the same questions,

I'm asking myself ones again,

how, why,

results are always the same,

spent up and used up emotional pain,

it feels like am dragging a ball n a chain,

uphill in the rain..

never again..

and I mean it this time,

but lose grip n fall soon as I start to clime.

I feel so tired, I feel so weak,

the same words ones again I mentally speak,

a power greater then me

I shoud try to seek,

but i cause upset, mistrust

I lie and i sneak.

so if god dose exsist or forces in stealth,

why should they take notice

unless I help myself..

I don't understand why i cannot break free,

when I do understand what it's doing to me..

see for a minute or two I may feel fine,

when I smoke on that pipe or sniff up a line..

but what follows is awful

inside me it's carnage,

hiding bags and used pipes in the garbage..

I sweat and I panic,

im paronid and im stressed,

it feel like my Heart is gonna beat out my chest..

the mental torcher

and awful anxiety,

now in such dark place I long for sobriety..

i guess its apparent, it must be addiction,

not thinking twice about what i was mixing,

heating a spoon on the hob in kitchen..

but now looking back

i must recall the pain..

when it smashed me to bits..

almost sent me insane,

so when these dark thoughts

next enter my brain,

I have all tools to keep it contained..

I'm now In control,

drugs have no hold on me,

I'm no longer a slave,

finally I'm breaking free..

was five years ago

the 26th day in feb

i wasn't looking for love and I ment what I said

you would come you would go

and id try to forget

but soon you consumed

all the thoughts my head..

we first began talking

and i must confess

i wasn't going to give up

untill you said yes

was only thinking off me

at first when we met

all the others before left me full of regret

4 relationships in 8 years

what you expect

constantly trying

feeling mentally wrecked

but it's all over now

so I look back and reflect

I know your confused

I'm hot and I'm cold

but must put myself first

and remain in control

if im in doubt

then you must be told

because I really cant take,

more mistakes to unfold

but we both took things slow

as we got to know

each other better

we started to grow

there would be so many hights

some unbearable lows

but if we didn't meet

I know just where I'd be

so I want you to know

its my life that I owe..

now i reilise

there must be trust and compromise

and I do apologise

for all the secrets and the lies

all the times iv made you cry

when I look into your eyes

and see your faith in me has died

I mean it when I say....

baby i do apologise

I love you so much darlin for all that you done

you have given me a life

and you have given me my son....

you are an amazing mother

to our perfect little boy

and when we found out you were pregnant

how it filled me up with joy

and il never forget them 9 months
and what you went through when you carried

and I really cannot wait untill that date
that we get married

to love and to cherish untill death do us part

forever and always

you will never leave my heart

let me introduce myself

know by many as addiction

I know exactly what you'll do

it's never a prediction

I will put you in bad places

facing court and then conviction

take everything u own

your money, family and eviction

the things you say and things you do

a constant condridicton

you will do the things I say

followed through with no restrictions

body and mind

shall be aligned

consequences to which you are blind

I will grind then wind around your mind

my evil roots

now intertwined

I have you now and there's no doubt

**** everything you care about

when your happy I can't abide

the sound of my voice now amplified

to make you do as I decide

now time to sit back and enjoy the Ryde

do my best

to keep the pressure pressed

laughing alound

whilst you die inside

only now I'm satisfide....

watching with joy as your put to your knees

realising that I, hold all ov the keys

unbeatable odds

but still you will bet

now your a mess and your full off regret

sitting back enjoying all damage iv done

i want to keep you in the dark and hope you never see the sun

I really cant see the good in myself,

and I'm not doing to well with my emotional health.

sat hear thinking of years long ago,

a time way back when joyfull months would go slow.

a long while back, before my mid teens,

when life seemed simple

filled with prospects and dreams,

a smile would follow a feeling inside,

and now the smile is there but something has died,

none of us learn to laugh or to cry,

that comes to us natual like the stars in the sky.

and the mountings and ocean,

perfect emotion,

perfect beings

no internal corrosion.

we are all born a mirrical

and as from day one,

the light shines bright

to help guide us along.

But as i grew older and thought I new best,

I egnoed those I loved and followed the rest.

my life choices all wrong,

once drugs came along,

but the desire to use was always so stong.

only happy when using,

body and mind I'm abusing,

destorted thinking and life seems very confusing.

as time passed by

i never stopped getting high,

still unaware of the damage inside,

now I sit and I sy,

wanting to cry,

but the tears inside me seem to have dried.

so I become aggressive n i shout,

because it needs to come out

this only further hurts those that I care about

but as I sit all alone and i look at the sun,

it reminds me

that when the rain ends

then change can be done.

and change must be made

because I know ov this much,

I no longer want to be out of touch...