Not in my entire life have I ever met anyone like Jesus,

Even the worst ' Slob ' in the world, may take it upon himself,

to amble down to the park, with yesterdays stale bread,

to feed the pigeons.


Jesus had one redeeming feature, aggression, he was aggressive when drunk.

Whenever he forgot his house keys,he'd kick in the glass entrance front door.

Maybe that's why he stopped drinking,

It cost a fortune, on new Front doors.


We met regularly in the ' barrio ' and his mantra was always the same,

" La Playa, La Playa".... are you going to the beach, Lucia always made

the customary laugh. It became a standing joke between my wife and I.

He said it  to me one day, as usual , because he assumed as I'm White Irish,

that's where I should be.

  I said " Not today Jesus, as it's Christmas eve," the Russian hat and scarf

should have  alerted him to the fact , that it was now  winter.


  Jesus died before Lucia.

I didn't like to ask her,   " How did you know he was dead " ?

maybe it was the smell in the apartment, as it was in mid July.

I made the mistake one day of asking her,

   " Did she miss him"

Her reply,... " Who" ?

  By Holly Barrett

My Boss , for whom I could never do enough work, said,

" Never  make two trips, if one will suffice,

hard work never killed anyone , that's my advice "

He seldom said it once , but nearly always twice.


One day in a lull , between sandwiches and rice,

I got my opportunity to open his eyes.

" Listen Boss " I said with venom in my voice.

" When I was born in 1947, my poor Mother almost cried,

my Father turned to her, with sadness in his eyes"


" Just look at poor Michael, we'll call him Michael,

he was born with only two arms , and two legs,

and one pair of eyes, But lookit, we'll keep him anyway,

Maybe one day, someone will be able to make use of him,

get as much work out of him , for the minimum wage "


The Boss looked at me, and then at his watch,

  " The tea break is over , now get back to work ,

I must have a word , with our paymaster,

Since when  did you get a rise, to the minimum wage  Jasper "

" 99% of the time Anti-Biotics work well for 99%  of the population,

but because of your condition, they didn't " so said the Doctor,

" your body is so, so sensitive,  he laughed,

"It's like a Swiss Watch "  Ha,  Ha Ha,,

"Yeah, Well, somebody  must have left the Watch up the mountain,

and forgot to wind it  "  I said,



Later at the  Opticians,  " Well normally , Mr. Barrett you have 20/20 vision,

She said,  " but for some strange reason , today that is not the case,

you normally have  'Pilots  Vision '  20/20 "..

I just wondered  what  Pilot she had in mind,


Captain Smith of the Titanic or  the one in German Wings,

who thought of taking  a short cut, through the mountain.

The Dentist was the last stop of the day,

and I wish, i hadn't stopped.



" Normally  teeth don't fall out, onto the Dinner plate "

" You were lucky to have spotted it and not swallowed it, again "

He said with a big laugh,   " It  .nearly broke one of the other ones,

that's how i Spotted it "... I said forlornly., as i crunched *******  it .



" It could very well be, the onset of Diabetes," he  said,

It could very well be the onset of  'Bad workmanship ' I thought,

as it was you, who  put the **** thing in only a year ago.



As the day was going so splendid for me, I decided  to wait,

until the Wife's funeral was over, in case,

t'was me they decided to call.


  By Holly Barrett

I cried for three days, when Maureen O´Hara died
>
> her Hazel brown eyes, drove me insane,
>
> those flaming Red curls of Auburn hair,
>
> legs as slender as the falling rain.
>
>
> Treasured memories of herself and Wayne ,
>
> The Quiet Man, will never be the same.
>
> a twinkle in her eye, a sparkle in her teeth,
>
> The star played the ball, had the world at her feet.
>
>
> As the years rolled on, Maureen's flame began to wane,
>
> Arthritis set in, she was in a lot of pain.
>
> when the final curtain fell, we swore in Vain,
>
> We´d never , ever get an Irish Red Setter again.

Full Flush
In the days of old,
when Knights were bold,
and toilet paper, was nay invented,
They wiped their ****, with blades of Grass,
and went away contented.

Holly Barrett

A moribund gent, with a  funeral face,

passed me by, in the cort'ege of a friend,

on his way to Boot Hill, the End.


"Billy Brass Handles, is busy again.".

he cried,  " A habit he can't seem to leave behind",

" He'll  need it for the next one",

Keeping you in mind , I opined.


"This cold and damp weather, is the Undertaker's friend,

a real  Bonanza , an ill wind "

" Doctors too "  he said with a smile,

" Their  mistakes are buried,

with the Patient's file".


The Moribund gent, has a valid point,

I know he is only an embalmer,

One of a kind,  But,

He knows who to preserve,

and who, to leave behind.


    By  Holly  Barrett


Michael Barrett

I'm no George Clooney, don't  come close,

Even though , I own a pair of ears and a nose,

the likeness is a tad remote.

It's George's pile of washer's , that gives him the edge.


He's also photogenic, but that's all just in his head,

I have a ' snap ' from '67,

I look like Elvis ,  from the back inside  a bed.

If the sheets were pulled down, 'Ol George's face would be red.


I'm convinced , it's the money that makes all the difference,

You see, If I had  his  healthy bank balance,

I wouldn't be writing this awful crap,

I' be somewhere on a Yacht , out at sea,

the picture of me as Elvis,  on the dashboard.

and a girl sitting on my knee.


By Holly Barrett

Blackie the cat has gotten old, it's time to say goodbye,

my heart is broke,  after all the pleasure he gave,

17, long years, we miss him now , and he's still here.

What's it going to be like, looking at an empty chair. !


On death row, he sleeps, he dose'nt  know ; bliss

a date was chalked down, a reprieve turned up,

Cold feet, and trembllng   hands we called the Vet,


" Can you wait till next week, he is still our  pet ".

Arthritis, Diabetes , Cataracts , and that's only me ,

the cat is worse, he can hardly see.

All his health problems, can disappear,

when he looks up, and Miow's in your ear.


By Holly Barrett

I never owned a new car

Always second hand,

I often had to paint them,

and fill in all the cracks.


The clock was rewound

and the tyres painted Black

Underneath the Bonnet,a place I´d never go

the shock would be too much, to see

an Oil slick for a floor.


The doors were always shut , real tight,

and Spot Welded from  inside,

The reason being two fold, I´d sleep real sound at night

A thief would need a Burning Torch,

To take her for a ride.


                      By Holly Barrett

' Good morning  Cat'
'Ah, Good morning , man'
' Tell me Cat, did you sleep well ' ?
'An absurd  question, me thinks,
what other way is there to sleep '

'We in humankind ,always have difficulty
in this department'
'Is that so'
'Well yes,we take medicine, pills to help
us sleep, if we're agitated, worried'
' Worried about what' ?

' Not being able to sleep'
'Anyway hows the weather outside
today Cat' ?
'The weather , does it change'  ?

'Of course it does, somedays its hot,
other days its cold, or raining,etc, etc.
'Gee,  I haven't noticed ,
' Do you take medicine for that too man' ?

' In fact, we do, they are called depression
tablets, they help us see only the sun
all the time .  Animals don't need  these
medicines, it is wasted on them , they
just don't have the brains to worry  about
lack of sleep or  depression'

' Yes, you have a valid point there ,man,
only a human being,
could come to that conclusion,
how dumb of me , to even question,
a brainy man like yourself ,
we animals have a lot to learn'

Holly Barrett  8/ 4/2020.

i  watched  a  spider  cross  the floor,

twenty  tiles,  by  one  foot four,  he  belted  down

Route  66,  from  door  to  door,  Ant  size . no more.  

His  Harley  Davidson  legs,  hardley  touched  the  floor



Easy  rider  on  a  trip,  to  follow  a  female  spider´s  Spoor.

probably  left  a  wife  and  baby  spider  behind  for  sure,

Oh,  what a  tangled  web  they weave,

when  first   they  practice  to deceive.


And  there  i  thought  he  was  just  a  little  innocent  Mite,

he  had  other  plans  the  *****  *****.

after  I squashed  the  pervert  on tile  five,

I  realized,  maybe  he   was  returning  home

to  his  wife  and  child.


Too  late  now  as  the  die was  cast,

the  cast  was  Die,  I  made   him  a  martyr,

a  martyr,  in  a  Black  Widow  and  a  child´s  eye.

And  a  fading  memory  for  a  spideress  barsmaid,

in  a  flyover  pit stop  on  Route  66,

in  the  sweet  bye  and  bye.


      By  Holly  Barrett

' I'm afraid human beings have never evolved,

they're still as stupid, as the day they were dropped.

Who in their right mind would follow fashion  ?

Dictated by a bunch of morons,

with the brains of a pigeon in passion.


But worse than that, how can a big Country like Spain,

support a monarchy, that's as dysfunctional and corrupt,

as Bernie Madoff, and his pyramid scheme made of sand castles.

   Kings and Queens , Lords and Ladies.


If this isn't a blatant class system,I don't know what is .

I hope i won't be put into the ' Stocks ' for voicing my opinion,

Like the nine Catalonian politicions , who were jailed for ' sedition '

So much for freedom of speech.

By Holly Barrett

I would give all my worldly goods,

Just to spend one day, on the banks of my youth.

Swimming across the river Blackwater, the deepest hole,

The Bullworks, the river, was my second home.


I'd dive from the board to reach rock bottom,

That first drink was years away,

My young blood was pure and flowed like red wine,

My mind was as clean as the water I swam in.


But life intervened , and changed all that,

I reached rock bottom, miles and years from the swimming hole.

I sunk to the bottom.

Crimson   blood , that once flowed like red wine,

Clogged up and tainted, often made  me act like a swine.


I'll never forget that old swimming hole,

when life was as simple , as a Pencil and ruler,

and a Jig-Saw puzzle, was an Apple computer.


By Holly Barrett

Frankenstein  was out of his mind with worry,

and he had a pain in somebody's head.


Burke and Hare,  second hand  body parts dealers,

" WE do all the ***** work , digging out the right parts,

   to get you back on the road "


Christiaan Bernard, , on his worst  Junior Doctor ever,

  " I hadn't the heart to fire him "



German cannibal, Armin Meiwes, claims he has done nothing wrong,

  " I just love people "  he said, with a smile.

Later he was barred from a local restaurant ,

after he complained  to the Chef, " The steak was

burnt black, and tasted like a Pakistani's  **** "


By Holly Barrett

If I get up in the morning,

and struggle to justify my continuous existence.

After one hour, the struggle is postponed till tomorrow morning.

Animation may even set in , on a good day.


Should the struggle last beyond noon,

the cavalry is called for , in my mental room.

On the ground floor, a young man lives in a chair of wheels,

his sole companion, a small dog called Winston.


Jose told us his story, in a matter of fact way,

it has never left us to this very day.

Jose was born with Spina Bifida, hence the chair.

His mother abandoned him, went her own way.


Twenty years in a Monastery, the Monks gave him refuge, a home.

His independent spirit saw him strike out on his own.

I would love to tell a lie, say Jose is happy with his lot,

but, he is probably not.


If I get up in the morning,

and struggle to justify my continuous existence.

With chills, pills, aches and bills, sorry for myself , up to my Gills,

Jose and Winston, I retrieve from my mental room, go to the window,

scan the street, there they go, I'm standing on my feet., I'm standing on my feet.


   By Holly Barrett

Norman Bates Versus Luke Kaemia
Inbox


She was living with Luke Kaemia, in a Council House in Bohemia,

beside a full grown blossom tree,

Every morning in the winter,she would take her car and venture,

to a little blood bank, down by the sea.


A German doctor called Psychosis,said her ailment was atrocious,

" Would she ever think of moving in with me "

She thanked him for the offer, and in a pique of proper said,

" I've been living with Luke Kaemia, since the day that we were wed,

we've had our ups and downs, our tantrums and our frowns,but,

I've never managed to kick him out of bed".


" Now really doctor Psychosis,  good God, Holy Moses,

that  ol prognosis, is only in your head "  I know it's hard to see,

but  please just listen to me,

" Shouldn't you be taking your own  dead Mother , back to bed ".


  By  Michael Holly Evergreen  Barrett

I joined M16, in 1915 ,
I heard they were looking for a Spy,
I didn't get far, got sacked at the bar,
when I clocked up a bill,
and charged it to ' Golden Eye '.

I've never been published, my work is dead.

I can't see an Oscar up in the mantle piece, or beside the bed.

Even a posthumous award might do.

Provided they tell me in lieu.


I'd be the first in the world to have a posthumous Award,

whilst still alive, they can take it back when i die.

I've been nominated 29 times before,

from the schizophrenic, who lives next door,

he has never read any of my books, his eyesight is bad,

It's just the few 'bob' I give him for a few drinks,

makes him think they must be good.


  I may send three chapters of my latest novel, to Harvey Weinstein.

    " Mushrooms come and go , but you are forever "

It's about a serial killer who owns and works in a Mushroom factory,

  He kills only Dwarf's, and uses their chopped up bodies as compost,

for his mushroom factory, he then makes one big mistake,

He falls in love, with a male Dwarf,and stops his killing spree.


  The Mushrooms eventually revert back to their normal compost,

  but taste awful,.. A Romanian community living in Tralee,

report the foul tasting mushrooms to the Police , and.......

  The poison Dwarf eventually runs away with Oscar Pistorius,

who is out on Bail, they become shoe Salesmen,

and live unhappily  ever after.


This is the big one , I can see it reaching the number one best sellers list,

   from New York to Caherciveen,  This book is not just for Dwarf's and  

Iron leg killers,  nor Mushroom lovers..


  By Holly Barrett