I'm not a misogynist by a long shot, in fact i'm  au contraire, which means

the opposite for those of you who are ignorant like me ,

and had to look it up.

My question is, and I'm coming from a European Country viewpoint., Spain,

Why are so many young girls and women, intent on making themselves

look unattractive...? Every second female has either a 'ring on their nose,

or have blackened their slender legs and arms with Tattoos.

Some have even gone and shaved half their head, making them look

like a Mohican.

One woman I saw on the beach, had the painful face of Christ over her *******.

he had  his crown of thorns on  and was bleeding .

Now how could you possibly make love to a woman like that,

Not in the ******* anyway....


To me , as I'm very old fashioned, a woman should smell alluring,

and not like an Ashtray of Marlborough  stub ends .

As most women in Spain smoke,

So there you are trying to make love to a smelly stale smoker ,

staring at the face of Christ,  and admiring the rest of her Tattoos

in various places in her body .

I'm coming , but don't wait up for me.

My Boss , for whom I could never do enough work, said,

" Never  make two trips, if one will suffice,

hard work never killed anyone , that's my advice "

He seldom said it once , but nearly always twice.


One day in a lull , between sandwiches and rice,

I got my opportunity to open his eyes.

" Listen Boss " I said with venom in my voice.

" When I was born in 1947, my poor Mother almost cried,

my Father turned to her, with sadness in his eyes"


" Just look at poor Michael, we'll call him Michael,

he was born with only two arms , and two legs,

and one pair of eyes, But lookit, we'll keep him anyway,

Maybe one day, someone will be able to make use of him,

get as much work out of him , for the minimum wage "


The Boss looked at me, and then at his watch,

  " The tea break is over , now get back to work ,

I must have a word , with our paymaster,

Since when  did you get a rise, to the minimum wage  Jasper "

Blackie the cat has gotten old, it's time to say goodbye,

my heart is broke,  after all the pleasure he gave,

17, long years, we miss him now , and he's still here.

What's it going to be like, looking at an empty chair. !


On death row, he sleeps, he dose'nt  know ; bliss

a date was chalked down, a reprieve turned up,

Cold feet, and trembllng   hands we called the Vet,


" Can you wait till next week, he is still our  pet ".

Arthritis, Diabetes , Cataracts , and that's only me ,

the cat is worse, he can hardly see.

All his health problems, can disappear,

when he looks up, and Miow's in your ear.


By Holly Barrett

With **** so big and a skirt too short,

I refused to sleep with her

Cós  she farts a lot,

Her voice was so seductive , on the Mobile phone



I threw out the dog, and gave the cat a bone,

but worse was to come, when she knocked on my door

I told the wife she was Latvian,

with a Septic big toe.


´´Thats really great to know, the next time

you think of ******* her,

put a sock on your ****

And a condum on her toe ´´.


Now i´ve learnt my lesson

I´ll stray no more.

I took the wife to Alicante

and the Latvian, to Tramore.

I think someone told a joke to the trees,

they are laughing and swaying, falling about on their knees.

They pause for a break, sway gently as if in Tete-a-Tete.

In unison bow their heads, whisper opaque.


A sudden explosion of unremitting tremulous,

chuckling quietly, and shooting the breeze,

Akin to Marineros  on a ship, in a calm sea

aimlessly drifting , timeless and free.


A mistral gust, inward rush, leaves flutter,

on branch'es robust, Summers vigour enjoyed

before an autumnal retreat,

leafless and bare, at Winters feet.


                By Holly Barrett

I understand it completely now

why I hate mornings.

In a certain period, in my early youth,

I was want to wake up, with Hangovers, often in my Birthday suit

and Broke, No money for the day's Beer and Cigarettes ahead.



In old age now, I wake up,

not so much  Broke, but bent, the bones groan,

as if to say...." Don't stand up"..." Don't bend"...." Don't move",

"  Achtung,... Landmines ahead ..go slow".


If the Beer and cigarettes  today were free,

I'd have No use for those Imposters , you see.

I can remember a time, when I jumped out of bed.

I can remember a time, when I jumped into bed.


The bed is a two face Knave,

that lulls you into a false sense of security,

and kicks you in the head,

when you wake up in the morning, dead.


                   By Holly Barrett

I would give all my worldly goods,

Just to spend one day, on the banks of my youth.

Swimming across the river Blackwater, the deepest hole,

The Bullworks, the river, was my second home.


I'd dive from the board to reach rock bottom,

That first drink was years away,

My young blood was pure and flowed like red wine,

My mind was as clean as the water I swam in.


But life intervened , and changed all that,

I reached rock bottom, miles and years from the swimming hole.

I sunk to the bottom.

Crimson   blood , that once flowed like red wine,

Clogged up and tainted, often made  me act like a swine.


I'll never forget that old swimming hole,

when life was as simple , as a Pencil and ruler,

and a Jig-Saw puzzle, was an Apple computer.


By Holly Barrett

It's a funny thing,  I just don't understand  the meaning.

About 30 of Spain's finest ' brains, are in Jail.

Ex Ministers, highly educated, College , University.

They held the highest posts in the land of little rain.


Ex Treasurers, Bankers,  Ministers of transport and trains,

they were all caught 'red handed ' by  their sloppy paper trail.

One ex Treasurer  had 50 million Euro stored away,

and lived like Aristotle Onassis  without a care.


They are marked down , as the intelligentsia,  the bright lights,

But what puzzles me, is not their blatant greed,

  but how easy they were caught,

I constantly , ask myself, what is intelligence  and 'Brains '

I'm puzzled, maybe I don't have any,

I think I missed the train, when they were handing out ' Brains '


By Holly Barrett

To mount an Elephant,

it is best to climb a tree,

and wait for one of them to Pass by,

I've done that in Ireland,

It's just one of those things ,

besides patience.

Maybe i picked the wrong tree.

I'm stupid  really, it's ****** well obvious.

It's a case of the Elephant in the room.


By Holly Barrett

I  plough  a  lonely  furrow,

along  a  busy  city  street,

I  plant  no  seeds  of  corn,

T'would  be  swept  away  by  milling  feet.


Busy,  as  busy  Bees,

pushing,  jostling,  navigating,

in  waters  of  people,  deep.

Flowing  uphill  or  down  stream,


an  undercurrent  of  shuffling

a  swell  of  flowing  meat.

As  the  busy  bees  in  the  beehive,

the  antics  of Termites  on  the  anthill.


  
the  lonely   Ploughman's  drill,

all  of  life's  creatures,  in  a  Metropolis,

bind  the  individual,  by  one  solitary  thing,

The  ever  battle  to  survive,  work  the  Till.


        By  Holly  Barrett

I'm no George Clooney, don't  come close,

Even though , I own a pair of ears and a nose,

the likeness is a tad remote.

It's George's pile of washer's , that gives him the edge.


He's also photogenic, but that's all just in his head,

I have a ' snap ' from '67,

I look like Elvis ,  from the back inside  a bed.

If the sheets were pulled down, 'Ol George's face would be red.


I'm convinced , it's the money that makes all the difference,

You see, If I had  his  healthy bank balance,

I wouldn't be writing this awful crap,

I' be somewhere on a Yacht , out at sea,

the picture of me as Elvis,  on the dashboard.

and a girl sitting on my knee.


By Holly Barrett

I never owned a new car

Always second hand,

I often had to paint them,

and fill in all the cracks.


The clock was rewound

and the tyres painted Black

Underneath the Bonnet,a place I´d never go

the shock would be too much, to see

an Oil slick for a floor.


The doors were always shut , real tight,

and Spot Welded from  inside,

The reason being two fold, I´d sleep real sound at night

A thief would need a Burning Torch,

To take her for a ride.


                      By Holly Barrett

i  watched  a  spider  cross  the floor,

twenty  tiles,  by  one  foot four,  he  belted  down

Route  66,  from  door  to  door,  Ant  size . no more.  

His  Harley  Davidson  legs,  hardley  touched  the  floor



Easy  rider  on  a  trip,  to  follow  a  female  spider´s  Spoor.

probably  left  a  wife  and  baby  spider  behind  for  sure,

Oh,  what a  tangled  web  they weave,

when  first   they  practice  to deceive.


And  there  i  thought  he  was  just  a  little  innocent  Mite,

he  had  other  plans  the  *****  *****.

after  I squashed  the  pervert  on tile  five,

I  realized,  maybe  he   was  returning  home

to  his  wife  and  child.


Too  late  now  as  the  die was  cast,

the  cast  was  Die,  I  made   him  a  martyr,

a  martyr,  in  a  Black  Widow  and  a  child´s  eye.

And  a  fading  memory  for  a  spideress  barsmaid,

in  a  flyover  pit stop  on  Route  66,

in  the  sweet  bye  and  bye.


      By  Holly  Barrett

' I'm afraid human beings have never evolved,

they're still as stupid, as the day they were dropped.

Who in their right mind would follow fashion  ?

Dictated by a bunch of morons,

with the brains of a pigeon in passion.


But worse than that, how can a big Country like Spain,

support a monarchy, that's as dysfunctional and corrupt,

as Bernie Madoff, and his pyramid scheme made of sand castles.

   Kings and Queens , Lords and Ladies.


If this isn't a blatant class system,I don't know what is .

I hope i won't be put into the ' Stocks ' for voicing my opinion,

Like the nine Catalonian politicions , who were jailed for ' sedition '

So much for freedom of speech.

By Holly Barrett

Not in my entire life have I ever met anyone like Jesus,

Even the worst ' Slob ' in the world, may take it upon himself,

to amble down to the park, with yesterdays stale bread,

to feed the pigeons.


Jesus had one redeeming feature, aggression, he was aggressive when drunk.

Whenever he forgot his house keys,he'd kick in the glass entrance front door.

Maybe that's why he stopped drinking,

It cost a fortune, on new Front doors.


We met regularly in the ' barrio ' and his mantra was always the same,

" La Playa, La Playa".... are you going to the beach, Lucia always made

the customary laugh. It became a standing joke between my wife and I.

He said it  to me one day, as usual , because he assumed as I'm White Irish,

that's where I should be.

  I said " Not today Jesus, as it's Christmas eve," the Russian hat and scarf

should have  alerted him to the fact , that it was now  winter.


  Jesus died before Lucia.

I didn't like to ask her,   " How did you know he was dead " ?

maybe it was the smell in the apartment, as it was in mid July.

I made the mistake one day of asking her,

   " Did she miss him"

Her reply,... " Who" ?

  By Holly Barrett

Frankenstein  was out of his mind with worry,

and he had a pain in somebody's head.


Burke and Hare,  second hand  body parts dealers,

" WE do all the ***** work , digging out the right parts,

   to get you back on the road "


Christiaan Bernard, , on his worst  Junior Doctor ever,

  " I hadn't the heart to fire him "



German cannibal, Armin Meiwes, claims he has done nothing wrong,

  " I just love people "  he said, with a smile.

Later he was barred from a local restaurant ,

after he complained  to the Chef, " The steak was

burnt black, and tasted like a Pakistani's  **** "


By Holly Barrett

" 99% of the time Anti-Biotics work well for 99%  of the population,

but because of your condition, they didn't " so said the Doctor,

" your body is so, so sensitive,  he laughed,

"It's like a Swiss Watch "  Ha,  Ha Ha,,

"Yeah, Well, somebody  must have left the Watch up the mountain,

and forgot to wind it  "  I said,



Later at the  Opticians,  " Well normally , Mr. Barrett you have 20/20 vision,

She said,  " but for some strange reason , today that is not the case,

you normally have  'Pilots  Vision '  20/20 "..

I just wondered  what  Pilot she had in mind,


Captain Smith of the Titanic or  the one in German Wings,

who thought of taking  a short cut, through the mountain.

The Dentist was the last stop of the day,

and I wish, i hadn't stopped.



" Normally  teeth don't fall out, onto the Dinner plate "

" You were lucky to have spotted it and not swallowed it, again "

He said with a big laugh,   " It  .nearly broke one of the other ones,

that's how i Spotted it "... I said forlornly., as i crunched *******  it .



" It could very well be, the onset of Diabetes," he  said,

It could very well be the onset of  'Bad workmanship ' I thought,

as it was you, who  put the **** thing in only a year ago.



As the day was going so splendid for me, I decided  to wait,

until the Wife's funeral was over, in case,

t'was me they decided to call.


  By Holly Barrett

The wife and I have packed our bags,

  going our separate ways.

We'll hug and kiss each other tomorrow morning,

try not to show the strain.


Thirty years of married bliss,

now it has come to this.

I know I can be difficult,

It's just my Irish ways.


I always blame the Famine, or the bad old,

Imperial British days.

But it's my own fault, claustrophobia,

I can't take the Plane.


  I'm catching the Ferry,

and tomorrow evening ,I'll meet her,

when she gets off the Plane,

We  booked two  weeks in Menorca,

our holiday in the sun, no rain.


By Holly Barrett

If the United States of America,
one of the biggest countries in the world,
Freely elected a President, who is deemed,
to be a semi illiterate *****.

What chance have we in Ireland,
with a population of just over 4 Million
people, and 3 million  of those are
   Alcoholics...?

What  we  say  in  a Tete -a -Tete,  we  never  say Face -to -face,

We  say  what  we  think,  the  other  person  wants  to  hear,

not  what  we  think  we  ought  to,

What  we  think,  is  usually  filled  with ,  fraught  too.


If  everybody  spoke,  what was on  their  mind,

******  would  become  so  common,

it  would  not  even  be  a  crime.

Divorce  even  cheaper, at  two  a  dime.


Acting  and  lies,  are  an  everyday  occurrence,  normal,  habitual,

No  need  of  rehearsals,  as  it's an  natural gift

  The  stage is  the  Street,  or   the  telephone  pitch,

a  job  interview,  or  a  tax  return.,  or  a  scheme  to  get  rich.


Gielgud  and  Olivier,  got  Oscars  for  what  ?

Doing  what  we  do,  since  we  left  the  Cot.

they  do it   nightly,  to  enhance  a  Shakespearian  plot,

We  do  it  daily,  so  as  not  to  get   caught.

   The  Truth,  the  whole  truth,

and  nothing  could  be  further  from  the  Truth.

My body is like a finely tuned Swiss Watch,

as opposed to a Swiss Army Knife,

which is multi purposed, and useful.

Any slight change of drug,and the watch,

will either go fast or slow down,

and revert back to the old ways,

of having to be wound up daily.


The dial says, ' Waterproof ' but,

water sneaks in through my ears, hence the wet brain.

The hands that juggled ' work and play '

never made Jack a dull boy,

they  dangle and hide in the caves of my Pants,

emerging to one important thing,

" Take out the ******* bin "


  I may be running early or late, it doesn't matter,

who cares, It's only five past 2018.

Holly Barrett

I'm bereft of Ideas at the moment

my mind has gone all a Blank, Dead,

I have a few Bob in my pocket

and a roof over my head.


the T.V. lies mute in the corner

The Wall Clock is still loudly, TICK TOCKING

The wireless is mocking, glaring , saying nothing

and the Cats gone out to the parlour,  trotting.


Three men in a Boat, Jerome K Jerome, wrote

IF, Rudyard Kipling, had  just one inkling

Of the Vacuous mental Black Cauldron,

I now find I sit in,


Would He shout, ''What the Dickens ''

This poor man is not sicking or Homeless

His mind has gone Blank,

Sad'ly he is  Poemless.

            BY Holly Barrett

Fallen leaves clustered together, like corner boys,

ready to cause mischief in swirling eddies,

chasing each other in never ending circles, by gusting winds

ignoring onlookers in their Mistral ecstasy.

Autumnal frolics will soon cease, before prevailing snows and ice,

A final Hooley before they tire in Compost mire,

or blown out to the seas, denying a rebirth, a Deciduous Tree.

another Season ends with glee, lively, dead leaves sleep till Spring,

budding to bloom, start all over again, anew.

            
                  By Holly Barrett