How am I supposed to make a decision
When my heart is severed in half
Slowly
But surely
Bleeding out

How am I supposed to jump
When all I can see at the bottom are
Sharp rocks

My feet hit the pavement
One
Then the other
Kicking back
Leaving behind
I don't know what

With each step
I feel it
Resonating through me
Shaking me to the core
Pounding up my legs
Trouncing across my torso
Igniting my arms
Grasping desperately
Determined
It clings to the very edges of my mind

An hour
Just me
This road
And my thoughts
Dangerous
I know
But I like risks
Nothing thrills me more
I push on
Forward
But all of the sudden

I don't know where I am

You know that feeling?
When you are running down a steep hill
And then,
All of the sudden
The air just kind of
Catches you
Your legs give out underneath you
Your arms flail,
Striking the sky in every direction
This feeling?
That's what it feels like when you lose control
Gravity grabs a hold of you
The only things left in your existence
Are the air and the momentum
In this moment,
You have no choice but to tumble
Head over heels you go
And there's nothing
Not a single thing
You can do about it

You can't hold her
When you grip tight
She will
Slip
Like sand
Falling through the tiny cracks
In between each finger
You can try
But every time
Your hand will end up
Empty
White knuckles
Snatching up
The air
Nothing else
For she
Alone
Holds herself together
Pieces of string
Globs of glue
Strips of duct tape
Hastily slapped on
Her two hands
Alone
Pull and
Cover and
Push away

There is no room
For
You

My worst?
My low?
My bottom?
Go back a few years,
You will find a fourteen-year-old girl
She looks like she has everything.
Incredibly gifted by God
Athletic, musical, lots of friends
An awesome family, a loving family
She gets A’s
She makes the Varsity team
She goes to church every Sunday
She seems happy
She smiles
She laughs

But these are empty smiles
This laughter is empty laughter

She is an actress
A good actress
She plays her role
With grace
With perfection

But when she climbs into bed at night
She slips under her sheets
And everything but satisfaction meets her where she lies
Her mind is bombarded
Her thoughts are stuck on repeat
Playing the same suicide song over and over
Again.
And again.
And again.
The thoughts come.
Unwanted,
They come.
Hard and fast,
They come.

She fights it.
She fights hard.

But they eat at her.
They gnaw at her insides,
And they won’t give up.

So she goes to find her release

She silently makes her way to the bathroom
And slowly, carefully
She begins

The blade hits her pale skin
And the pain,
Oh, the sweet, sweet pain
It erupts.
It explodes.
It envelops her in a blanket of protection
For the moment,
She is safe.
She is free from the thoughts
This pain has freed her

And satisfaction is what she feels
A satisfaction she feels from nothing else
This satisfaction,
It feels so **** good
So **** right
She desperately desires more
So she digs
Deeper
Harder
One more

Slice

And the pain,
It pours from her thin, shaking body
But the satisfaction,
It is just as great
And this is what she longs for,
This satisfaction
This sick,
This twisted,
Satisfaction

She is done now
Methodically she cleans up the blood
The remains of a self-massacre
The remains of her bath in blades

Suddenly,
There is a boy.
Standing in the doorway,
There is a boy
Her brother
His eyes catch hers
He knows
He speaks no words
Neither does she
But he comes
He sits behind her,
Around her
And his arms,
They wrap around her
They hold her
And then she cries
Not just tears,
But sobs,
Sobs that rob her of her sight,
Sobs that take control of her body,
But he is there.
Holding her,
Loving her,
Telling her that she is worth it,

Saving her life.

I'm slipping into nothing
Into everything

With every sound not heard
I slide
Further down,
Alone,
Disappearing,
Forgotten

I'm losing my whole world
To the silence of my cries

There's so much I should say
So many thoughts
Words waiting to tumble
But I just can't let it flow

It's too early; it's too fresh.

If I say it all out loud
I can't take it back

It will be stranded in the air
Splattered above me,
Hanging.
Heavy.
Weighing down the atmosphere,
Beyond repair.

Will you nail those birds down for me?
My grandma asked
Of course
I answered
Pretty, detailed birds they were
Ceramic, fragile
There was two blue
And two yellow
But as I grabbed one to begin
My hand slid across jagged edges
My fingers slipping inside
What happened to this little guy, Grandma?
Oh, well
The wind wind came up
She said
And knocked him right off
And he just went sailing for the concrete
He hit that cement nice and hard
Broke his wing clear off
Do you still want me to display him?
I asked
Of course
She answered
There is still a lot of life left in him
He is still so beautiful
She explained
Just face that side in
Towards the house
That way only I will see the busted parts

So I did
I turned him
Grabbed my hammer
And nailed him down

There he stood
Rooted to his spot on that deck railing
Bobbing ferociously in the wind

And no one knew
No one noticed the hole in his side
No one saw the damage

Sometimes
We allow our hurt
To blind us
All we see
Are all the things that have ended
All we see
Are all the people who have let us down
All we see
Are all the ways the world has wronged us

And we forget

We forget
All the things that have gone right
All the people we have been blessed with
All the people who have loved us
And stayed
This good
These things
These people
Are bigger
More plentiful
Still
We only see the hurt
Because
The hurt is far more memorable
The torture has been
Etched
Into the very fiber of our beings
With a knife
A knife so sharp
A simple touch
To the pad of your finger
Would produce a stream of
Red
An undeniable scar of suffering
Yes,
The hurt may be smaller
But only
In raw amount
These unexpected, unwanted outcomes
These abrupt endings
They leave
Marks that are unable to be erased
Memories that burn through our skulls
And eat away at our flesh
Flashes of recollection
That rob us of life
Pain
So deep
We can feel it
All over our
Body
All throughout our
Broken
Bones
The open slices, they
Bleed
Fast and strong and full of confusion, they
Bleed
And using our shirt,
We mop up this
Blood
This rapid, rising
Flood
But no matter how many times
We wash our shirt
The stains
Remain

So I ask of you
Every time you look down
And see one of
Those gaping wounds,
Your gaping wounds
Those gaudy stains
Your gaudy stains
Please
Remember
All of those who have
Stayed
All of those who have
Embraced you
And refused to let go
Don't let yourself be fooled
The bad,
It has nothing on you.
Nothing.
Good triumphs over evil
Now and for
Eternity
Don't wade in circles,
Trapping yourself neck-deep in a puddle of
Hurt
Don't sit in self-induced
Blindness
Don't miss it
Just because
Your long lashes, your heavy lids,
That conceal your soul
Have been stubbornly glued shut
By you

Open your eyes

I know,
The light is bright
Take it slow
You can do it
Open your eyes
With the restoration of your sight
Will come your heart
It's terrifying
I know
But you're capable
Please
Believe and
See

Because
More often than we
Recognize
Perceive
Realize

**Good things happen to good people

Here I stand
In the aftermath of the chaos
The hall that once held the heat of your anger
Now lays empty

Your screams have been replaced by a rich silence
A silence that permeates the walls
A silence that circulates the rooms
Of the house
You no longer call home
A silence that slices through the concealed hurt
And reveals the pain
That is still,
So fresh

Particles condensing
Colliding
Collapsing
On top of me
Your limbs
Closing in
Fast
No time to react
Overwhelmed by the pressure
The air
Filling
Space depleted
Too soon
Not a corner is left
Empty
Every inch of my body
Surrounded
Wrapped up
Your possession
Vigorously, I shake
A wild turbulent with no course
But I cannot throw this stifling cover

I am gasping for breath
But my jaw remains hinged

I am clawing to break free
But I can't even lift my arms

Why can't I just speak?
I had an hour with you
Just you and me
A whole hour
And I couldn't even do it.
I couldn't muster up the courage
To bring up
Anything
I tried
But I couldn't
Every time I opened my mouth
Intending to speak
My conscious began to scream
No
It felt like invisible hands were suffocating me
Shoving the words back down
To the place they came from
Why?
I trust you
I really do
I care
I really do
So why?
Why am I still afraid?
I don't have anything to fear?
Do I?
I just want to be able to speak with ease
I want the words to fall smoothly from my mouth
I desperately want to apologize
I want to tell you what I think
I want to listen
But first
I have to speak
I want to speak
But I don't want to say the wrong thing
I don't want to offend you
Or stir up anger
But
I'm pretty sure I don't actually have to worry about this
I don't
But I still do
And until I let this go
I will struggle to speak

I've thought about it
Millions of times
How I could
Get back at you
How I could
Show you,
Make you understand,
What you did to me

I would see you in the halls
And my hatred would
Boil up
Hot, seething, pounding,
Underneath my skin
Threatening to break through
To burst forth
Out of my veins
And spill
All over the floor
Saturating the carpet
Down the stairs
Covering the railings
Seeping, slipping, slithering
Until it reached you
Until it engulfed you
And then,
The hands of my hatred,
These hands
They would
Slowly, carefully, painfully
Strangle
Your *****, ******* neck

But no,
I never did anything
I pushed away these
Horrible, murderous
Visions, thoughts, fantasies
And I never did anything

I never did anything
And
I don't plan to

Because I realized that
No amount of fiery, furious words
Would ever even start
To compare
To the damage you did to me
No amount of rage-filled actions
Would ever even start
To bring about
Justice

I am bigger than that
I am better than that
So much better than that

I will overcome
I can overcome
I have overcame
I will succeed in life
I can succeed in life
I have succeeded in life

In spite of you.

You may have taken my innocence
But you can't take my spirit

Today I stand

I am so blessed
I have so much joy
I am surrounded by so much love

Today I stand

Dented, bruised
But
Beautiful,
Absolutely beautiful
A creation only God
Could have possibly hand-crafted

Today I stand

Smiling
Happy
Alive

Today I stand
Strong
In spite of you

Talk about revenge

No.
Stop.
You can't do that.

In one breath
you tell me how much your girl means to you
In the next breath
you tell me that you are attracted to my best friend
In the moment after
you look me in the eyes, lean in, and try to kiss me

And I slap you.

Because you're confused
And hurting
And I love you

Because that's not okay.

Oh,
And if you wanted to mess with me,
Well,
Congratulations,
You succeeded.

Everyone is afraid of something
A bit of fear is good, healthy even
But there is a difference between
Being afraid
And allowing fear to
Paralyze you
Yes,
Fear is strong
No one argues that
But when?
When are you going to accept that
Strength is only relative
And you?

**You are stronger

So many people
With so much hurt
So many problems
Here's a blank, insert

Struggling with issues
Far greater than mine
Experiences, thoughts, feelings
All intertwined

So who am I,
Who am I to complain?
To whine?
When what I have
In comparison
Is pure, unfiltered
Sunshine

The insides of my eyelids
Are tattooed with the
Scars of my soul
I close my eyes and
The slides click into place
Rapidly flashing before me
Colliding violently
Within the tunnel of my vision
The images
Gouge out my eyes
Drill into my skull
Haphazardly, they
Caress
Manipulate
Assault
My mind
I watch this show before me
Helpless
Unable to lift my eyes
Unable to wake from this
Terror

But
Suddenly I am awake
Alive
Breathing in real time
Seeing in real time

And I can still feel it
The distinctive touch of
His hands
On mine
Pushing down
Halting my fight
His fingers
Digging into my wrist
Squeezing
The life escaping from inside me
As his grasp gets
Tighter
And Tighter
And Tighter
My bones
Cracking under
His brute force
Yes
I can feel it

All day I walk around
And I feel this
Suffocating hold
And I swear
People can see it
The marks he has left

But
I really don't care
If people see
I just can't stand
That feeling
Those indents
The pressure
I feel it and

I can't stand it

The beat
It lives inside of me
It thrives inside of me
It moves and breathes
And throbs
Underneath my skin

When I set it free
This wild beat
When I let it go
This ravenous beat

It can't be stopped
I can't be stopped

I think it's about time
Yes
It's time to release this beat

My fingers gently cradle my wooden weapons of art
And nothing
No one
Stands in my way
With a satisfying thud of the bass
I begin

Soon,
I am lost
Floating
Falling
Screaming
Burning
But it's good
I am on fire
And it feels good
My world is spinning
The lights flicker
My vision blurs
But somehow, my limbs find their way
They know their way
In and among this chaos
The beat crashes down on top of me
Shattering over my head
The splinters of this beat
They fly
And stick
All over my body
Embedded beneath my nails
Stuck in my side
This beat
It is growing
In size
In strength
In intensity
It cannot be contained
It splashes up
Splattering my arms
Licking my legs
Sliding down my chest

And
Suddenly
It's all

Okay

The best people possess
An innate ability to feel
To truly know themselves and others
To recognize and appreciate real, raw beauty
All around them
Especially in the simple things

The best people have
The courage to take risks
To be spontaneous and crazy
To turn around even the most desperate situation
To have creative fun

The best people have
The discipline to tell the truth
To realize that lying gets you nowhere
To know that honesty should be the rock
Laying solid and strong underneath every relationship

The best people have
The capacity for sacrifice
To fully invest in the lives of others
To love completely

Ironically,
Unfortunately,
These type of virtues cause for
Vulnerability
Which means
The best people
Are often wounded
Sometimes they even get
Destroyed

I have begun to free myself from the bottle
I no longer spend my time
Toiling away
Exhausting myself at the hands of this painstaking process
Of pushing my soul through the neck
And then shoving a cork in after it
So that nothing can possibly seep through

Yes,
I'm done with that.
I'm tired of that.

But underlying the bubbling explosion of my sentiments
Sits the apprehension
Silently nudging me,
Telling me
That I should stop,
I should stop shaking the bottle
That I should have never spent so much energy,
I never should have looked
So hard
For the corkscrew

When the bubbles finish rising
Out of this inadequate container,
What is left, will be less
Much less

And I'm not sure
If that is any better

Sometimes,
When you're sitting on the ground
Alone
And the tears are streaming down your cheeks
Creating caverns
Digging deep into your flesh
Hot and clear and razor sharp
In these moments,
The sadness
The pain
It's caused not just by the bad memories
But also the good ones
The good memories
You know won't happen
Ever again
The good memories that are
Forever
Stuck in the corners of the past,
Corners that are filling with dust and cobwebs
At an exponential rate
Corners that,
With every tick of the clock
Seem to speed further and further
Out of reach
Out of sight

But never out of mind

Sometimes I can't handle being inside my skin
I want to break out of this cell
The walls, the ceiling, the floor
They're closing in on me
These bars are pressing into my side
My stomach is going to burst
All I want is to
Rip out my brain
And tear out my thoughts

But I can't move.

My fingers roll around the handle
Holding tight, I twist
Slowly, I make my way around the can
All of the sudden
Her hands
Cover mine
Stroking, squeezing
Not guiding
No
Not guiding
But
Her, warming up
Me, cooling down
Yes, freezing me
With the knowledge of what is
To come
With her other hand
She makes a fist
And punches straight through my sternum
Blood sprays and
Shattered fragments of my ribs
Litter the floor
Reaching in
Her poisoned fingers
****** my heart
Leaving behind
Black prints
Red streaks
Evidence
But only I can see it
Within seconds
My spine is tingling
Every muscle in my body
On edge
This gaping hole
These fingers
Draped around,
Constricting the one thing
I thought she couldn't touch
Yes,
It's too much
I am ice cold
I am about to close my eyes
Forever
But before I can succumb
The air in punctuated by a palpable
Pop!
I lift the lid of the can
Set it off to the side
And pour the thick liquid into the ***
The stench is overpowering
It crawls it's way all over the room
Cramming into the very crevices of the wall
Behind me
Above me
Beneath me
I can not escape this smell
I am smothered in a blanket of this decaying odor
I am boiling up
Hot and steamy
With every inhale
My nose is filled with the tendrils of this pungent aroma
Soon I can feel it
Gnawing through my flesh with no set course
I can do
Nothing
I am at the mercy of this smell
It will do with me
Whatever it desires

Please, finish!

Her voice breaks through the fog
Scratchy and distant
But there

You need to finish!

Again, it comes
This horrendous voice
But I don't want to
I know what will happen when
I finish
I know
And I don't want that
I will never want that
I am sick to my stomach
Really, I am
You make me sick
You and that godawful smell

I can't even pick up my spoon

All I can think is
Tomato soup is served
Way too often here

This sense
Is forever changed for me
Forever changed,
Inside of me

It has been
Utterly wrecked
Completely stolen
Thoroughly clawed
Ripped
Out of my body

My whole life
I have been confused by
Touch
I have been misled by
Touch
I have been deceived by
Touch
I have been violated by
Touch
I have been irreversibly
Hurt
By
Touch

So I don't let
Anyone
Touch
Me

But,
For some inexplicable reason,
Your
Touch
Is different.

When you hug me
When you lay close
And pull me in
And put your head on my shoulder
And wrap your arms around me
I feel
Incredibly,
Indescribably,
Safe.

In the past
I have pushed myself
And forced myself to
Touch
To hug
To show my love
But the whole time
It's painful
The whole time
I am fighting
My mind is

Screaming

Stop.
Run.
Get out.
But my body stays
Because I so desperately
Desire
For it to feel normal
And right
To enjoy it
To be like everyone else
For
Once

But with you
I don't have to fight
I don't feel like I am going to
Explode
If I don't run
If I don't escape
Opening up to you
It's easy
It's comfortable
I say things
I've never said
And I'm not afraid
It feels good
I've known you for a sliver of this life
But I trust you
Like you've always been here
When I'm talking to you
When you're holding me
I feel
So safe
So protected
So secure
So content
So loved

And it scares the **** out of me.

Because never,
Never has
Touch
Felt this way

I do not understand.

And that's why I ask you
To leave
That's why sometimes
I distance myself
Because after awhile
I can't handle it
I need a break
From your

Unsettling safety

I'm trash
But I'm no longer floating aimlessly upon the breeze
People have come along
Picked me up
And placed me
Right
Where I belong

What if
His words weren't actually
What caused the hurt
But instead
It was just simply
The truth
That did it
He slapped you
Straight in the face
With the truth
That he will
Always
Tell you the truth
Always.
The truth that
He is honest with you
All the time
The truth that
You have been
More than real with him
So he is giving you back
Even more than you gave
The truth that
He is not
Just another
He is different
The truth that
He has professed
Time and time again
He loves you

And you love him too.

No, his words
The way he said it
That wasn't okay
But boys can be stupid
He never promised to be eloquent or graceful
He never promised to say
All the right things
At all the right times
And I don't think that's even what you want
But he has promised you
The gift of
Honesty
To treat you like a person
Not a princess
To grace you with
Nothing but
The truth
That he cares
That he loves you

And you don't really know
What to do with it
But you care too

That's the truth

They say the truth is hard
That the truth,
It hurts
He slapped you
Straight in the face
With the truth
And it stung

It's still stinging

But I think you finally saw it
At least,
I hope you see it

But you can't just see it
And ignore it
Pretending you're blind, deaf, devoid of feeling
It won't work
Because it won't stop stinging
Until you accept it
Until you embrace it
This despised
This wonderful

Truth

Never
Have I ever asked you to be there
But you're always there

You say you want in
But I don't think you do
You don't know
What you're getting yourself into

You don't deserve my mess
Draped all over you

I'm sorry.
So sorry.
I didn't want you to find out that way
I meant to tell you
I wanted to tell you
But I push down my bad memories
I shove them away
Into the farthest most desolate corners of my mind
And I pretend to forget.
On purpose,
I desperately attempt to forget.
It's the only way I know how to cope
I never talk about my past,
Because I fear talking
I fear it
So, so much
So instead, I write
Because my thoughts come out so much easier,
More fluid,
More clear,
And then,
You can't see my tears

It's not your fault
This is all on me
I never let anyone touch me
Let alone get close
So no,
Please don't blame yourself
It's not you
It's me

You are not uncaring
You are one of the most caring people I have ever met
Your not selfish either
Please don't say that.
Your words, your stories,
They mean a lot
Yes,
I struggle with some things,
But so do you,
My struggles don't make yours
Any less real
Any less important

J,
You are an awesome person
Truly an amazing friend
I'm sorry
I haven't been the same back

I'm sorry.

When you
Split your time
One leg
Stuck knee deep in the atmosphere
The other foot
Caught in endeavors entirely separate
When you
Live in two different worlds
With only a whisper of overlap
You really are
Not living
In either one
But rather
Just going through the motions
Just eating up time
Existing

Eventually the stretch
Will break you
And you will be left
Laying on the ground
Your body
Ripped straight down the middle

We struggle with the Earth.
Everyday,
We struggle
Against the Earth
Until eventually,
It wins
It swallows us up
Despite our most valiant endeavors,
It eats us.
Even if we give our very best effort,
It takes us.
In the end,
No matter what we do
The Earth still prevails
The Earth will prevail

Which is why
Sometimes
I wonder
Why?
Why do we even
Try?
Why do we spend so much time,
Invest so much energy,
Into trying
Into struggling
Against a beast of an opponent,
A beast
We know
We can't beat
Why struggle
If
We know
We are fighting
A losing battle
If
We know
The only outcome
Holds no victory for us

For only time lies between me
And the meal of this terrible beast,
When his gnashing teeth will come
And devour me
And I will become
Just another
Nameless, faceless, helpless
Victim
Of the Earth
So what are we waiting for?
Why drag it out?
Why struggle?

I don't get it

It just doesn't seem
Worth it

Please
Please give me a reason
Tell me
Why
Why it's worth it

Worship to me is to be set free
Fully liberated
Completely cleansed
From things in my life that
Hurt me
Anger me
Distract me
Worship to me is to get on my knees and praise my God
My God who is above all things
Worship to me is not just singing,
Not just banging on keys or drums
But to honestly accept that He is my King
To believe with every fiber of my being
That He has overcame and through Him,
So can I
Worship sheds a brilliant light into my darkest corners
Worship to me is knowing,
Knowing with all my heart that I will be alright
Worship to me is receiving his grace
Worship to me is not something you do in one place or at one time
No,
Worship to me is a lifestyle
Worship to me is giving up my will and letting his be done
Worship to me is honoring his Son
Worship to me is a reminder to the devil
That no matter how hard he tries
There's no way he will ever get on my level

You actually don't know everything
So get off your pompous ***
Climb down from your throne
And face reality