I’ve loved many times before
But not like this
To love you is to do so intentionally
It is to love deeply
To be given the space to express myself colorfully
All the time
To love you is to also love myself and to find immense comfort in knowing that you love me too
My heart is open
My heart is full

Rediscovering you in my most chaotic hour is like serendipity
Meets fate
With a hint of Gods will
all coming together to create an undying love and vast uncertainty out of fear of the unknown.

"Will they ever love me at even a shred of the capacity in which I love them?"

Is this even what God intended?

I’ve been trying to find ways to express my love for you on a plain white piece of paper, void of margins
Because my love can’t be confined between thin blue lines....

My love is open
It is free
It is unmeasurable.

I’ve been trying to find ways to express my love for but the English language is too premature

Truth be told, every language is really.

The first mistake I made
Was allowing you to make me believe
I ever owed you an explanation

The truth is
It was always written in the stars

You chose not to look up and see

My grandma used to say
That true willpower resided within the person
Who was able to acknowledge when someone had them ****** up
While taking it in stride
Without allowing anyone to have such a hold on you that you lose your religion
Or state of mind
Just be and
Allow God to handle everything that follows.

My mother taught me the importance Of accountability
Meaning, when you do something, own it. Correct it.

Not because she enacted it but because she didn’t.

The most profound lesson that my father left with me is the mere unpredictability of life itself.
Here today,
Gone by tomorrow.
Much to my surprise....

I remember believing the best way to love was to do it unconditionally...
That to love blindly
Was to love deeply
And to love with boundaries
Was like not loving at all

Love is supposed to be a mere emotion
Not physically seen
But internally felt
And the rest is up to fates discretion

Love without condition.
Love without rules.
Love without boundaries.

Yet when I attempt to replicate that...

the love becomes unsustainable
Intangible
Unattainable

And so called unconditional love morphs into

Love with harbored resentments

From all the flaws I was suppose to learn to love that I could never find myself to
And all of the things I was supposed to ignore that I never did
To accept all the hurt I never truly healed from

Carelessly trying to offer up understanding
When in all actuality I’m not as pragmatic and as patient as this notion insists that I should be

I cannot love you unconditionally

To love you isn’t to just simply tolerate you

It is to confront you
It is to disagree with you
It is be grow frustrated with you
It is to need space

To love you is to comfort you
To love you is to desire you
To love you is to grow with you
It is to occupy the same the space as you
And to feel
Content with you

Not stagnant

But contentment

To love you
I have to do so conditionally
And that’s okay