Spiritual awakening.
Is this the end or the beginning?

I'm confused.
Deepest parts of me bruised.

I've lost all that used to matter.
My mind is in clutter.

What is the meaning of this?
What kind of sick game is this?

I'm being torn from the inside out.
Chills from sincere drought.

I long for clarity.
For prosperity.

I don't seek popularity.
I don't need charity.

I'm stuck in solidarity.
Stripped off my identity.

Who am I ?
How do I get by?

I'm all alone.
Every one has come and gone.

Spiritual awakening.
Rude awakening.

I'm barely breathing.
Like a baby teething.

I'm in so much pain.
I'm going insane.

I'm losing my mind.
I can see but I'm blind.

Open my third eye already.
I am more than ready.

This face, it hides hides a lot
But this face, is all I've got
I may smile, does not mean I'm not wounded
I may laugh, does not mean I don't feel bounded
I may joke, doesn't mean I'm free
Just because I don't let you see
My tears
My fears
My sorrow
My doubt for tomorrow
Doesn't mean I'm fine
Just because I don't whine
I don't cry or breakdown
I don't fall of or frown
Doesn't mean I don't hurt
Doesn't mean I'm not covered in dirt
I choose to wear my crown
Wear my crystal gown
And hide these tears
Hide these fears
But deep down I am suffering
Its not flattering
To accept my flaws
I'd rather cling finger nails and claws
To my pride glory
Than feel helpless and sorry
So please, if you do see my weakness
If you come across my meekness
Do not mock me
Do not crack me
Turn a blind eye
Pretend you don't see the spark in my eye
From pain and strain
Pretend the water on my face is but rain
Do not expose my torment and misery
For I swear to turn to turn it into my golden victory
Some day
Some day when the skies allow me to have my way
When the sun smiles down at me
And allows me to be who I want to be
When true love finds me
And turns me to the best version of me
When happiness stays with me
And really wants to be with me
When I find the pieces of me missing
When I finally receive my blessing
Although some words are left unspoken
Please don't ever remind me of this moment

What hurts me most
Is not that you disappointed me
Or that you left at my worst
What hurts most is that I will never see you again
Talk to you again
See you smile
Hold you for a while
It's astonishing
After everything you did so vile
I still miss you
I still need you
I still want you
I still love you
Plenty fish in the sea but I don't want to go fishing
It's you I miss
It's you I need
It's you I want
It's you I love
Our love was different
It was magnificent
Or so I thought
But now I'm starting to doubt

you said you loved me,
i heard you say it.
you said you cared for me,
i heard you say it.

where are you going?
why are you leaving?
have you had enough of my loving?
come back here, don't you hear me screaming?

you see me crying,
yet you still choose to walk away from me.
don't you see me trying?
is this what it's come to be?

not going to ask you again,
where do you think you're going?
i can't describe this pain.
i can't comprehend this feeling.

this feeling, it is foreign.
i thought we were meant to be.
i missed everything, any sign.
tell me that this isn't us, it isn't me!

tell me that i'm dreaming.
this can't be happening.
you are not leaving.
tell me i'm imagining.

it's in my head, it's all in my head.
you are here to stay,
unless i am dead,
we are forever and a day.

you said you loved me,
i heard you say it.
you said you cared for me,
i heard you say it.

look me in the eye.
and tell me that we are going to be alright.
tell me, that this is all a lie.
please, hold me tight.

you can't leave.
not this way,
i find this hard to believe.
please stay.

i need you.
only you.
it's always been you.
i've always been true.

don't you care for me anymore?
i'll change, i'll be better.
let's go back to how it was before.
only you and i matter.

she will never love you like i can.
i'd swallow the river for you.
you are my man.
i'd write a million songs for you.

you need me.
i know that you do.
you care for me.
i can see that you really do.

you said you loved me,
i heard you say it.
you said you cared for me,
i heard you say it.

Love, rejected me.
He, keeps on rejecting me.
Love, hates me.
Is love, supposed to hate?
He, does not see me for who I am.
He, does not need me.
He, does not want me.
He, will never want me nor need me.
Why, does love not want me?
Why, does love not need me?
For I, need love.
I, long for him.
How is he even capable of hate?
He is love!
He, does not notice me.
Does not see my heart.
Love, has never chosen me.
I love, love.
I, really do.
I, fantasize about love.
Love does not care for me.
Does not consider me.
Does not acknowledge me.
Never, loves me back.
Keeps, on hurting me.
Ignoring me.
Would he choose me if I was thin?
Is it, because I am fat?
Is, that the reason?
Is, that why I don't deserve love?
Because I am fat?
Why am I not good enough, for love?
Am I ever going to be good enough, for love?
I am tired of trying.
Love, why do you hate me?
Tell me the truth.
Would you rather, I was dead?
Love, please love me back.
Or send someone else, who will.
I am done begging, for love.
I've grown weary from waiting for you to love me.
I would rather be dead, than live without you.
There is no sight of you in my presence.
And it is killing me.
Tell me, what I have to do, to become one with you?
I will do it!
I swear on love, I will do anything.
Why, do you refuse to occupy my heart?
Is it cold?
Does it not beat to a rhythm you desire?
Tell me, for I will fix it.
I will do anything, I swear.
I will be anything you want me to be, I swear.
Just, see me.
I beg of you, see me.
Love me.
See me.
Accept me.
See me.
See me, love.
What do I have to, do to be worthy of you?
Who, do I need to be?

I swear these walls be talking.
They be whispering things about me.
They laughing at me.
All the time.
I swear!
I can hear them.

His love
His love
It is magnificent

It is made of pure gold
A  beautiful story untold
We let it unfold
Let it overflow

He is the closest thing to perfection
He fulfills my every satisfaction
Exceeds my every expectation
He sees beyond my every imperfection

This is real love filled with doses of passion
Love that never grows out of fashion
Love filled with dashes of compassion
Love that never demands any kind of compensation

He loves me
He adores me

When we make love, the earth quivers
My body trembles, it shivers
While he is rock hard and climbs me like a mountain
As I erupt like a bottomless fountain

Yes, he makes me ******
Winds my body like a sax
Love racing through my core
As I beg him for more and more
Of his love

I've never truly felt anything like it
Never really seen anything like it
It feels unreal
Like a delightful dream

I pray this never ever ends
Not just lovers, but two best friends
I love everything about him
Nothing I'd ever change about him

His smile is majestic
His laugh is poetic
His emotions are authentic
His body is magnetic

It draws me in
It locks me in
His touch, so smooth
His ambition filled youth

Everything about him shouts love
His love
Is magnificent

Being with him feels so natural
Being around him feels so magical
It's like I'm in a film sequel
And he is my equal

He's become apart of me from limb to limb
A soft kiss from me to him
Stolen glances
My soul dances
To the rhythm of his heart beat
He's my favorite song on repeat
Never misses a beat

Never fails to excite me
Happiness is him beside me
Peace is his arms around me
Love is him inside me

I love him
I adore him

His love
His love is different
It is magnificent

I'm inlove with you, Death.
I can't stop thinking about you, Death.
I wish you'd come for me.
Rescue me,
From the prison of life.
It's filled with nothing but pain.
Negative thoughts.
Self limiting beliefs.
Death, you seem like my savior.
My only way out.
Death, you shall be my hero.
You shall save me,
From myself,
From eternal sadness,
From self pity,
From feeling like I'm not good enough,
Like I don't matter.
Dear Death, if you're reading this,
Please come from me.
I will welcome you with open arms.
I will dwell in your house till judgement day comes upon us all.
I will embrace your darkness.
For my fragile heart knows no light.
I am trapped in melancholy.
I can't break free.
God hears others but not me.
I will take cover in your shelter,
As I look down upon those I once loved.
I will give my meaningless existence to you.
You will be my purpose,
My destiny.
Please save me.
I will give you my last breath.
You can have my heart,
For all eternity.
I will be yours and you will be mine.
I belong with you,
Not here.
Not in this circus of a world.
It is cruel.
I want to be by your side.
Not here, all by myself,
With no one to lean on.
I will give you my all.
I am yours for the reaping,
I am ripe and ready for your harvesting.
I surrender to your mercy of an eternal slumber.
Let me close my eyes forever.
I know not why I was created.
Maybe it was for you.
Please be mine.
I shall be your bride.
And you my groom of darkness.
I may never find happiness,
But at least I'll have you.
My prince of darkness.
I cherish you.
Every time you come for others,
I can't help but wish it was me.
I eagerly await my turn,
To be one with you.
I want to marry you, Death.
I want to dance with you, Death.
I'm in love with you, Death.

My brother, a slave to drug addiction.
I wish I could save you.
From the plague of perdition,
That you drag yourself through.

I pray for your salvation.
I hope to see your resurrection so long overdue.
I wish you freedom from substance suppression.
Liberation from the demons that torture you.

May you break free from the dark cloud of self-destruction.
I long to see the real you again.
Free from your tribulation, your affliction.
I wish you never again feel unbearable pain.

You put your body through endless torment.
You try to numb the agony you feel in your heart.
I wish you would choose to live each and every moment.
Whether ease or discomfort.

I find myself at a loss for words,
As I witness the hopelessness in our mother’s eyes.
It is as if we dwell in different worlds.
The sorrows you pile upon us tell no lies.

I wish I could save you.
I wish I could save our family from the shame.
I hope one day you will see what we see in you.
A cold-blooded monster. Surely, you are not to blame.

It is the reality we were forced to embrace, a misty dew of throes.
It could have been me,
Who surrendered to wreck and woes.
Without doubt, it could have been me.

I too, know the pain of feeling unworthy and unloved.
Surely, there is still hope in a mother's unconditional love.

I'd give anything to never see your face again, for it is torture.
Seeing your face everyday, is torture.
Seeing your face everyday, knowing that I will never wake up to it one day.
I'll never know the touch of your hands.
The warmth of your breath against my neck.
The taste of your soft lips upon mine.
The gaze of your eyes upon mine.
Nor your embrace upon me.
Your husky voice when you wake.
It kills me.
Knowing this, kills me.
I'd rather not exist, than live with this.
I'll never hear you say "I love you".
Never hear you say "I miss you".
Never see you cry.
Never watch you dance.
Never hear you sing.
Never see you holding our son.
How is it that you're not meant for me, when I feel this way about you?
When you reside in my mind permanently to no end?
When I don't see myself with another beside me but you?
How is it possible, to love someone so dearly?
Someone who will never feel the same way?
Surely I am ill.
Surely I despise myself.
Surely I am worth nothing.
Surely you hate me as well.
How do you not see me, the way that I see you?
Surely I am hideous to set eyes upon.
Surely I am no one.
And you are everything to me.
I wish for no one else but you.
I long for no one else but you.
I hate this feeling.
I hate every last bit of it.
I hate you!
I love you, I truly do.
But I hate the way that you make me feel about myself.
About the world.
About love.
About you.
Please release me.
Why won't you die, and release me?
I'll never be free for as long as you live.
Release me.
For God's sake.
Release me.
I am tired.
If you won't die, maybe I should.
I'd rather die than see your face again.
I'd give anything to never see your face again, for it is torture.
Even if if means dying.

Since you chose death,
My dearly departed.
It is as though I am alone deserted on planet earth.
You have left me dismayed and disheartened.

The void you leave behind is unimaginable.
I have since not found peace nor slumber.
The pain you leave behind is unbearable,
Since you opted to surrender.

To the death angel, you succumbed;
As you drew your final breath.
Did you think of me when you plunged,
Into the infinite river of death?

Oh, how I wish you were here still.
I curse the mighty death and his kith and kin.
For to have you amongst the living, I would fight and ****.
Although it is yet the greatest sin.

Since death chose you,
And you are now but ash and dust.
I eternally miss you,
And fate is ever unjust.

She takes the most underserving of souls,
Into her black forest of gruesome beasts.
Filled with demons and ghastly ghouls,
Where the reaper feasts and feasts.

No more, is your flesh and bones.
Since you and death now dance together,
To a rhythm of dreadful, wicked woes.
You married the groom of nightfall forever.

And I envy peace and slumber,
For I long and weep for you, until my final hour.

Love, 'tis not real!
For I love someone,
Who shares no love for me.
Does not envision me in that fashion.
How then, can love exist?
How, do I mourn a love never encountered nor experienced?
Forget a kiss never felt upon my lips?
Long for an embrace never lived?
Yet it dwells in my conscience,
Probably permanently.
Close upon constantly.
For I keep pondering,
Where lies my fault?
I am ever grasping for air to breathe.
Love, has never been real, a mere ruse!
For, I love someone.
Yet, they will never love me.
Perhaps, I am deranged.
'Tis my own negligence.
For loving someone,
Who will never see me.
Perhaps, love does exist.
For, I love someone.
I, truly love someone.
I wish someone loved me too.
Love, cannot possibly be real.
For, how can true love be unrequited?
How can real love be loss?
How can love be so lonely?

I feel lonely.
But not only that,
I also feel sad.

I feel anxious.
But not only that,
I also feel extremely overwhelmed.

I feel exhausted.
But not only that,
I also feel very hopeless.

I feel like dying.
But not only that,
I really want to **** myself.

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i will never be kind again
for people mistaken kindness
for weakness
they see it as an opportunity
to walk all over you
mock you
belittle you
there is no reward
in being kind and humble
people will take advantage
they will treat you like the underdog
cast their insecurities on to you
they say it is free to be kind
that is no truth
being kind is expensive
it will cost you your peace of mind
your mental well-being
your confidence
your self-esteem
your energy is the highest commodity
treat it as such
like the British pound
can't trade with just any ordinary currency
do not be overly kind
treasure your aura
and only share it with those who are truly worthy
for not everyone is your friend
people are full of st
and they will always try to put you down
to make themselves feel better
heed my warning
for i learnt the hard way
that people are full of st