Two Parts of a Broken Heart

Two Parts of a Broken Heart Sep 2013

I would refer to sadness as the ocean.
Huge, murky waves crashing
down.
And if sadness was the ocean,
then I am the beach.
Pounded relentlessly.
Walked on by thousands of feet.
There are bits of broken sea glass hiding under my surface.
Poking out once in awhile to reveal my cold insides.
The sand is something people love to flock to,
to confide in.
They whisper secretly to each other when the moon hangs low.
They smile brightly and play in the shallows of sadness.
But they are never fully submerged like I am.
Molecules of water from all over the world float to me, bringing me their tragedies.
I listen to them.
To the mother who lost her son in the war.
To the husband who lost his wife in the airplane.
To the children who have been used lustfully by others.
The whole ocean, is sadness.
And I..
Well I am the beach.

Two Parts of a Broken Heart Sep 2013

Everyone has a past, and maybe you're becoming part of mine.

I want you to know that I love you.
Every single part.
The parts you have never loved about yourself.
And especially the parts that others don't like about you.

I want you to know that I love you.
I always have.
And I always will.
I've written it thousands of times on scraps of paper and in pen on my arm.

"I want you to know that I love you."

But what they say is true.
There really does come a point when you can't do it anymore.
You can't be the one always loving,
the one always fighting for something that just isn't there anymore.
And I want you to know that it's okay.

There comes a time when you feel yourself fading.
There's not much you can do to stop it,
except maybe try, try again.
But what is the point of living when you have to try that hard?

I've always said that if you don't want me,
I will let you go.
And I meant it.
It's no ones fault, it's just life and it's how it is.

So in a few weeks from now,
or months,
or years.
When you ask me what happened.
What's wrong.
I'll start off by saying this.

*I want you to know that I love you..

The silent resignation of an always somber love.

Two Parts of a Broken Heart Sep 2013

Just another suicide

I fight the urge to slit my wrists every time I close my eyes.

Did you know that?

I'm so broken. No one wants me. I have good moments but oh my god I fantasize about bleeding to death on a cold night. Please god, I don't wan to fight this. I just want to die.

Two Parts of a Broken Heart Aug 2013

Dear mom

I have never seen someone so broken
until I looked in the mirror tonight.
After spending an hour driving
a hundred miles per hour in my car.
Up and down the free ways,
crying so hard, I couldn't even see.
I hate the way you make me,
storming out of the house,
calling me every name in the book.
Grabbing your keys,
car scraping across the pavement as you drive off.
Are you crazy??
You could have killed someone,
or gotten killed yourself.
I could have been killed..

I wanted to be

I spent the whole time fantasizing
about slamming my car into the guard rail.
Or blowing a red light.
I fantasized about you sobering up,
and realizing that you're the one that killed me.
I wanted you to feel pain.
Pain like you've caused me.
Because you died.
About a year ago.
I don't even know who you are anymore.
All I know,
is that you cause me pain.

Two Parts of a Broken Heart Aug 2013

I wouldn't call it treasure, and I didn't draw a map.

Once upon a time
I took the heart out of my chest.
I put it in a wooden box
Where it would lay to rest.
I buried down in the earth,
as far as I could dig.
X didn't even mark the spot
so I could always keep it hid.
It wasn't really strangers
who I didn't want to find.
I was more worried about myself
and the pictures in my mind.

I have been walking in this world
for a million years it seems.
Not filled with blood, or love, or trust,
or a heart that used to beat.
I spend most of my time crying,
tsunami waves of tears.
I gladly walk into the ocean,
because I have nothing to fear.
And even as the years passed,
and I searched for my chest,
I couldn't remember where I'd placed it,
finally laying it to rest.

It can be quite frustrating,
if I think I may come to love.
But I quietly remind myself
of all the things you'd done.
I wish to have my heart back,
before I'd known your name.
But instead it's good and buried,
and it's better off that way.

Two Parts of a Broken Heart Aug 2013

Untitled

You can't always focus on what is gone,
but focus on what you have.
Even if you're mad,
and sad,
and things get bad.
When people leave you,
because they have to.
And people stay because they want to.
You can cry a day, or maybe two.
But when tomorrow comes,
and the day is new.
You should try to smile
for the things still here.
For the things that will never disappear.
That only grow stronger with every tear.

Two Parts of a Broken Heart Aug 2013

I hate to admit it but I'm talking to you.

Your blue eyes are the ocean,
and I drowned myself at sea.

Your smile is as bright as snow,
so I freeze to death in winter.

And your kisses taste like cigarettes,
so now I'm addicted to smoking.