ENOUGH
I AM ENOUGH!
BUT WAS NEVER ENOUGH FOR YOU!
It was 2011, walking into a new world of my life …High school bright eyed, long skirt waving at her knees, the world was her oyster…at least that is what they told her …she smiled the kind of smile that puts the hum in a humming birds heart …she did not realise that humming birds do not last long in the wild …you see, this is the story of a hopeful girl turned cold turned strong…
The girl grabbed her by the hand and introduced her to a world that she would get to know all to wall
She smiled, after she asked me to carry her bag to class thinking that this one favour would place her in the good graces of those who ran this kingdom we call life
she understood when her invitation didn’t show up at my door after serving them so well as if the ground was not far enough to sink down too, when everything around her told her to work harder, to pull their pants up…to take it , “ we were just joking” she cried at home wondering how she can stop being the clown…she changed that day
She was me
She never knew how much I carried until carrying was the only thing I seemed to do
Never knew how much I cried till I used my smile to hide it
I didn’t want to be myself, because myself was a disappointment to everyone…myself? Was not the status quo! Myself? Was the girl in the library, the girl with bushy hair and round glasses the girl the girl who well, who was not good enough…who was never anyone’s first option …who was not her own first option…

You see …I made your pain more important than mine … a characteristic that I carried with me ….another thing I carried …as if each of the tears that fell from you filled my cup until there was no longer space for mine…
As if holding onto to your pain made the friendship stronger
She looked me in the eye and said, “we cannot be friends…you are too much “
I held onto that for too long… but now I say
Well….I AM ENOUGH!
As in you are not my problem
As in I am not yours
As in the hooks you sent to save me actually pierced my heart so I built a wall and decided to be its own guard
Nor is your battle mine to fight because by being my own guard I realised that I am very much capable of saving myself
Nor does it make me weak for choosing myself because honey tapping out doesn’t make you any less of a champion …it just means I refuse to leave broken
I AM ENOUGH
I looked for every excuse to hold onto you but didn’t realise that the chain holding us together was leaving marks
That my skin still battered from empty promises and unhealed scars, scars that you were never sorry for
I AM ENOUGH
I tell myself after another invite fails to show at my door
I AM ENOUGH
After my body grows tired to make sure you get rest
I AM ENOUGH
After every letter written, every night worrying, every day piecing myself together, every afternoon listening
I AM ENOUGH
After I was told that I would not make it
I AM ENOUGH
After my body was seen as something of disgust
To that girl, you long skirt was a symbol of the scars that you hid …telling yourself that you are ok!
That smile will come again with hopes that no pain lies behind it …little girl the ideas that flow through your head is not a dream but a soon to be reality you carry the answers in your hand just let go and grab onto something that resembles the light
Little girl, your smile is used to awaken the joy in other people going through the same things
Little girl, I am sorry …that your spirit had to be broken down so that the pieces that came from it was used to fix someone else
Little girl…you are enough, you are your own hero, your own shoulder to cry on, your own pillar of strength because FROM NOW ON! THE SUN WILL RISE AND SET BECAUSE OF YOU
YOU ARE NOT JUST ENOUGH!
YOU ARE WAY MORE!!!

Breathe
And the breathe left my lungs and I tried to explain what it felt like to hold it in fear of crying

She , stuck in her own hurricane of thoughts surrounded by the very same air that was supposed to give her life...it now left her damaged...a bay with broken homes and ***** streets

She kept it in for as long as she could hoping that keeping it in would stop the tears

It didn’t
Hoping letting it out would allow her to breathe again
It didn’t
Maybe if she closed her eyes and let the air out slowly the body wouldn’t notice her living again...it did
I wanted to be someone who turned her breath into a storm of word ...her sentences would then form the lightning that struck in the darkest rooms
Her statements would form  the thunder that shook the evil and well her words would be the rain that cleanses ...instead she still holds her breath hoping and praying to one day let it go

And I wrote...till it hurt...till everything made sense. .till my decisions were ones that I could erase and rewrite till the memories were the ones that I could read over till I was OK
It wasn't until last year that I realised that memories mean more to me than people do
It wasn't until that time I realised giving up on something meant more than just letting go...it was giving up the pieces of myself that I no longer wanted...the pieces that made me feel dead inside until I realised it was those that kept me alive!
Till I scratched every part of me that matters
Till I sat down and cried...not over my sadness but over my loss...
Till that little girl with big dreams was dead
Till she thought all her hopes away and let it escape her until there was nothing left but doubt
Till...well till she looked up and saw a face that she no longer recognised
She blamed herself...for everything that fell a part , everything that hurt, telling /forcing herself to keep it together when she knew she couldn't
Imagine...being so empty and not having anything left inside worth saving,  worth fighting for.
Till eventually it's not worth it all and the only way to escape...is too survive through it . In hopes of one day not feeling anything.
Till..well till she's able to open her eyes and breathe again.
Apologies is all she's ever known so when she's mentally gone...I hope you'll forgive her...till then. ..she stays..

I always let go…before they have a chance to ruin me, to tear me, to make me feel little
I am little in the way I think because I don’t know the way I am, how does one begin to learn about themselves when ME is a subject I hate studying.
I always let go, of my emotions, I let them roam free allowing them to break down everything I have worked so hard to build, everything that I kept behind a perfect face of smiles. I let it roam free hoping that one day it would do me good, that it will bring good but what part of my life has ever been good
I always let go…before you let go of me, before you find out that my broken pieces aren’t ones you can fix with a hug and a kiss, that my scars aren’t ones you can remove by a simple ‘’ I love you’’. Before you realise your part of the reason why…why everyone is part of the reason why I look at myself and think “I’ve never been good enough” There is a piece of me that breaks away every time I give my love away, my loyalty until there is none left for me.
I always let go, “its simpler that way” I say, as if I am trying to speak to the knot in my chest to stop pulling my heart, a heart where I thought each one of you belonged. But you didn’t …because when you left you didn’t respect it as a home, you slammed the door, lost the keys and never cleaned up. It was left *****, with broken windows allowing the cold air in. Don’t ask me why I no longer allow people in…I’m in for repairs.
I always let go, of myself…because I was too busy getting lost in you …wondering if you looked at me as if the stars in my eyes gave your life a whole new meaning…but it didn’t. it was just me. A story created in my head that was like a broken record in case I needed to play it back when life didn’t seem to play fair, the record got scratched because life never did play fair. It played until it broke until reality became a mystery that I myself didn’t even know the ending to.

Don’t ask me why I always let go…no one has given me a reason to hold on so until then, I will look at every moment as my last, shed a tear in hopes that this day won’t be my last, hold onto to you as if this touch will be my last…until eventually and inevitably…I LET GO.