Prayer, meditation, etc. of the like
Can take place in any way, actively or passively,
Without the clasped-hand protocol.
Of course, I defaulted to that outward praying indicator
When praying with family,
To have some routine in prayer.
There have been many occasions
Where I had a mental layout of the posture,
Speech, and their timing.
Nothing compares to the times, though,
Where I would get “in-over-my-head”
In trying to “ace” prayer.
There was a time
Where my mother and us three siblings
Gathered for the Rosary in the family room.
All of a sudden, I emotionally broke down during the recitation,
Hiding my tears in the bathroom.
What caused my crying episode, you may ask?
The harmonious sincerity of the other three voices
Made me question my own voice’s worth
In that moment of spiritual practice.
Another emotional occasion, which would recur more often,
Would stir in me during praying the Divine Mercy Chaplet;
Only for this prayer, I’d stow away my feelings about how others pray
Or the nerve-tingling, almost surreal sincerity I’d aurally interpret,
Considering I matured somewhat by the time I started partaking in this chaplet
With family.
Even when I wanted to pull away from praying around 3 p.m.,
I persisted anyway,
Not just because I felt “it was the right thing to do,”
But because the Divine Mercy is my mom’s favorite devotion,
And I wanted to have something to share that my mom and I did
Later into the future of life.
Talking about my feelings, well,
Released my feelings from the inner confines of my focus,
But nothing necessarily “changed,”
Nor did I want change,
I only addressed that’s where my focus had been derailing
And why prayer seemed to scare me.
No doubt, this was [and, without mindful consideration, still is]
My own problem.
I have split from wordy meditation
To adopt and adapt to reflection and silence more.
But I cannot help but wonder:
Am I really prying spiritually now?
C’mon, I am and know I am better than that.
I know there are far worse scenarios, but it's a simpler part of life, and
I'd like to be respectful of anyone else's time just as much,
whether prayer or any other means of inner rejuvenation.