I can't stop thinking about you
Maybe that's why I can never get any sleep
I'm so busy trying to get you in my bed that I can't even get comfortable in it myself
My sheep are too busy running around the thought of you to jump over a fence
You're my favorite nursery rhyme
I could scream your chorus until my voice grew tired
I wish I could grow tired
I never have energy, but it seems like I have enough to never stop chasing you
You're the only thing I think about, I can't stop
You're like a drug
You make me feel on top of the world, but I know you won't last forever and I'll be laying back in my bed wishing for more of you when you're gone
Maybe I need to stop thinking like that and just stop thinking about it in general and go with what feels right
Maybe I need to shut the **** up and just grab you by your waist and kiss you
Maybe I need to stop being afraid to
When I pass out you're all I see
My dreams are nothing but your hand in mine, and it kills me a little more each time I wake up and realize my fingers aren't touching yours
Although I wish we were more, I'm too scared to regret meeting you
As much as you drive me absolutely crazy, you're the only solution I've ever found to any of my problems
It isn't even a bad kind of crazy
It's the kind of crazy that makes me want to set everything aside and drive across the country with you with nothing besides our love, loud music, and the moonlight that'll chase us the entire way there
Maybe when you read this you'll call me up and ask me to get some coffee with you
I don't know why I'm kidding myself, I'm running after a ghost
Maybe I'm just too stubborn to actually speak up
Maybe you've been thrown back in my face this many times so I'll gather up the courage and ******* do something about it instead of write ****** poems about you

Maybe one day I will, but until I get the courage to do so, I'll just sit in my shower and cry about why I'm too afraid to and why I feel like something is holding me back

Muster up the words, "I beg you."
Form some kind of apology, please
This isn't you and you know it
Your heart is too warm to treat someone so cold

The breezy winds flow through your hair just as well as they do your emotions and you're making her feel like a helpless feather with no other choice but to get blown away
Even a simple goodbye would be better than this
Trust me, I know closure isn't really your thing, but she deserves at least something
Anything would do this situation justice, just please talk to her

This isn't you, please snap out of it

I know you've been hurt too many times to count and you're looking everywhere for something or someone to fill your voids but do not use innocent hearts as vices, they don't work like that
Don't rob someone of their feelings just because you have a hard time coping with yours

I know sometimes certain situations and feelings can be interpreted differently, but don't kid yourself, you know exactly what you're doing and quite frankly it's making me sick

You aren't perfect and neither is she, but the least you could do is offer her a bandaid when she needs one instead of drinking her blood and leaving a mess for her to cleanup afterwards without even calling her back

All of this is running like a train through my head when I look into my mirror and see myself start to tear up
The bags under my eyes hold all of the emotions that I try my best not to let out

It should be easier than this
Maybe it really is easy, and I'm just not used to change
I'm not sure about a lot of the things that are happening in my life
However, I am sure that I need to stop becoming a bad memory to others

It keeps me awake at night to think about all of the wrong I've done
That there are people whose only memory of me is how I was the worst for them and I don't want that

To my past friends and lovers, I can't say sorry enough
To my present friends and lovers, please don't give up on me; you are the reason I'm still trying
To my future friends and lovers, I hope by the time we meet, I am nothing less than perfect to you

I'm not used to change, but I could get used to being a good memory

Envy
Remember that guy in high school that was the best at everything? That wasn't you and you just couldn't understand why you were born to be the worst. You laid up at night ****** at your parents for not being better so that it could've been passed down to you. The only hurdle holding you back is yourself

2. Gluttony
At the lunch table, your friends made fun of that fat kid who sat alone, face full of acne. The thing they didn't know was that he'd go home to an adoption center because not even his own parents wanted him. Now he eats and eats to fill the void and despair that he feels in his bones. What does that make you

3. Lust
That girl that lays in your bed, dressed in lace and cheap red lipstick will be leaving in the morning. Hold on to the moment that she gives you what you are paying for and make sure you tip her. She's going home to a daughter of nine where in her eyes, she still shines. You've got no spine. Go out and give someone a moment of your time instead of spending another dime. Take this for what it is, an affectionate kiss that is only missing the feeling of pure bliss.  

4. Greed
You grew up thinking that money grows on trees when in reality it doesn't come from just dreams. You have to work for what you believe in and work with your own two hands to achieve it. The economy would be a better thing if we didn't give so much value to money. Every single thing costs and if you don't have to give, there are consequences. Take that dollar, rip it up and go out and breathe the fresh air

5. Pride
I've been sitting up all night thinking about you, grandpa. You were my hero. But you weren't the same when you came back from the war. PTSD got the best of you.
You didn't remember us but we were still there and will continue to keep you in our thoughts. You were too scared of what was to come to not run away. I'm sorry

6. Wrath
Your father was a very confident man but he was always taking it out on your mother. You wanted to do something but you couldn't because you were an 8 year old boy that still cried when you scraped your knee. How were you supposed to help? Now it's been 4 years and you been pushing your body to its limit to show him what a real man is

7. Sloth
It's the feeling of not being able to get out of bed in the morning because you just don't have the energy. Not hanging out with your family because you simply don't want to. Your brain and body are connected, don't forget that without happy thoughts your body will not understand the simplest of tasks

8. Fear
This is the moment that you are held at gun point. The feeling of all of your emotions swirled into one ball of mass that is sitting in the bottom of your stomach. Your whole life is flashing through your mind in blurred images and slurred words. The funny thing is that the one holding the gun is you
BANG

Allen what happened to the America you used to inhabit?
What happened to the America that raised you to be an angel?
Allen why are the bison in hiding?
When will we ask Cuba for it's forgiveness?
I am sentimental about Cuba and I am sentimental about America

They used to say the American Dream was a green light on a dock at the other end of the lake
Now they tell us that light is actually swamp gas, a trick of the eye, the moon reflecting off the water
And we are left to search for the American Dream at the wheel of a Cadillac in a haze of drugs among the ruins of Vegas

Allen when will we hear from you again?
Allen you would not believe what has happened to love in America
Love has become too serious
Too calculated
Too intentional
Allen wasn't your love accidental?
Didn't it possess mistakes?
Love is ceremoniously scripted
Downright mechanical
An exhibition of State sanctioned sincerity

Allen please give my regards to Burroughs
The space program is closed to the astronauts
We need to get serious about space travel
America has become silly when it needs to be serious and serious when it needs to be silly
This election is a joke and we are dying not laughing

Allen we are fighting wars across the oceans with drones it's sinister
Every general is now an armchair general
They say they bombed a hospital by accident
Allen I'm afraid of what they do on purpose

Allen I feel like giving up on America
The golden valleys have been melted down for the false teeth of millionaires
The highways full or diamonds have been dug up and the diamonds sit in vaults with diamonds bought with blood
Allen you and I are too sensitive for what America has become
Allen I need you now more than ever
Please write back soon
Yours truly

Yes, the lights are off, but you are not on your floor crying.
It's 3am and you're laying silently in your bed and you can't stop turning. You haven't gotten a good night's sleep in weeks.

It isn't "You can do this, just hold on!".
It's the constant gnawing at your neck and the feeling of disgusting hands reaching around your throat and choking you, yet your arms are so tired that you can't even muster up the motivation to want to reach up and yank the hands away.

It feels like you want to do everything you possibly can, yet you're too tired to do anything. So much so that you would rather lay in bed and come up with excuses about how even the simplest tasks are the biggest problems that you can't come up with solutions to. You would rather stay here and wallow in your sadness than open your window for fresh air and fix yourself something to eat.

It's being surrounded by your closest friends and still feeling sad.
It's staying up to watch the sunrise without even wanting to.
It's feeling nauseous without riding a roller coaster.
It's sitting in your shower long after you've washed yourself clean. You're only sitting in your shower because your tears feel less noticeable with the faucet running on your face; the only reason you're sitting instead of standing is because you're too exhausted to stand anymore.

You can't stand it anymore.

It's realizing what's best for you, and when you try your hardest to do what's best for you, it feels like the world is collapsing onto you.
It's a walk in the park on a freezing Tuesday evening in December when the snow is beyond cold but it's the only thing left that makes you feel anything so you feel compelled to sit in it.

It's a lot of things.
Most importantly though, it's nothing.
At least that's what you keep telling people.

*Please stop sugarcoating it.

0
Here I am scribbling more notes
That I will never ever ever ever let you see
But yet here I am showing you guys
I am terrified of what's to come, okay?
I am not happy with myself
I want to get my license so that I can drive off the bridge that I crossed every Sunday on the way to church
I  am cursed but with a blessing
I miss the fact that you are happy with life
I miss the parties at your dads house
I miss the people that I cared so much about
I miss feeling like I was worth just a morsel of your time
90
They say This is the best time of your life
So tell me why I feel at my worst
18 has got to be my year
If it's not I swear I'll do nothing with anything
I am the war field that our grandparents killed each other on
I am cold down to my shaky bones
But I still have the heat of the cigarette I lit
I have the warmth of a beating heart no matter how many times that it will break
There is a purpose to being broken
To some you'll seem worthless
But to the golden ones you are a point
I am not the person that is the star basketball player
I am not the smartest person ever
180
I am the person that will hold you deep into the night
I am the person that will buy you flowers and brush dirt over your grave
Don't worry that I will miss you when you are gone
I am not a teenager that isn't racing for the fences
I am climbing bridges and scaring my friends
The only moment that really matters is the day of your death
You will truly know who shows you what you mean
If you don't understand what I just said
Think about it
Lay in your bed at night and think
270
When it comes to you text all of your friends
Tell them that you love them
That they are the only thing that matters
Without them you wouldn't be here
Without there support you cannot push through one more day
You will live on
You are a flower that is growing more and more everyday
The sun is shining bright and the wind is blowing
Take a deep breath and hit the ground
360
The light is not your home

she's selfish
she's heartless
destroying everyone in her way
she doesn't look back

she doesn't think twice
she smiles in the face of fear
and does not listen to what they hear
she stands tall among the lilies laughing with the sun

what they can not believe is the fire licking her toes consuming her from the inside out flame bursting through her eyes can she even breathe does she even know what she is doing

she travels alone everyone close to her being shoved from somewhere dark
she wants to be alone
she has seen too many glass homes razed behind her

she turns
the fear in her eyes now
"What have I done?"
her hands shaking vigorously
bleeding from somewhere unknown
"God, why did you make me this way?"

an overwhelming sense of disgust and disappointment washes over her she falls and keeps falling begging the landing to be sharp and unforgiving

the only way to feel better, is to feel nothing at all

could be the Midas touch, except not at all. Everything touched does not solidify into something valuable, instead it disassembles immediately losing the vibrant colors.

As I shuffle through this once magical place, the trees swoop low reaching for extending with their spiny tips.

My legs are bruised from the countless blows I took from myself. My feet are blistering in the dirt beneath my spoiled flesh. The tears are relentless down my cheeks, the flow hasn't slowed just as the river my comrades think is so beautiful. Contrast it with my face, let it haunt your memories, tell me you think it's beautiful now. continuing down this rotting path, my limbs dismantle as they have grown weak, my head topples to the hard earth with a disturbing thud.

an overwhelming sense of peace consumes my mind at the idea of no longer continuing to ***** a seemingly perpetual journey through the coldest hell I have ever been in. I used to be warm now I am shaking vigorously lying on the ground. my eyes tilted toward the movement in the brush. the sounds grow louder as they draw nearer to where I lay. the moon has abandoned me, my last true partner. he has gone behind a curtain of smoke to hide his eyes from what he is about to witness. of course, he knew he couldn't save me!! silly man why did he try, maybe it was because I couldn't touch him from so far. He smokes another cigarette immediately turning my eyes black. the trees are ripping at my intestines. Now, the peace has gone and there is nothing left to do but close my eyes and await the horrendous ending.




and then I felt her soft hand, and my tears no longer fell for fear of dying.
I was saved.

*******
Agitated
Broken
Beaten
******
Ridiculous

The bandages have been ripped off whether I like it or not and it's up to me if I want to either watch myself bleed and cry about it or watch myself bleed and let it all flush itself out

Beginning after beginning, I keep creating fresh canvases only to ruin them with paint that won't ever wash out
Soil and soil and soil, it's all I'm ever used to
The feeling of pain and the price of pleasure are both two very similar lines that my body has never hesitated to cross

And my god, I am exhilarated

Jump on me like a trampoline and I swear to god I'll throw you off like a raging hurricane that's upset that we humans are ruining our planet's oceans without a second thought
My rib cage feels like it's been thrown against a brick wall and kicked relentlessly for hours
My mind is as hazy as the endless cigarette smoke you make me fill my lungs with
My inner being is at war with the outside world and I have a feeling that this is only the beginning

As I button down the hatches and hope for the best
I know that solitude will never make its way to me
I have to fight and fight and fight and never stop until I see it in my sights

I heard that if you want to make a living in this life, it's best to get your heart broken as many times as you can
That maybe if your heart bleeds just a little bit more each time, it will scar over and never stop becoming stronger
It puts hair on your chest and fire in your eyes and you deserve at least that much

This is a ******* war path and my struggles are wrapping themselves in knots at every twist and turn
But this is what I am here for, believe me when I tell you this
The tears in my eyes and the pain in my stomach are filling me up with rage that only the heavens will understand

This is no longer just a battle, it is war now
I am no longer just a soldier, I am a commander now
If there is anyone that could possibly take control and fight the good fight, it is I
If there is anyone that could possibly understand what is happening, it is I
If there is anyone willing enough to bleed until everything has bled out, it is I

I am a mess, but at least I am feeling
I am a mess, but at least one of these days this will all be over and I will finally be free

I've found out what stories the highways have to tell and I swear they're some of the best I've ever heard
Smokey windshields and blaring guitar solos in all, the road is a canvas just begging to be painted on

The tears of teenage existence will drain and fill and drain once more
The angst of late lovers will catch fire and spread to every part of this city
The state lines will blur more and more the closer you approach them
You are part of something so much greater now
Take a moment and realize that everything you do and say has never sounded more crystal clear

We will cross the bridge when we get there and we will sit on the side of the river
We will talk about what emotions have been trying to drown us lately all while trying our hardest not to drown in the water itself because good friendship creates the best kind of atmosphere you could ever be involved in

This is a revolution

I don't think you heard me

This, my friends, is a revolution

Burn your inner demons to the ground
Drown your worst fears in the waters of the holy land
Turn on Free Bird and dance in the moonlight until your body becomes numb with the feeling of excitement
Forget what problems are weighing on your shoulders for just a few minutes and let the wind of the river blow through your hair
I swear you will forget everything except this moment because forgetting is the only solution the river will give you
The only time the river will ever allow you to have is a ******* good time
Because the river courses through the veins of this country and trust me when I tell you that it has seen some **** and it wouldn't wish any of these problems onto you

The river is as iconic as you hear about because it is the birthplace of our generation's revolution and the highways that lead to it are the stepping stones of accepting yourself as a solution and not a problem

So by all means
Crank your radio up
Listen to Springsteen preach the good word
Arrive and waste no time
The children of the river are waiting for you
We have fires to start and cities to take over

*This is the revolution