your mouth is on fire, i am
between it. the smoke
which we are forever in need of
swims like salmon in between brain and skull

scared (rinse and repeat this part)
i beat into you, desperately
carving the cold flesh twitching
as though recalling a bad dream

but you cave into yourself. a sand castle
shifting and dripping with sea
eyes cast off like anchors
i want, w-want, sorry (in a whisper)

stuttering and shaking and trying,
forever trying, to save
something, anything
of this moonlight which wakes me

i break open my chest, unzip the seams
of my lungs and invite you inside
offering a home,
how selfish. how heavy,

and you crumble into dirt and ash,
prayers answer, destiny
met. left behind, i am buried under you.
asleep. unseeing.

Happiness doesn't have to be
complicated.
Nice weather
Getting to eat
Not self harming today
Family, especially those that we choose
Technology
I don't know.
I'm in a hopeful
mood.
And I'm realizing that while looking at the big picture,
life looks ******.
But when I break it down, just look at today.
I had a **** good day.

I love to write.
It's like opening a door to something that I never knew existed.
It's a breathe of fresh air.
It's being able to smile even when I'm crying.
Although, I don't
know. If I write or if
poetry
writes me.

You know when I said I didn't think you would be able to function
Without me?
I was wrong.
So wrong.
It's me who couldn't do without you.

I love you so much.
And that's why I string you along.
That's why I have to keep you in love with me.
Because if you're not
You'll leave.

It won't be your fault either.
It will be mine.
For opening up and being stupid.
For doing so and knowing full well what will happen.
Eventually you'll have to stop caring about me
And my problems
And my happiness
And my rants.
You just will.

And then you won't be in love with me anymore
And then our relationship will change

It will gradually turn from the
Constant, steady rock it is to me now
Into crumbles
And then
To dust and
It will blow away in the wind
Before I even know
It broke.

And once again
I'll have opened up for nothing.
But it won't be your fault
I won't be mad
And eternity wouldn't be long enough
For you to wait
When I'll say,
*I don't love you.

I hate you.
I really do.

I just wish
I hated you
More
Than I
Still
Love you

They say small towns stay small for a reason:
Everyone hates them so much that they don't come back.

But that's not true.

Small towns stay small because
They're filled with so many broken hearts that no one can possibly salvage
Those messy, ruined pieces
Into something that works again.

The vent in the room where I work is not working
It's failing
It's not doing its job
Vents are supposed to take all the bad air
And purify it
Different than it used to be
Make it new

But the one in HyVee must be broken
Because it just keeps recycling the same air
The stagnant memories from last summer
My frantic thoughts of what I did wrong
And how to get you back

Those got stuck
They became mold spores up in the cracks
Continuing to grow
Months,
Almost a year later
And they continue to circulate
Around the room
And in my mind

I'll have to talk to management
So we can get a new fan.

I keep reading these poems
about love,
fresh love, new love, true love.
But all I can think about
is how
sad, beautiful, heartbroken
these poems will be
when that
love
ends.