Four and a half children die
Each day
The statistics say

This is a terrible problem
You say
You urge your employees to listen
To listen well
To watch for the warning signs
To prevent it
Yes, please
This is a problem
Each day
Four and a half children die
Because of child abuse

What if I told you
Your problem is bigger
So much bigger
Exponentially larger

Yes,
I would argue
That number needs to be
Adjusted

More like
Hundreds of thousands
Of Children
Die
Each day

As they are
Neglected
When then they should be loved
Verbally torn down
When they should be built up
Touched
Where they shouldn't be touched
They die
Slowly, painfully
They are
Alienated
Slowly, painfully
They sink away
Flipping inside out
Caving in
Only in their very depths
Do they find anything
Even remotely resembling
Solace
They are
Confused
They are
Angry
They are
Alone

There is no one
No one to talk to
No one to trust

At some point
Their senses cease to exist
They stop tasting
They stop smelling
They stop seeing
They stop hearing
They stop

Feeling

And everything goes
Black and
Numb

So they stumble
Eyes closed
Arms flailing
Thrusting there head above the waves

Sure, they're still breathing
But they're not
Alive

All day long
Kids come up to me
Holding up
A ****** elbow
A scraped knee
A paper cut finger
A rug-burned hip
Usually crying
They beg for a band-aid
They want help
Desperately, they sob until
The band-aid is firmly in place
And I've given them a hug
Then they are okay
A smile often returns to their chubby cheeks
I send them off to play again

What I'm wondering is
At what point did I
Stop
When did I stop asking
When was I no longer more than willing to
Cry out for help,
Help that I knew was there and willing

At some point
I decided I would be fine
Walking around
All ******
I convinced myself
Somewhere along the ride
I could make it
Without the band-aid

Underneath it all
Is just
A little girl

A little girl
Who fell in love with
The rush of wind through her hair
The feeling of flying
The risk
The reward

A little girl
Who crashed
And crashed
And crashed

But never gave up

He found her most beautiful
Not when she was all fancied up
But when she wasn't
When she was lying on the ground
Rolling in the dirt
Her hair, a mess
Her body, folded over
In stitches
Her mouth open wide
Teeth bared,
Laughing about something stupid
That had happened years ago
A crazy laughter
Encouraged by the dry summer heat
In these moments
When she wasn't trying to impress anyone
When she had taken down that wall she built for most people
That's when
He couldn't keep his eyes off of her

Sometimes, I grip my pen
So tight
My fingernails
Dig deep
Leaving behind cavernous indents
The remains of desperate claws
Marring the intricacies of my palm
A reminder to hold on
An indicator of what happens when
You let go

Sometimes, I write
So fast
With so much intensity
So much emotion
So much urgency
My pen
Catches and
Rips
Right through the page

But it's better.

It's better
To break through my paper with my pen
Than to slice through my skin with my blade

Everyday I have the choice
I make this choice
The pen
Or the blade

And today
I choose the pen

Because
One day
Someday
Out of all this
Ripping
Breaking
Slicing
Will come
Something

New

There is this pain in my heart
It doesn't go away
A darkness that lurks
That I push down, I bury
But it always finds its way up
In the background, it lies
Struggling towards the surface
Dormant
Yet, Alive
Black tentacles grip tight
And down I go
Even on my happiest of days
The darkness,
Well,
It shows.

Some days I can bare it
Other days I wish to die
Some nights I can ignore it
Other nights I just cry

There is nothing more I know of that I can do
Except put on smile, laugh lots, love all
And pray,
Pray hard.
Pray with conviction.
Pray with zeal.
Pray that God will subdue
All of these feelings, all of this pain
And I hope,
I hope with all that I am
That one day, it will leave me
And never come back
Until then I shall walk around
Pretending
My heart isn't tainted,
Oh no,
It's not a shade of black

Sometimes I just want to
Scream
At the world

NO YOU'VE GOT IT ALL WRONG

Then
Run away
And hide
In a cardboard box
On the side of the road
In a ditch somewhere
Anywhere
Just far, far away

I wonder how long people would care?

Eventually
My dramatic scene
Would mean
Nothing
My presence
Would no longer be missed
Eventually
People would forget

The only thing of me remaining,
Rotting skin
***** bones

A dilapidated cardboard box
Soggy
Left out in the rain

I can't stand that I feel this way
I absolutely hate it
These feelings
These stupid, selfish feelings
This jealousy
This stupid, selfish jealousy
And I hate that I hate it
Because
I have no excuse
No reason
To be down on myself
No reason
For this boiling hatred
All around me I see God
Working through people
Attempting to touch me
But it's like I'm wearing a shield
And no one can get in
They are knocking, shaking, reaching
To break through
But their path has been blocked
They have tried to shatter this shield from a multitude of angles
But I have stood my ground
Strong and stubborn
Now though
They're ready to give up
And it's all my fault

I am living in this
Vicious, never-ending,
*******
Circle
Of self hate
And I hate it

But I can't seem to find a way to escape

I have always appreciated clothes
To me,
They mean protection
They cover me
They keep me safe
They provide a layer,
A barrier
Between me and you

But here I am
Standing in front of you
Naked
Every inch of my body
Every piece of my soul
Bared for you to see
Open, willing to be examined
Exposed
Naked
So naked

But

It's not even weird
It's not even awkward
You still look at me
You still treat me
The same
Everything has changed
But yet, nothing has changed

And that is incredibly unnerving

I am standing here
Naked
So naked
But safe
Yes, so safe
I am standing here naked
But it is this safety,

This safety is the part that terrifies me

She was there when
I first rode a two wheeler
All by myself
She was the one who
Grabbed the back of the seat and gently pushed me along
Helping me to stay balanced
Letting me go at the perfect moment
Hugging me
Telling me how proud she was
When I finally got it

She was there when
I mastered the chain stitch
She taught me how
She encouraged me when
I got frusterated
And threw the needle and yarn down in disgust and defeat
She's the one who said
You can do it
Keep trying

She was there when
I landed my first backside boardslide
She had him build the ramp and rail
For me
So I could practice
And get better
She clapped when
I did it
She smiled and said
I knew you could

She was there when
I was first really introduced to Christianity
She told me about God
His awesome power
His amazing grace
She answered my questions
Pushed me to
Look closer
Delve deeper

But
She was also there when
I was hurt
Beyond any comprehensibly reason
She was the grand master of my pain
Directing the show with
Biting words and
Slicing actions
She was the one who
Made the demands
She was the one who sat and watched
Hand on my thigh
Stroking
As he whipped his ***** against the side of my face
As he licked places that should not be licked
She was the one who
Smacked
And yelled
And kissed
And touched

Yes
She did all these things
And this,
This is why
My heart overflows with conflict
And nothing,
Not a single thing
Makes any sense
I feel a strange sense of attachment and care
But in the same moment I am gripped with boiling hatred
My brain is twisted into
A spiraled mess of indecision
And I just want
Out
To not feel sick
But
Normal
To know that what I feel is true
And right

But I can't
And I don't

She sits at the window sill
Staring out at the night

Counting
Scars

Weight
So heavy
Pile after pile of
Corpulent burdens

Massive amounts of
Stuff

Thought after thought
Thousands of miniscule pins
Poking
Prodding
Pounding

Relief?

It all comes down to
Just how well can I
Express myself

Too bad
My words never truly articulate my meaning
Too bad
My insides fizzle with rage at the slightest struggle

Too bad

No relief
Only me
Immobilzed
Bending

Crushed

I want a doll with eyes
Yes,
With beautiful eyes
And with feet
That can run away
And toes
That can feel

And then
I want to take this doll and
Stab it
Smash it
Tear out its hair
Slice off its toes
Chop it up
Mar its perfect, plastic skin

Leave it

Unrecognizable

**Because that's exactly what you did to me

I'm the type of person who buys cute gardening gloves

But upon first use declares them *******

It turns out, I need to feel

   the dirt between my fingers

   the layers packed under my fingernails

Technically,
You stole my virginity
But I still haven't had ***

What you did to me,
That wasn't ***.
That was
Violent,
Intoxicated,
Hard,
Rough,
Fast,
Dry,
*****
*******.
You ****** me.
Without my permission,
You ****** me.

*** is
Passionate,
Heated,
Intimate,
Exhilarating,
Pleasure,
Touching­,
Experiencing,
Loving

*** is intentional
*** is consensual

*** is a beautiful thing
Designed by God
To bring us together
To bring us fullness
To bring us completeness

*** is
Everything
You didn't do to me

Deep green
Brown, blue, gold flecks
Explode from inside the green
The flecks, they lay immersed in the green
Floating, dancing
These green eyes,
Her eyes,
They stand open
Wide
Huge on a tiny, precious face
They stare
Then they dart
Taking in the room
Watching
Questioning

Long, dark eyelashes outline
These deep green eyes
And they flicker
Down
Up
Down
Up

Her delicate curls are pulled back
Carefully, lovingly
Into two messy pigtails

Her lips
Full, pink, soft
Slightly parted
They lie silent
Thoughts begin to flood her brain
Words begin to overflow into the depths of her mouth
Soon they reach her tongue
Sliding, slipping
Begging to be free
But no sound escapes
Quickly, her lips close
Tight
And these lips
They hold off the wave
Yes, her lips are
Still
Pushed together
Firmly, determined

Her hands
So small, so fragile
These hands
Grasp at the edges of her shirt and
Slowly, gently,
Peel it off her skinny torso
Leaving her chest exposed and
Cold
Deliberately, her fingers undo the button
On her tie dye jean shorts
And her shorts, they
Fall
Cascading down
Landing in a pile at her ankles
And her hands
Those tiny, fragile hands

They clench into fists

And those lips
Those full, pink, soft lips
They press together
Harder
And those pigtails
Those carefully, lovingly placed pigtails
Are violently ripped out
By the hands of a monster
And now
Her curls
Her delicate curls
They plummet down the sides of her face
Settling against her cheeks
Shadowing her eyes
Those deep green eyes
That squeeze shut
As the voice of the monster cuts through the air
And on her command
His fingers
With painstaking exactness
Burn their way up her calf
To the inside of her thigh
And still
Up
Farther
They go

Yes, she closes her eyes
Her deep green eyes
And her small hands
They unclench
And then reach up
And cover her ears

Just like that
Her world turns dark
And silent

Are you okay?

What a loaded question.

No I'm not.

I feel like I am losing control.

My mind,

It's flipping inside out.

But here's the thing,

You don't actually care.

You don't have the time to hear,

To really listen to my answer,

To deal with my answer,

And I don't actually want to tell you.

So yes,

Every **** day

I am

**Fine

Tonight I went on a run
And as I passed one particular backyard
A giant yellow lab came racing up to meet me
But he was fenced in
No getting out
Upon this realization
He went crazy
He ran
He leaped
He scurried in circles
Desperately attempting to get over that metal cage
He jumped some more
Barking
Yelping
Coming awful close
To freedom
Many times
Never backing down
Never giving up

But then I spotted
You
Laying down in the grass
Far removed from the edges of the yard
No urgency
Just defeat
Large black eyes
Dejected
Head laying against your paws
No noise
No action

It doesn't make sense
I think to myself
Your legs work
I know it
Your voice
It works too
I know it

At least the other dog was
Trying

You held my hand today
All the way home
And the feeling subsided
Your hand took its place
Your firm grasp
Tore his fingers
From my wrist
And for the moment
I was no longer a slave
To this crushing pressure
Once again
I was safe

They are sneaking out
Quick
Stop them
Come on
Can't you hear me?
My urgency?
Please, this is an
Emergency

I have spent years
Building up these
Flood gates
Miles high
They stand
Miles long
They run
Strong
Sturdy
Unable to be penetrated

But there is one thing in life I've learned
Nothing in this world is completely
Unbreakable

I have a feeling
These walls are going to
Fail me
The corners of my eyes are done
Fighting
The wave is coming
It just a matter of time

These walls are
Straining
Creaking
Bulging
Under the weight of this
Water
And then it happens
They cave
And then
They break
Fully split
These walls lay on the ground
Blasted down
Thoroughly defeated
And the water rushes over, across
Trampling any chance of recovery
Nothing can stop this water now
It streams from my eyes
Hot and heavy
It rolls
Leaving tracks down my cheeks
Marking its territory
Carving its way down a path not-so traveled
And suddenly
This water
It slams into my side
Almost knocking me over
I realize
Never have I let go
So completely
Before
I have let the water well up
Sure
But never have the corners allowed
Escape
I have let the water creep into my voice
My body
But never have I really
Released it

All of the sudden
It makes sense
The reason this feels so right
For with the fall of each rain drop
A moment of
Pain
Anger
Fear
Disintegrates

This water is crashing down
With no signs of reprieve and
Your arms are around me
Embracing me
Trapping me
In your love
Unconditional love
Love that,
No matter what I do
No matter what happens to me,
Will never abandon me
I am ensnared
In this love
Held down
Held together
By your arms
Yet
I feel so light
I might just float away
Never
Have I felt

**So free

I am freezing
The window is open and
I can't handle
This breeze
I am
Shivering
I am
Shaking
So violently
But there is no shutting it now
This window is open for
Good
I just have a hard time
Seeing, feeling, recognizing this
Good
It's so
Cold
Please
Make it stop
I am reaching
The blanket is in sight
It's warm
I know
But I can't get it
My arms aren't long enough
My hands aren't strong enough
I think I may have a piece of the corner
But it's slipping from my fingertips
I can feel it
Slipping
The tighter I hold
The harder this wind blows
The faster it slips

I am freezing

Today, I couldn't stop smiling
I still can't
I'm laying in my bed
Alone in the dark
Grinning like an idiot
Unable to sleep

I feel so alive
So awake
This joy is coursing through my veins
This love is overwhelming my heart
I am
Strangely
Wonderfully
Content

I would trade almost anything
To experience this struggle
Every night

I can feel myself shutting down
Again
And I hate it
I want to speak
But I can't seem to wrangle my thoughts into coherency
My words are
Lodged
Caught
Stuck
In the depths of my throat
My feelings have
Overloaded
Jammed themselves
Into the crevices of my brain
With no plans of making an appearance

Please
Make it stop

Crack me open
Guide me

Help me

I never meant to do that
To dig the cut deeper,
Please
Believe me
That was not my intent
I never want,
Not today,
Not ever,
To push anyone to feel that way
To do that to themselves
To harm themselves in any way
You are already covered in scars
I should have known better
I should have stopped
Sooner
No, I shouldn't have done it at all.
I know what that feels like
That level of hurt, anger, disappointment
And no one deserves to feel that way
No matter what they've done

I am so sorry.

When the sun goes down and the fears begin to fly
My poisoned thoughts pollute my mind
Telling me I can't do it
Anymore
Leading my hands to
Grasp
Hungry and desperate
For that cold, shiny piece of metal
I hear the whispers of the devil
Soft and comforting against my ear
Encouraging my movements
Taunting me
And the second it touches my palm
I am more in control
This metal has tamed me
Just holding it in my hand makes it better
But the whispers are not satisfied
Oh no, they intensify
Cut
They say
Cut
They scream
And I am close
So close
But I hold on
I hold out
My fingers curl around each other
Forming fists
My nails dig into my flesh
I squeeze my eyes shut
And I sing

Hold on tight this city's about to break*
More God?
Really?
Why?
Please no more
Please
His hands wrap around my wrists
His knees push down
Pinning me
Like an animal
Stretched out on a board
Ready to be dissected
And everything that is
Everything that was
Strong
In me
Disappears

Hope sweet hope how much more can she take
My shoulders shake
My spine stiffens
All over
My body is trembling
From the stress
Of holding it all
Together
From the weight of
Fear
Anger
Confusion
Expectations
Hurt
It's crushing me
I don't know what to do
So I cling
To the one thing I know is true

The glimmering light in the corner of a broken sky
I see it
And I lunge towards it
I can't run
I don't have it in me
But I stagger and stumble
And slowly
I make my way
Through Him
To Him
It's the only thing I know to do
I want to cover myself in this light
In this life
It's bright and warm and
So unlike the things I've come to know
To expect
For this glimmer is the only thing
Keeping me in this game
The only thing
Breathing air into my collapsed lungs
The only thing
Pumping blood into my mangled heart

In the cold, dark night
She's not giving
Not giving up
Because this glimmer has done something,
Something that nothing else has ever accomplished
This glimmer has halted
The thoughts
The memories
The pain
The blade
And reminded me of
The love

The light may be dim
But it's there

That's all I need

We've been
Waiting for
Talking about
       this
            forever

Now that it's
                      here
The moment feels
heavy
  hazy
   hectic
    hallowed
     hazardous
      hard

I'm ready to just do it already

But this doesn't feel like
The type of thing to do in
        haste

It's possible I'm being
       hyperbolic

Or I'm spot on it's
       historic

hold on

hand & hand
We stand
     hopeful

It was all a fantasy
A feverish, fast, incredible dream
Your hand reaching for mine
Your lips slowly slipping their way down my torso
Hot against my skin
Igniting my insides
Your fingers, running through my hair
Your smile, crooked, but so **** cute
Our talks,
so deep
so raw
so real

But it wasn't real
None of it, not a second, not a single word
It was a terrible, wretched, ******* lie
And I knew it.
All along I knew it.

But I played along
I let you in
I trusted you
I believed you
Because in that moment,
It felt good
It felt right

People warned me about you, I had heard all the stories
But I thought you were different
I gave you a chance
Because you made me believe you deserved one
Because I wanted so badly to believe,
To believe that I was different than those other girls
That you had changed
That we, together, were unique

You told me I was beautiful,
You told me that my laugh made you smile,
So I laughed more
And you smiled more
You made me jello jiggler santas in June
We ate the whole tray
and we ripped their heads off
and we thought it was the funniest thing in the whole world
You opened doors for me
You kissed me in the rain
You would hug me like you never wanted to let me go  
You listened so attentively
You were so sweet
So genuine

You did everything so right
But it was the farthest thing thing from right
It was so wrong
You are so wrong
I was so wrong

You held my heart in your hands
And then you dropped it
No.
Scratch that.
You threw it, chucked it
You hurled it violently into the wind
Not caring how or where it landed
And it shattered
A million unanswered promises left blowing in every direction

And no one even knew.

**** is a real thing
It happens in books
It happens in movies
But it also happens to real people
Everyday

People talk about it
All the time
But
To them it's a joke
A hilarious situation
An exaggeration
So extraordinary
It warrants laughter

I ask how the game went
The response
"Oh man, we got *****"
A friend walks out to her car
They yell after her,
"Love you!
Be Careful!
Don't get *****!"
And then the giggles ensue
Because obviously
This isn't a legitimate threat
**** isn't something
We should actually be concerned about
Because obviously
You have control over
Whether or not you get *****

When I hear these things
**** spoken about
In this context
I have to stop myself from
Striking out
In a livid explosion
Of boiling anger and frustration
We live in such a bubble
A bubble of artificial safety
We lie to ourselves everyday
All I want to do is
Pop this bubble
With a giant metal rod
I want to just run at it
And stab at it
Until there is nothing left
I want to scream
Stop.
Stop.
Stop.
But usually my mouth stays
Shut
My anger,
Behind the gates
Because it's not the time or place
Because I'm a coward
Because I don't want to be known as
The ****** girl
Who takes things too far
So I endure it
And nothing changes

And gradually
**** loses its
Twisted significance
With each joke
****
Moves further away from
A reality
And closer
To a bad dream
Closer to
A story
That could
Never
Possibly
Happen
To
You

I'm sick of waiting for
The right time
The right place
I don't think they're ever coming
So here it is

**** is real

A cold hard fact
Right there
Stop trying to escape it
Or sugar-coat it
Or rationalize why it's okay to joke about it
Accept it and work to change it
Don't ignorantly perpetuate the problem
It's not that we need to walk around fearing for our lives
That's no way to live
But it's time to adopt some sensitivity
Some awareness
Some sense of reality
We need to give thought to our words
Before they hit the air
Before they hurt the world
Because

**** is real

**** happens in big cities
At night
In downtown alleys
At bars
Behind clubs
To homeless people
To strippers
To prostitutes
To people
"Asking for it"
Whatever that means
But
It also happens
To innocent 14 years old girls
In sleepy suburban Minnesota
In broad daylight

I'm afraid too
I afraid that the only thing
Holding me together
Are all the broken pieces

I have spent so much time
Taping the smashed splinters
Into place
I have spent so many hours
Balancing all of the dust particles
On top of each other
Wedging them so carefully
So that each one supports another

I'm afraid that if I pull one out
And show you
They will all come
Tumbling down

I just want
To kiss that
Scar
On your lip

But
I won't
I shouldn't
I can't

Turning
Dark brown
I let go
The sweetest release
Slowly I fall
Twisting my way
Upon the wings of the wind
I soar
Gently
I rest against the ground
Which grows
Colder
Harder
With every second
I lay
Silent
Curled up
Crunchy
Dead
A foot comes
Large and wide and horrifying
It steps
With power and purpose
Directly on top of me
Squishing me
Breaking me into
Tiny fragments
Puzzle pieces
That could possibly connect to form
What I once was
Lucky for me
My stringy veins
Hold me together
I lay sprawled
Flattened
Exhausted
Like a connect a dots completed by a toddler
I don't resemble myself
But I can see my parts
An unlikely display of
Strength
I had long thought disappeared
The wind pushes me around
I tumble
Forward
Back
The air cools
Rain soaks my surface
Snow pummels my body
Soon, I am trapped beneath its flakes
All I see is
White
A blank wall of
Nothing
I can feel my body
Disinigrate
But all of the sudden
A warm sensation comes over me
It is so strange
I see slivers of green from beneath my white blanket
Eventually I see blue
Puffy white clouds
Brilliant flowers
I am soggy
But somehow
Still
One

The whole time
The evergreen stands near

I want to make a list
Of everything,
All the things,
You hate about yourself.
All the imperfections,
You think
You have
But don't.

And then destroy it
Tear it apart
Rip.
Shred.
Annihilate it.

Along with the very idea
of hating anything about yourself

You are surrounded by amazing people,
People who love you to the ends of this earth
And these people,
They care about you
More than you will ever know

And then there's God
He's here
He's everywhere
And He loves you too
With a crazy, unfathomable love

So quit telling yourself that you are nothing
Because you are everything
Except nothing

You are appreciated
You are loved
Your life is worth it

You are beautiful
Everywhere
All over
Outside
Inside
Yes, you
*You are so beautiful

It's not that
I'm too nice to say no
To shut you down
And walk away

If I wanted to
I would
I could
I've done it before
I'm not afraid

No, that's not it

It's that
I'm not sure

What I'm really afraid of
Is passing up
Something good
Missing something
Right in front of me

I love adventures
I love risks
I love to be proved wrong
And I'm not sure of much
But I am sure
You deserve a shot
I'm curious
I'm not ready to say no
Not quite yet

Too many times
God has surprised me
Too many times
He has
Shaken me
Flashed neon signs
Flipped tables

Until finally
I understand what he wants
Until finally
I let him guide me
180 degrees
In the opposite direction

But sometimes
My love of adventures
My openness
My willingness to try
Overshadows His voice
Sometimes
Too often
I push it too far
Without even recognizing it

I'm also afraid of that
Pushing forward when there is no where else to go
Pushing forward when
In reality
I'm only headed
Back

My mind is already open
Now if I could just open my ears
And listen

But my ears,
They seem to be stuffed full
With impenetrable cotton *****
The lobes
Folded over
Glued to the tips
Stapled shut
For good measure

Everything is
Distorted
Muffled

All I hear are
Whispers
Small tendrils of noise
Silently slipping by

It's like I'm under water
And the words are stuck in the air
Jammed in the clouds
Floating away from me

It's all okay
You hold firm to a fraying string
The brittle pieces
Breaking off
Course against the soft pads of your fingertips
Oh, but boy do you
Grip tight
To this fading reality
All the way up to the day
You see it
All the way
Until you meet your copy
Face to face
And you realize
The images before you,
They should match.
The two people standing before you,
They should be the same.

But they aren't.

They are starkly different
Even though they are
Identical

You are split in half

With all that I am,
Thank you.
Thank you for caring

I wish I could fully show you
Just how much it means

Music that will turn you
Into a slobbering, broken, beautiful mess
While your arms lie stretched over the keys
Shaking, shivering uncontrollably
And your throat is tied tight, restricted

That is my favorite kind

You were right
Last night, I was close

But when I asked
You said
Of course
Like it was a definite thing
Like it was something I could count on
Not just then
But always

You were there

You didn't let go
You wouldn't let go
And in that moment
That was what I needed
The most

You know when the sky turns
Greyish
Your skepticism kicks in
But it's not threatening yet
No, it's not even close to
Black
There is still that comforting
Blue twinge
The clouds are still
Puffy, pretty, perfect
And then
All of the sudden
Tiny drops of water begin to splatter the ground
But, they fall slowly
They aren't big enough to cause alarm
You laugh to yourself
Because this weather
It's comical
It doesn't make any sense
And you reassure yourself
With that very fact
It doesn't make sense
So it will stop
The sky still looks
Stable
The day still looks
Happy
Just a small drizzle
Soon it will dry up
There will probably even be a rainbow
You look forward to this
Beautiful display
Yes, this water
It will go away before we even realize
It's there

But what if those drops don't go away
What happens when the day turns to night
And the dark is electrified by bolts of lightening
So encompassing
You can feel the vibrations
Underneath every piece of skin
What happens when thunder collides with the heavens
Thunder
So deafening
The reverberations bash in the sides of your skull

What happens then?

But I mean
It's a fifty, fifty shot
It could go either way

It could be the edge of a massive storm
Or it could be the edge of
Nothing

Fifty years later
And the tears are still
Falling
In the midst of the rain
Your lips spit out the words
I continue to deny

Feelings
Are
**Real

We all carry a picture
Some of these pictures are adorned with the likes of a fancy frame
Others, no frame at all
But each of us walks around dragging a picture behind us
A picture of what our life is supposed to look like
Painted diligently by the brush of our best intentions
It's a great secret
One of the deepest secrets of humanity
That in the end,
None of our lives turn out the way
We thought
Or imagined
And then
We get angry, confused, frustrated
We punch holes straight through our pictures
We tear them into shreds
We cry over the loss of our picture
But the truth is
No matter how carefully we pay attention to detail
No matter how long we spend
We can't paint our future stroke for stroke
We don't have that much power
As much as we sometimes wish to believe
Otherwise
Most of life is simply
A reaction to circumstances
Sometimes
The best thing we can do is
Destroy our picture
Start fresh
And paint
A new stroke
A new color
Each day
As we move and breath
And take what comes

When you throw a plate at the ground
It breaks
And no matter how many times
You apologize
It will stay on the floor
A million little shards of ceramic
So scattered
All the sweeping in the world
Would still leave some pieces
Behind

Love him.
Please.

Take a chance.
Have faith.
Leap.
Let go of your doubts, your reservations
And just go,
Go for it.
Please.

I know you don't want to.
I know you don't want to hurt him.
I know you don't want to get hurt again.
I'm not going to even start to pretend I fully understand
But I get it,
It's ******* terrifying

But he deserves it
Yes,
He deserves a chance.
He deserves you
And more importantly,
You deserve him

Around each other,
You both become better versions of yourselves
You light up
He lights up

No, he's not exactly what you pictured
But God never promised picture perfect
Sometimes His plan is entirely different
Than the plan you had imagined

And it's okay

I think you know this.
All of this.

So why are you still fighting?
You don't always have to be
The one in control,
The one who cares more,
The one who loves more

You were hurt
Bad
Actually,
Your heart was violently thrown at the ground
And the pieces?
They flew everywhere.
The hurt?
The hesitations?
They makes sense.
But he is willing,
He is ready.
To love you fully
To love you freely
With all his heart

So what are you waiting for?

Humble yourself
And let him fix you
Let him destroy the hurt
And replace it with a love
So big,
So all-encompassing,
You can't even begin to imagine it
Let him show you
The compassion you deserve
The respect you deserve
The love you deserve

You have to believe
He is not going to disappoint you.
He is not going to hurt you.
He is not going to leave.
He is going to love you,
Forever.

So please,
Love him.

Sometimes I really want to take a scalpel to my chest
And just start
Slicing

But that could be
Dangerous

You never know
What might come
Spurting out

Do you remember that year
I couldn't sleep?
I ran into your bedroom
Almost every night
Crying
Making up some excuse

Some nights you would
Send me back to bed
Disgusted
I was too old to be bothering you
But other nights
You would pull me right in the middle
And both of you would wrap your arms around my trembling frame
And finally
I would fall asleep
Next to you
I was safe
The images couldn't touch me
The probe that normally tormented me
Couldn't penetrate my mind
I was secure in your embrace

And then they disappeared
For good
These images
They left
And I slept
Peacefully

But now
They have returned

You said you wanted
Details
So I gave you
All I could

It wasn't much
But it was enough
I thought I could handle it
But I couldn't
I can't

Now I am back to being afraid,
Afraid of closing my eyes
For who knows
What will meet me in this dark?

When I said I couldn't say anymore
I meant it

But when I said
I wanted to protect you

I wasn't telling the whole truth

For with each memory
Bypassed
I was also protecting
Me

Please
Please ask me questions
Not just any question though
Pointed questions
Specific questions
Because the truth is
No
I don't say much
I listen
I care
I respond
But when you ask about me
I'm quiet
Nothing is new
You don't get to know me
But it's not because I don't want to tell you
It's not because I don't trust you
It's because
How are you doing?
Is way too open ended
What's new?
Has too many options

Each time your lips part
Spitting out an attempt
To reach me
The debris
It accumulates
Fast
Furious
Like the remains after a hurricane
Giant logs, pieces of homes, shattered lights
They shoot to the surface
My surface
Attacking my limbs
Penetrating the delicate insides of my head

I can't think

I don't know where to start
I don't know what you want to know
I don't know where the line is
If there even is a line

So many memories
Clutter the floor of my mind
Most,
Of no relevance whatsoever
I mean
What should I say?

Should I tell you about
The time she forced me to lick chocolate syrup off his junk
While tears burned at the corners of my eyes
Eventually overflowing
Chiseling their way across my cheeks
Sliding off my chin
Slipping down
My tiny, bare body
That shook like
Streamers in the wind
Should I tell you about
The time she bit my ****** so hard
It bled for days
About how I held a tissue to it all night long
Praying desperately
To a God I wasn't even sure existed
About how
It scarred
About how
I am terrified to ever stand naked in front of anybody
In the light
Because they will see
Should I tell you that
After digging out just those two stories alone
I can't see the screen in front of me
Because water is obstructing my view

What should I tell you?
What should I say?
There are too many things
Too many potential answers
And they are all right there
Right here
Clouding my vision
Blocking my path
A strip of duct tape
Slapped across my mouth

It's in this moment
My mind goes blank
I stare ahead
I make something up
I smile
I say everything is great

But it's not
Everything is not great
Everything is the opposite of great
Everything is crashing down on top of me
Crushing me

I can't see even an inch in front of my face

I can't see
I can't think
I can't answer

I can't

So ask me questions
Please
You won't offend me
Please
Guide me
Give me some type of direction to follow
Some light to jump at
Something to help me sort through the wreckage

I can't just
Talk
I don't work like that
I've spent most of my life
Silent

But I will talk

I have plenty to say

Do you ever have those moments
When life just seems
Too ridiculous to be true
Like you're going to wake up
And everything will have been
Made up
Fictitious
Not real
The last month
No, really
The whole last year
Has me
Feeling like
That

But for one of the first times in my life
It's because
Everything has so perfectly aligned
Fallen into its rightful places
Places I didn't even see
Places that popped up and surprised me
Delighted me
Amazed me
Reminded me why
Life is wonderful

Yes, recently,
Life rocks
I am excessively happy
All the time
The corners of my mouth
Turn down for what?
Nothing.
And no one can take that from me
Because I have a Savior who died for me
I have a God who answers my prayers
Every single day

My circumstances seem confusing
They make no sense on the surface
But deeper, deeper they do
They make all the sense in the world
And deeper,
Deep down inside
I know
I am definitely not dreaming
No, not even close
This is the most authentic,
The most real love
I've ever experienced

Hands reaching
Slicing through the air
This thick, steamy air
Fingers
Burning their way
Down
This heat
My insides are
On fire
Lips
Tongues
I push
You return
Slow
Fast
Circle
Sloppy
Hungry
Desire
Hands under
Grabbing
Twisting
Ahhh
Mhmmm
Yes
Breathing
Heavy
Hard
Shirt­ off
So hot
Fingers fumble
Buttons undone
So wet
So ready
Fingers
Touching
Pushing
Circling
Hips
Thrusting
Dipping
Responding
Craving
More
More
More
Body
Exploding
Mind
Lost
You
Hard
Underneath me
Skin
Against
Skin
Lips
Tongues
Slip
Down

And then
****
Stop

Reality

Hazy
But
Reality

****

Wait no
Don't
Stop
Go

But
Yes

Stop.

Clothes thrown on
Quick
One more
Quick

Then
Slap

And even though
It wasn't my cheek

All that remains is
The distinctive sting of

Regret

I brushed it off
I pretended it wasn't a big deal
I said you really had no reason to feel that way

But
I shouldn't have
It is
You do

The truth is
I didn't know what to say
Because
I feel the same way about you
People have deserted me
People have deceived me
My entire life
I have come to expect it
When you spend time with other people
I always feel the painful twinge
Of selfish jealousy
This jealousy, it's irrational and I know it
But that doesn't mean I still don't feel it
That's part of why I enjoy just being around you
That's why I spend a lot of my time with you
So that you can't forget about me
And leave

But who am I kidding
It's not like I am going to stop you
If you want to leave
You will

When you said that
I didn't know what to say
I failed to return your honesty
Because I didn't want to face the truth
Because I hate that you have been hurt
I hate that you too, have a reason
A reason to expect people to leave
A reason to dread it's seeming inevitability
I hate that I have given you a reason to leave
Because I have
I have been so selfish
Fully absorbed
In things the really don't even matter
I was ridiculously irresponsible
But instead of judgement or anger
You treated me with overflowing compassion and love
Things I haven't even earned
You told me about kissing R
You told me you still love T
And I was too drunk to really care
To give you an appropriate response
A thoughtful response
I abused your care
I abused your love
I've been so wrapped up in myself that
I've neglected to really ask
How are you?
Or maybe I did
But I didn't take the time
To really listen to the answer
Last night,
You were real with me
Like always
You confessed that you didn't want me to leave
That you felt like I was already floating away
And I just pretended like that was a stupid, silly thing to think
I shot down your honesty
I was too scared to actually address your words
Because
They cut deep
Right to the bone
I let you struggle with it
Alone
I went to bed
I ran
Hoping everything would magically be better in the morning
But it doesn't work that way
I was lying to myself
I was lying to you
Two things
I'm all too good at

I have a deep-seated desire
For you to think
That I'm all good
That I'm okay
That I'm starting to figure this whole life thing out
But I'm not
And you know
You know me so well
And I know you know
So there is no sense in hiding
In pretending
In being afraid
You have poured all of yourself into my life
You have promised to be there
Always
And I have let you down
I wish I could promise this will be the last time
That I won't mess it up again
But in the spirit of being honest
That's probably not true

But I believe
I believe love has the power to overcome
Love prevails
And I love you.
I really do.
Not a superficial love
But a strangely trusting love
The kind of love where your smile makes me smile
The kind of love where simply your presence changes my day
An overwhelming love
An all-encompassing love
You are my sister.
And I love you.
I love you.
I love you.
I really, really love you.

If I could hug you forever
I would
If I could cling to you,
Covered in your comfort,
Covered in your protection,
Forever
I would
If I could love you
Forever
I would

And I will

If you let me,
I will

Please believe me,
I will

And someday
We will be wrinkly, old ladies
Swaying back and forth
Riding rocking chairs on your front porch
Still cracking up at each other's dumb jokes
Smiling
Trusting
Living