you asked if i wanted you to stay
i mumbled and rolled over
longing for sleep
that was all i wanted and you had no part in it
but you stayed
you turned me back over
told me you were taking off my pants,
then they were gone.
i lay there still, but you didn’t stop
now i didn’t want to fall under sleep’s healing spell
i needed to.
but you didn’t stop
hickeys
scratches
a theatrical moan and arch in my spine
all but an excruciating facade,
a wail for help and writhing agony
but you hadn’t heard me before
and you didn’t comprehend now
and that was enough for you to be satisfied
i returned my clothing to where it belonged
and sleep snatched me away, where i thought i belonged
but this time she didn’t heal
she pressed pause
and when the sun pressed play again
a new torment rose with me
i lost my trust in the light’s ability to light me
and the night’s ability to refresh
and perhaps the sun stopped trusting me too,
bestowing a dread each morning,
and reminding me of those questions
i knew it best not to ask
like what did i do wrong
what am i doing to make myself hurt so much now
what is enough
and what if i can’t escape the sun’s mistrust now