I yearn for the blade, for the cold steel to pierce my skin and let the blood flow,

I yearn for the blade, for the comfort that only it can provide even if it is only short lived,

I yearn for the blade, for the purposefulness it makes me feel the purposefulness that I know I don’t possess,

I yearn for the blade, for the sparkling red tint it gains when it emerges from my flesh,

I yearn for the blade, for the release of everything that only it can provide, the release of emotions and anger so long bottled up,

I yearn for the blade, for the first the last and every cut in between,

I yearn for the blade, for the point to make one last mark, a mark that will end it all,

I yearn for the blade, for the steel to wash it all away, all the pain, sadness and anger until nothing is left just memories of someone long gone,

I yearn for the blade, for one last night looking at the sky, to end it all,

Slash, the blood pours down an innocent arm, being punished by that to whom it belongs just for being associated with them, all because of the hatred for themselves,

Cut, the flesh slowly parts as dreams and tears fall to the floor burning and floating away as ashes of a scorched memory,

Stab, the blade sinks into the raw flesh, a chilling sensation penetrates down to the bone as the cold steel ****** the heart and mind like a needle injecting an addictive drug into the system, for it is just that, addictive,

Tear, the skin is torn away around the wounds, they cannot heal for they are made deeper everyday, they get bigger and bigger consuming all that composed ones sanity until they drop crippled by loss of blood, dreams, aspirations and hope,

****, the blood gushes like a waterfall, it is as if we are a forest of trees, they cut away at our trunks with knives, ultimately we all shall fall,

Two a day, little green capsules shining in the morning light popping out of their casing,

Two a day, as I swallow them with some water part of me to is washed away,

Two a day, altering who I am, turning me into a mould of what doctors and society think normal means,

Two a day, fatiguing, sleepless nights await and with them come the nightmares, so many nightmares,

Two a day, isolating my heart and what it once was, turning it grey and cold,

Two a day, that’s what they said, I despise it and I want to stop but without them I am nothing,

Two a day, who were they to punish me for what I couldn’t help, who are they to be enraged by what is out of my control, who are they to bring me down,

Two a day, what I once was I am no longer, what I will become is not my choice, I have grown dependent and weak, I have lost my freedom, never lose yours,

Scars, they line my skin like the embroidery upon a pale piece of linen,

Scars, they run deep and shine bright upon my back as the damaged flesh absorbs the light,

Scars, they are like the lines on a road marking the boundaries between lanes, only these boundaries represent those between sanity and insanity,

Scars, they are cold to touch yet a fire burns deep within still blazing from the day the icy metal blade sliced my flesh like a steak and spilt blood as if it were water from a tap,

Scars, they tingle sometimes as if the demons of my heart from times past dance upon them as they burn the ground that is my flesh with the heat that travels to there feet from their hatred filled hearts,

Scars, they may fade, maybe even disappear but the memories will never leave my mind, they create the deepest scars of all, they will never fade,

The demon inside, clawing, mauling at my soul, making it bleed,

The demon inside, growling, screaming, sometimes its rage comes to the surface, seething and lost I become,

The demon inside, its red bloodshot eyes glow through mine, showing the world what lies underneath,

The demon inside, pure evil, a lust for death, a lust to inflict pain upon others and bask in their screams, a dream that becomes more and more my own each day,

The demon inside, it is taking over making me into the twisted ball of rage that runs through it as its lifeblood,

The demon inside, it is me and I am it, we feed off each other,

Broken, shattered, a once shining pane of glass now in pieces on the floor,

Broken, hurting, a once happy child living everyday with a smile, now bleeding as the cuts open again and reveal his seared soul,

Broken, weeping, a once shiny eyed boy amazed by the world around him, a world that he thought was filled with happiness, a world he once thought was full of good,

Broken, cold, a once warm hearted boy welcoming all those who he crossed paths with, that boy is gone, hostility has taken him, it turns out letting people in only brings harm,

Broken, enraged, a once well-tempered patient boy now filled with the anger betrayal has caused him,

Broken, distraught, a once pure child, who thought everything was beautiful, now he lies in the darkness and looses himself, what have I become,

Put out the light, walk the path in darkness, stumble and fall, bleed and scar,

Put out the light, get up again, fumble for something to cling onto when all else falls away, but there is nothing,

Put out the light, struggle as your feet bleed upon the harsh sharp stones,

Put out the light, lose your concept of time and become lost in the dark,

Put out the light, the darkness consumes your world,

Put out the light, it is cold, you huddle in the dark as the rocks of everlasting pain fall upon your legs and break them, leaving you crippled in the dark,

Put out the light, all else is lost,

Rage, it consumes me, destroys me,

Forgiveness, it was something I looked for but do I really want it,

Love, I feel it yet it is not who I am it is not something I want,

Hatred, I love it, it makes me who I am, it creates the glare in my dark eyes besmirched by a lust for violence,

Pain, only mentally do I feel it, the blood I bleed feels good the blade like a soft stroke from her soft hand,

Anxiety, tearing me apart from the inside until I finally implode meeting my foul end,

Hysteria, the disorder and chaos eating away at my soul gashing its way to the core,

Chaos, I greet it with a grin, with excitement, I love it, watching those who thought they were in control fall apart, lose control, watching there soul be crushed in the iron fist of the lord of chaos,

Rage, forgiveness, love, hatred, pain, anxiety, hysteria, chaos, they all belong to me I am them and they consume me, they are who I am they are the figureheads that influence my every decision, some stronger than others yet all contributing to the rotting of my bleeding soul,

You do not know me, you do not understand my damaged mind,

You do not know me, you do not understand how meaningless things that mean so much to you are in my eyes,

You do not know me, you do not understand that the words I love you mean nothing and I don’t say them because I do not love any more,

You do not know me, you do not understand why I tore myself to shreds with the blade that was my only real friend and comfort,

You do not know me, you do not understand that every second feels like a drop of blood leaving one of my wounds and slowly weakening me,

You do not know me, you do not understand how the ice cold of the night could bring warmth back into my body,

You do not know me, you do not understand that pain is nothing in my eyes, it doesn’t exist, I do not feel and I do not want to,

You do not know me, you do not understand that this world is not my place, that this world is a prison, it has taken my freedom and it has destroyed me,

Gone is the light, the light that once shone so bright like a second sun,

Gone is the light, the light that once incinerated all shadows,

Gone is the light, the light that once defined that which was blurred,

Gone is the light, the light that once provided contrast, meaning, ambition,

Gone is the light, the light that once was the life blood of my soul,

Gone is the light, the light that once provided warmth and hope when darkness encroached around me,

Gone is the light, the light that once lit the long stony, uneven path of life, now it is dark and I stumble,

The rain, falling softly yet with speed upon the earth as the crisp pitter patter of the little drops of water land and burst upon the ground I look to the sky,

The rain, landing upon my skin, rolling down leaving a trail of its presence as it slowly shrinks dampening my scars,

The rain, streaming down from the clouds like the tears from my eyes as I fall to the ground, as my clothes become transparent as I become drenched in the mud of the sodden ground, the tears of the clouds and my own,

The rain, running down my spine like a cold finger with a sharp nail at its end, cutting, chilling,

The rain, slowing, each drop catching the light as if it were a magnifying glass held to the sun,

The rain, the last drop falls and the sun appears, revealing the world around, lifting the fog of the war thought within, revealing the path,

What have I done, I made a promise, a promise to stop and never do it again,

What have I done, I thought that I could bring her into this and have her by my side for the journey but this is my war, I must fight it alone,

What have I done, I can’t tell her, no matter how much it hurts to hide it she can’t know, for her sake,

What have I done, I lost, I lost the battle that for so long I thought I was winning, but now it is over and I lie wounded upon the ground,

What have I done, I tried so hard to do the right thing by her but I fell into old habits, I fell into old traps that never truly disarmed,

What have I done, I have to fix this, I can’t let it start again, I have to stop, for her because I belong to her, I love her, I’m sorry, for everything,

When you constantly wake up covered in sweat and your own blood it stops meaning something,

When you constantly have nightmares filling every corner of your mind, they stop meaning something

When you constantly shed tears because you know you’re letting down the one you love, they stop meaning something,

When you constantly yearn for peace and freedom but never get it that pain stops meaning something,

When you constantly feel steel running through your flesh it stops meaning something,

When you are constantly feeling these things it becomes a routine, bleed, sweat, cry, fear and finally when you are so worn down, sleep, when this happens everyday it stops meaning something,

Tears, they generally accumulate around our eyes but what if our bodies were to cry as well,

My body sheds tears, so does yours at one point or another, they are red, warm and thick,

Like the tears from our eyes these can also hurt,

Many a life ends in rivers of red cascading down broken bodies and through distraught on lookers who couldn’t save them,

They fall like raindrops leaving a stain on both the floor and our memories with that ever glistening red,

When we cry these tears we slowly begin to lose ourselves, as with each drop a small portion of who we are evaporates never to return,

These tears, they are red and they are warm yet make us feel so cold, they drip from my cuts, but even those that are healed still cry,

Why I did it, I did it for comfort, distraction, I did it because it was the only thing I could hold on to when everything else slipped away,

Why I did it, I did it to try and understand what was wrong with me, when I felt so weak it made me feel some sort of reassurance that I can’t explain,

Why I did it, I did it so I could gain some sort of relief even if it only lasted for a short time,

Why I did it, I did it to be able to shed tears about something other than what was going on, to try and shed tears that had even just a tiny bit of purpose,

Why I did it, I did it because I wasn’t strong, time and time again I fell into its hands and it held me and I became like a moth unto a flame,

Why I did it, I did it as my world crumbled around me, as I dodged spikes and stones the one thing I couldn’t avoid was falling into its hands, I wanted to be free but it wouldn’t let me go,

Why I did it, I did it so I could take out my anger in a way that would remain permanent but it was not what I truly wanted, it was something that led to my falling further and further from any hope of emerging from the rubble of my life,

Why I did it, I did it because I wasn’t in control of who I was, I’m not in control of who I am or what I shall become, the darkness closes in around me, as my tears drop I lose myself once more,

They call you an angel, yet they do not know what you have done,

They call you an angel, yet they do not see your twisted thoughts wrapping your brain up like barbed wire slowly bleeding away any pleasant memory that may have lurked somewhere behind those fiery eyes,

They call you an angel, yet they do not hear the screams of the tormented conscience trying to escape its prison of hate,

They call you an angel, yet the do not smell the fine hint of salt within your tears as you weep every night regretting the wrongs you have done, wishing you could fix them,

They call you an angel, yet they do not taste the tang of lust for vengeance suspended in the air,

They call you an angel, yet the do not comprehend the overshadowed scowl constantly masking your demons,

They call you an angel, yet they do not sense the violent pounding of your failing heart, the forced breathing of your deprived soul, the ice forming under your feet ready for you to slip into despair,

They call you an angel, yet they do not know the meaning of the phrase, an angel, pure, kind, loving, empathetic, compassionate, I am no angel, I am but the distraught, contorted figure of a once happy child without a care in the world,

They call you an angel yet that child is gone, all that remains is remorse and despair,