed someone else
you wanted something else
not what i gave to you
i wish i'd known better
enough to walk away sooner
the flashbacks of me begging
you to stay with me
still haunt me to this day
i still can't believe i acted that way
i can't believe how desperate i was
for you to love me
as much as i loved you
unrequited love is a *****
it hurts like nothing else
i'd give anything to take it all back
save my love for someone else
someone who can love me back
as much as i love them
or maybe even more
enough to make up for your part

Always trying to figure out,
Where I went wrong.
It's like I blinked,
And suddenly,
I was in a deep dark hole.
Not knowing how I fell in,
Or when.
My whole life is a blur.
I don't have any memories,
Of who I used to be,
Before I became,
A sad;
Lonely;
Broke;
Broken;
Depressed;
Anxious;
Unloved;
Adult.
I­t's all I know.
When did I make the decision,
To become a failure?
How did I become,
A victim of life?
How do I turn things around?
Make life meaningful.
Have meaningful relationships.
Nothing feels real.
I lost myself trying to heal.
I wish for death like it's nothing.
Every time I see a "rest in peace" post,
Deep down I wish it was me.
Thinking: "You're so lucky to be dead."
I've stopped believing.
I've accepted,
Misery.
And all its friends and foes.
I can't count how many times a day,
I say:
"I wish I was dead"
"I'm so lonely"
When does it end?
Does it ever end?
I wish somebody loved me.
Am I feeling sorry for myself?
Yes!
Do I know how to stop?
No!
Am I worthy of unconditional love?
Absolutely!
Will I reach it?
I don't know!

Tell my mama that I am so sorry
I leave her with no glory
Shame killed me
Sorrow ended me
The dark cloud that follows me around
Finally left a fatal wound
To my friends,
I leave you with the happy moments we shared
To my lovers,
I leave you with the passion we felt
To my colleagues,
I leave you with the knowledge I taught
To my family,
I leave you with my love
Remember me for my smile and my pride
Do not dwell on the loss
Or the suffering that I perfected to hide
Remember me for my sarcasm
Remember me for my enthusiasm
My zeal for good food and wine
How no matter what, I always seemed fine
It is with a heavy heart that I cease my bright light
Sadly, I have lost the final fight
I leave you with no wealth
Only the sting of sudden death
I leave you with no tangible assets
Only failed success and bad debts
I shall rest now and at last meet with my creator
Farewell, I hope to see you later
Please, tell my mama that I am sorry

Corona virus
From China, to Italy, to Spain and even Cyprus
You meneaver through cities, through countries and continents
Whether servants, residents or even infants
Everyone is at risk, I have to admire your competence
I weep for those in denial still showing signs of ignorance and resistance
A killing machine is what you are, your excellence
You demand the whole world to bow down to you or suffer in abundance
Your bring chaos in each of your movements
You have the universe in lock down in small compartments
This is by far one of  God's greatest punishments
Whether you came from bats, cats or rodents
You are deadly and us your weakest opponents
You have every soul trembling at your name, shaking parliaments
I truly, truly admire your commitment
To end all life possible, whether civilian or reinforcement
We witness a global crisis and fear of sky high unemployment
While we lack hope, excitement and enjoyment
Many face retrenchment and bouncing cheques for monthly installment
Whilst the economy is devoured through travel ban and no trade arrangement
Whilst our currencies grow weaker and weaker to our detriment
Whilst the poor die in out patient
You continue to punish and torment
Because you find it so convenient
Whilst we have no words left of encouragement
Beating you would be our greatest accomplishment
Women and children praying for victory and enlightenment
Yet the rising number of cases and deaths their daily discouragement
Each day ends in despair and disappointment
Each day you take life with no regret or sentiment
Dear God, please forgive us for sin and infringement
Give us this day to lament and repent
Let this not be our final days of judgment
Deliver us from the Corona virus
May we be free once again and prosperous
Please, don't let this destroy us
We plead for your mercy, please don't ignore us
You God, are our last hope to salvation
Save us, let us once more taste liberation
We promise to cherish it and never show deviation
From your path, your commandments and regulation
We promise to stay true and abide to your interdiction
We are your children and forever in need of your protection
Please let us live and fulfill your expectation
We cry out to you as a nation
May our tears fall into your arms of understanding
Your love is faithful and everlasting
May we remain among the living
Surely, our crimes are worth forgiving

"Our father who art in heaven
Hallowed be thy name
Thy kingdom come
Thy will be done on earth as it is in heaven
Give us this day our daily bread
And forgive us our trespasses
As we forgive those who trespass against us
Lead us not into temptation
But deliver us from evil
For thine is the kingdom
The power and the glory
Forever and ever
Amen "

How do I beat loneliness?
It follows me around like a dark cloud.
It's dark and filled with sadness.
It makes no sound but it's really loud.

It brings me so many tears.
It leaves me feeling so worthless.
It's been so many years,
Filled with emptiness

No one sees me.
I seem to be invisible.
No one here, just me.
Loneliness seems to be invincible.

It's like I'm hardly living.
I'd choose death over this any day.
How can God be so unforgiving?
How can I live this way?

Please, how do I beat loneliness?
I'm slowly fading away into nothingness.
I am one with the emptiness.
"Hi, nice to meet you. I'm lonely"

Black lives matter
My life matters

You can't **** me because of my color
My life is valuable like any other
I don't deserve to be punished or to suffer
For being a person of color
Your actions are viscous, your words are ******
You dishonor my origin and my culture
I was made in God's image
Don't be fooled by your privilege
I bleed the same way that you do
I am as human as you
Why do you hate me?
What makes you want to hate me?
You don't even know me
Yet you find me appalling
Your hatred towards me is alarming
I am not a criminal
Your issues with me are purely political

Black lives matter
My life matters

This is a sensitive issue to many like you
Controversial yet the question is long overdue
Why do you hate me?
What have I done to make you hate me?
I've done you no wrong, sir
I don't even know you, sir
I can't breathe, sir
Please get your knee off of my neck, sir
Is it me you fear or my greatness
How I thrive regardless
Of your contempt towards me
Your resentment towards me
Is it really me you hate?
Or is it yourself you loathe the most?
Is it my soft melanin skin
That offends you and pushes you to sin?
You'd rather **** me
Than admire me
You'd rather step on me
Than accept me
How dare you despise God's own creation?
Do you not pray to the same God for salvation?
Do you not praise His name and call Him the creator of all life?
Yet you see no substance to my life
Is it God you hate then?
For creating me, because I'm certainly not to blame
My life is not yours for the taking
I am God's very own making

My life matters
I matter

Black lives matter