Those first moments leaving the airport
A forty-two minute drive at five AM

A jet liner coming in low above my road
Maybe that’s how I go out?

The moon shines a vicious orange
Magnified and distorted by the atmosphere
Half veiled by black and gray clouds.

The lower it goes, the brighter it glows,
The larger it becomes through distortion,
The more the clouds obscure her.

Worst of all, it comes closer to the skyline
Of urban sprawl and tourist traps.
They taint the sky white with light pollution
Devoid of color, sapping away the hues of night.

It smothers the beauty of the moon.
Drowns her in the loudness of light,
Silencing her vicious oranges and night,
Shattering the sky with the brightening of things.

The numbness remains,
Fraying away at the edges,
A pool of water drying.

You've fallen asleep in a different bed.
You had asked to stay, but I refused.
I couldn't stand the thought.

So now I'm watching the night fade
Out of the slats of my blinds
Through a fogged bedroom window.

No sunlight yet.
Just the brightening of a horizon
Over houses of happy people with foggy windows.

I was numb then,
Sitting blankly, staring away,
Devoid within save for
A filling emptiness

It was all so fresh.
The shock wouldn’t fade for a few hours.
But I knew
Numb, I knew

Numbness faded and filled
As hours passed on
But that first hour alone
There was nothing but the knowing of what you’d done

Hello again, Death
It’s quite nice to see you.
I hope you’re here
For me this time

5:32 AM

The cars come and go
Stars blink in and out
As the horizon grows a cleaner, hazier bright.

No color,
Just bright,
Just the addition of light.
Nothing you could find on the color wheel.

You left half an hour ago.
And I think you'd be impressed
By how drunk I've gotten in that timespan.

It's 2 in the morning.
You're lying in bed, on FaceTime with a man named John.
He was released from prison two weeks ago.
In a month, he'll be in rehab again.
But you don't know that yet.

The screen freezes as you get a call from me.
You ask him to wait as you let my call ring, ignored.
He knows I exist.
I have no clue he exists.
As far as I know, you're asleep.

Meanwhile, I'm sitting at the edge of my bed, 3,000 miles away.
I've just received the news that my cousin is dead.
I'm sobbing, trying to get a hold of you somehow.
Desperate to have someone I can talk to about this,
But you're the only one.

The call stops ringing, and you go back to FaceTiming him.
You prop your phone up on a pillow and let him watch you take your shirt off.
No bra underneath.
You show him how well you can ******* the toy I bought you.
You twist around and show him your naked ***, the *******.

The two of you ******* together.
I interrupt unknowingly every fifteen minutes, needing you.
You swipe my calls away and do what he asks you to do.
You both ***, then talk for hours.
I sob at the edge of my bed, begging you to answer in another voicemail.

At moments when I consider it
Standing on that edge

I hear that warm tune of your laughter
I feel myself smile

and step back