wallowing in self hate
swallowing mine own tears
sadness over mine own fate
madness from mine own fears

chained by mine own anxiety
claimed by the arms of melancholy
tossing and turning to grasp mine own identity
crossing and burning bridges cowardly

this life shows no bearing
this strife feels like God's mistake
surely, suffering should see ending
purely, i wish to be unawake

i would run up to the depths of the earth
i should then be alas free
maybe, a gun to mine own head shall reverse the date of mine own birth
lately, when i call upon the Lord, He does not hear me

I feel lonely.
But not only that,
I also feel sad.

I feel anxious.
But not only that,
I also feel extremely overwhelmed.

I feel exhausted.
But not only that,
I also feel very hopeless.

I feel like dying.
But not only that,
I really want to **** myself.

i will never be kind again
for people mistaken kindness
for weakness
they see it as an opportunity
to walk all over you
mock you
belittle you
there is no reward
in being kind and humble
people will take advantage
they will treat you like the underdog
cast their insecurities on to you
they say it is free to be kind
that is no truth
being kind is expensive
it will cost you your peace of mind
your mental well-being
your confidence
your self-esteem
your energy is the highest commodity
treat it as such
like the British pound
can't trade with just any ordinary currency
do not be overly kind
treasure your aura
and only share it with those who are truly worthy
for not everyone is your friend
people are full of st
and they will always try to put you down
to make themselves feel better
heed my warning
for i learnt the hard way
that people are full of st

she is a beast you can never feed enough
she keeps coming back for more and more
up to the slightest slither of your soul
she is eternally starving for your state of mind
she will feed and feed on your very soul
whether it is day or night
she will wake you from your slumber
to torture you
she will torture you in your dreams
until you wake
and torture you some more while you're conscious
feed and feed from your very soul with much greed
she will never leave you be
she will forever whisper untruths into your head
unless you are dead
telling you that you are no good
and that no one will ever care nor notice
it will be just you, your subconscious and the unwanted guest
who goes by anxiety
also known as
depression
the shakes
the jitters
the heebie-jeebies
fear of the unknown is what she really is
also known as, your life
ps, you are not alone
we are all twisted
in ways we can't even begin to express
the beast anxiety feasts on us all
and she is eternally famished

"How to tell if he likes you"
"How to make him like you"
"How to avoid falling in love"
"How to impress a Capricorn"
"How to get over him"
"How to let go"
"What to do when you love someone who doesn't love you"
"What is limerance"
"How to heal limerance"
"Limerance vs true love"
"How to know he's the one"
"How to move on"
"How to get over someone you've never dated"
"How to tell if you're ugly and no one likes you"
"How to get him to notice you"
"How to forget him"
"How to stop thinking about him"
"How long does it take to get over someone"
"Pills to help you forget"
"Therapist near me"
"Books about self healing"
"Movies to watch when you are feeling sad"
"How to win the lottery and disappear to a foreign country"
"Teaching jobs in China"
"How far is China"
"Tattoo artist near me"
"How to stop feeling lonely"
"Church near me now"
"What does she have that I don't have"
"Liquor store near me"

I do not want to see tomorrow.
Nor the day after.
I simply have no desire to.
For I already know what tomorrow holds.
And the day after.
Pain and sorrow.
No joy, no laughter.
More tears.
More heartache.
More surprises, of what could possibly go wrong?
Every time I think to myself,
I have been through it all.
The universe goes,
Wait until you see this.
And I am tired.
I am done.
I have been crying and crying.
No more.
I do not wish to see tomorrow.
Nor the day after.
Not unless tomorrow is my date of death.
I have seen enough birthdays.
Enough to know,
That I want no more.
No more tomorrow.
Nor the day after.

Love, 'tis not real!
For I love someone,
Who shares no love for me.
Does not envision me in that fashion.
How then, can love exist?
How, do I mourn a love never encountered nor experienced?
Forget a kiss never felt upon my lips?
Long for an embrace never lived?
Yet it dwells in my conscience,
Probably permanently.
Close upon constantly.
For I keep pondering,
Where lies my fault?
I am ever grasping for air to breathe.
Love, has never been real, a mere ruse!
For, I love someone.
Yet, they will never love me.
Perhaps, I am deranged.
'Tis my own negligence.
For loving someone,
Who will never see me.
Perhaps, love does exist.
For, I love someone.
I, truly love someone.
I wish someone loved me too.
Love, cannot possibly be real.
For, how can true love be unrequited?
How can real love be loss?
How can love be so lonely?

Since you chose death,
My dearly departed.
It is as though I am alone deserted on planet earth.
You have left me dismayed and disheartened.

The void you leave behind is unimaginable.
I have since not found peace nor slumber.
The pain you leave behind is unbearable,
Since you opted to surrender.

To the death angel, you succumbed;
As you drew your final breath.
Did you think of me when you plunged,
Into the infinite river of death?

Oh, how I wish you were here still.
I curse the mighty death and his kith and kin.
For to have you amongst the living, I would fight and ****.
Although it is yet the greatest sin.

Since death chose you,
And you are now but ash and dust.
I eternally miss you,
And fate is ever unjust.

She takes the most underserving of souls,
Into her black forest of gruesome beasts.
Filled with demons and ghastly ghouls,
Where the reaper feasts and feasts.

No more, is your flesh and bones.
Since you and death now dance together,
To a rhythm of dreadful, wicked woes.
You married the groom of nightfall forever.

And I envy peace and slumber,
For I long and weep for you, until my final hour.

Love, rejected me.
He, keeps on rejecting me.
Love, hates me.
Is love, supposed to hate?
He, does not see me for who I am.
He, does not need me.
He, does not want me.
He, will never want me nor need me.
Why, does love not want me?
Why, does love not need me?
For I, need love.
I, long for him.
How is he even capable of hate?
He is love!
He, does not notice me.
Does not see my heart.
Love, has never chosen me.
I love, love.
I, really do.
I, fantasize about love.
Love does not care for me.
Does not consider me.
Does not acknowledge me.
Never, loves me back.
Keeps, on hurting me.
Ignoring me.
Would he choose me if I was thin?
Is it, because I am fat?
Is, that the reason?
Is, that why I don't deserve love?
Because I am fat?
Why am I not good enough, for love?
Am I ever going to be good enough, for love?
I am tired of trying.
Love, why do you hate me?
Tell me the truth.
Would you rather, I was dead?
Love, please love me back.
Or send someone else, who will.
I am done begging, for love.
I've grown weary from waiting for you to love me.
I would rather be dead, than live without you.
There is no sight of you in my presence.
And it is killing me.
Tell me, what I have to do, to become one with you?
I will do it!
I swear on love, I will do anything.
Why, do you refuse to occupy my heart?
Is it cold?
Does it not beat to a rhythm you desire?
Tell me, for I will fix it.
I will do anything, I swear.
I will be anything you want me to be, I swear.
Just, see me.
I beg of you, see me.
Love me.
See me.
Accept me.
See me.
See me, love.
What do I have to, do to be worthy of you?
Who, do I need to be?

I swear these walls be talking.
They be whispering things about me.
They laughing at me.
All the time.
I swear!
I can hear them.

I'd give anything to never see your face again, for it is torture.
Seeing your face everyday, is torture.
Seeing your face everyday, knowing that I will never wake up to it one day.
I'll never know the touch of your hands.
The warmth of your breath against my neck.
The taste of your soft lips upon mine.
The gaze of your eyes upon mine.
Nor your embrace upon me.
Your husky voice when you wake.
It kills me.
Knowing this, kills me.
I'd rather not exist, than live with this.
I'll never hear you say "I love you".
Never hear you say "I miss you".
Never see you cry.
Never watch you dance.
Never hear you sing.
Never see you holding our son.
How is it that you're not meant for me, when I feel this way about you?
When you reside in my mind permanently to no end?
When I don't see myself with another beside me but you?
How is it possible, to love someone so dearly?
Someone who will never feel the same way?
Surely I am ill.
Surely I despise myself.
Surely I am worth nothing.
Surely you hate me as well.
How do you not see me, the way that I see you?
Surely I am hideous to set eyes upon.
Surely I am no one.
And you are everything to me.
I wish for no one else but you.
I long for no one else but you.
I hate this feeling.
I hate every last bit of it.
I hate you!
I love you, I truly do.
But I hate the way that you make me feel about myself.
About the world.
About love.
About you.
Please release me.
Why won't you die, and release me?
I'll never be free for as long as you live.
Release me.
For God's sake.
Release me.
I am tired.
If you won't die, maybe I should.
I'd rather die than see your face again.
I'd give anything to never see your face again, for it is torture.
Even if if means dying.

I hope he's happy
I hope he's in love
That he's giving it his all
He's not holding back
I hope it ends in a fairly tale for him
And that he finds real love
As for me,
I will heal
And when I finally do
I'll be genuinely happy for him
But for now,
It still hurts

I'm inlove with you, Death.
I can't stop thinking about you, Death.
I wish you'd come for me.
Rescue me,
From the prison of life.
It's filled with nothing but pain.
Negative thoughts.
Self limiting beliefs.
Death, you seem like my savior.
My only way out.
Death, you shall be my hero.
You shall save me,
From myself,
From eternal sadness,
From self pity,
From feeling like I'm not good enough,
Like I don't matter.
Dear Death, if you're reading this,
Please come from me.
I will welcome you with open arms.
I will dwell in your house till judgement day comes upon us all.
I will embrace your darkness.
For my fragile heart knows no light.
I am trapped in melancholy.
I can't break free.
God hears others but not me.
I will take cover in your shelter,
As I look down upon those I once loved.
I will give my meaningless existence to you.
You will be my purpose,
My destiny.
Please save me.
I will give you my last breath.
You can have my heart,
For all eternity.
I will be yours and you will be mine.
I belong with you,
Not here.
Not in this circus of a world.
It is cruel.
I want to be by your side.
Not here, all by myself,
With no one to lean on.
I will give you my all.
I am yours for the reaping,
I am ripe and ready for your harvesting.
I surrender to your mercy of an eternal slumber.
Let me close my eyes forever.
I know not why I was created.
Maybe it was for you.
Please be mine.
I shall be your bride.
And you my groom of darkness.
I may never find happiness,
But at least I'll have you.
My prince of darkness.
I cherish you.
Every time you come for others,
I can't help but wish it was me.
I eagerly await my turn,
To be one with you.
I want to marry you, Death.
I want to dance with you, Death.
I'm in love with you, Death.

I want you to know, that I loved you.
I saw myself with you. I truly loved you.
Accepting that you do not love me the same,
Has been by far my greatest, most deepest pain.
I do not understand. I can not comprehend.
There is no way for my heart to mend.
I am broken beyond measure.
'Tis your heart I used to treasure.
'Tis you I desired.
The only I admired.
It breaks my heart to see us apart.
I am stuck with a broken heart.
'Tis bleeding.
I can't stop weeping and pleading,
To God to say 'tis not true.
He loves me too.
For I love him so.
I will follow him where e'er he may go.
Stand by him through thick and thin.
Dwell under his soft melanin skin.
Have his kids. Make him my kin.
I'll repent from all sin.
If it means being beside him.
Please, don't take him from me.
For I love him so much.
I'd rather die than live without his sacred touch.

Who is going to care for my heart?
Who is going to catch me when I fall?
Who will wipe my tears away?
Who will laugh with me?
Who will love me?
Dear God,
Why have you left me
All alone?
With no one.
But myself.
Who is going to love me?

I will heal
And when I do
I will write about it

We're not anything
But I love you
I'm sure of it
You're like a blank canvass
With a story
Yet to be told
But I love you
I'm sure of it
Cause you dwell in my mind
You live in my dreams
When I close my eyes, I see you
When I wake up in the morning
I think of you
Before anything else
We're not anything
We may never be anything
But I love you
I'm sure of it
We're strangers
But I'm so in love with you
The thought of you
What could be
I don't know how to stop
You're trapped inside of my thoughts
I don't know how to let you go
Cause I love you
I'm sure of it
I'm gonna leave this here for you
Maybe some day you'll find it
And you'll know that it's for you

Misery is a pool of blood,
And I am drowning in it.
I can't swim,
To save my life.

Melancholy is a golden necklace,
And I wear it.
Across my neck,
Like a medal.

Regret is a silver bracelet,
And I wear it.
On my wrist,
All the time.

Pain is a glass of chardonnay,
And I sip on it.
Like water,
Every single day.

Depression is my crown,
And I wear it.
Proudly on my head,
Like a prize.

Congratulations to me.
I am the saddest person,
To ever walk the earth.
Finally, I win.

Finally, I am good at something.
I am good at feeling miserable.
Feeling sad and depressed.
Feeling regretful.

Born one thousand nine hundred and, ninety-three years ago today.
I am a millenial.
I turn thirty before May.
I must admit, I am in denial.

Where has the time gone?
It feels like just yesterday,
When I was still young.
When I had my twenty first birthday.

How am I so old?
Yet so unprepared,
For the woes of this world.
Neither seen, nor heard.

Dreams not reached.
Living a life not anticipated.
Dreams forsaken and ditched.
Feeling discriminated,

For being a failure.
I did not ask for this!
At heart, I am a creator,
Yet stuck in a career that brings me no bliss.

How did I get here?
My whole life feels like a mistake.
I wish to disappear.
I need a break.

Thirty years.
Three decades.
A million tears.
Time burns faster than flames.

And I am through with it all.
My ******* have sagged.
My twenties are now stuck behind some wall.
I miss the life I could have had.

Born one thousand nine hundred and ninety-three years ago today.
I am a millenial.
I turn thirty before May.
I must admit, I am in denial.

If my loneliness could talk;
It would say,
"*****, I'm tired of you.
Get some friends!"

If my depression could talk;
It would say,
"*****, I'm tired of you.
Get some antidepressants!"

If my anxiety could talk;
It would say,
"*****, I'm tired of you.
Take a chill pill!"

If my sorrow could talk;
It would say,
"*****, I'm tired of you.
Find some happiness!"

If my bank account could talk;
It would say,
"*****, I'm tired of you.
Find a side hustle!"

If my career could talk;
It would say,
"Girl, bye.
Where is the bag we've been chasing?"

If my ****** could talk;
It would say,
"*****, I'm tired of you.
Get a ****. Seriously!"

If my car could talk;
It would say,
"*****, I'm tired.
Upgrade already!"

If my liver could talk;
It would say,
"*****, we're tired.
Find a new coping mechanism!"

If my brain could speak;
It would say,
"*****, I'm tired.
Stop thinking!"

If my stomach could talk;
It would say,
"*****, I'm tired.
Stop over eating!"

If my lungs could talk;
They would say.
"Girl, stop.
Stop with them cigarettes!"

If my phone could talk;
It would say,
"*****, I'm tired.
Get a life!"

If alcohol could talk;
It would say,
"*****, I'm tired.
Leave me the **** alone, your body is rejecting me!"

If my body could talk;
It would say,
"Girl, I'm overweight.
Please hit the gym!"

If the color black could talk;
It would say,
"*****, I'm tired.
Wear something else!"

If my heart could talk;
It would say,
"Girl, forget him.
He ain't ****!"

If my future could talk;
It would say,
"Girl, hold on.
Better days are coming!"

If my hopes and dreams could talk;
They would say,
"***** what the actual ****?
Where are we? What is this place?"

If natural disaster was to call.
And we were all to fall.
Will there be anyone left?
To log into our phones,
And read our unposted;
Thoughts.
Poems.
Playlist songs.
Prayers.
Notes.
To do lists.
Bucket lists.
Wishlists.
Uncleared shopping carts.
Liked videos.
Saved videos.
Favorite videos.
Watch later.
Retweeted.
Loved.
Reposted.
Unfiltered pictures.
DIY projects.
Ten minute crafts.
Absolute must haves.
Spend the day with mes.
Get ready with mes.
Food orders.
Takealot orders.
Amazon orders.
Day in the life.
What I feed my dog in a day.
What I eat in a day.
Daily vlogs.
Daily blogs.
Unread texts.
Check ins.
Drafts.
Downloads.
Watch lists.
Google history.
Unread emails.
Tinder matches.
Netflix must watch.
Gen Z versus millenials.
Private subscriptions.
And think to themselves,
What the actual f**k?
What happened to us?
What has the world become?
Personally,
I hope he writes the new Bible.
What would God think?

Floods are coming.
I hope you drown first,
Before everyone else.
Storms are calling.
I hope you get stuck first,
Before everyone else.
For not responding,
To my texts.

It hurts.
It burns.
Every day.
In every way.
I cry about it.
Obsess over it.
Night by night.
Against my might.
It cuts deep.
I can't fall asleep.
You don't see me.
Why can't you see me?
Will you ever see me?
Like I see you?
I see you.
More than you'll ever know.
In my dreams.
My thoughts.
In my memories.
I see you all the time.
I can't stop.
Seeing you.
I wish you saw me,
Too.
What would it take,
For you to see me?
What do I have to do?
For you to see me?
I'd do anything.
For you to see me.

Always trying to figure out,
Where I went wrong.
It's like I blinked,
And suddenly,
I was in a deep dark hole.
Not knowing how I fell in,
Or when.
My whole life is a blur.
I don't have any memories,
Of who I used to be,
Before I became,
A sad;
Lonely;
Broke;
Broken;
Depressed;
Anxious;
Unloved;
Adult.
I­t's all I know.
When did I make the decision,
To become a failure?
How did I become,
A victim of life?
How do I turn things around?
Make life meaningful.
Have meaningful relationships.
Nothing feels real.
I lost myself trying to heal.
I wish for death like it's nothing.
Every time I see a "rest in peace" post,
Deep down I wish it was me.
Thinking: "You're so lucky to be dead."
I've stopped believing.
I've accepted,
Misery.
And all its friends and foes.
I can't count how many times a day,
I say:
"I wish I was dead"
"I'm so lonely"
When does it end?
Does it ever end?
I wish somebody loved me.
Am I feeling sorry for myself?
Yes!
Do I know how to stop?
No!
Am I worthy of unconditional love?
Absolutely!
Will I reach it?
I don't know!

I hope grace locates you,
And never leaves your side.
I hope you continue to shine,
And never cease your light.
May God bestow his best blessings,
Upon you and yours,
And continue to bless you,
For all eternity.
May darkness fear your presence,
And the light be ever comfortable in your existence.
May you never again feel pain.
I hope you find peace so pleasant,
That you continue to dwell in it,
For all eternity.
May you never again feel the grasp of grief,
Nor the frustration of failure,
Nor fear.
Nor the sting of shame,
Nor despair.
May the cloud of sadness abandon your side forever,
And that of happiness accompany you to the grave.
May joy be your daily bread.
May bliss be your every day song.
May your heart be filled with love,
So unconditional it prevails,
Against all odds.
May you be protected against all evil.
May the devil tremble at your feet.
May the angels shelter you under their sacred wings.
May your wildest dreams come true,
Better than you have envisioned.
May you never lack.
May your pockets never run dry,
For generations to come.
I wish endless abundance upon you.
I wish boundless prosperity upon you.
I declare everlasting wealth and health, upon your life.
May the world see God's graciousness, through you.
And let them follow your righteous path,
For you stayed true.
You fought valiantly.
You showed perseverance and courage.
And for that,
I hope grace locates you,
And never leaves your side.
I hope you continue to shine,
And never cease your bright light.
May God bestow his biggest blessings,
Upon you and yours.
And continue to bless you,
For all eternity.

Amen and amen...

The only time
I feel like
Everything is going to be alright
Is when there's a fresh bottle
Of gin
In the fridge
Otherwise
It's downhill
I'm depressed
I'm miserable

The only time
I feel alive
Is when my glass is full
Half tonic
Half gin
Ice
Slice of lemon if I'm feeling adventurous
Otherwise
I'm dead inside
I feel almost nothing outside of sorrow

The only time
I can fall asleep
Is when my belly is filled with gin and tonic
I experience vivid dreams
I'm happy
My spirits visit me
Otherwise
The sun comes up to my eyes wide open
Listening to my rapid heartbeat
Thinking "I have work in two hours"

The only time I feel inspired
Is with a cold one in one hand
A pen in the other hand
Otherwise
I lack motivation
I lack any will to live
I dwell in negative energy
I have no hope for the future
Nothing flows
My thoughts are a scattered mess

Although I might die
Either I die from over indulgence
Or I die from sadness
Either way
I am dead
May the good Lord forgive me
For I know not what else to do
For I am intoxicated
As I type this
For sobriety feels like a prison to my pain

There must be a better way

Things are so bad
I wish
I could catch
A stray bullet
I'm not suicidal
But death
Would slap
Right now
I'm keeping my head
Close
To the window
In case
There is a shootout
My way out

I am not alone.
I walk with a lineage of greatness.
A bloodline of healers.
A generation of power.

If I die,
Please save me the long dreaded speeches.
Whatever you never said while I was here,
Should be left unsaid.
Please read my poems outloud.
These were my true emotions.
My real thoughts.
Recite each at high pitch.
Sing my favorite hymn after each.
Save me the tears.
I've cried enough during my living years.
Save me the drama.
I've seen enough trauma.
Spare me the sadness.
I've felt all of it throughout my days.
Just hymns and poems.
I shall smile from above,
And at peace I shall be.

it's okay to feel.

you  are breaking
generational curses
generational traumas

some of those emotions
are not even your own

Everything is okay.
If it's not,
It's going to be okay.

Everything is working in my favor.
I am not cursed.
I am blessed.
My ancestors are working behind the scenes.
God has released all my blessings.
Everything is working out for my greater good.
I may not see it.
But it's true.
My suffering will end.
I will live the life I dream of.
I am becoming the best version of myself.
My angels are working hard,
To get me to where I need to be.
Everything is working in my favor.
I am not cursed.
I am blessed beyond measure.
I thank God.
I thank my angels.
In advance,
For what I'm about to witness.
I am becoming.
I am greatness defined.

Lol you hate me.
You must really hate me.
What does Grey tick even mean?
I'm not thinking of you?
I don't care for you?
You mean nothing to me?
What does it really mean?
Blue tick means, I read your message.
I read your message and couldn't care less.
I cared just enough to open the message,
And read it.
Without responding.
I mean I get it.
It's no obligation.
But Grey tick?
Not only was your message delivered,
I did not care enough to open it.
Do you find me that revolting?
Was it something I said?
Is it the way I look?
Is it the way I talk?
The manner in which I carry myself?
Which one is it?
Honestly, I'd rather you read my message and make the obvious choice to ignore me.
I took my time to think, type and send.
The least you can do is read.
Grey tick?
It's beneath me!
I deserve better.
I might be a nuisance,
But I deserve the truth.
Rather block me,
Stick a knife in my heart,
Smash my head in with a brick,
Poison my food,
Slit my throat,
Shoot me in the head,
Scratch my eyes out,
Smother me to death.
Than Grey tick me!
I'm offended.
I'm human.
How am I not worth a simple Blue tick?
Lol you hate me.
You must really hate me.

I'm going insane.
I'm searching his name,
Surname,
Nickname,
On every platform.
Whatsapp.
LinkedIn.
Facebook.
Twitter.
Instagram.
Tiktok.
YouTube.
Who is he?
What does he like?
All I have is his name.
I want to know him.
I have to know him.
I want to marry him.
What is his handle?
Why is his account private?
What did he repost?
Where did he check in?
What did he retweet?
What did he like?
What did he react to?
Is he on Tinder?
Is he even on social media?
Just want to find out if him and I,
Are meant to be?
This might be love.
I have to find him.
It's not stalking.
It's online research.

Maybe it will always be just me.
Maybe that's how it's meant to be.

I miss you.
But my pride,
Will never let me reach out.
My ego,
Will never let me tell you.
My feelings are strong,
But my dignity is stronger.
I hope you are well.
I know pride has got you by the neck as well.
Maybe we are meant to be.
We will never know,
Will we?
Because we are so alike.
I am proud.
And so are you.
I chose pride over my feelings.
So do you.
I don't know where I stand with you,
So I assume.
So do you.
Me and you are perfect together.
But only without our egos.
I'm not willing to let go of my vanity.
Neither are you.
So where does that leave us?
Nowhere.

I want to cry out for you.
Scream out your name.
Over,
And over.
Until you hear me.
Through these thick walls.
Until you feel the void,
You left in my world,
In my heart.
I need you.
Only you.
Please love me.
Please.
There's so much life,
I wanted to experience with you.
Only you.
What if I said,
I couldn't live without you?
Would you watch me die?
Couldn't breathe without you,
Would you watch me grasp,
For every last bit of air?
Or would you love me?
Maybe I feel too much.
Maybe I can live without your touch.
Without the sound of your voice.
The taste of your lips.
I don't want to.
Please.
Love me.

Tell me you love me
Say it five times
One, I love you
Two, I love you
Three, I love you
Four, I love you
Five, I love you
Kiss me
And say it five times more
One, I love you
In between smooches
Hug me tight
Caress me
Pull me close
Slide my hair to the side
Whisper in my ear
Two, I love you
Three, I love you
Four, I love you
Say it slower
Five, I     love    you
Squeeze my hand
Say it again
One last time
I love you
I love you too
Five times more

***** dishes in the sink
Overflowing laundry basket
Dirt on the carpet
Expired food in the fridge
Shoes in each corner
Clogged drain
Grime in the bathtub
Cigarette buds on the floor
Empty wine bottles
Dust on the TV
Cartoons on repeat
Trash bags
Empty takeout boxes on the counter
Haven't showered
Haven't cleaned in weeks
She's not untidy
Not unclean
She's not *****
She's in a dark place
Mentally
She's depressed

I'm dying
I miss you
Text me when you get this

I'm in love with the ghost of you
So in love
I'd rather love your shadow
Than love you
I'd rather love
The memory of your face
The smile imprinted in my head
The dreams I have of you
Late at night
The thought of your touch
The recollection of your voice
I'm in love with the reminiscence of you
The nolstagia
Reliving every moment
Day dreaming of what could have been
You're a calendar of thoughts to me
Of memoirs
You're a voice from the past
You're a vow unfulfilled
A regular flash from the past
A hallucination
A ruse
A fairly tale
It's like we never happened
I'm in love with the delusion you
Every day discovering the non existing parts
Of you
And I'd rather love the myth of the man
Than love you
You were so toxic
In my fantasy,  
You are not
I'm in love with the ghost of you
For it is perfect

I want to perform
self surgery
Open this heart up
See
what's really bothering it
Brain surgery
Remove these thoughts
stuck in my head
Get to the bottom of this
Eliminate the pain
The memories
The anxiety
Surgically

Darkness
It's everywhere
When I close my eyes
And when I open my eyes
It's in my mind
It clutters my soul
It's in my heart
It's in my head
It's everywhere
I can't escape it
Nor can I contain it
It smothers me
It controls me
I see it
I feel it
Everywhere
It leads the way
But I can't see
Anything
Or anyone
I can only hear
Here and there
It's so dark
Everywhere
I can't see
Can't see where I'm going
Or where I come from
I see darkness
I see nothing
Everywhere

There's always a bit of hope
And then it's gone
Every time there's hope,
It gets taken away
By reality

I could water the forest
with my eyes
I could drown the ocean
with my tears
I could move the mountain
with my heart
I could summon the wolves
with my weep
I could cause a tornado
with my breathing
I could die
from sadness

My pillow.
It's wet with grief and sorrow.
Tears from the night before.
Eyes swollen and sore.


My pillow knows no drought.
Cry myself to sleep without a doubt.
My pillow knows no happy tears,
Only weeping prayers.


My pillow has absorbed an entire ocean.
Every last emotion,
Flows from my heart to my pillow.
No one will ever know, except my pillow.

Hey baby girl.
You are so beautiful.
Your smile is striking.
I wish you believed it more.
I wish you smiled more.
Your body is perfect, trust me.
Your flaws, they are flawless.
I am so sorry.
I am sorry, I failed us.
Our hopes.
Our dreams.
It was that low self-esteem, you see.
That poor self confidence.
We thought we'd grow out of it.
Truth is, we never really did.
And it's part of the reason we didn't make it.
Not to where we thought we would anyways.
But I want you to know that, it's okay.
Your girl is still trying.
Still fighting.
We will get there.
We still have time.
I was scrolling through our old pictures,
When we thought we still had all the time in the world.
We had everything we needed right there and then.
But somehow, we ended up here.
Well everything happens for a reason right?
I'm just really sorry.
I wish you knew what we know now.
The value of time.
The time value of money.
I wish we made better decisions.
I wish we prayed more.
I wish we knew just how powerful our mind was.
I wish we had better control over our emotions and our thoughts.
I wish we over came our deepest fears.
But it's not the end.
We are still breathing.
So there's still a chance.
A lot of time has lapsed.
We have lost people we thought would be there forever.
I just wish, when you were going through all of it, I was there to hold you.
To tell you to let go of things and people that don't serve you.
To protect your energy.
To never dwell on your mistakes.
And tell you that in a few years, the pain will be better.
Not gone, just better.
It doesn't ever go away, you see.
We can't forget the experiences that really changed us.
And we can't turn back the time we have lost.
But if I was there back then, I'd tell you that it doesn't really matter.
That there's so much more to come.
So much more to learn.
So much more to live for.
I wish you'd have known just how special you were.
I wish you'd have trusted your instincts better.
Listened to that small voice from within.
Hey, maybe that was me all along!
Your older and wiser higher self.
Who knows?
I wish I taught you how to love yourself better.
Appreciate yourself.
Believe in yourself.
And go after your wildest dreams.
That you are the ultimate prize.
You are a force to be reckoned with.
You are a queen.
You are your greatest weapon.
You are your own super hero.
Well, like I said.
It's never too late.
We will get there.
Slowly but surely.

Love,
Older and wiser me.

For a thousand times,
I can't believe that it took me a thousand times,
To see that you are a thousand times not the man for me.
Maybe I don't love myself as much as I think I do,
Beause if I did, I would have ran a thousand miles away from you.
I would have stayed away from you a thousand times before,
Before I loved you a thousand times once more
As much as I want to kiss you a thousand times,
And a thousand times more.
Hold you a thousand times,
Make sweet love to you a thousand times,
And a thousand times more.
Love you for a thousand years,
And a thousand years more.
You are not the man for me!
It took me a thousand tears to see it,
And a thousand more heart bleeds to believe it.
It might take a thousand more years for me to move on, and a thousand years more.
But I will go on a thousand dates,
I will kiss a thousand frogs,
Until I meet the man for me.
A man a thousand times the man you will ever be.
Because, a thousand truths be told,
You were never meant for for me.
Not by a thousand long shots.
Not in a million thousand years,
And a million thousand years more.
I was foolish for a thousand years,
To ever think that you would love me for a thousand years.
Well here's to a thousand times of regret.
I will raise a thousand tequila shots.
You are not worth my time,
Not even a thousand half seconds.
I am letting you go a thousand times.
May I be free from you a thousand times,
And a thousand times more.
I despise you a thousand times,
For all the thousand lies.
Playing me a thousand times over and over.
You can bet a thousand bucks that it is over.
One hundred thousand times, I am done!
Forget the thousand times I crawled back to you.
Forget the thousand times I ran back into your arms once more.
I can do a thousand times better than you,
And a thousand times more.
You are dead to me for a thousand times,
And a thousand times more.
For all the thousand times you've hurt me.
For all the thousand times you failed to put me first.
For all the thousand times I thought something was wrong with me,
I hope you burn a thousand times in a thousand hell fires.
For the first time in a thousand years
I choose to put me first,
For a thousand times and a thousand times more.
For I am a thousand times the woman worthy,
Of a man worth a thousand doses of my love.
Love wasted on you a thousand times,
And a thousand times more.
I deserve a thousand times more.
I am worth a thousand times more.

What does death smell like?
Like an infected wound,
Oozing pus,
Infested in fungus?
Like hopelessness,
Like giving up?
Like a burning cigarette?
Like a heart pounding,
In your throat,
From anxiety?
Like *****,
From a hangover,
From drinking the pain away.
Does it smell like,
Fresh sand,
After the one you loved,
Walked away from you.
Does it smell like,
Salty tears running down,
Your face?
Or like green mucus,
Running out of your nose,
From crying?
Maybe it smells,
Like,
A million eggs,
Laid by a large filthy fly.
Or like a badly written poem,
Like this one.
Or like walking in to the office,
Of the job you despise.
Maybe it smells like rotten fruits,
From the tree of your failed success.
Or like the small apartment you live in,
That you resent,
And hardly deep clean.
I bet death smells like,
The awful ***,
From one night stands.
Or like blood,
From a bad period.
Or like lung cancer.
Diabetes.
Depression.
Bird flu.
I bet death smells like death.

what a brutal exchange of words
between long time friends
we're each grabbing on to our sharpest knives
fighting for our dear lives
to the death
we used to be mates, till death
do us apart
yet here we are, torn apart
you're using what i told you hushedly
as amour to shred me
as you attack me
and continue to attack me
i'm in awe
we made a vow
i trusted you once
i loved you once
wholeheartedly so
but we're at war now, so
my sword is my words
i do not mean to cause wounds
only to teach
only to reach
out to you, the level of distress
the merciless mess
you have caused me
how did we get here?
when did we get here?
we cared for each other
did we not, care deeply for each other?
you said i used you, i'm to blame
did you not do the same?
your bruised male ego
stood no chance against
my female manipulation
i can be toxic beyond imagination
as we block one another,
i hope 'tis the last we e'er hurt each other
i hope we're even now
i hope we ne'er meet again
your words cut deeper than a blade to the skin
i don't curse you, you only longed to be seen
'tis not your fault i could ne'er love you
the way that you needed me to
'twas always romantic for you,
'twas always more platonic for me.
i'm sorry i couldn't feel
what you wanted me to feel
but your vile words
could split worlds
you can't resent me for something
beyond my control
the heart wants what it wants
and that was ne'er you
forget your vanity,
what about my dignity
you stripped of,
with your ruthless rumble?
it pierced deeper than a needle
it burnt worse than wildfire
i can't stop it from torturing my mind
i trusted you, old friend
you used my trauma against me
everything i told you late at night,
when it was just you and i,
about my dad who left me
my true love who walked out on me
how dare you say it was all my fault?
after all the hard work i've put in
to heal from the pain
how could you be so vain
you're dead to me from this day
on, may we n'ver cross paths again, come what may
alas, old friend